Friday, September 28, 2012

“Okay if I smoke?” “Sure, mind if I fart?”




B
ad habits have been a popular favorite since Adam and Eve smoked their first dime of crack. But even more trendy than having bad habits, is quitting them. Entire organizations, are built on kicking everything from airplane glue to Pez, but the number one habit people love to quit is cigarettes. I used to quit smoking every night before going to bed. I realized I was in denial when I started using insomnia as an excuse to not quit.

Recently I actually did quit and my sense of smell returned. It's a good thing because it reminded me that my ex, who died of second hand smoke three months ago, was still in the closet. My parents were always concerned about second hand smoke. So they stayed at least ten feet apart whenever they smoked. They thought if they smoked the more natural cigarettes, it wouldn't kill them. They were right, they both died from natural causes...in their early thirties.

Back in the day, people didn't worry about second hand smoke. The father smoked at the dinner table and flicked the ashes right on the babies head. Now they're trying to ban smoking in all public places. I'll support that when they ban perfume, cologne and all whale vomit based designer stenches in general. They would also have to outlaw body odor, bad breath and farting, Incarcerate every skunk, civet cat and rutting goat, plus shut down half of New Jersey. Internal combustion engines would have to go too.

Though studies show that jogging along a freeway is less damaging to the lungs than if you're driving because when you breath heavily, the toxins don't have time to settle in. Yeah but I can easily run them over, but anyway... based on that fact, I took up exercising so I wouldn't have to quit smoking. But I can't find a gym with a smoking section.

So, begrudgingly, I nicked the kickotine habit, but the cravings wouldn't go away, so I got the patch. It was useless because I wasn't breast fed nearly long enough—my girlfriend weaned me off the double D's after only a year—so I still have the oral fixation. I tried the gum. That was close, but no cigar. Now I've started smoking moderately, five packs a day. But I found the combination of the three gives me the satisfaction I want from a bad habit. Now my girlfriend says kissing me tastes like licking an ashtray. I told her that's disgusting. Whose ashtray was it anyway?

I don't trust anti-smoking campaigns either. When was the last time some corporation or political entity told you to do something for your health? If they paid for a billboard, they've figured out how to make money from it. You've seen the ads:

“10,000 Smoking Related Deaths This Year.”

That includes the guy who tried to toss his cigarette out the closed window of his car, the cherry landed in his lap so he swerved trying to brush it onto the floor, hit the car next to him who veered of the road into a vegetable stand launching a zucchini over a fence hitting the emergency brake on Clevis McGee's back hoe which rolled over a haystack where he and Debbie Jo Calhoun were bumpin' uglies until they got tilled into the topsoil, dismembered and dried in the noon day sun.

Then there are those Surgeon General warnings that get more and more severe every few years:





This has been a public disservice announcement from the
American Council of Money Grubbing Corporations
Who Care About Your Health as Much as They Care About Who Becomes the Next U.S. President.

by Numbsain
...“at least he gives a shit!


Onedownsmanship with Gus and Phil




Phil: Mornin’ Gus.

Gus: Mornin’ Phil.

Phil: What's it feel like to be your own ancestor?

Gus: You can tell a man’s age by countin' the rings around his eyes.

Phil: Ain't ya' get any shut eye?

Gus: Who can sleep with all that racket? Damn fool kids got one them new fangled video games. Hootin’ and hollerin’ like coyotes after a kill. Shoot, back in my day, we had real games like battleships or tiddlywinks. Kept us happy for hours and din’t use a watt o’ ‘lectricity. We knew what fun was.

Phil: Hell, when I was just a sprout, we never had all that. Game o' stick-ball was as much fun as a boy could have on a Saturday off. We’d get ourselves a high bouncer from the five and dime, find an old broom handle an’ we was in heaven. Exercise, skill, and it got us out o’ that rundown one bedroom flat the eight of us shared.

Gus: Stick-ball eh? Y'all musta been from the rich neighborhood. Shoot, we ain’t had none o’ that. Back in my day, we played dodge-rock. Only had one rock in the whole damn town so we had to share it. Course the whole town could prob’ly fit inside your fancy one bedroom. Fourteen of us lived in a piano crate with a hole cut in it. I remember one Christmas mama stole us a chicken. I can still taste that yardbird.

Phil: Oohwee! Y’all had chicken? Sounds like you was spoiled boy. My twenty three siblings and I once nearly died walkin’ 20 feet to the edge of the dirt pile we lived on just to catch a look at a real farmhouse. Heard they had a chicken but I’ll be damned if we ever saw it. When I was five I did my family proud and caught me a juicy rat. We ate for weeks. I was the youngest so Mama sewed a little pair of shorts for me outta the pelt. Only reason I survived was on account of a scrap o’ meat I found in them shorts. I think mama left it for me on purpose. Least I think it was meat.

Gus: Oh, we didn’t have the luxury of a cozy dirt pile to come home to. Shoot, a hundred and eleven of us made do in a rolled up piece o’ newspaper in the middle of the road. Ain’t et my first meal until I was eighteen years old. Yup, it was my own foot. Mama used to slice it real thin and make us sandwiches between two black gum wads. That was iffin we could scrape ‘em off the side walk. Lasted us twenty years.

Phil: Y'all had foot n' gumwad sandwiches? Oowhee! My clan o' three-hunnert woulda killed fer a bite o' real food. We chewed on our fingernails fer nutrition. lived inside a candy wrapper in a dumpster. We couldn't even afford air to breathe so we had to pass the one breath around. You folks had it good.

Gus: What the hell are you talkin’ about Phil? That’s ridiculous! Shut up!


by numbsain...back in my day we couldn't afford my day.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Top Ten Things Todd Akin Thinks the Female Body Can Do

Akin and wife upon learning that the female body cannot run alongside a golf cart carrying 200lbs of clubs in the blazing sun all afternoon.
10. Render a man speechless, or just make his sound really stupid.

