Friday, October 28, 2011

Yo momma jokes...so stupid even yo momma wouldn't tell them

Now I know a lot of people been talkin' 'bout yo momma 'cause you look mad as a shaved grizzly bear. So next time some fool has the nerve endings to get all up in your nostrils about some scram that don't have nothin' to do with nobody's momma, but they see fit to bring your dear sweet beloved momma, of all people, into it anyway, which of course gives you a cart full o' blanched almonds to put a fresh creamery grade A, pasteurized, homogenized vitamin D hurtin' on their sorry tushy cakes, then you just whip out a handful o' these hush-little-puppies-don't-say-a-word and momma's gonna buy you a lot more than a mockinbird! In fact...

Yo momma’s so ugly Freddy Kruger had nightmares about her.


Yo momma’s so fat she went to a plus-sizes clothing store and they sent her to the times-sizes clothing store.


Yo momma’s so fat when they brought the dessert tray she said, “I’ll have that.”


Yo momma’s so stupid that on your first day of kindergarden she asked you to bring her back some fresh vegetables.


Yo mommas’s so stupid she stayed at a stop sign for three hours waiting for it to turn green.


Yo momma’s so ugly she ran into Jack the Ripper late one night and he drove her home…and then never called.

Yo Momma’s so old that when you watched the Flintstones she would go off about how when Wilma got preggers with pebbles she blew up like a pigasaurus and that was when Fred started coming around yo momma’s cave.

Yo momma’s so stupid she had a yard sale with all the food in her refrigerator that reached the sell-by date.

Yo momma’s so stupid we found her staring at a can of frozen orange juice. We asked her why and she said, “Shhh! Look it say’s right here: ‘made from concentrate,’ now don’t distract me.“

Yo momma’s so stupid she tried to make Jello by leaving Kool-Aid out in the sun to dry.

Yo momma’s so fat that she had been seeing somebody on the side throughout her entire marriage and your daddy never noticed him there.

Yo momma’s so fat she can do cartwheels with her arms folded

Yo momma’s so fat that when she takes a shower she walks forward till the light turns red, then when the light turns green she walks out slowly.

Yo momma’s so OCD that when she met your daddy she picked a daisy and said, “He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me…

Yo momma’s so OCD that when she has to pick something she says, “eeny, eeny, eeny, eeny, eeny…

Yo momma’s so stupid that when you called her from Los Angeles she told all her friends “My boy found Lost Angeles!”

Yo momma’s so clueless as to the ways of child rearing that when you were born she went to the store for some Purina Baby Chow.

Yo momma’s so stupid when you were born she swore there was another one in there because somebody knocked your teeth out.

Yo momma’s so unsophisticated, like a dumb animal, that you feed her Purina Momma Chow.

Yo momma’s so stupid when you were a kid she yelled at you for chewing with your mouth full.

Yo momma’s so stupid she used a pre-moist towelette to wipe off her spare ribs so the sauce didn’t get all over her fingers.

Yo momma’s so messed up in the head when she tried out for the Olympics they tested her for strength, endurance, and speed. She passed them all except for speed, they found some in her system.

Yo momma’s so stupid she heard a crazy man talking to himself on the bus and she thought she had ESP.

Yo momma’s so unclear on the concept that she went to an twelve step meeting cause she couldn’t eat just one potato chip


Yo momma’s so fat that she admitted she was seeing someone on the side but we pointed out that it was just her ass.

Yo momma’s so stupid we saw her staring at a bowl of soup going, “htsubnle sqnemrhuz bdipklanhg,” so we asked her what she was doing and she said it was alphabet soup and she was learning to read.


Yo momma’s so fat that the gynocologist looked at her and said, “Damn that’s a huge vagina! Damn that’s a huge vagina! Damn that’s a huge vagina!” She said, Why’d you have to say it three times?” he said, “I didn’t.”

Yo momma’s so stupid when the bartender asked if she wanted her drink 'over' she said no, she hadn’t even had any of it yet.


Yo momma takes everything so literally that when someone asked her, “What’s up?” she said, “The opposite of down, stupid!”


