Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Yo Mama Jokes 2012

 
Yo mama so poor she tries to social network on an etch-a-sketch.

Yo mama's so stupid when she fills out "date of birth" she puts "it's complicated."

Yo mamas so poor a bum asked her for spare change so she robbed him.

Yo mama's so poor that you opened your lunchbox and saw she ate most of your sandwich…and stole your thermos.

Yo mama's so poor she she fights the dog for your table scraps.

Yo mama's so stupid she peed in the car pool.

Yo mama’s so poor she cuts the crust off your sandwich and uses it for the meat inside.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw Macy’s was having a white sale and said, “I'll take two.”

Yo mama’s so poor, on Christmas eve she rewraps the same presents she stole for you last year and resells them to you.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a sign in the store, “All pants half off” so she pulled hers down to her knees.

Yo mama’s so stupid she tried to occupy walmart

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a street sign, “Stop Ahead” so she got out to look for it.

Yo mama’s so fat she could occupy Wall Street.

Yo mama’s so stupid she spent the food money on beer so she could recycle the cans for cash.

Yo mama’s so poor she beat you up and stole your lunch money.

Yo mama’s so poor she only turns the refrigerator on when there’s food in it.

Yo mama’s so poor she goes to the supermarket just to browse.

Yo mama’s so stupid she traded her teeth for a box of granola.

Yo mama’s so unattractive she can’t even turn on a light.

Yo mama’s so ugly she can’t even attract flies.

Yo mama’s so poor she rents out your room while you're at school.

Yo mama’s so stupid she asked for Reader’s Chew and Reader’s Swallow before she would look at Reader’s Digest. We didn’t ask what she wanted to read after that.

Yo mama’s so stupid she took a can of mace to bed in case she had a bad dream.

Yo mama’s so stupid she wouldn’t bring Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben into
the house cause it was too messy for relatives.

Yo mama’s so poor she wouldn’t let you date, talkin’ ’bout, “Why sell the cow when we gettin’ milk for free?”

Yo mama's so stupid she tilted back Jennifer Lo-Pez' head and tried to pull one out of her neck.

Back-Handed Yo Mama Jokes

Yo mama’s so beautiful she was approached by some photographers to be on the cover of the SPCA newsletter.

Yo mama's so smart she learned to rollover and beg in one day.

Yo mama's so great that when she laid out on the beach some conservationists tried to push her back out to sea.

Yo mama's so classy the when she goes to Europe she stays at the Paris Hilton.

Yo mama's such a good housekeeper that every time she divorces she keeps the house.

Yo mama's such a champion she won best heifer in show at the county fair.

Yo mama's so smart she won Student of the Month in Special Ed class.


That's all I have to say about yo mama this time but if you've heard or made up a good yo mama joke feel free to leave a comment and give my mama your best shot. C'mon, bring it on. Show me what you got! You got somethin' to say about my mama?...Yeah, I didn't think so...


For more sick & twisted yo mama jokes click on these links:

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/02/yo-mamas-so-stupid-shes-at-loss-for.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/01/numbsain-lets-fly-on-yo-mamaagain.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mamas-are-so-phat.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mama-2012-part-2-yo-mamas-had-it-now.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/10/yo-momma-jokesso-stupid-even-yo-momma.html

Some of these will get you in big trouble with people who have really stupid, fat, ugly mama's.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Bugs Are People Too! An Eyewitless Newsflinch Special Report



It’s long been considered common knowledge that insects have no emotions, are devoid of individual self awareness, and function as a “hive mind” or collective community. Though their necessity in the ecosystem is acknowledged, when found in our habitats they are simply regarded as pests and therefor we feel no guilt in exterminating them when we deem them a nuisance.

But recently scientists in the field of entomology have invented new technology which can decipher and record ultra-hi-speed brainwaves transmitted in the range in which insects communicate with each other and the findings are shocking. It turns out that insects have very complex thought patterns which resemble those of human beings. Although they “think” at a rate of speed that, to us, trivializes their importance, to an insect, these fraction-of-a-second mental manifestations can be quite significant. What this means is that we have been subjecting our fellow earth dwellers to unimaginable horrors that make the holocaust of eastern Europe seem like a mild break-out of the common cold.

In the following transcription we hear the thoughts of two houseflies recorded during a one half second stroke of a flyswatter. We’ve attributed the names Betty and Steve to the flies to protect their identities and because their real names are unpronounceable:

Steve: Well hello there! I’m Steve. Would you care to join me in consuming this nourishing feast of human fecal matter specks?

Betty: Why Steve that’s so thoughtful of you! This will be my first intake of sustenance since emerging from my larval stage. I’m Betty.

Steve: A pleasure to meet you Betty. Ah to be young again!

Betty: Yes it’s wonderful! I entered the world filled with youthful exuberance and excitement about my future! But I need the guidance of an experienced fly like you.

Steve: Well I’d be happy to take you under my wing, Betty. Any drosophila would be proud to have a sexy little fly like you by his side. You must have been a beautiful maggot.
 