9. Walk into a room and turn every head…in a circle three times.

8. Reverse its digestive tract directly into his face.

7. Grow bigger tits.

6. Slap him in the face with its arms and kick him in the nuts with its legs.

5. Serve him breakfast in bed any time.

4. Look better and better the more beer he drinks.

3. Be the subject of poets and lorikeets throughout history.

2. Have a penis, as he discovered late one night in a seedy hotel.

1. BURN WITCH BURN!

By numbsain...he thinks the female body can do whatever it wants to him.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

New Yo Momma Jokes

These are not your ordinary yo mama jokes but, then again, yo mama ain't no ordinary mama. Sure, she's fat, ugly, and stupid, after all she's yo mama. But now she has a whole bunch of new problems, like ADD. The woman's got the attention span of a distracted gnat. When you were a baby she tried to get you to eat by making a the fork go like an airplane. If yo daddy didn't happen to be an air traffic controller you would have starved to death. And she suffers from dyslexia, really bad dyslexia. Well you'll see what I mean.

Yo mama’s so dyslexic when yo daddy asked her for a kiss she sat on his face.

Yo mama’s so dyslexic she thinks two wrongs don’t make a left.

Yo mama's so dyslexic when she says she's had it up to here with you she points to her feet.

Jokes about her even get mixed up yo mama’s so dyslexic.

Yo mama’s so dyslexic she uses the hazards for turn signals.

Yo mama’s so dyslexic she wouldn’t even try doing the hokey pokey.

Yo mama is so dyslexic you asked her what's up and she said, "I don't know."

Yo mama's got such bad ADD she wrote herself a "To..." list.

Yo mama's got such bad ADD she packed you a mayonnaise sandwich for lunch.

Yo mama’s so frigid her underwear has a lettuce crisper.

Yo mama's so frigid she has little vegetable magnets stuck to her butt.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got "a" in spelling…but no other words.

Yo mama’s so self-conscious about her lazy eye that she has to say she’s seeing someone on the side.

Yo mama’s so embarrassed about her waddle that she keeps it tucked into her cleavage.

Yo mama’s so sensitive about her hairy moles she dyes the hair green and say’s they’re chia moles.

Yo mama’s so intolerant of dirt that she makes you put on a slip cover before you walk in the house.

Yo mama’s so desperate she has a neon light on her panties that says VACANCY.

Yo mama’s so fat she tried to eat with a fork in the road.

Yo mama’s so mean she ordered the kids meal and then brought you over to the cook and said “Use this one and gimme a discount.”

Yo mama’s so mean when you asked her for money she handed you her hooker clothes and said, “get a job.”

Yo mama’s so hard up she shaved her pubic hair into a welcome mat.

Yo mama’s so strict you had a barbed-wire crib.

Yo mama’s so cheap she only lets you keep a pet until dinner time.

Yo mama’s so old when they read the bible in church she says, “Now that’s not what he told me…”

Yo mama’s so negligent she asked the day care center if they had permanent residences.

Yo mama’s so negligent she always forgets to clean your litterbox.

Yo mama’s so illiterate she can’t even set a spell.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you asked could you have a friend over for dinner she said, “over rice?”

Yo mama’s so fat she sat on Nat King Cole and when she got up he was Neil Diamond.

Yo mama’s so fat when her tampon leaked a red spot on her butt they thought it was Jupiter.

Yo mama’s such a cow, we call her Black Anguish.

Yo mama’s so fat she doesn’t get laid, she gets spelunked.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought puffy combs were for styling afros.

Yo mama’s so stupid when someone mentioned P. Diddy she said, “Who did? Where did he?”

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought she’d win a spelling bee cause she was good at spelling “bee.”

Yo mama’s so stupid  she thought 4 x 4 = Toyota.


by numbsain...His mama didn't raise no fool...She left him with his daddy.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Top 10 Reasons Sandusky Should Be Allowed to Coach

from Penn State to State Pen
Note: this is a joke: He should not be allowed to coach or take of his clothes, or his muzzle.

10. He’s molested fewer boys than most catholic priests.
9. He knows a good tight end when he sees one.
8. He’s tough and can take a licking.
7. He knows his team inside and out.
6. The cheerleaders are safe.
5. He gives players gifts and treats...Oh, sorry I misread "threats."
4. He teaches good ball handling techniques
3. He said he’s not a pedophile.
2. Penn State has a pretty good record—how bad could he be?
1. He’s a strong advocate of masculine hygiene.

by numbsain..."I felt his penis in my eye."

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Yo Mama Jokes...But She Ain't Funny

Yo mama: "Officer, I just made a silent fart. What should I do?"
Police officer: Replace the batteries in your hearing aid, lady


Yo mama’s so fat she asks, “do these pants make my ass look like Jupiter?”


Yo mama’s so stupid when she got a flat tire she went to jack in the box.

Yo mama’s so sweaty if you’re sitting in the first three rows you WILL get wet.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had to live in apartment #1 on the first floor at “1 First Street” cause she couldn’t count any higher.

Yo mama so ugly she went to Victoria’s Secrets and asked for something that would really turn a man on. They showed her Tina, the cashier.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks “propaganda” is when you take a good long look.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she saw you sagging she thought your ass crack was creeping up your back.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got arrested for shoplifting cause she couldn’t remember the second half of “Pick n’ Pay.”
Yo mama’s so stupid she likes Mickey D’s better than McDonald’s.

Yo mama’s so stupid she asked, “What does 911 spell?”

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought “constipation” meant “a full time job”.

Yo mama’s so poor she got fired from her job in a sweat shop for stealing sweat.

Yo mama’s so fat the dog tries to protect her from her own ass.

Yo mama’s so ugly there’s a Photoshop filter called de-yo-mama-fy.

Yo mama’s so fat when she gave birth to you, you almost suffocated.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought a gynocologist was an Australian doctor who was still gyna college.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks Casino Morongo is a gigantic beast that fights Godzilla.

yo mama’s so fat if she got all up in your face your head would explode.

Yo mama’s so poor when she barfs she checks to see if anything’s still good.

Yo mama’s so fat she’s all that, and that, and that over there, and all that stuff over there too.

Yo mama’s so fat she means everything to yo daddy and to everybody else too.

Yo mama’s so fat she got it goin’ on, and on, and on…

Yo mama’s so fat when she wears black and raises both arms you think of Mickey Mouse.

Yo mama’s so fat when she sits in the car she spills out the window…on both sides.

Yo mama’s so fat they didn’t know you’d been born until she stood up and kicked you.

Yo mama’s so fat when they strip searched her at the airport it took 3 days.

