Top Ten Benefits of Having a Girlfriend with Two Vaginas

What were you expecting an actual picture of the two vagina'd woman? Sorry you'll have to settle for this tasteful symbolic representation of two lovely rivers, The Squirter River and The Poontanga Rapids.

10. Economy: It’s like getting two for the price of one because there is a negligible increase in fuel consumption per a 100% increase in total vaginage.

9. Two vaginas together are happier because they can keep each other company.

8. If you invite a buddy over there’s plenty to go around.

7. Just like pigs who compete for food and get fatter when paired up, two vaginas would be in constant competition for your dick.

6. She can queef in harmony.

5. Less mouth to listen to than in any other situation in which there are two vaginas present.

4. One can be used as a convenient cup holder during sex.

3. Great Ice breaker at parties, conversation "pieces" at dinner. Or liven up any social event.

2. If one's in the shop for repairs you have a spare.

1. You can pimp her out for Doublemint gum commercials:
Dou-ble your pleas-sure,  Dou-ble your fun with Dou-ble-mint, Dou-ble-mint Dou-ble-mint cunt.

By Numbsain…He doesn’t even know what to do with one.

Fortune 500 Cookies

I found a new Chinese restaurant that has the good kind of fortune cookies. Only  problem is they're very stingy with them. I figured if I come in with a party of five i should get five fortune cookies at the end of the meal. So I came in and said the other four were on their way and we'd all like to start with dessert. They asked me what dessert we wanted and I said, "the free fortune cookies." I figured I'd just wait a little while and then say, "I guess they couldn't find parking so I'll go out and bring them their fortune cookies so they can get started. Suddenly two girls came out of the back and started pawing all over me. I said, "I'll give you exactly one hour to stop doing that!"

But they stopped after about thirty seconds so I left with my cookies. Then I realized they picked my pockets and took a hundred dollars. So I wet back the next day and held the place up at gun point. I told 'em, "put all the fortune cookies in this bag and nobody gets hurt!" So I got the cookies. But the next day they came to my house and ate all my fish and house plants, murdered my TV and had sex with my cat.  I didn't know what was gonna happen next so I opened a cookie and read the fortune. It said,

"Okay first slash all their tires then call the police and tell them about the opium business they have back there..."

I did and it turns out it was a 5-year-old kid that wrote me that note, and he writes the cookies too. So I asked him to be my apprentice and teach me everything he knows about comedy writing.

by Numbsain.. above and beyond to bring you the best!

Numbsain's Top Ten Stupid Tattoo Ideas

Why is this guy is smiling. Maybe to cover up the fact that he made a terrible mistake back in the 70's and has been regretting it ever since. "Whatsamatter Larry, they turn you down for that loan officer job again?"

So that's what's inside them. No wonder they can bleed for a week and not die.

The black bar was added because we're not allowed to show fish lips. This gives a whole new meaning to the term, "Goldang she got a fish tattooed on 'er vajay-jay!"

Since the invention of non-toxic subcutaneous inks humans have been permanently defacing their bodies for the purpose of beautifying themselves, displaying their individuality, or conveying a personal message to all who have the dubious honor of looking upon them. Since tattoos are nearly impossible to remove great care and foresight must be exercised in choosing the design and message, as well as the tattoo artist who will be rendering the work. A common mistake is assuming that one will be together with ones partner forever and having their portrait or name applied to one's body often resulting in spending the rest of ones life seeking partners with that particular name, or who are blind.

Other tattoo blunders seen all too often are misspellings which ensure the wearers blithering-idiot status for the rest of his/her life, or failure to provide for the possibility of finding oneself in a place in which having the words "Lick me where I shit" on ones forehead may not be appropriate, such as anywhere. In the tradition of the many morons who chose their life path at age 17 I've come up with some idiotic tattoo ideas of my own. Unfortunately decency prevents me for showing you examples of all of these ideas but the beauty of the written word is in it's allowing the reader to use his/her imagination.