Mmm! this feces looks delicious, teaming with organic sugars and bacteria! Which parts have you regurgitated gastric juices onto and begun to digest?

Steve: Just this area here. All the rest is fresh and flavorful, have as much as you like!

Betty: [Belchga-a-a-a! slurp slurp] WOW! this is so yummy! You have such refined taste!

Steve: Thank you. I guess when you’ve consumed as much fecal matter as I have you learn to appreciate the subtle aromatic nuances. Enjoy!

Betty: I never knew it could be so wonderful!

Steve: This is what life is all about: We’re born, we eat shit, and die. And somewhere in there we raise little maggots of our own and perpetuate ourselves.

Betty: I want to make maggots with you Steve! Will you show me how?

O-o-o-oh yea-a-h, But we can’t do it here. in fact we must leave this location fairly soon.

Betty: Oh but why, Steve?

Steve: I’m afraid there’s a flattener headed our way. It’s already begun its acceleration toward us and should be here within the hour.

Betty: A flattener? that sounds awful! surely it isn’t meant for us.

Steve: It is Betty, you see the human beings don’t like us and try to flatten us sometimes. But don’t worry, they’re so lethargic they rarely succeed but we do have to stay alert to avoid them.

Betty: Oh what a shame! and it’s so beautiful here. I guess we can always come back after the flattener leaves

Steve: Perhaps but let’s not worry about the future now. Consume a few more microns of poop and we’ll be on our way.

Betty: Okay I’m ready, Steve. Which direction are we headed?

Steve: Well we don’t want to fly directly into the flattener so I’m setting a course for that messy uncoordinated larval human  located at the southern end of this enclosed region.

Betty: Sounds good to me. may I fly in a random chaotic pattern approximating your trajectory?

Steve: Sure, Oh here it comes already looks like this human has incorporated a flick of the wrist into her attack.

Betty: Why do they dislike us so much, Steve? Don’t we serve an essential function in the ecosystem?

Steve: Uh no, not really. But that’s not why they dislike us. They hate anything that isn’t as massive as they are. Well I guess it’s time to go. I’m beginning my take off surge. My lifters are almost at launch velocity, how about yours Betty?

Betty: I’m good to go. Anytime you’re ready!

Steve: Up, up, and AW-A-A-A-AY-Y-Y! Betty? BETTY?

Betty: STEVE! I’ve eaten too much. I can’t get airborne. Help me!

Steve: Help you? What are you talking about, Betty? I’m just a fly. What am I supposed to do? That flattener is practically on top of you.

Betty: Oh Steve, life is cruel. I’ll never bear maggots. At least I had my last moments with you! Thank you for the wonderful poop we shared! EEEEEK! Its here! I’m flattening! Oh steve it hurts!

Steve: I can’t bear to watch! Oh how awful!

Betty: Oh this pain is unbearable…a-a-a-a-AAAAA-aaaarghlk-kl-glmf!

Steve: Rest in pieces, dear Betty.

30 to life for first degree bugslaughter.
—end of the transcription—
In another experiment we hear the thoughts of a daddy longlegs as he suffers at the hands of a child. note the Daddy longlegs has relatively slow brainwaves for an insect and the child used in the experiment was chosen for his quick reflexes:
He fought for his legs, his life, his dignity. He died without them all.

Daddy Long-Legs: I’m a proud and majestic daddy long-legs. The father figure of the insect world and I’m on a mission to find sustenance for my offspring.

Child: E-e-e-e-e-w-w-w-w-w G-r-r-r-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-s-s-s!!!

DLL: I beg your pardon have you looked at yourself in the mirror  lately human? Hey what’s he doing encroaching my personal space? Oh no you don’t! You won’t catch me you bully! Cmon legs! move!…

Child: Haha! Look at ‘im trying to get away! Got you sucker!

DLL: HEY! OW! THAT’S MY LEG! YOU’VE RIPPED IT OFF!
OH MY GOD THAT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL! It’s okay my instincts are kicking in! I’ve still got seven good legs le—

HEY!  YOU UNFEELING BASTARD! YOU’VE AMPUTATED ANOTHER OF MY PRECIOUS LEGS. OWWWWCH! AND NOW TWO MORE AT ONCE. I’M FEELING GREATLY REDUCED. I CAN BARELY WALK! OH HOW EMBARRASSING! WHAT WILL MY FAMILY THINK OF ME IF  I’M A CRIPPLE?

Child: Hahaha! Hyuk hyuk snicker!

DDL What? He’s laughing at me? Why I’ll show him! I’ll show them all! I’ll work twice as hard to do on four legs what most arachnids do on eight! My offspring will still be proud of what I’ll accomplish! YOU CAN TAKE HALF MY LEGS BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SPIRIT AWAY!

CHILD: HARDY HAR-HAR GUFFAW!