Yo mama’s so fat she’s incontinent, sorry, I meant she’s “a continent”

Yo mama’s so fat if you put a cookie on her shoulder she’d break her own neck

Yo mama’s so ugly when she looked in the bathroom mirror she said, “Who put a fish tank in my bathroom?”

Yo mama’s so fat she rolls like that.

By numbsain...yo mama's worst nightmare.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Fun Facts (in the broader sense) about the States

Not actual size
ALABAMA—Has the most unwanted mothers of any state. And the most wanted fathers …wanted by the police.

ALASKA—The only state where you can get raped by a polar bear, and hallucinate Russia from your back yard.

ARIZONA—The only state in the continental U.S. that didn’t mind being next to Nevada.

ARKANSAS—Has considerably more then ten times as many fingers as it has people.

CALIFORNIA—The only state where cats and dogs "friend" each other on facebook, and have a legal right to vote.

COLORADO—The only state with toxic levels of pure clean air. Colorado’s state flower is a rock.

CONNECTICUT—This states name contains a contradiction of continuity, and is also the birthplace of the fart.

DELAWARE—Boasts being the “most humble” state and has claimed bragging rights to that distinction for over 200 years.

FLORIDA—A man is 4 times more likely to die choking on his own penis in Florida than in any of the other states.

GEORGIA—Home of the date rape drug, no one person in Georgia has ever had a mutual orgasm

HAWAII—The only state surrounded by a moat, half the people in Hawaii are below the average intelligence for the state of Hawaii

IDAHO—It is twelve times as likely for a man to hire a prostitute and have it end up being his wife in Idaho than any other state.

ILLINOIS—Consumes more internet porn than the rest of the country put together. 

INDIANA—A virtual crock pot mecca, Indiana is the slow-cookin’-est state.

IOWA—More fatal gunfights between two-year-olds occur in Iowa.

KANSAS—Is the only state where little scruffy dogs care whether they are there or not.

KENTUCKY—More CO2 canisters are mistaken for suppositories in this state.

LOUISIANA—Often called the “State of Affairs, more people cheat in Baton Rouge (which means redness from being hit with a stick) than in any other city.

MAINE—The only state in the union that’s spelled wrong

MARYLAND—Everyone living in this state is a CPA. And all are unemployed.

MASSACHUSETTS—The first blow job given to a Turkish quadripalegic in front of a classroom full of Belgian foreign exchange students during a hurricane took place here.

MICHIGAN—All the streets in the state’s capitol city are named after a bodily function.

MINNESOTA—Most people in Minnesota have accidentally sodomized their grandparents.

MISSISSIPPI—The Sippy-Cup was invented here. But it was meant for uncoordinated adults.

MISSOURI—The only state with the word “sour” in the name.

MONTANA—The only state that tries to be like a lot of other states by ending in “A.”

NEBRASKA—Often called “the anti-panty state,” more women “go commando” in this state than in any other.

NEVADA—The first state to legalize stupidity, a pastime now practiced openly in all other states.

NEW HAMPSHIRE—The worst of the “New” states, they even spelled “hamster” wrong.

NEW JERSEY—Has the most people who wish they were dead.

NEW MEXICO—Famous for not having cheap hookers, at least none I was able to find.

NEW YORK—The only state where people will give you the finger and good advice in the same breath.

NORTH CAROLINA—The only paired “North” state that’s no better than it’s southern counterpart.

NORTH DAKOTA—The state where impatient finger tapping was first observed.

OHIO—The only state name that, when read backwards, sounds like a rabbi reprimanding a prostitute.

OKLAHOMA—The only state of the union where the word “voluptuous” is used inappropriately to describe everything from food to TV reception.

OREGON—The only state in which everyone secretly thinks they are better than everyone else in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA—The only state that wasn’t afraid of sounding too much like “Transylvania”.

RHODE ISLAND—The state with the unnecessary “H.”

SOUTH CAROLINA—The only state with no distinguishing characteristics.

SOUTH DAKOTA—The only state where men simply tell their wives, “Take off your panties,” as a prelude to hanky-panky.

TENNESSEE—The state that thinks it’s cool but is so not.

TEXAS—The only state where sexual perversion is considered prestigious, STD’s collateral damage.

UTAH—The state that never evolved, cult religions are the norm and bigamy is encouraged.

VERMONT—This state has such a sweet tooth they squeeze sugar right out of the trees.

VIRGINIA—Birthplace of the contemptuous sneer.

WASHINGTON—The only state that shares it’s name with a city, a president, and a lot of black folks.

WASHINGTON D.C.—Is the only place that’s not a state yet somehow got on this list.

WEST VIRGINIA—The only state in which laughing is a crime and brain activity is optional.

WISCONSIN—Is really Canada.

WYOMING—Is the only state whose name questions transcendental meditators.

By numbsain...constantly in a state of confusion.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

TOP TEN WORST TOWN NAMES


What does this have to do with anything? You'll see if you read on.


10. Backwash, Idaho
Population 400. The town's main attraction is the Backwash Dog Museum which delights enthusiasts with over 12 breeds of domesticated canine taxidermed pretty well by the curator himself, still there's an odor that keeps the locals from paying the $1.00 admission despite their extreme boredom. Out-of-towners wishing to get their money's worth usually last about a minute before they bolt for the door gasping for fresh air.

9. Discomfort, Michigan
Founded in 1834, According to the elders the town was named Discomfort due to a preponderance of nosebot flys which would lay their eggs in a person's nasopharynx while they were sleeping. As the maggot grew to 2 inches in length and devoured the host's brain it was said to cause some discomfort, hence the name. Population 0 as of 1835.

8. Ugly Old Biddy, Wisconsin
Founded by a farmer with 12 beautiful daughters who were oversexed and allergic to any type of apparel. Obviously the old man wanted them all to himself. The town is now inhabited by aged inbred retarded women who ate all the men, and for whom the town is now aptly named. 

7. Gotapee Springs, Missouri
There are no natural springs in Gotapee, nor are their any toilets due to a porcelain shortage. Just the Anheuser Busch brewery and a lot of drunken factory employees.
We have no idea where this is but we found this picture in an old shoebox.
6. Broken Penis, Arkansas
Named after the towns mayor, chief of police, fire marshal, general store owner and only resident. Legend has it Mayor Percival-Bob Meaterson broke his penis in a fucking accident back when it was a population of 2, the second resident being a tree stump named Sally.