10.
What: An image of an ass.
Where: on someones elbow. (or the reverse, an elbow inked on an ass)

9.
What: The words “GOODYEAR BLIMP”
Where: On an erect penis which when flaccid reads “GOD YER LIMP”

8.
What: the words “FEMALES ONLY”
Where: Written sideways on the lower abs of a homophobe. the letters are inside an arrow pointing down to his manhood. Everything is fine until he turns 30 and starts to get a beer gut which will overhang the first two letters making it read “MALES ONLY” Which he may not even realize at first, not that he can do anything about it when he does.

7.
What: the phrase, "Does this tat make my ass look fat?"
Where: On someones ass. As long as the answer is "no" the joke is funny to all, but the sporter of this tat must watch those corndogs from now on lest she wind up being the brunt of her own joke.
 

6.
What: A Picture of ones own face smiling.
Where: on the back of ones shaved head so when the wearer is too mad to be cordial they can just turn around and walk away without offending anyone.

5.
What: The Nose Pick-o-Meter. An incremented scale with tick marks indicating what one might expect to find in the nostrils at various depths. Red indicates when you've gone too far.
Where: on the index finger


4.
What: A photorealistic highly-detailed bloody gash in the belly of a pregnant woman with a fetuses hand sticking out.
When: During pregnancy after which it will look really stupid but it will have been worth it for those 3 or 4 months when she was “showing.”

3.
What:The words, “Tramp Stamp” in the usual location of a tramp stamp, just above a girls ass, a tongue-in-cheekism by itself but the full effect is had by adding on the front just above her coochie, the words, “Damp Ramp.” Other variations could include, "Vamp Cramp," "Damp Clamp," Or your choice of the many synonyms for the female genitalia.

2.
What: A milk carton such as this Momstits Farms brand.
Where: On the breast of a lactating woman such as this lovely young milkmaid who could provide sustenance for a small village with her ginormous tatas.

Black censoring dots were used to prevent this image from being sexually suggestive.

1.
What: The word: “CHEST.”
Where: On my mother.

By Numbsain...He cried when he got a henna tattoo.

Fun Facts about the Vagina

1. Nine out of ten women own and operate their own vagina yet few actually have the pink slip.

2. A vagina is actually a fruit and not a vegetable.

3. No two vaginas are exactly alike and each has its own distinctive scent code by which it can be identified in a field of up to 10,000 vaginas. After 10,000 it all starts to smell like Coney Island.

4. Every vagina contains an entire community with thousands of species of flora and fauna in a tiny ecosystem so complete that it can withstand the devastating invasion of a penis and still maintain its social order and biochemical equilibrium.

5. Queefs are the vagina’s way of communicating with others of it’s kind, though modern science has yet to decipher the complex language it uses. Many still believe they are simply pussy farts.

6. There is no such thing as a bad vagina, just misunderstood or mishandled vaginas.

7. The word vagina is derived from “vague-ina” meaning “little vague thing”, due to the lack of understanding of this complex organ that was prevalent at the time the word was first invented some 4,000 years after the vagina was first discovered.

8. The vagina of a tuna fish smells distinctly like a human being, when canned and preserved in vegetable oil.

A rare occurrence of a birth defect known as "pubic eyes"

9.  Early recorded vaginal specimens were not unlike the modern vagina except they were much hairier and more pungent.

10  A vagina can survive for nine days without it’s head before it starves to death, whereas the penis becomes really annoying and grumpy after just 24 hours without head, and claims it will die after 32 hours.

11. The menstrual cycle of the vagina, though once believed to be a discarding of the lining of the uterus and egg, has recently been found to be the result of a periodic war between various bacterium which normally coexist peacefully in the vaginal ecosystem. At the peak of this internal conflict much bloodshed occurs causing menstrual bleeding.