DLL: What’s he doing now? No! He wouldn’t! AAAAARGH! THREE MORE LEGS! G-GONE!  OH GOD! How could he? Oh the horror! At least I’ve still got one. And by damn if I’ve got one good leg to stand on, I’m not defeated yet! ..nng…ngNNNNG…This isn’t working! I can’t do anything with just one leg!  I can’t move my body… But I can still fight! What this human doesn’t realize is that "right rear 2" is my most powerful weight bearing leg! Here he comes! Boy is he in for a surprise. TAKE THAT, YOU FIEND!

[ploink]

AAHK! Oh my god! Oh my god!  No! What have you done? Look at me! I’m, I’m helpless! What are you gonna do to me now? Listen to me human child. I don’t know what I did to you, but I am deeply sorry! I never meant you, or your family any harm…EVER! You must understand I have a family to feed! 47 beautiful boys just like you, and 63 girls and they depend on me! They look up to me! They need me. Just like you depend on your dad-WAIT! WAIT!  DON’T DO THAT! My children love me and I love them… 

[Ding-a-ling-a ding ding ding ding dong…]

That’s it kid…yes it’s the ice cream truck, go ahead, run out there, you like ice cream right kid? Forget about flicking me across the room…that’s it…good…keep going…WAIT! NO!

[p-ting]

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-oooooooooooo…

[One week later in the central heating duct.]

…Uuuuh…Uuuuuhhhh…h-h-e-e-l-l-p  me-e-e…he-e-e-elp me…Huh? Whud ‘r you loogin’ at buddy? haven’t ya ever seen a d-daddy NO LEGS before? quit starin’ like I’m some kind of circus freak! Wait, I mean… could you spare a scrap of food? No don’t go, I’m starving…help a guy out wouldja…pal?

—That concludes the transcription. DLL died shortly after that.—

Next we will listen to a community of ants living in the basement of a residence whose occupants decided to call the exterminators to rid their house of the “unwanted pests” at a time which just happened to be one of the most significant events in all of ant history:

"We never meant to disrupt anyone's picnic, nor would we have eaten that much."
President Pismire: Hear Ye! Hear Ye! My fellow ants, I have an announcement to make on this joyous day! Today marks the 40 miliionth ant-iversary of Ant independance! As you all know we of this great colony are the direct descend-ants of the very first species of ants! We hold the original DNA coding from which all ants on earth are descended. Without us the entire genus of formicidae could not exist and the earth would be devoid of all antkind. Today our beloved queen shall give birth to 700 million adorable baby antlings, the new generation of ants which will save the world from the human's destructive powers. Our carefully planned mission can only be carried out by the brilliant young antlings we are about to hatch here today in this very colony. Somehow by divine serendipity the entire ceremony has been blessed. The humans, apparently sensing the importance of this day, have taken it upon themselves to vacate the premises apparently just for us and as a gesture of their intentions they’ve even sealed off the entire structure with a tent of some kind to ensure our safety during the ceremony. This is truly a blessed day let us sing the global Ant-them of our great species:

WE REP-RE-SENT- THE FOR-MI-CI-DAE OF THE EARTH, THE CHO-SEN ONES, WE KNOW OUR WORTH…WE (cough, cough) REP-RE-(gag choke wheeze!)-SENT (Ack-hack COUGH COUGH) HELP! WE’RE DYING (HACK WHEEZE COUGH! CHOKE!) AAAAARGH!!!…
—end of transcription—

The entire colony of 45 billion ants was wiped out by a professional extermination company on that day, Not a single ant escaped.

Of course this discovery poses many legal questions. Should the Orkin man be put on trial for mass murder? Should Black Flag® and Raid® be taken of the shelves? Should flyswatters be illegal and all who use them convicted of first degree bugslaughter? Should there be a mandatory 11:00am check out time at Roach Motels®?

Numbsain’s Unwind asks you the reader. Please comment below and let us know if you stand for insect rights.




This special addition of Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by:

Sue Bee Honey Farms...employing over 17 billion bees 22 years and counting
Sof-shield Inc...Car windshields that protect insects, not crash into them.
Infested Farms...Organic produce with all the brown spots nature intended!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Jiblitz n’ Gravy Spanksgivin’ Special

J & G: Howdy Gastronauts

J: I’m Jiblitz!

G: and I’m Gravy!

J & G: And together we're Jiblitz n’ Gravy!

G: We’re here to ejumacate all you balls and curls out there in TV land how to whoop up a lip-spanking linger-flickin’ gastro-intestinal-icious Spanksgivin’ Fiest that’ll rock the hockers off yer soccer mom's knockers, and kick the liquor outcha crack daddy's knickers.

J: And it won’t cost a chiggers nipple neither!

G: ‘Ats right Jib’ cause we do it the way them pilgrims done did: cheek and eepanomical like. Ya see, the ‘grims didn’t have a whole heap a wallet wampum so they had to trim and trade like a shaved pimp in a Skrimp n' Save. But at the same time, show them Packachicklets a thing or two about gwer-may cookin.’