5. Skidmark, Mississippi
A town so small that motorists driving through looking for a restroom shit their tighty-whiteys when they discover none to be found, nor even a tree to squat behind for privacy. But when they see the pile of soiled underwear at the far end of this roadside blight with a population of 13 (according to the sign, though no one's ever seen them), they add theirs to the heap.

4. Catspanking, Wyoming
Population 4,825. The town is situated atop an ancient burial ground used by the Pawnee Tribe whose spirits think it's hilarious to possess the bodies of all the stray cats in the burg and make them act real naughty (hence the name Catspanking).
The local sheriff at one time tried to pass a law prohibiting the striking of felines, but the townsfolk, having become quite fond of this disciplinary method, wouldn't hear of it and  to this day the town's motto is, "Spank 'em if you catch 'em."

3.  Bubblecud Nebraska
A poorly tested soil enhancement once used in this farming town gave the grasses an elastic quality which when chewed by the 2000 some odd head of cattle allows them to blow their cud into fairly impressive sized bubbles. They no longer hold the annual Cud-Bubble Competition because of a few cheaters who walked away with the trophy every year ruining the fun for the rest of them.
Christmas time in Frankfurter Plunge. Here two residents find the weather
just perfect for a good old fashioned western drawing match.
2. Frankfurter Plunge, Texas
They say everything is bigger in Texas. That doesn't apply to the un-google-mappable town of Frankfurter Plunge whose population barely reaches 2 digits during tourist season. With an average temperature of 118 F throughout most of the year locals claim it's the perfect climate in which to die.

1. Wobbly Pecker, Tennessee

Population 43,000. A richly landscaped and architecturally cutting-edge tourist mecca, with lavish high-rise 5-star hotels, sprawling public parks, sparkling fountains lining opulent 6-lane city thoroughfares with shopping centers of great abundance and glitz was planned for this town, but none of it came to fruition, some say due to the dubious name choice.


Bullshit artists conception of some bullshit he made up.

By numbsain...he was born in a town called "Yechh."

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Yo Mama's So...Somethin'

yo mama tripped and fell while crossing the street

 Yo mama’s so fat Ben & Jerry have their own parking spaces in front of the house.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she went to get acupuncture she asked for a shot of novacaine first.

Yo mama’s so fat yo daddy smacks her ass before he goes to work and when he comes home it’s still jiggling.

yo mama’s so old she has dinosaur DNA trapped in her boogers.

Yo mama’s so old when she crosses the street she's afraid of being hit by a horse and buggy.

Yo mama’s so fat her favorite continental breakfast is Africa.

Yo mama’s so old she tells senior citizens, “When I was your age I had respect for my Australopithecus."

Yo mama’s so old she tells you not to track the earths partially cooled crust into the house.

Yo mama’s so old she put her money in the first national bank.

Yo mama’s so old she once yelled at a guy for dragging a wooden cross through her rose bushes. Then she made him wear the ones he ruined on his head.

Yo mama’s so stupid when a clerk tried to sell her pants made of corduroy she asked who the other three quarters were.
Don't ask...I have no idea.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to Weight Watchers, they sent her to Whale Watchers.

Yo mama’s so fat there are wise men living in her hair.

Yo mama’s so big she has a snow cap.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she got crabs they had to tent her.

Yo mama’s so fat when she played goalie on the soccer team she never had to move.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks the Flinstones is a reality TV show.

Yo mama’s so fat when she went to get a tramp stamp they sent her to a muralist.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to a restaurant alone and the maitre ‘d said “party of five?”

Yo mama’s so fat you need binoculars to read over her shoulder.

Yo mama’s so fat she wins at twister every time on the first spin.

Yo mama’s so old archeologists are already trying to study her.

Yo mama’s so old she complains that the universe just isn’t expanding they way it used to.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a bear in the woods and told you to watch where you step.

What? Well she is! Don't lie. C'mon yo mama ain't in the best of shape, she ain't exactly fine, and she forgets to breathe sometimes so we're not talking genetic perfection here, get over it. If you don't like me talking about yo mama, leave a comment and tell me about my mama. C'mon bring it on.

By numbsain...He's a mother too. In fact he's his own mother. Now that was a difficult delivery!

Don't forget to take a gander at our many other yo mama jokes:

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/11/yo-mama-jokes-2012.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/02/yo-mamas-so-stupid-shes-at-loss-for.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/01/numbsain-lets-fly-on-yo-mamaagain.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mamas-are-so-phat.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mama-2012-part-2-yo-mamas-had-it-now.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/10/yo-momma-jokesso-stupid-even-yo-momma.htm

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Yo Mama Jokes "Readers" Hall of Fame 2012

Welcome to the
“First Annual Numbsain’s Unwind Yo Mama Jokes 2012 Readers Hall of Fame”
Where YOU write the jokes and I laugh! We’ve got some good ones here from folks all over the world, and some I suspect from other planets. But we all have one thing in common, we love insulting yo mama. Of course we don’t really hate mamas because, after all without mamas we’d have no one to spit on a tissue and wipe our faces with it when it’s dirty. But since nobody’s mama would ever read this blog, who better to pick on? so without further ado...


reedykurtis12721 gave us these two:

Yo mama is so stupid she got locked in walmart and starved.
yo mama is so stupid she brought a spoon to the superbowl.


Thank you reedy!

 
TROPICAL NEON shouted:

YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WE NEEDED A COMPASS TO FIND HER BUTTHOLE NAH NOT EVEN YO MAMA IS SOOO FAT WEN SHE WENT TO DA BEACH ALL THE WHALES STARED TO SING WE R FAMILY EVEN THOUGH U FATTA DEN ME DATS A JOKE.

Well he didn’t have to yell and he should learn about periods but we love him anyway cause he’s funny. thank you TROPICAL NEON! Oh by the way, trop, just curious, but why were you trying to find my mama’s butthole?



gregr brang us this one:

yo mama teeth is so yellow, cars slow down.
Thank you gregr, except for one thing. My mama ain’t got no teeth.



donneia had this to say:

yo mama lips so big when she wanted to kiss her bf she swalled his head O_O
Hey, donneia, you DO know my mama! Hahahahaha he deserved it. (Doesn’t donneia look pretty with those big eyes of hers? She should smile more though.)