12. The vagina contains 319 g-spots the majority of which lie dormant while only two, the one directly behind the clitoris, and the one at the top of the cervical opening induce pleasure when stimulated. The purpose of the other 317 g-spots is believed to be to inspire sexual partners to explore the vagina in an attempt to awaken their pleasure-giving capacity.

13. Vaginal moisture is the result of the vagina walls drooling in anticipation of being penetrated by a tasty penis.

14. the average vagina is approximately one centimeter shallower than the average penis is long. The purpose of this discrepancy is to prevent the woman from continually shouting “MORE! MORE!” during sex which is really exasperating when you’re already giving her everything you’ve got.

15. if you took all the vaginas on earth and laid them next to each other you'd die of exhaustion.

By Numbsain...VAGINA!! vaginavaginavaginavag- NUMBSAIN! BACK IN YOUR CAGE! ...vagina?

Driver's Psychology Test

This accident was the result of the motorcyclist's mistaken belief in the non-existence of cars.

This fatal accident involved three extremely large women acting all crazy as extremely large women are known to do.

It has been proven that car accidents are the number one cause of highway fatalities and that 99% of those accidents are caused by the drivers of the very same vehicles crashing into each other. The other one percent are caused by women flashing their tits along the side of the road. In fact seeing tits along the side of the road is one of the few legitimate defenses in vehicular manslaughter cases.

In an effort to reduce the number of fatal accidents on the highways, Numbsain's Unwind, with it's staff of experts in the field of driver psychology, has been asked to create a test to help the Department of Motor Vehicles determine the safety of those to whom they issue licenses. Here's an exclusive sneak preview of the test. Shhhh! Don't tell the DMV.

This driver was a victim of false advertising by the pharmacy.

1. For what purpose do you usually drive your vehicle?
a. To commute to and from work, or to go shopping.
b. To feel the freedom and exhilaration of the open road.
c. To create rush hour traffic jams by deliberately blocking open lanes going really slow.
d. To break the world speed record for driving in heavy traffic.

2. In what state do you operate your vehicle?
a. California
b. Nevada
c. A state of abject terror.


3. What type of vehicle do you own?
a. A modest mid-sized sedan.
b. A monster truck that takes up two lanes and spews black smoke when idling.
c. A tricycle.

4. What is your penis/breast size?
a. Average.
b. Ginourmous—people gasp when they/it are/is revealed.
c. Dinky and pathetic.

5. What type of person usually owns the vehicle you wish you owned?
a. Upstanding hard-working people who have earned what they have.
b. Lucky sons-of-bitches with rich parents who never did an honest days work in their lives.
c. The type of person you would like to get to know.
d. The type of person you would like to kill slowly and watch them suffer.

6. What type of driver do you consider yourself to be?
a. Flirtatious
b. Passionate
c. Tolerant
d. Impatient
e. Panicky
f. Flamboyant

7. How do you generally feel when you are driving?
a. Nauseated
b. Misty
c. Entitled
d. Fanciful
e. Invincible
f. Suicidal

8. Which best describes you when you are driving?
a. King of the road.
b. Queen of the road.
c. Joker of the road.
d. Kill of the road.

9. What personal quality makes you MORE entitled to the road than other drivers?
a. Your devastating good looks.
b. Your Ph.D in veterinary psychology.
c. Your child’s Student of the Month status at Jefferson Elementary School.
d. Your ability to chew gum, and understand the needs of your fellow man, simultaneously.

10. Most people pull over immediately when a police car is behind them with the red lights flashing. Under what circumstance(s) would you choose to evade the police?
a. When the police officers appear to be jacked up on donuts.
b. When the liquor store is about to close.
c. When you're coming from the sperm bank with a car full of teenaged girls who accidentally opened the bottle filled with your sperm and spilled it in their vaginas.
d. When you're not sure if the junkie hitchhikers you picked up earlier left their needles and mostly empty bags of heroin in the back seat, or if they’re dead back there.