J: Yep it was all about one-uppin them Nippantuckets, and they ain’t had no Souix chefs so they raped the villages and pillaged the women like teenage termites on a scrotum pole. But after a hard days a work, they come back with a whole honky heapa o' helpins to make your eyes water and yer mouth pop right outta yer damnfool sprockets. Oo-oowhee!

G: So git out yer fryin’ pants and into the fire ‘cause we gonna have ourselves a FOOD‘N-NANNY!!!

J: HE-E-E-EHAW!! GOLLAMEE-JILLICKERS ‘SGONNA BE TASTIER’N a TON O’ HOG JACKETS IN FANNY PACKETS, I MEAN FLAP JACKER CRAP, SNAckle and pop goes the weasle...muffins...

G: Shuddup Jiblitz. Try ta keep yer exuberatin’ within the limits o’city ordinances. Now whatcha got for us there Jib’?

J: Well Gravy, norman-mailery Thanks-divvin’ ginner’s all about a big ol’ honkin’ gollywhomper of a turkey. But I’ll be rumpsnuggled if I can shell out the buckaneers for one them yardpeckers. So as a subs-ti-tooty ah got me one them there bearcats! But I'll wager mah twelve-gager ain’t nobody gonna know the damn differentiation any-hooters-the-size-a-warty-melons!

G: That's right ,good nuff fer the beginner, what counts is what's in 'er.

J: And she’ll look like a winner once we hog tie and skin’ er!

J & G: Meat; it’s what’s for dinner!

J: And what-cha-ma-gonna-ma stuff that mongoose with, Gravy?

G: Better question is: what aint we, Jib’. We gonna lard ‘er up with everything and its mother, includin’ the stitchin’ kink!

J: You mean the sinkin’ kitch?

G: Her too, madder ‘o fat that’s where we gonna git it! We gonna show y’all how to make jenny-you-whine chestgut stuffin’ out o’ scrapin’s from the garbage disposal.

J: That sounds plum-right, down-wind dees-gusting Gravy.

G: Oh countcha hair moan frere, its gonna be a delica-smellica-toe-yota celica-see and I’ll tell ya why...

J: Wise hat?

G: On a counter we make everything fresh as a day-she-was-born.

J: So let's do it without further adid, shall we? First we take a loaf a Uncle Pa’s Inn Bread an hack it to bits wit a chain saw massacre

[BR-R-R-O-O-OW-W-D-D-d-d]

G: Whoa! Easy with that thing turbinado. You better count yer fingers.

J: Hold on a minute... GRAVY! I got FIVE! Wait’ll Aunt Ma hears about this!

G: Nextly, we incarcerate this trash barrel full o’ mega-table veddely. We got keys and parrots, teets and burnips, sporn and kinitch, artabagas and rutachokes!

J: That’s a pro lotta ho-duce, Gravy.

G: I ain’t done, jumpy-the-gun. Zoo-cumbers and cuccinis, parsparagusnips, and last but not leeks, okra.

J: They wuz on Okra last week?

G: You kiddin'? Okra Wimpfry don't eat veggy tables, but she could eat you under the table! So first we shove em all down the disposal del gar-baggio which I have  transformulated with a bowl under the sink into the poor mans queezinart.

J: Well shuck my corn and stick mah jicama, that's a mighty clever trickama!

G: Now we has to infiltrate the amalgamation with real imitation chestnuts. Weakin’ o’ spitch, we need to introduce the saviour-y herbs: Parsley meet dill, mustard meet thyme. Tarragon, pepper...

J: The pleasures all mine.

G: Tumeric, cumin meet basil and salt, If the bay leaves with sage, its oregano’s fault! Great Humpin-Ja-blowz-a-fat! We almost forgot...The Mono-scrodium grew-ta-mate! Now all ya gotta do is shovel the whole smitten kaboodle right up that varmints pookie chute and...and...

J: Whut seems to be the bowelfunction Gravy?

G: Well I’ll be pickled stink and monkey whipped, Jiblitz. We plum fergot ta hollow ‘em out!

J: Oh well Gravy, we done plum run outta time.


J &G: WE’RE JIBLITZ N’ GRAVY! GOOD NIGHT, EAT RIGHT AND DON'T LET THE BREAD CRUMBS FIGHT!

G: And don't fergit to eat safely!

J: And eat dee-fensively.

Jiblitz N’ Gravy was brought to you by: Maalox and Queazy & Wretch Brand Stomach Pumps and Barf Bags.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Awesome Acronyms Quiz

 How well do you know your Acronyms? FYI most people who MSM a lot will ace this test PDQ and, BTW, being ADD doesn’t mean you can’t finish it ASAP. So before you start shouting OMG, try it. You may be a VIP! LOL!