Yo momma herself wrote in and said:

yo mamma so fat when she jumped in the air she got stuck.

Well she should know. Thank you uh, mom.



Conrad was really pushin’ his luck when he said:

Yo Momma so stupid she bookmarked this website.

hmf! I think she was smart.



Angelonfire sent in this original joke:

yo mama so fat when i was sitting on the end of the couch she sat on the other edge she made me go fly across the room.

Good one, Angel. You ARE on fire!



ddawesumness wrote in and said:

yo mama so old wen i asked her 4 her id she gave me a rock.
Thank you dd, that was one of my favorites.



trey jhonson offered this gem:

yo mama is so stupid she shoved a phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.

Excellent! Thank you trey.



regina wrote in and had the nerve to say:

these are the stupidest jokes there not a bit funny
heres a real joke .........
yo mama so old when god said let there be light she was there to hit the switch!!!!!!!!
now thats hilarious mmmm bahhhahahahahahahahah .........shaking my head!!!!!!!!!


Hmk!…No I’m not laughing cause I’m mad at regina. Not just because she said my jokes weren’t funny but also she uses too many exclamation marks! Save some for the rest of us, girl!...Hmk!...Hah…hahaHAHAHA! But she cracks me up! Bahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!! Oops!



random comes in all slick and says:

yo mamas so fat when she went on her scale her phone number came up!
now thats a joke.


Oh it is is it? Good thing, random, cause my mama ain’t that fat!



Tannerb wrote in and shared these two original jokes which he wrote himself. A lot of people try to steal his jokes but that’s just cause they ain’t no tannerb. He says:

yo mamma so old when moses parted the red sea she was on the other side fishin' and heres another yo mama so old when she was born the dead sea just started gettin sick.

Hahaha I love that one. Nice work tannerb, you the shizzizzney!



And then we have this lovely offering from little sam:

any one who posts on this site likes to suk my dik.
yo mama a bi**h


Aawww isn’t that sweet? Little sam, couldn’t be more the 3 foot nothin and he took his pacifier out of his mouth just to say those kind words. Thank you sammy-poo!



emily came on and sent us this classic:

yo mamas teeth is so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles.
Thanks Em, I like they way you told that one.



This one is from john:

yo mamas so nasty when i asked her whats for dinner she opened her legs and said crabs.

You so nasty. I bet when john goes to McDonalds he orders the Big 'N' Nasty.



Frankster 28 comes in and lays four good ones on us in a row just like that Bam!  Bam! Bam! Bam!:

Yo mama so fat that her blood type is rockyrode
Yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car
Yo mama so short she hand glides on Doritos chips
Yo mama is like a vacume cleaner she blows, she sucks and gets laid in the closet

Woah! Thank you Frankster28!



And thank all of you for reading my blog and sharing your funny-ass yo mama jokes with us. I can’t pick a winner out of everyone because all y'all are winners. Every last one of you. even my little buddy sam. (Aw isn’t he cute? When he was a baby his first words were, “Ah go f*ck yerself, beeyotch!” I’ll bet he can name any brand of soap just by the taste.) You all should write blogs of your own and make up all your own jokes and show the world just how funny you are. And when you do send me a link and I’ll come and comment on YOUR blog.


By the readers of numbsain's unwind...who will one day take over my blog and maybe make it worth reading!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Fight Night at MSG

Live From Madison Square Garden


In this corner... fighting out of green trunks with yellow stripes... wearing a smug overconfident grin... from El Paso Texas... weighing in at 210 pounds... the challenger...

PAN-CH-O-O-O
“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”
PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!


And in this corner... fighting out of blue trunks with pink stripes and fire trucks with little dalmations wearing fireman hats and holding ladders... wearing sensible shoes... from Bullpenis Iowa... weighing in at 218 pounds... the champion...

BOY-E-E-ER
“THE DE-STROY-E-E-ER”
SAW-W-Y-Y-E-E-E-E-R-RRRRrrrrrrr


Ref: Now fighters you know the deal, I want a good, clean fight. Nothin’ dirty. No funny stuff, no silly stuff, no hitting below the belt, no belting below the hit, no biting below the ears, no clenching, no clutching, no hugging, no kissing, no spitting, no pissing, no loitering, no soliciting, no parking anytime, no taking cuts in line, no name calling, no tattling, no chewing gum, and no running in the halls, keep your guard up, chin down, chest up and butt out! Take a swing at me I’ll shove my whistle up yer ass and you’ll be farting high C, you hear me? Now get in yer corners and stay there ‘till the bell... And did you two go to the bathroom first?

Pancho: Shit, I forgot, dude...

Ref: What?!

Pancho: I’m just messing witchoo Holmes!

Ref: Grrr...

Boyer: I’m gonna knock the skittles outta you Piñata!

Pancho: May the crab lice of a thousand hookers infest your armpits you misanthropic troglodyte! I’m gonna make you my girlfriend...

Boyer: Not without dinner and a movie first!

Pancho: Yeah? Whattaya like? there’s a romantic comedy playing at the Lumiere.

Ref:
Alright break it up ladies.

[Ding Ding]

The fighters are circling, squaring off, triangulating, Pancho testing his range with a few scales, he’s a little rusty on the high notes, Boyer looks a little chicken, he’s ducking, ducking, now he’s goosing Pancho, the ref doesn’t like that, he gets a little jealous, Pancho seems to like it. Neither boxer really connecting... At least not on a real, emotional level. There’s Pancho with a little combination, looks like a cheese enchilada and a beef taco. Boyers bobbing and weaving... He’s crocheting a little doily, now he throws a wild right, Pancho throws it back, now he throws a shoe, Boyer sizes him up, checks his inseam, Pancho moves in, he pays his first and last months rent but Boyer want’s a cleaning deposit, Pancho’s dancing, he leads with a left, Boyer dips him.
Now Pancho does a two step and he’s really swingin’ but he misses Boyer, he looks kind of sad, Boyer misses him too, they get back together, They’re talking.

Pancho: Hey Sawyer, I saw yer wife last night

Boyer: Yeah, I saw your boyfriend last night.