11. When involved in a high speed road race and you are side by side with the other driver, which of the following are they most likely to see when they look at you?
a. You leaning forward, white knuckled with a look of intense concentration.
b. You scratching your head looking down at a map with the dome light on.
c. You eating a plate of spaghetti with a glass of wine in your steering hand.
d. You holding a poodle and rocking his head side to side making kissy faces. 

12. Most people try to obey traffic laws. Under what circumstance(s) does driving become an all-out, anything goes, free-for-all?
a. Your birthday.
b. When you have to go to the bathroom.
c. When you are being descended upon by alien spacecraft
d. At 4am during the police shift change.

13. When you’ve hit a pedestrian and they are still alive, which of the following do you do?
a. Back up over them again and make sure they are dead, then leave quickly
b. Call the police and wait with the victim until the ambulance arrives.

c. Call your therapist and try to talk through your guilt feelings.

d. Get as far away as you can, and get your vehicle repainted as soon as possible.
e. Stand over them and ask them how it feels to be crushed under the wheels of a vehicle driven by the nerdy little kid you bullied in grade school, but all growed up now. Then piss all over them and drop a lit match expecting them to burst into flames.

This driver asked for directions and was told to go to hell.

14. When you drive off a 300 ft. cliff and are free-falling through mid air towards the ground below, which of the following do you do?
a. Turn your wheels in the direction of the ground and press the brakes lightly.
b. Call the police, tell them where you will impact, and wait for them to arrive.
c. Check the seatbelts of child passengers and secure any loose objects in vehicle.
d. Finish your beer and say as much of the Lords Prayer as you have time for.
e. Open all windows to let some fresh air in and put some nice music on the radio.

15. When you are driving a stolen vehicle, with no license, and warrants, and you are pulled over, which of the following describes your attitude toward the officer?
a. Polite and courteous.
b. Familiar and raucous.
c. Sarcastic and snide.
d. Coquettish and flirty.
e. Innocent and choir-boy-like.

16. When cussing out another driver, which of the following types of verbal abuse would you most likely use?
a. Smug, superior sarcasm with subtle, belittling digs, and snipes.
b. Pure unbridled vitriol and unrestrained, mouth-foaming, fist-waving rage.
c. Personal attacks to their character, social status and physical endowment.
d. Moral judgements, preachy condemnation, and manipulative guilt trips.
e. logical inquiries as to their decisions and motives in choosing you, of all people, to fuck with today, of all days.

17. When driving 80 mph in a 25 mph school zone when children are present, and you see a ball roll out into the street, what do you do?
a. honk the horn to warn children of your approach.
b. swerve to avoid the ball.
c. Slam on the brakes.
d. question your values and try to go to church more often.

18. When a beggar approaches your vehicle asking for money, which of the following are you most likely to do?

a. Roll up the windows, lock the doors and look straight ahead like a scared robot.
b. Fish around in your pockets until the light changes, shrug and say, “Sorry.”
c. Turn the radio up really loud and sing along angrily while glaring at them.
d. Hand them a quarter, and then give them the ghetto handshake acting as if you’re their “homey” and you’ve “been there, bro, so you know what it’s like." Then slowly drive off in your lamborghini.

 19. If you were involved in a fatal car accident in which their were no survivors, what would you say to the police when they arrived on the scene
?
a. It's okay officers everyone here is dead so there's no need to worry about saving anyone.
b. CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO? I'M RIGHT HERE, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE OR HEAR ME?
c. ...
d. BOOOoooooooOOOOooooo, WooooooOOOOOooo, BoooooOOOOO. Are you scared? Huh? Huh? Are ya? BOOOOOOOOooooooOOOO! Nothin' eh?

Fortunately this shot was taken with a steady-cam which completely cushioned the impact of the log and prevented the drivers head from being flattened and imbedded into the head rest.

If you wish you may enter in the results of your test into the comments box below but it really won't tell anyone anything because we were just bullshitting the DMV. We don't know a damn thing about driver psychology and we feel that car accidents are all a part of the natural selection process that keeps humans at the top of the food chain.

