Gravy: Don’t ya mean diagnostic?
J: Huh? No Gravy, weez showin ‘em hadda NOT die, don’t matter if they’re agnostic. So let’s see who needs a check-up?
Gr: Shut the heck up!
J: Here drink this water.
G: Water you giving me water fer?
J: Fer yer heck-ups.
G: I ain’t got the heck-ups. I told you to shut the heck up about a check-up cause we ain't doin' no check-ups! This is the E.R.! Don’tch know what E.R. stands fer?
J: Nope.
G: An’ you call yerself a doctor?
J: Why would I call one? I am one. Besides I ain’t sickin’.
G: That’s a matter of opinion.
J: Did I ask for a sickin’ opinion?
G: I was tryin’ to tell ya what E.R. stands fer.
J: Ooh! lemme guess…um, um...
G: BAAAAAMP! Time’s up, but thanks fer playin’ “YOU LOSE!” I better test yer knowledge doctor. What wouldja do iffin a patient came in with acute angina?
J: Hyuk-hyuk, I’d have professional preserves and wouldn't even look. I’d send her to the anginacologist.
G: What if they had a compound fracture stickin’ out?
J: I’d stay calm, pound the fracture back in.
G: And what wouldja do if a burst appendix come in?
J: Same as I did when we had that flurry o’ pencil dicks.
G: What if a patient came in here and started chokin’?
J: I’d remove his hands from my throat.
G: What if they need a transfusion?
J: Who kin dance to trance fusion?
G: And if they had eurythmia?
J: Sense o’ eurythmia helps.
G: Or concussion?
J: If ya play concussion ya gotta have a sense o’ eurythmia.
G: How do you treat a black widda’ spider bite?
J: Same as anybody, no facial discrimination here!
G: How would ya handle it if some cityslicker came in with syphilis?
J: My sister?! Well if he's BLIND there ain't much I can do.
G: What iffin the patient's in a vegetative state?
J: Dice 'im up and sautee him in butter.
G: Cardiac Arrest?
J: Thanks Grav’ I could use a rest.
G: You got malpractice written all over ya.
J: I practice on females too. Speakin’ o’ witch, (thengyoo nurse jes’ wheel that gurney right awn in here. Here ya go, that’s fer you) Time to play doctor, doctor we got a live one!
G: She ain’t look alive to me.
J: Lemme try sump’m. Ahem, LOOK ALIVE!…she ain’t responded to my treatment Grav’ and look at her lips, they’re bluish in color. She don’t have no pulsations neither. I’d say this patient is Day-ed!
G: DAY-ED?! Blad-Casket Jiblitz! We gotta administer C3PO!
J: Shouldn’t we try to resusperate ‘er before we brang in the robot minister?
G: That’s what I’m sayin’! give her 50 CDs o’ effin' asprin IV and dee-fib-u-late!
J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]
G: ONE! Missississis-sippi-cup, TWO! Miss-assassin-issy-sissy-prissy-missy,
THREE! Miss-a-zipper-whippy-flippy-hippy…
J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]
G: ONE! Mister-whipple-sister-sicky-picky …uh…where wuz I?
J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]
G: ONE! Missy-pissy-sissy-wissy…
J: Grav’…
G: …issy-sississ-issis…siss...
J: Grav’…GRAVY! It ain’t no use she’s passed, gone, flatlined, dee-ceased, finito, worm food, late, a corpse, one fer the obits, casket filler, she’s joined the choir unseeable, a cadaver…
G: No ya cain’t have ‘er you necco-wafer-feel-a-yak! She goes to the coroner!
J: It wun’t her fault she’s day-ed, why she gotta stand in the corner?
G: The coroner’s orifice you quack-in-the-crack. Let’s jes’ move on to the next victim, er patient.
J: Ain’t got no more patience.
G: I’m a-hurryin’! You got a sprain to cast?
J: No, Gravy, we done been off the air fer ten minutes.
G: We’re breathin’ straight nitrous? No wonder I feel funny.
J: You smell funny too. Whenza last time ya washed yer scrubs?
G: Whenza last time you scrubbed yer hygienes, ya musky hillbilly?
J: My jeans are high? At least I ain’t sportin’ butt crack, ya un-wed, pre-med, gin-fed in-bred intern.
G: Who you callin’ intern? Ya volunteer proctologist…
J. Zat the best you kin do?
G: Guess that’s our chauffeur today. See yizz next time when we demon-straight our on-turpentine-urial skills, puttin’ the “jack” back in “jackoff-all-trades” and show ya how ta cat-burgularize yer neighborhood!
J: Whoo-whee! Kin we nab that tabby over at the Calhoon’s? He’s so cuddly-wuddly wit ‘is fluffy-wuffy wittle whiskers, an’ his…
G: Jiblitz wuz you born stoopit or didja git dropped when yer sister gave birth to ya?
J: Cain’t remember!
J & G: TAKE TOO MANY AN’ CALL US IN THE MORNIN’!
Jiblits & Gravy wuz brang to ya by:
Minty-Fresh ButtSavers®…The suppository you can fart through!
Anvil®...the heavy pain reliever!
Condomints®...the perfect after dinner HINT!
by numbsain…inbred without guilt.