Pancho: Yeah, well I saw yer momma last night

Boyer: Oh yeah, well I saw your parole officer last night

Pancho: Well I saw your pecker last night, all two inches of it.

Boyer: Yeah that’s cause you had the other eight in your mouth.

Pancho: Really, I thought that was a piece of dental floss.

DING!

And they go to their corners. Boyers trainer Bruce Allswell goes to work on Boyers eye with the endswell, Boyer grabs it and he won’t give it back. Boyers coach tells Boyer to give Allswell that endswell.

Meanwhile Pancho’s standing up in his corner. His trainer is checking out his equipment, he’s not impressed. Pancho takes a drink, he swishes it around in his mouth and spits it out, He doesn’t care for the bouquet of that vintage. The coach brings him an ’05 Bouchon Cabernet Sauvignon, He checks the color. He’s letting it aerate...

DING!

Pancho comes out circling the ring, Boyer comes out circling the other way, not looking where he’s going, They collide in the middle, they trade insurance information, now they start trading punches, they trade a few recipes, then back to punches.
Pancho with a left,
Boyer with a right,
a left,
a right,
a left,
a right,
left,
right,
left,
right,
ten HUT!
Abo-o-out face!
Forwa-a-a-ard Harch!
And they’re marching around the ring.
Boyer breaks formation and nails Pancho with a crushing uppercut.
The challenger is stunned, he’s dazed, he’s confused.
He’s bewitched, bothered and bewildered,
he’s bedazzled, he’s bamboozled, he’s befuddled,
he’s totally discombobulated! Wait! Now he’s recombobulated.
Pancho’s shaking out the cobwebs,
he’s walking it off, he’s getting his bearings,
he stops and asks for directions, he pulls out a map, he’s back on track.
He signals he’s okay, he shrugs it off, and then he falls down flat on his face.
He gets the three count. One! ...Two! ...Two and a half!... Two and three quarters!
Boyer doesn’t like what he sees and he walks over and drop kicks the ref in the nuts!
Then he starts stomping on Pancho’s head. That wakes him up! Pancho’s gotten to his knees, he pulls out a little box, he opens it, it’s a RING!

Pancho: Boyer, will you marry me, Dude?

Boyer: Yes, Pancho. I will marry you! I.. I love you man!

This is beautiful! Boyer accepts! He helps pancho to his feet. They’re about to kiss! Ladies and gentleman this is truly a touching moment...

Oohh! And Pancho delivers a CRUSHING right to the chin of the champion! And Boyer hits the canvas like a 30 pound sack of monkey shit! And he’s out like a fop at a gay pride parade! AMAZING! The crowd goes WILD!!!

And the winner! By a knockout, at the end of round two... The new heavyweight champion of the world...

PAN-CH-O-O-O
“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”
PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!


by numbsain

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

YO MAMA TRUTHS

I was thinking about yo mama the other day and it's really not right the way we talk about her. I mean we should cut that woman a little slack. So I thought of some things to say about her that were true and honest. After all she can't help it if she's fat, ugly, and stupid.


Yo mama’s so fat when she tried out for an acting job they said if she was a little brighter she could be a star…or at least a planet.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to get a job at K-Mart but they said they didn’t have any openings...she could fit through.

Yo mama’s so fat some Native Americans tried to claim her ass as Fataho territory.

Yo mama’s so fat she was almost hunted by a Hopi tribe but they decided they would never be able to use every part of her.

Yo mama’s so fat some kidnappers tried to hold her for ransom but they couldn’t get the trunk closed.

Yo mama’s so fat they named a perfume after her: “Gigantic” by Calvin Klien.

Yo mama’s so fat she can’t fall down.

Yo mama’s so fat that she's always a round

Yo mama’s so fat when she sneezed they called it hurricane Mama.

 Yo mama’s so old we found a portrait of her...in a cave painting.

Yo mama’s so stupid her smart phone was making fun of her.

Yo mama’s so fat people see her and say, “Lard have mercy! The lard works in mysterious ways!”

Yo mama’s so fat she, like some dinosaurs, has a second brain in her hips but she’s so stupid all it does is tell her to sit her lazy ass down.


Yo mama's so sensitive she get's offended by the crack of dawn.

Yo mama’s so stupid she bought a Dell computer, turned it on and said, “Where’s the farmer?”


Yo mama may be fat but she does manage to hold down the house…In a tornado!

Yo mama’s so fat when she says, “get off my back!” you all use her thong to bungee off her ass.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Daylight Savings was a bank.

Yo mama’s so stupid she says she gives debit where debit is due.

Yo mama’s so ugly she was asked to leave the circus cause she was scaring the freaks.

Yo mama’s so ugly someone saw her in a public restroom stall and complained to the janitor.

Yo mama’s so ugly when she got a zit on her face she got all kinds of compliments on it.

Yo mama’s so ugly the priest said, I pronounce you man and wife…Uh, shake!

Yo mama’s so ugly your first words were, “Ma-ma you fuggin UGLY!”

Yo mama’s so ugly when she came to kiss you goodnight you asked the monsters under the bed, “Can I come sleep with you guys?”

Yo mama’s so ugly when you found out how babies are made you bought your daddy a white stick.

Yo mama’s so ugly she was diagnosed with excessive repulsive disorder.

Yo mama’s so fat when she gets 'roids she has to put preparation H on the arm of a chair and then back up to it

Yo mama’s so stupid she tried pot but she didn’t exhale.

By numbsain...His mama would be so proud, as she's smackin' him upside the head.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

AWFULLY AWESOME FORTUNE COOKIES



 Isn't that just despicable? The day Chinese restaurants start advertising smut in fortune cookies is the day I stop looking online for smut advertisments. Fortune cookies are a tradition that dates back to when they first started making fortune cookies, and the wisdom found in these edible oracles has helped millions find the path to their true destinies. Well I suppose if it's your true destiny you can't exactly avoid it. But it's nice to have the reassurance along the way of a reliable, trusted authority...cookies. Especially ones that don't taste very good because you figure it's gotta have some purpose. Although that doesn't explain the little doily underneath dim sum that just gets all soggy and you can't tell if you're supposed to eat it or not until it's too late.