SPCA stands for
a. Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
b. Society for the Promotion of Cruelty to Animals
c. Spanking Place for Caged Animals
d. Society for Pet Cruelty Appreciation

FCC stands for
a. Freshly Chopped Caterpillars
b. Federal Communications Commission
c. Federal Cupcake Commission
d. Free Cocaine Club

SUV stands for
a. Sexy Underwear Violation
b. Stuck Up Virgin
c. Sudden Urge Vehicle
d. Sport Utility Vehicle

WWF stands for
a. We Won, F*ckers! 
b. World War Five
c. Wet With Fear
d. World Wrestling Federation

VD stands for
a. Vaginal Discomfort
b. Verbal Diarrhea
c. Venereal Disease
d. Vinegarette Dressing

STD stands for
a. Stinky Thong Disease
b. Sex Toy Deposits
c. Sexually Transmissible Disease
d. Safe Tongue Depth 

WYSIWYG stands for
a. Well You Started It, What’s Your Gripe?
b. While You Sing I’ll Whack Your Gonads
c. What You See Is What You Get
d. Why’d You Stop? It Was Yellow, Go!

VIP means
a. Vain Insignificant Person
b. Vomit In Public
c. Viewing Is Prohibited
d. Very Important Person

TKO stands for
a. Temporarily Killed Opponent
b. Testicles Kicked Off
c. Technical Knock-Out
d. They Keeled Over

ASAP stands for
a. Ask Some Asian Person
b. As Soon As Possible
c. After Somebody Asks Politely
d. Add Salt And Pepper

AKA stands for
a. Also Known As
b. And, Kinda, Actually
c. Alternate Kinky Appellation
d. Angry Kitchen Appliances

NFL stands for
a. Not For Ladies
b. National Football League
c. Naturally Full Lashes
d. Not Funny, Larry!

ATM stands for
a. Any Time Money
b. Automated Teller Machine
c. Actually, That’s Mine
d. Act Totally Mellow

BBC stands for
a. Bubble Butt Club
b. Bloody British are Crazy
c. Big Bang Conspiracy
d. British Broadcasting Company

UCLA stands for
a. United Coalition of Lard Asses
b. Used Condoms Lying Around
c. University of California, Los Angeles
d. Uppity College of Los Angeles

ESP stands for
a. Ever Since Puberty
b. Erect Swollen Penis
c. Extreme Super Powers
d. Extra Sensory Perception

BYOB stands for
a. Braid Your Own Butt-hair
b. Baby Yelling On Board
c. Bite Your Ostrich’s Beak
d. Bring Your Own Booze

MILF stands for
a. Mommy’s Ignorant Little Fool
b. Mother I’d Like to F*ck
c. Moron In Left Field
d. Man, I Love Food!

WTF stands for
a. Where’s The Fish?
b. Wait Till Friday
c. Wash That Finger!
d. What The F*ck?

SASE stands for
a. Something A**holes Send Easily
b. Self Addressed Stamped Envelope
c. Speak And Spell Expert
d. Strings Attached, Seek Escape!

FYI stands for
a. F*ck You Idiot!
b. Face Your Ignorance
c. For Your Information
d. Fifi! You Imbecile!

LOL stands for
a. Lordy Oh Lordy!
b. Laughing Out Loud
c. Leaking Oily Liquid
d. Lots Of Luck

PMS stands for
a. Pack My Suitcase
b. Pre-Menstrual Syndrome
c. Pain, Misery, Suffering
d. Please My Self

FUBAR stands for
a. Food Under the Bed Attracts Rats
b. Felt Up By A Robot
c. F*cked Up Beyond All Recognition
d. Fat and Ugly But an Awesome Rack

TLC stands for
a. Tender Loving Care
b. Total Loss of Control
c. Talk Like Caveman
d. Tastes Like Chicken

SOS stands for
a. Sell Our Stuff
b. Sink Or Swim
c. Save Our Ship
d. Sharks Ogling Survivors

OMG stands for
a. Ow! My Gonads
b. Out of My Gourd
c. Ooh! Man! Gee!
d. Oh My God

PDQ stands for
a. Pretty Darn Quick
b. Pigs Don’t Quack
c. Prisoners Dig Quietly
d. Powerful Deadly Queef

MSG stands for
a. Makes Sh*t Good
b. Magic Saliva Generator
c. Mono-Sodium Glutamate
d. Maximum Sized Glutes

CPR stands for
a. Code Purple! Run!
b. Cardio-Pulmonery Resuscitation
c. Count, Punch, Repeat
d. Choking Panic Response

CIA stands for
a. Central Ignorance Agency
b. Cops In Action
c. Center for Illegal Activities
d. Central Intelligence Agency

ETA stand for
a. Exact Time to Airport
b. Eager To Anxious
c. Estimated Time of Arrival
d. Ever Take an Airplane?