By Numbsain...He drives like a maniac, but a courteous maniac.

Top Ten Reasons Lady Gaga Exists

Looks, talent, charisma...she's got none of them.

10. Her mother had already had too many abortions and another one would have rendered her unable to have human-looking children.

9. The quality of singing in the world had begun to show signs of improving, threatening the status quo.

8. Her agent was hung by his ankles over her vagina.

7. To prepare the world for Nikki Minaj.

6. Ugly is the new pretty, tone deaf is the new talented, and laughable is the new admirable.

5. her producers pulled a bait and switch and caught a million stupid fish.

4. Michael Jacksons passing left a void in the confused-gender-entertainment market.

3. She won a "Chance to be a Star" contest on the back of a bag of Alpo.

2. By repeating the phonym "ga" she inadvertantly tapped into a secret power source. And because she swallows.

1. Because no other entertainer considered her a threat and therefor they allowed her to pursue her life's goal to bring bad entertainment  to the world.

LITTLE KNOWN (or cared about) LADY GAGA FACTS:

The name Gaga was derived from the name she was given in high school: "Old Lady Gag" because of her badly weathered look and her relentless pursuit of mastering the deep throat technique which she has yet to achieve, at the cost of many school lunches and her chances of ever bagging any of her male classmates.

Lady Gaga almost landed a movie deal before the whole production of "The Elephant Man's Wife" was trashed upon realizing it was a really stupid idea.

Dogs won't nuzzle her crotch finding her scent too offensive.

By Numbsain...as low as his standards are he still agrees with the dogs.

Numbsain Lets Fly On YO MAMA...AGAIN!

Look at cute little Tinkerbell. How could you have sex with such a tiny little thing? I mean she fits in the palm of your hand...oh...OH THAT'S DISGUSTING!

You may be wondering why I make so many disparaging remarks about yo mama. Especially since I don't even know yo mama.  But here's the thing. Yo mama can’t say "no" to anybody. A salesman came to your apartment and sold yo mama homeowners insurance…and then she gave him a bj too! and as if that weren't enough, she’s outside changing his oil right now. I mean lets face it, she's a pushover. She wears a pushover bra. Yo daddy doesn't even try to hide the fact that he cheats on her, he just brings girls home, gets in bed with yo mama sleepin' in it and pushes her over. She can't say no. She switches long distance providers three times a week, and as of yesterday you guys have converted to Jehovahs Witnesses. You never even heard of Jehovah much less winessed him! So that's why I have no qualms about saying:

Yo mama’s so fat when she strolls on the boardwalk she gets splinters in her ass cheeks.

Yo mama’s so fat her breasts are in different time zones.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she gets her period she puts a band-aid on it.

Yo mama’s so stupid instead of changing your dirty diapers she just turned them inside out.

Yo mama’s so fat she doesn’t need a desk.

Yo mama’s so fat that, to feed her, you fill her cleavage with food and then stand on her nipples and sweep it in with a push broom.

Yo mama’s so fat that she got in the jacuzzi and the pumps all exploded

Yo mama’s so fat when she got up from the toilet she ripped it out of the floor…we found it in the kitchen.

Yo mama’s so stupid she needed a password of 8 characters so she put “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

Yo mama’s so stupid when you saw her kissing Santa Claus she paid you not to tell your daddy.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the recipe said check it with a meat thermometer she asked “where’s the asshole on a meatloaf?”

Yo mama’s so stupid she caught your daddy jacking off and accused him of cheatin’ on her with Tinkerbell.

Yo mama’s so stupid she called you to ask you for your phone number.

Yo mama’s so stupid she agreed to screw her boss everyday if he would stop sexually harrassing her.

Yo mama’s so stupid she bought a book called “how to read”…for dummies.

Yo mama’s so stupid she buys edible panties and eats them out of the box.