 I hope you enjoyed these fortunes because I had to eat a lot of bad Chinese food to get them. One place was called "Human Restaurant" but there was a typo on the sign so it said "Hunan." I guess it's easy to mess up the translations. but it didn't taste like human at all, it tasted more like chicken. So I tried to get my money back but they said, "yu dam foo, wai yu so dum, wee noh hav hyu man, yu mus goh nao!" which I assume means, "Sorry no refunds."

By Numbsain...hee sum dum gai.


Saturday, February 18, 2012

TOP TEN LAST THINGS PEOPLE HEAR

"Say Henri, what force of nature should we taunt mercilessly today?"
"What say we go beg gravity to kill us?" "Okay sounds great!"

10. Suicide Hotline, can you hold please? [Please stay on the ledge for the next available operatorAh, ah, ah, ah, stay-in’ a-live…Stay-in a-live…] Hi! Thank you for holding. My name is Jenny, can I get your full name and what method of suicide have you chosen today?

9. C’mon Jimmy, forget about that silly old insulin, you don't need that stuff...

8. I’m sure. Yes, positive. I swear I packed it right. I’ve done it a thousand times. Just go ahead. See you on the ground. Wait Bob! STOP! DID YOU REMEMBER TO STRAP THE DAMN THING TO YOUR BACK?

7. Okay just stay calm, and don’t show it any fear or it’ll rip your guts out faster than you can blink.

6. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED MCMURPHY! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND WE PROMISE WE WON’T SHOOT!…There he is! FIRE!

5. Mine field? What are you talking about there are no mine fields around he– (click).

4. Okay now listen carefully, Jameson, you can do this. I’m gonna talk you down and after this is all over you can tell everyone you landed a 757!

3. Don’t worry the worst that can happen is you get really sick. Takeshi, two more rounds of the blowfish!

2. Cut the red one, no green! No no no sorry it is the red wire…Wait did I say red? I meant green, yes cut the green wire, or was it…

1. Oh yeah, baby! You LOVE my big fat butt don’t you? Yeah you do, huh? Look at you all tied up like that! (Tee hee!) You want me sit right on your face, don’tcha. Yeah, I know. Well, here I go, all 300 pounds of me!!!


By Numbsain...Last he heard was he was going to be just fine...yeah right.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

ANNOUNCEMENT!


Numbsain's Unwind has been steadily growing in popularity since I first started it back in August of 2011 and now I'm pleased to announce my blog is about to officially go ITCHY! (one of the stages before "viral," I believe "infectious" is next)

Yes, we're approaching 10,000 hits so keep visiting and if you are that lucky 10,000th visitor you'll win the grand prize! All the money this blog has earned since it started! Wow! I know what you're thinking: "that must be a lot, huh?" You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Tell all your friends, and your enemies too, I don't care. Just don't tell my ex!

As a tribute to nothing in particular here are some random things that some people might like, or hate.

 The contents of God's wallet      (like)
Running errands for your wife       (hate)
End of civilization as we know it       (Either way)
Optical illusions that hurt your eyes      (like)
Stupid autofagiac snakes       (hate)
Cockroach serving Mexican food and a horny blonde girl    (duh)


By Numbsain...He's easily amused, but he bathes...every week.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Funny Valentine

If you’re a man Valentine’s day is a time when the potential to piss someone off is especially high. You’re expected to be romantic and come up with a really nice gift but candy or flowers are unimaginative and won’t impress anyone, yet if you don’t buy them you’re gonna hear it for sure. This means you need to buy them and something else even more expensive too.

Not only that you'll be in big trouble if you don’t plan a romantic dinner and be really good in bed afterwards. By "good" we don’t mean having sex well because that probably won’t happen, unless you get the candy, flowers, something more expensive and romantic dinner part right which is almost impossible. But by good in bed we mean don’t try anything because then it will seem like you want something for all the money you spent. Yet she’ll be offended if you don’t try something in bed.

So basically you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. That’s why Valentine's day is the worst day of the year. Unless you work for See’s, Tiffany’s, a really expensive steak house or a florist shop. So since you’re gonna be fighting anyway you might as well have some fun and get a bag of these assorted, his and hers “Hate Hearts.”



By Numbsain...When it comes to romance he knows everything there is to know about fixing cars.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

What Does Nature Mean?

Big Tits are natures way of saying, “Wow Look at these! Isn't life great?"


Aging is natures way of saying, “are you still here?”

Puberty is natures way of saying, “Uh dude, what’s, like, happening to you?

Dying is natures way of saying, “What? You think you’re gonna start feeling better?”

Impotence is natures way of saying, “Now can you stop playing with it for one minute?”

Dating is natures way of saying, “Wouldn’t it be a lot easier just to play with it for a minute?”

Orgasms are natures way of saying, “Doesn’t seem so important now does it?”

Physical exhaustion is natures way of saying, “Now will you stop killing yourself?”

Hunger is natures way of saying,  “Eat.”

Starvation is natures way of saying,  “What part of 'Eat' didn't you understand?”

Defeat is natures way of saying, “What did you think you were, God?”

Failure is natures way of saying, “Hey listen, it happens.”

Windfalls are natures way of saying, “See, I’m not so bad.”

Being ugly is natures way of saying, “at least you know you’re not just getting by on your looks.”

Being attractive is natures way of saying, “Wow look at you, should be a piece o’ cake now…(good luck with that.)”

Pain is natures way of saying, “Sorry, heh-heh.”

Being made to look like an idiot is natures way of saying, “I told you you were an idiot”

Virginity (for a teenage girl) is natures way of saying, ”Okay, so far so good”

Virginity (for a teenage boy) is natures way of saying, ”Wimp.”

Virginity (for a young woman) is natures way of saying, ”Wow! Are you okay? Ya sure?”

Virginity (for a young man) is natures way of saying, ”Dude, wtf?”

Virginity (for a middle aged woman) is natures way of saying, “I knew you weren’t okay, you ready to talk about it now?”

Virginity (for a middle aged man)
is natures way of saying, “No comment…No, don’t even…I don’t wanna hear it.”

Virginity (for an older woman) is natures way of saying, ”Hey whatever…It’s your life.”

Virginity (for an older man) is natures way of saying, ”Okay, I’m outta here. You obviously don’t need me …Woulda been nice if you’d told me that in the first place, but who the hell am I. Later. (SLAM!)”


