Friday, September 23, 2011

BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS

Einstein demonstrating
his theory of slurpativity.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein, theoretical physicist, guy with funny hair. But few are aware of his early years with the circus. Yes one of the greatest geniuses of our time once took a summer job under the big top as Neutrino the Clown amusing and entertaining audiences with his theory of smellativity. His career in comedy came to an abrupt end when he accidentally vaporized an audience with a tiny nuclear device he wore on his lapel and flung into the air just before diving into a lead lined barrel to safety.




Shut your stupid disgusting
twinkie-hole you hideously
ugly lard ass behemoth.
We're all aware of the exploits of K*rl R*ve, former senior advisor and cheif of staff to ex-president Ge*rge B*sh and consummate asshole, but not many people know that as a teen K*rl worked as a chicken sexer for Zacky Farms. It was a short lived career as K*rl quit when he learned that the job had nothing to do with having sex with chickens. Throughout his life Mr. *urp* (excuse me) ka-BAAAAARRFF! that guy has attempted to have sex with all the farm animals all of whom expressed a violent dislike for him and refused even when offered large sums of money. K*rl prefers chickens over all other unwilling partners because only the chicken's vagina is small enough to accommodate his... *gag* y'know that thing.


Miss Spears after being told she
could not sit by the window and
would have to take the aisle seat.
What celebrity exposé would be complete without mention of America's favorite sex pig Britney Spears, teen idol, exhibitionist and professional tabloid fodder. But few people know or care about Britney's very first attempt at being a useful and productive member of the work force. That's because she never was a useful and productive member of anything. In fact no company, organization, or person could stand her and so she was advised by her school counselor to become a pop singer certain she would fail and end up overdosing on something. Go figure.


Timberlake thinking himself
dapper in that ridiculous outfit.
One of the fastest rising young stars in the music business, and it's inevitable offshoot, the film industry, is Justin Timberlake, recording artist, actor (in the very broad sense of the word) and liberator of Janet Jackson's breasts at the Super-bowl. Not surprisingly his early vocational experience had little to do with music or acting. Macaroni was Timberlake's field of expertise and not just manufacturing or eating the stuff, no, this ambitious young upstart was Head Macaroni Sorter at one of the finest Italian cuisine plants in the US, Chef Boy-ar-dee. Timberlake was responsible for making sure the freshly extruded semolina/dishwater mixture stayed separated from the rat turds and was responsible for stringent quality control of Spaghetti-Os and other products worn on the faces and scalps of two-year-old gourmands across the country.


by numbsain, who wrote a blog before he was famous






Saturday, September 10, 2011

Girls Gone Ferel!

Who doesn't love seeing REAL COLLEGE COEDS and teenaged Girl-Next Door types showing their Pookies and Hoo-Hoos RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!!!!! Nobody! And you'll never guess what's inside their teeny tiny wet see-through shirts!...YES!! THAT'S RIGHT!!! How did you know??? You must have seen the Girls Gone Wild videos! but GUESS WHAT?

They just got EVEN WILDER! In fact they've gone FERAL! That's Right! Jane Goodall move over, and take your stupid monkeys with you! We've captured (and video taped) the girls that have been going wild for so long they lost their way and FORGOT THEY WERE ONCE CIVILIZED!  Yes they've reverted back to the natural state of early humans, LIKE WILD ANIMALS! You won't want to miss these dirty, filthy, hairy, rodent infested girls running wild through the forest with with NO CLOTHES ON! Eating twigs and insects off the ground. But that's not even the best part!  Having adapted to wild life they have a heightened sense of smell! And a raunchy smell too!!! In fact THEY STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN!!! They don't bathe and they don't use feminine hygiene products! They're like a hairy naked version of Britney Spears!

OH EM GEE, THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!!

Yes these girls are actually ferel! Just like Paris Hilton! They go potty right on the ground and don't even wipe! They're mangy and full of lice and fleas and ticks! Living like monkeys eating and screwing anything that moves!

HAVE THEY NO SHAME?!?!

And we've caught them on video doing all the private things you'll never see girls do anywhere else. Why? Because it's disgusting! Real video tape of Live ferel girls eating roadkill right off the street, WITH THEIR FINGERS! Desperate high-school drop-outs scratching each others faces off over a McDonalds bag with some ketchup in it! AND WAIT'LL YOU SEE WHAT THEY'LL DO FOR A CHICKEN McNUGGET!!! YECHHH!

THEY'RE LITERALLY STARVING!

Watch them waste away and die on camera! They're out there fighting for survival in the wilderness! Having sex with LEPRECHAUNS for breakfast cereal! Our crews are sworn not to upset nature's delcate balance and interfere with the process of natural selection just so we can bring you this never before seen footage! They pick their noses! They take a dump in the woods, Sleep in compost piles for warmth! Some of them even have menstrual blood running down their legs!