 Yo momma’s such a bad waitress when a customer asked her how the lamb was prepared she said they just told him  everything was gonna be all right and then whacked him.


Yo momma’s so fat that when she went swimming in the ocean a group of conservationists watched her and said she was so beautiful.



Yo momma’s such a bad waitress when a customer asked if the burgers were rare she said, “No we sell a lot of them.”



Yo momma’s so stupid that when she tried to do the hokey pokey she put her left foot in and shook her right foot all about, then she turned her left foot around and put her back out and finally we just had to tell her, “Momma! That ain’t what it’s all about!”



Yo momma’s so fat that you need a GPS to get on her good side.


Yo momma’s so fat that when your daddy said, “back that ass up!” she went, beep…beep…beep…


Yo momma’s so fat and mean that when she throws a pot luck you’ll be lucky if you don’t get thrown in the pot.


Yo Momma’s so sensitive about being the size of 3 hos that she thought the Jolly Green Giant was making fun of her.


Yo momma’s so fat that when you were born they found your daddy in there too.


Yo momma’s so fat she ordered baked alaska and complained it looked bigger on the map.


Yo momma’s such a skanky ho her pimp had a clearance sale: “This ho must go!”


Yo momma’s so mean she took you to the blood bank and said “take it all!”


Yo Momma’s so fat she had Kentucky’s fried chicken for dinner. And tomorrow night she’ll have Tennessee’s fried chicken.


Yo momma’s so fat we suggested the Dick Gregory diet but she said there wasn’t enough meat on him to satisfy her.


Yo momma’s so uncoordinated that when she did the hokey pokey she put her left foot in and fell over.


Yo momma’s such an unfit mother she gave you Jello in your baby bottle.


Yo momma’s so stupid she drinks her martini in a sippy cup.


Yo momma’s so stupid when you told her to make a U-turn she asked, “your U or my U?”


Yo momma’s so mean she dressed you up as a KKK and took you to Watts for trick or treat.


And if that fool is still comin at you, talkin' all kinda smack actin' like he's got some kinda verbal abuse to lay on you, and he still wants to cast aspersions on the woman that saw fit to bring you kickin' and screamin' like some kinda newborn fool, into this world, then you're just gonna have to pull out all the stops and escalate matters to the point where you say...

Yo Momma’s so viciously cruel, on halloween she dressed you up as a crack ho and made you turn tricks for treats.

And then all I can say is you better run like hell cause if anybody said that about my momma? To my face? In my town? Fer reals?... Uh-uh...Oh no...I'm sorry...That's it...Naw-naw...you shoulda never gone there...No, no, no...See we gonna settle this up right now, Come on monkey-humper! Bring it on Mr. talkin' mouth! Show me what you got ya big fat pucker-funker-sucker-humper! Ain't nobody gonna talk about my momma like that! @#%&!*@% (Ow!) #@$%! (Hey, leggo my shirt) #$!@#&*$%# (OW!) #$#& (I SAID OW!) $%#&@ (Why you...) #$%@%&!

By numbsain...don't even go there.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Numbsain's Horrorscope

Ass-trologer, Psychotic, Palm-Reader/Shaver, Misfortune Teller, Channeler of Spirits (mostly vodka),  and Flying Sorcerer, Numbsain offers his interpretation of the planetary positioning to guide you through your life.

CAPRICORN—You have a certain animal magnetism which is why you have fleas and a tendency to stick to the refrigerator. You will get the runs later in the week at a most inopportune moment soiling a relationship, and your undershorts.

AQUARIUS—Great things are in store for you right now but you can’t afford them. Don’t attempt to shoplift either, you’re way too conspicuous with that “I’m not doing anything wrong” look on your face.

PISCES—Beware of peril lurking in the shadows. Watch your back at all times. Don’t trust anyone. Not that you’re in any particular danger, I just thought it would be really funny to make you get all paranoid.

ARIES—Your instincts are not particularly reliable this week and since experience and wisdom are obviously not an option for you, I suggest you don’t cross the street or try to use scissors. Decision making should be limited to "no."