By Numbsain...natures way of saying, "oops."

Monday, February 6, 2012

Yo Mama's So Stupid she's at a loss for words


This has nothing to do with yo mama jokes but...
Damn that's the biggest yeti I ever saw!
This time yo mama's only one thing: STUPID as an Alka-seltzer umbrella.

Yo mama’s so stupid she couldn’t make scrambled eggs because she kept getting them mixed up.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks she has two vaginas but one went bad.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you were 14, and girl crazy, she hired a 16 y.o. girl to babysit you.

Yo mama’s so stupid she threw away your Magic Crystal Growing Kit cause she thought it was a meth lab.

Yo mama’s so stupid she found some white powder in your sock drawer and accused you of stealing sugar from the kitchen.

Yo mama’s so stupid you came home to find the dog on the couch with the remote watching "All My Puppies" and yo mama tied up in the back yard.

Yo mama’s so stupid she said if you don’t finish all your dessert you don’t get to do your homework.

Yo mama’s so stupid she made you boys wear hand me downs…from your big sister.

Yo mama’s so stupid she told you don’t kiss a boy on the first date…So you thought everything else was okay.

Yo mama’s so stupid she serves a continental breakfast for the roach motel.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she saw a charge on your daddy’s credit card for “escort service” she said, “What was wrong with the car, honey?”

Yo mama’s so stupid yo daddy brings her flowers on April Fools Day.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the bank asked for her maiden name she said Maiden Hong Kong.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you asked for Chinese food for dinner, she made Sick & Soggy Pork.

Yo mama's so stupid she believes in the Santa Bunny.

Yo mama's so stupid she's just now learning to say "mama."

Yo mama's so stupid when she gets a headache it's only cosmetic.

Yo mama’s so stupidly dyslexic she prays to the Dog every night.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she ran over a cat, she ran it over 8 more times so it wouldn’t suffer.

Yo mama’s so stupid you needed an excuse for being late with your homework so yo mama ate it.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the dog had puppies she got mad at yo daddy cause they looked like him.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich she started looking for the recipe.

Yo mama’s so stupid that when yo daddy said he was bringing two Brazillian friends over for dinner she said “Oh my god, how many is a brazillion!”

Yo mama’s so stupid that when her therapist asked her “tell me about your mother.” She said, “Ask her your damn self this is my therapy!”

Yo mama's so stupid she bit her tongue, then asked for seconds. 

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her when was her last period she said, “Oh I’m not in school anymore, doctor.”

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her, “Have you had migraines?” she batted her eyelashes and said, “Are you inviting me over for breakfast, doctor?”

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her, “Any hot flashes” she blushed and said, “Well, my top fell of in the pool once.”

Yo mama’s so stupid she makes Sarah Palin look sma-…No wait, that’s impossible. Nobody’s that stupid.



All original yo mama jokes by Numbsain, the worlds leading authority on maternal belittlement.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Unwind From Her Point of View

Dear Readers,

You may have noticed that most, if not all of my posts, are written from a decidedly male perspective. This is to be expected since I am a member of the unfairer sex. But I feel it would be a refreshing change if I were to write a typical Numbsain’s Unwind post from a female point of view, completely devoid of the usual maleness that is normally so evident in my writing. So it's time to turn on the estrogen and get totally into the female mindset, which I can do just as easily as flipping a switch. Here we go…


Top Ten Benefits of Having a Man with (tee hee) Two Penises! lol!

10. Well he’d have confidence, and a really good job, a job that a man with one penis could never have. (Tee hee)! Oh my! I can’t believe I’m writing this!

9. Mom, Daddy, I hope you are not reading this post…but if you are, forgive me please? (I wuv you guys! XOXOXOX)

8. Ooooh, I know. When one of his penises is, well, sleeping (tee hee,) and isn’t there for me, ready to satisfy my womanly urges. I can always have the other. Yay for me! LOL!...Oh, I’m so bad!

7. Penises are so nice, I like to have more than just one! (tee hee hee) Gosh this is so embarrassing!!!!!

6. Okay what else? Oh my gosh if my girlfriends back at Delta Beta Kappa saw this I would just DIE!

5. I don’t know, a penis is just a body part. If I really and truly love my man it wouldn’t matter what he had, well, down there, y’know? But a big one sure helps! LMAO!

4. Oh I’m just terrible! I never thought I would be writing pornography! Hahahaha hee hee! (Sigh!)

3. I would be so proud of my big strong man with two penises, because he’d be the one, my soulmate, forever (sigh).

2. and when he holds me in his powerful arms, and looks deep into my eyes, I would feel…happy…(sob) for the first time in my life…Oh, two penis man! I love you! OXOXOXOXOXOXOX!

1. And he’d love me too…But, not every night. C’mon honey, we just did that yesterday…No! The answer is No, not tonight…maybe next week if you buy me the shoes I was telling you about…then maybe I’ll, you know what…I can’t say it. No just one of them, mister! Hel-l-lo-o-o I’m up here. Those are my breasts they can’t talk. talk to me. Ugh will you put those away please? tsk! Your such a typical man.





By Numbsaina...Strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman.



Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Top Ten Benefits of Having a Girlfriend with Two Vaginas

What were you expecting an actual picture of the two vagina'd woman? Sorry you'll have to settle for this tasteful symbolic representation of two lovely rivers, The Squirter River and The Poontanga Rapids.


10. Economy: It’s like getting two for the price of one because there is a negligible increase in fuel consumption per a 100% increase in total vaginage.

9. Two vaginas together are happier because they can keep each other company.

8. If you invite a buddy over there’s plenty to go around.

7. Just like pigs who compete for food and get fatter when paired up, two vaginas would be in constant competition for your dick.

6. She can queef in harmony.

5. Less mouth to listen to than in any other situation in which there are two vaginas present.

4. One can be used as a convenient cup holder during sex.

3. Great Ice breaker at parties, conversation "pieces" at dinner. Or liven up any social event.

2. If one's in the shop for repairs you have a spare.

1. You can pimp her out for Doublemint gum commercials:
Dou-ble your pleas-sure,  Dou-ble your fun with Dou-ble-mint, Dou-ble-mint Dou-ble-mint cunt.

By Numbsain…He doesn’t even know what to do with one.