EW GROSS!

But that's not all! On video 1. watch what happens when these crazy desperate girls find a trailer park. YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT THOSE CRAZY REDNECKS DO TO THESE GIRLS!!!
But wait! You'll also get video 2. Check out the mayhem when three of these girls take on a mountain lion! GIRL PARTS FLYING EVERYWHERE!!! ONLY ONE OF THEM GETS AWAY! But dies a few minutes later from loss of blood!

RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!!!

But there's MORE!!!! On video 3. we reunite one of thesecrazy girls with her boyfriend and what does she do?
SHE CANNIBALIZES HIM!!!!

And we've captured it all on three amazing videos you won't want to watch!
BUT YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS EITHER!

ORDER YOUR GIRLS GONE FERAL 3 VIDEO COLLECTION TODAY!
and if you order in the next 13 seconds we'll throw in the newest video:

GIRLS GONE RANCID!
Real College Coed Cadavers decomposing right before your very nose!


Thursday, September 1, 2011

NUMBSAIN'S EYEWITLESS NEWS FLINCH


FIRE FIGHTERS FLED IN-FLIGHT FIRE FIGHT, FIRED
—editorial by Dr Numbsain

Two fire fighters caught in an in-flight fire fight
on flight five bound for Fiji were fired last night.
The two fled the bloodshed to fight fire instead
which flared up in mid air at five thirty, they said.

"It's really not fair that they fired the pair,"
said Ms. Bear, Flight Commissioner Cheif of O'Hare.
"To fight fire, not fire fight was the fire fighters right,
since they paid their air fare and were there fair and square."

Blair McLair and Clyde Kildare were quite unaware
that a fire fight would have flared up way up there.
And because they were scared, they were quite unprepared.
And they felt that their skills were more needed elsewhere.

The two knew they were doomed if the fire consumed
the flight crew, so they did the right thing, they assumed.
The fire fighters did what they knew they had to do.
I'd have done the same thing had I been in their shoe.

The man who began the fire fight had a plan
which had something to do with smuggling contraband:
First to skyjack the plane and then fly back to spain
bringing back a napsack jam packed with crack cocaine.

To fire fight with him they should not have been required.
That's why these two fire fighters should not have been fired.

************************************
THE EYEWITLESS NEWS TOP STORIES
************************************
DOUBLE HIT AND RUN
Two drivers simultaneously hit each other and ran.
Police investigating the case were quoted as saying:
"That's fine."

SUICIDE VICTIM CONFESSES TO CRIME, DIES

Police apprehended a man suspected of suicide. After a lengthy interrogation the suspect/victim finally confessed to the crime and then died. Police Chief Billy Klubb said, "We can't have people living in denial."

MINOR MISCONDUCT FOUND IN MAJOR INVESTIGATION
An investigation revealed that an army Major committed acts of misconduct with a minor. Investigators said it was nothing that major (wouldn't have done to any minor)

POLICE QUESTION MAN KILLED BY SUSPECT
A "question man" for the police was killed after asking a suspect too many questions. "This is the third question man we've lost this month which raises some serious questions that no one is willing to ask." But the question man's questionable questioning tactics are unquestionably brought into question. Reporters had no further questions.

HIT AND RUN VICTIM ADMITS TO HIT AND RUN
A hit and run victim who came forth as the prime suspect in the case
pled guilty to committing the hit and run himself. "It suddenly hit me that I had to stop running".

WEATHER FORECAST
Partly mostly with a chance of maybe clearing throughout. Possible chance of a fairly good likelihood conditions may continue indefinitely depending on variables.
No signs of any indications at present but meteorologists are still expecting to stay on alert for the unlikely eventuality that there may be no cause for concern.

SPORTS
Men in brightly colored costumes banged into each other and some fell down. Someone probably won, certainly everyone involved was paid way too much money. Injuries may have occured at some point to someone but that's to be expected when there's this much money involved.

HONEST ASTROLOGY

Mercury went retrograde so don't try to do anything at all.
The moon went void of course, it always does.
Mars saw venus rising in Uranus and that wasn't pretty.
Anyone who is a Libra can kiss their sorry ass goodbye.
It's not looking too good for Gemini and Pisces either, lot of suffering and hardship there.
Tauruses can relax for a minute but all the other signs are pretty much screwed.

This Eyewitless News Flinch has been presented by Numbsain.
Sponsored by Numbsain Inc. "Smart people doing dumb things to make dumb people feel smart!"
and by Atchoo Inc. "Atchoo... Bless you!"
and by GEZUNTIGHT LTD. "The Tightest Gezuns are made by Gezuntight"
and by Oops I Farted! "What's that smell?—Oops I Farted!"
and by the Law Offices of Chewen, Chewen, Chewen & Gulp "Aaah-torneys at Law"