RBI stands for
a. Real Baseball Initials
b. Runner’s Balls Itch
c. Really Boring Information
d. Runs Batted In

BMW stands for
a. Blow My Wad
b. Big Money Waste
c. Bought My Wife
d. British Motor Works

HTML stands for
a. Hot Tamales & Meat Loaf
b. Hog Tied Monkey Love
c. Hard to Type Machine Lingo
d. HyperText Markup Language

DUI stands for
a. Drunk U Is!
b. Driving Utterly Inebriated
c. Drinkin’…Um…I dunno! Hahaha, whuzzit stands for Awsiffer?
d. Driving Under the Influence
e. Of WHUT? Hahahaha-hee-hee I’m all “of whut?” Hee-hee…Izzso funny hahaha! Hey leggo my arm!

Now simply check your answers to see how well you did. The correct answer is next to the right letter.
I know what you’re thinking “WTF? This is BS! Numbsain’s an SOB!” Which of course means:
Wow That’s Fun! This was Better than Sex! Numbsain’s a Smart Old Bloke!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Toy Store Employee Training Guide: Theft Prevention Procedure

You spot a 5 year old stuffing his pockets with Sponge Bob Erasers® valued at 59¢ per unit (manufacturers suggested retail price). The accomplice, the child's mother, supposedly unaware of the crime in progress struggles with a Rubik's Cube® 3 aisles over. What do you do?


1. DO NOT approach the suspect directly! This could appear threatening and cause the suspect to throw down the merchandise, possibly damaging it. Remember: the safety of the store and it's merchandise come first.


2. DO NOT approach the parent as they will never admit that their child has committed a crime. Parents are usually defensive and any confrontation can lead to a law suit if not a physical altercation.

3. DO NOT make announcements over the PA such as: "Code 7 aisle 5." Most career criminals or professional shoplifters pick up on this type of thing immediately and it could cause them to panic.

4. Clear as many customers out of the store as possible. Then secure the perimeter by stationing an employee at both ends of the aisle, just out of view.

5. Make one attempt to guide the perpetrator to the proper action by staging the following conversation within earshot:
"Hey George did you inventory those Sponge Bob Erasers?"
"Sure did, Steve. I know exactly how many we have in stock. Have we sold any yet?"
"Nope, not a one. Well, you're not doing anything, why don't you go count them again."
"Sure Steve, I will in exactly one minute after I finish up here."

Now the suspect knows he has one minute to put back all the stolen merchandise, but he may think he can run out of the store before you finish counting them.
So you add the following dialogue:

"Oh and George, they're doing some dangerous electrical work right outside the door so don't let any customers leave for the next five minutes."
"You got it Steve. That'll give me just enough time to count those erasers and then I'll let the folks out. IF the Sponge Bob Erasers are all still there, of course."

This procedure should solve the problem. If not you must proceed to step 6.

6. The suspect has shown himself to be irrational and desperate. The stolen items would more than likely be fenced and resold on the black market or worse, to a competitor. At this point you must subdue and incapacitate the suspect. But first the mother/accomplice must be dealt with.

7. Approach her and tell her she's won a sweepstakes, and in order to claim her prize, she must give an interview. Lure her into the back room with a stack of My First Wad® play money. Once in the back room, use chloroform to render the accomplice unconscious. Now, quietly escort all customers out the door and seal all exits and entrances.

8. Employees must don Batman Bat Gas Masks® before proceeding. As four employees close in on the suspect, Riot Control Barbie Nerve Gas® is released into the ventilation system so that he should already be feeling woozy. As his coordination falters he may reach for his weapon and attempt to discharge it. Quickly bombard the now armed felon from all sides with Nerf Darts® and ensnare him in a webbing of Spiderman Silly String®.

9. Recovery of the merchandise is first and foremost. As the felon becomes engulfed in the polymer-elastomeric product he will be both disoriented and immobilized enough to move in and separate him from the merchandise which should be handled with the utmost care to minimize damage.

10. Once the merchandise is safe, the felon can be destroyed with several rounds from a X-treme Assassin Pistol® fired at point blank range. Execute the same procedure for the accomplice who is harmlessly unconscious in the back room. The bodies should be disassembled with a Junior-the-Ripper Bone Saw®, or the Johnny Cadaver Autopsy Play Set®, carefullly wrapped and sealed in bubble-pack, boxed in cardboard shipping cartons, and disposed of in the dumpster behind the store.

Congratulations! you've just successfully averted a theft in progress and saved your employer potentially tens of dollars. Keep this document posted on the premises at all times and require employees to review it regularly.

These theft aversion procedures have been approved by the NSA, the NRA and are in compliance with the California State Penal Code and the California State Law Enforcement Act.

by Numbsain...He's been on both sides of the law, and he's still deciding.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...Without Laughing

 It's never easy telling someone it's over. The betrayal, the heartbreak, the alimoney. It's one of the worst feelings in life. Why then, you may ask, is it the subject of a humor blog? Read these break up letters and you'll see.