Yo mama’s so stupid she wouldn’t take an escalator because she thought it was a waste of stairs.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ran out of gas so she pushed the car to the gas station, parked it and walked home.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had a flat tire, and when the highway patrol stopped he found her down on her knees with her lips on the valve huffing and puffing…So he told her she had the wrong valve...And remember i told you she can't say no? Uh-huh, say no more.

Yo mama’s so fat your daddy thinks he’s havin’ a threesome.

Yo mama’s so stupid she put you on a leash when you were little…That’s not so bad? But when you said you had to go potty she stopped at a fire hydrant, turned around and looked the other way.

Yo mama’s so stupid she let you drink when you were 14 cause you showed her a fake ID.

Yo mama’s so stupid her idea of recycling was to make you do your paper route twice.

Yo mama’s so stupid the GOP is supporting her presidential campaign.

Yo mama’s so stupid she says, “excuse me.” when the dog farts.

Yo mama’s so stupid she has a drawer full of cash rebates that she’s saving up.


That's pretty stupid cause those things have a very limited time in which they can be redeemed. So essentially what I'm saying is: yo mama is not a smart women; not someone you would want to have pack your parachute. Speakin' of parachutes, she shouldn't have to wear one for a dress either. I'm just gonna say it, yo mama is ginormous. Just get her to cut back on the twinkies, like maybe, get her down to twelve boxes a day. That should be enough for the whole state of Iowa. So somebody the size of South Dakota should be okay with it too. But other than all that I think yo mama is perfectly fine.


by numbsain...a little constructive criticism never hurt anyone.

Reverend Thal Mazlo's 13 Extra Commandments

Welcome Friends! Reverend Thal Mazlo here spreading the word of God to you sinners, WHY? Because GOD spoke to me, PRAISE JESUS! And He said unto me, "Thalminiah Beavermount Mazlo, I want you to deliver a message for me." And I said unto the Lord, "But your effervescence, I'm just a lowly bitch farmer from Poopchute Arkansas. Why me?" And the Lord's eyes filled with fury and He sayeth unto me, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO AS I SAY OR YOU'LL BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY! And from that moment on my mission was clear and my ears have been ringing.

Now you all know the Ten Commandments that Moses brought unto us, PRAISE THE LORD! HALLELUJAH! But you may not know of the Thirteen Extra Commandments that I'm going to bestow unto you exclusively, here, today. PRAISETHELORDDAMMIT! So without further ado, here they are:

11. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife's breasts.

12. Thou shalt not stareth at thy neighbor's wife through the bedroom window.

13. Thou shalt not watch thy neighbor's wife sunbathing in the backyard.

14. Thou shalt not sprayeth thy neighbor's wife with the garden hose.

15. Thou shalt not offer to dryeth thy neighbor's wife's clothes while she waiteth on thy lanai wearing nothing but a very small towel.

16. Thou shalt not asketh thy neighbor's wife to hold something with both hands so her towel falleth off.

17. Thou shalt not gropeth thy neighbor's wife's buttocks when she bendeth over.

18. Thou shalt not grindeth thy loins unto thy neighbor's wife's buttocks.

19.Thou shalt not pusheth thy neighbor's wife's head down unto thy loins.

20.Thou shalt not shoveth thy manhood unto thy neighbor's wife's mouth.

21.Thou shalt not anoint thy neighbor's wife's face with thy seed, and then photograph her all anointed.

22.Thou shalt not useth thy photos to blackmail thy neighbor's wife to cometh unto thee later that evening.