Dear Carlos,
I wanted to tell you this in person but I couldn’t bare it. You know I love you and I wanted more than anything to be Mrs. Carlos Diaz. But I could not have lived with the embarrassment of being your wife. It’s not you. I love you and I love the whole Diaz family and there’s nothing wrong with you or even your name. Diaz is a beautiful, noble name and any girl would be proud to have it. Except me. You understand why don’t you. It’s nothing wrong with me or my name either it’s just when you put the two together that it’s a problem. It would just be too embarrassing. I couldn’t go through life like that. Please try to forgive me. I’m so sorry Carlos please tell Mr. and Mrs. Diaz senior I never meant to hurt you or anyone in the Diaz family. Farewell.

Love, Doomian

P.S. Don't try to hook up with my sister, Scroomian either.
ˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆ
My Dearest Louie & Rickie,
These past few months have been the most wonderful of my life!!! You both make me feel so loved!!!! I never knew life could be so great with conjoined twins!!!!! It’s just so exciting!!!!!!#!.·¨ˆ’·.\· //.·..\.·.i¡·./_.··… . .  .   .    . Darn it@ I just broke my exclamation mark key&&& DAMN### Anyway, I think you two are a perfect 10% And the fact that you’re rich means nothing to me??? I love you for who you are$$$ (Look, just assume there are a lot of exclamation marks after every sentence) I know it’s not easy being conjoined at the back but look at the bright side, at least you’re both oriented the same way. I admit all the attention is a bit much but you do have your shit together so I get a little time to myself. 

Which brings me to my point. I know you two feel you need to get in touch with your roots and move back to Siam. I would go with you in a heartbeat but I’m just not happy living someplace where I'm a foreigner and in Siam I am. So I feel the three of us should separate, well not you two obviously, but, well, you know what I mean.

Love, Linda

ˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆ
Dear Brucie,
Darling, I have something to tell you, and it will come as a shock. We’ve been dating on the internet for 3 months now and I know you’ve fallen deeply in love with me. With my big blue eyes and long blonde hair. I know you're ready to take it to the next level and meet me in person because you can’t wait to hold my petite little body in your arms and touch my perky 22-year-old breasts and squeeze my tight firm tush just like we talk about all the time. Tee hee! Baby, I want you to do that to me too! And I’d love to finally meet, but there’s just one teensy weensy problem, honey buns. You see, I’m a 300 lb, 53-year-old man named Kevin. I'm really sorry pooky!

Do you think maybe we could just continue as we’ve been with me sending you naked pictures of my daughter?  I know what you’re thinking: why can’t you just meet my daughter, right? Well you wouldn’t like her. For some reason she’s really messed up in the head. Sorry, my darling

Love, Trixie, er I mean Kevin XOXOXO

Monday, November 7, 2011

Numbsain’s Eyewitless Newsflinch

CRACK HOUSE GETS A NEW A-HOLE
Wow that stuff really is addictive
Another crack house was raided in East Slappaho, yesterday but neighbors felt police used excessive force when a Kabuterimon missile was launched into the front of the structure leaving a hole large enough for all 30 occupants to escape before the dust cleared. No arrests were made but Chief of Police Pat Troll-Carr told reporters, “That’s okay cause we’ll be smoking crack for days!” Graffiti artists were quickly on the scene to beautify the destruction with tagging.

MARABUNTA ANTS EAT WORLDS LARGEST PICNIC
"Pass the potato salad...NO! WAIT! AAARGH!"
The Ninth Annual Yogi Bear Memorial Picnic this weekend unveiled the worlds largest picnic basket. Cartoon legend and cub star, Boo-Boo was among the VIPs on hand and told reporters, “Yogi would be schmutzing his butt fur if he were alive today! That is one momma-bear of a pic-a-nic basket!” The event ended in mayhem when a swarm of deadly Marabunta ants arrived and devoured the contents of the basket and all the guests.
CREATIVE ARCHITECT HAS HEAD UP ASS
Wo-o-o-ow, so innovative...glad I don't live there
A new condo development in Clobbergrove Widths, Montuna has residents questioning the sanity of the designer Jean-Bubba Fauxlieu, the latest talent out of THEE architectural school in Nice, France. Fucked-Up Heights features luxury apartments with an artistic slant putting style above functionality for a truly unpleasant living experience. The property owner is renting the apartments at a discount rate to make up for the inconvenience of having floors at a 45 degree angle. Tenants who felt it would be prestigious are having second thoughts after signing the one year lease, and are demanding their money back. Yet they’re remaining in the units because they can’t get to their front doors.

CAT ON CRACK
"Dum de dum...Damn!"
Steve Jacobson, a four year old grey tabby, from Dander Springs, Mushagain, inflicted severe spinal injury on his eight year old mother when he unwittingly stepped on a crack in the sidewalk. Immediately realizing what he had done, Jacobson, Meowsmodel and Covercat for Purina called paravetics who rushed Mrs. Jacobson, mother of 47, to a nearby pet hospital. Mrs. Jacobson is in critical condition at Senior Cyanide Euthanasia Clinic where veterinary doctors say her chances of making a complete recovery and, with physical therapy, being back at home with her family leading a perfectly normal, happy, eight more lives very soon, are virtually nil.