23. Thou shalt not greeteth thy neighbor's wife in a pair of silk bikini underwear when she cometh that evening.

24. Thou shalt not bendeth thy neighbors wife over thy discipline rack (which thou shalt not own), and tieth her nakedness up, anointeth her backside with holy jelly and then proceedeth to sodomize the dickens out of her while she squealeth and trembleth and beggeth thou to stop. But thou shalt not stop because this Jezebel deserveth to be punished for her slutty, sinful behavior and for tempting the good reverend— ...uh, I mean 'thou' with her firm young loins and perky nipples poking through her tiny tank-top driving thou crazy with desire and lust and sinful thoughts of fornication and spanking and whipping and penetrating every orifice on that evil temptress with a body the likes of which the good Reverend Thal Maz— ...I mean 'thou' hast never seen in all thy days as a minister of the church of God!...(uh, if thou wust such)

Now Available on DVD, only $14.95 plus tax
Reverend Thal Mazlo's "Thy Neighbors Wife"
(The Jezebel getteth what she deserveth)

By Numbsain...He's praying there is no Hell.

Numbsain's New Years Resolutions

These two people have nothing to do with this post, just ignore them.

I hate making new years resolutions because I...well, it's just so...actually I can't remember why I hate them! I guess that means I don't hate them anymore. So here they are:

 NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!

1. to stop making vague, non-specific generalizations when it comes to, y’know, stuff in general and instead actually say, like, whatever.

2 to stop soft peddling what few things some people say I do that might be considered slightly less than ideal…on those rare occasions when it looks like I might be doing that.

3. to utterly eradicate any modicum of my inherent proclivity to infuse my locutions and soliloquies with extraneous pedantic linguistic verbosity.

4. To stop being judgmental of those who clearly are not worth considering as human beings.

5. to cease and desist using cheap, dime-a-dozen, off-the-shelf clichés at the drop-of-a-hat like they’re going out of style.

6. to give credit to all the little insignificant people, whose names I can’t remember at the moment, but who have helped me.

7. To not pass gas when driving in a car full of people and the next gas station is a long distance away.

8. to stop, once and for all, from this moment forth, putting unrealistic expectations on myself and never again, as long as I live put one single unrealistic expectation on myself, period.

9. to show all living things total respect and kindness, including animals, bugs, plants, eyelash mites, bacteria, mold spores, and even LA drivers.

10. to stop being a know-it-all and telling people exactly what their problem is even though I can see it clearly and have no doubts that if these morons would only listen to me their lives would be so much better.

 NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!

Oh yeah, now I remember why I hate them. Because, as a child, I was raised by a cruel, sadistic new years resolution who beat me and kept me locked in a closet for weeks with no food or water...actually the no food or water was my idea. Well there was no toilet in the closet so...

By Numbsain...He's all talk, therefore he makes a sound.

Numbsain's New Years Resolutions was brought to you by:

Happy's Donut Repair Services...We fix everything but the hole!

Ugly's Transplant-N-Go...Any organ, free installation

Spot's People Grooming Salon...Who knows better than man's best friend?

Just Octopus, Molluskery...Try our octopus lunch special.

Oodles of Pasta...We're idiots!

R-co...Bull fiddle bows for the bass player who never walks the line.

AAA—Awesome Acronyms Again Quiz

This quiz is a little trickier than the last one because if you're an overprotected Caucasian nerd you might not know what an OG is, whereas if you're an inner city hood rat you might get stumped on OCD. But it's not a BFD because it's not going to get you any credits nor will this POS improve your SAT scores. Note: I have thrown in a trick question, and a few really stupid joke questions too. So let's get started shall we?

TTYL stands for:
a. That Thing You Licked
b. Tickle Till You Leak
c. Talk To You Later
d. Take That You Liar

CEO stands for:
a. Case of Extreme Overpayment
b. Criminal Extortion Official
c. Chief Executive Officer
d. Check Every Orifice

ADD stands for:
a. Attention Deficit Disorder
d…I mean…c? no b. …um…what was it again?
Oh yeah, ADD! is uh, …oh wait…
HEY LOOK! IT’S THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!

RSVP stands for:
a. Répondez S’il Vous Plaît,
b. Reply Sounding Vaguely Polite
c. Reach Some Verdict Please
d. Really Slow Vaginal Penetration

ACDC stands for:
a. Amalgamated Consolidations Development Corp. 
b. Alternating Current Direct Current
c. Angel’s Current Devil’s Current
d. Assorted Cold Dead Corpses

CNN stands for:
a. Chuck Norris Nude
b. Certainly Not News
c. Corporate Neo-Nazis
d. Cable News Network

HBO stands for:
a. Horrific Body Odor
b. Home Box Office
c. Honest But Offensive
d. Honey Bunches of Ofal

TMJ stands for:
a. Too Much Jabber
b. Tin Man Jaw
c. Tempora Mandibular Joint
d. Touch My Junk

IUD stands for:
a. Infant Ugliness Determiner
b. Intra-Uterine Device
c. Interceptor of Unwanted Dick
d. It’s Up Dere

SST stands for:
a. Super Sonic Transport
b. Speed Sounds Terrible
c. Sub Standard Travel
d. Short Sweet Trip

BLT stands for:
a. Big Like Tree
b. BI-Lateral Thinking
c. Banana, Licorice, and Tuna
d. Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato

LCD stands for:
a. Little Colored Dots
b. Last Call for Drinks.
c. Letter Changing Dealy
d. Liquid Crystal Display

LDS stands for:
a. Little Dick Syndrome
b. Lap Dog Surprise
c. Lick Don’t Suck
d. Latter Day Saints

MIME stands for:
a. Moron In Make-up Emoting
b. Meat In My Ears
c. Marceau Is My Enemy
d. Multipurpose Internet Mail Extension

FAQ stands for:
a. Frequently Asked Questions
b. Famous Animal Quotes
c. Fears And Queers
d. Find Answers Quick

MRI stands for:
a. Magnetic Resonance Imaging
b. Magically Recorded Innards
c. My Rectum Itches
d. Must Read Instructions

DMV stands for:
a. Dismal Mind-numbing Vacuum
b. Darn My Vagina
c. Department of Motor Vehicles
d. DIspense More Vaseline

ER stands for:
a. Extremity Repairs
b. Erotic Recipes
c. Emergency Room
d. Eeek! Run!

TMI stands for:
a. This Might Itch
b. Try My Inflatable
c. Too Much Information
d. Three Meesly Inches


AWOL stands for:
a. Any Where On Land
b. Away With Out Leave
c. Angry Wife’s Other Lover
d. Any Women On Line

OG stands for:
a. Original Gangster
b. Old Geezer
c. Organ Gripper
d. Orifice Guests

DOA stands for:
a. Drugs Or Alcohol
b. Died of Old Age
c. Don’t Operate Afterall
d. Dead On Arrival

GPS stands for
a. Girl in Passenger Seat
b. Global Positioning System
c. Go Pester Someone
d. Get Places Somehow

OCD stands for
a. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
a. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
a. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
a. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

MSM stands for:
a. MY SEA MONKEYS!!!!
b. Motion Sickness Museum
c. Mechanically Sodomized Meat.
d. Main Stream Media

REM stands for
a. Rolling Eyes Motion
b. Red Eye Moment
c. Raunchy Elephant Movement
d. Rapid Eye Movement

KFC stands for:
a. Klingon Funky Chicken
b. Kung Fu Chicken
c. Kentucky Fried Children
d. Knees Free Chicken

MPG stands for
a. Miles Played Good
b. Miles Per Gallon
c. Midnight Plane to Georgia
d. Muscles Per Grunt

Now I know what you're gonna say: "Did I pass?" Well in order to answer your question first tell me do you mean: pass gas, pass on your turn, pass out, or pass away? And my answer is I don't know, I doubt it, apparently not and definitely not.
NUMBSAIN stands for:
a. Nothing, Utter Mindless Bull Shit As In Nuts.
b. Nobody Understands Me But Sucking Ass Is Nice
c. Urination
d. Not Using My Brain Somehow Attains Inner Nirvana