SPORTSDUMP
In badminton the Minichuria Midgets humiliated the St. Daphnesburg Dafodyls, 47 to 3, while in the Eastern Conference finals the New Crotchland Artichokes trampled the Bitchmouth Headpushers with an 8-1 victory.

On the Pro Fucking field today the West Rubberford Rugburns skewered the Clamidia Clams 14 to 0, and the Hamsterford Gerbils bumped uglies with the Guruvian Gnu-Herders in a tie game after 473 innings and 474 outings.

In the Womens Open Chest Tournament, Titianna Bustanutovia bounced back for a 30 to 10 win over Stenchka Rottentunavich who suffered a nipple injury in the second set.

And in Men’s Sewage Wrestling, Dammett Pismioff opened up a can on Grünt Asplündt who lost decisively for Scandalnavia. In Nude Tennis at Shriveldon, Poki Kuchakuchi eked out a 8 to 7 victory over Teehee Myarmstickle. And finally Teinie Van Der Heinie of the Nether-Netherlands took on Schlong Schvantzschlepper in a badly mismatched three sets of pathetic whimpering.

Other Scores:
Meerkats…...12
Tortugas ……...10
Morlocks…….8
Eloi …………......0
Bedwetters…3
Wetspotters ….1
Cuddlers……10
Snugglers…...…4


LOCAL WEATHER
Uh, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore
Forecast calls for low methane and carbon monoxide clouds in the early morning with 400 mph winds later in the afternoon and 14 inches of sulphuric acid rain over the weekend with temperatures up to 850 degrees F…Oops, sorry, that was the weather forecast for Venus.

Ah, here we go...

A dihydrogen monoxide storm near the coast is threatening to moisten wildlife and make road conditions hazardous for people who can’t drive. The CHP has issued a warning to the blind not to cross the street. Meteorologists are expecting as much as an inch and a half of dihydrogen monoxide (H20), to fall by the end of the week.

We’ll have tonight’s top stories for you next week after they’ve been censored and distorted by our corporate sponsers. From most of us at Eyewitless Newsflinch: go buy and have a safe deposit.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Security Password This, Futher Mucker!



As we wander mindlessly through our daily lives, oblivious to the mortal perils that eagerly wait to befall us, we are often reminded how important our petty little concerns are. And nothing tells us we are the center of the universe more than personal security passwords. Special codes to keep hostile forces from stealing our precious intellectual property and prevent our invaluable personal data from falling into the wrong hands.

My advances toward my girlfriend were rejected last night because my user name and password didn't match. I was redeemed when we realized I had "remember me" clicked and it had been unclicked by an alternate user. But I still had to wait for an email with my new password before I could access her “inbox” if you know what I mean.

My laptop makes me verify my identity before it will give me administrative privileges. I guess that's so when underprivileged children break into my house to steal my emails they'll have to settle for the price of a laptop on the black market. At least they didn't abscond with my notification of a certified bank draft from Mrs. Julian Roy who hopes her email finds me in perfect health. And quite frankly if someone goes to all the trouble to steal my car radio, I want them to be able to use it rather than have it create more non-biodegradable waste.

Security passwords on PCs are as ludicrous as a terrorist president warning us about the threat of terrorism, but some things just go too far.

I was on the freeway the other day and I get a call. The phone is at the bottom of my pocket, under my cash, my cigarettes, my nicorette gum, a bogus citation for indecent exposure, of all things... and my underwear. By the time I get the damn thing out, it's gone to voicemail. So I open the phone, press star 86 and hold it to my ear. meanwhile I've inadvertantly changed two lanes and made a little clearing in traffic which is nice because the flashing highbeams and fingers are just out of my viewing range. But before I can hear the message, that voice comes on:

"Welcome to the Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System! Please wait while we access your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System Messages. Thank you for accessing your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System! Did you know that you can pay your bill directly from your cellphone at anytime?; 1:00 am, 2:00 am, 3:00 am..."

At this point I had fallen asleep but I was awakened by honking just as she was saying: ..."even at 12:00 pm! That's the speed and convenience of using the Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System. Please enter your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System security password to access your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System Security protected messages, safe from theft, tampering or terrorists, now! BEEEP!" 

I sit there for a few seconds wondering how the terrorists get my phone out of my pocket so easily? I pry the phone off my ear to look at the keypad which has long since gone dark. As my eyes are trying to adjust I take a guess at where the numbers are and start poking away, put it back up to my ear and hear:

"You've pressed an incorrect key, I'm sorry your having trouble, Please hang up and try your call again later when you can take the time to properly access your instant message retrieval system by pressing the correct key, not the one you pressed which was incorrect. goodbye!"

I'm so pissed, I'm thinking: this isn't the right freeway, I was heading south! Then she says "Are you still there?" Okay now I'm beside myself. I'm just about to give her a piece of my mind when she says: "Are you sure you're all there?"...
AM I STILL THERE?!" NO! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM, THANKS TO YOU! BETTER QUESTION IS: WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE??!! THIS IS MY PHONE, BITCH!!!