TAURUS—People matter the most right now. So since your barely human don’t expect much attention. Legal matters complicate your lifestyle and take up much of your time. Like thirty to life.

GEMINI—The wheels have already been set in motion to cause the events that decide your fate. There’s really nothing you can do about anything now. You should have thought of this last week. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?

CANCER—Being stupid is not the end of the world. Being ugly is nobodies fault. Being insensitive to others is forgivable. But all three? And so much? Come on, what are you thinking?

LEO—You’re a mover and a shaker this week, Leo! You really have it going on, and it shows! Just look at you! You’re on top of the world! In the zone! Go, go, go!
...Oooh! Jeezus, you still have to watch out for speeding buses, you idiot.

VIRGO—You have a big impact on your family this weekend when you crash your caterpillar through the dining room wall right in the middle of dinner. They would have waited for you but they didn’t want to listen to all your sniveling and complaining.

LIBRA—You've been making good decisions resulting in a very prosperous time ahead. Wait, sorry that was the fortune I got from the psychic cat yesterday. It's so cute when he hands you the little piece of paper! How does he choose the right one? ...What am I asking you for?

SCORPIO—Believe it or not, things look pretty good for you right now according to the stars. Yeah you’re in good shape...oops! I had the chart upside down! Silly me! Let’s see...actually, you’re screwed. Disaster awaits you, Sorry.

SAGITTARIUS—The stars say you're in for some romance but take it slow and don’t rush into things. The stars are notorious for lying and mercury in retrograde means STDs. But that’s to be expected when you get romantic with a chimpanzee.

Note: These astrology readings are good through November 22nd at all participating galaxies. You must be over 18 and a citizen of the Milky Way. Offer void (of course) where prohibited.

By Numbsain...His rising sign makes a tent in his pants.

Brought to you by...
Dr. Numbsain's Extra Virgin Snake Oil...Cures everything but stupidity.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Fundamental Laws that Govern Yo Ass




The Law of Stupid Laws
If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it won’t. So you’re still stuck with Murphy’s Law.

The 1st Law of Exxon
What goes up must come down, except gas prices.

The Law of Visa
for every action there is an equal and opposite charge on your account.

The 1st Law of Indigestion

What goes around gives you diarrhea.

The Law of Resentment
No good deed goes un-guilt-tripped.

The Law of Kleptomania
Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest tend to be stolen.

The 2nd Law of Futility
When an irrepressible force meets an irresistible object, somebody ends up crying.

The 3rd Law of Desert Physics
The relationship between an object's mass (m), its acceleration (a), and the applied force (F) is only legal in the state of Nevada.

The 2nd Law of Thermo-Finance
Energy can be changed from one form to another, but it will take up to 3 to 5 business days.
The Law of Inbreeding
Nothing can be the cause of its own existence, except in Tenessee where a man can be his own father.

The Law of Junk Food
E=McNuggets.

The Law of Shopping
You can’t get something for nothing, but at Ross’s weekend blowout sale, you can get name brands for next to nothing, this weekend only…at Ross!

The Law of Averages
50% of the people in the world are below average in intelligence.

The Law of Heresay
I think therefor I am not dead.

The Law of Masculinity (or lack thereof)
Size doesn’t matter, unless you’re talking about a guy with a really small penis because that poor bastard will never satisfy a women.

by Prof. Numbsain PhD, LsD, Xtc, pCp, NO2, THc

Monday, October 17, 2011

Bachelor with Benefits

I’m a single guy in my mid to early-late mids or so, around there, and I’ve been happy as an illegible bachelor for the past, oh, it’s gotta be at least going on, pretty close to somewhere around there, give or take. So I’ve kinda developed a relationship with myself and it seems I’m compatible. With my work schedule I’m not around enough to get on my nerves plus I’m really laid back, never been one to cause drama, not that I would react to it even if I did. No, I let that kind of stuff slide off and don’t take it personally.

It’s not like there’s a whole lot of romance in the relationship. I mean I think I’m reasonably attractive and I have to admit there’s some sexual tension there. Like if I’m getting out of the shower and I happen to walk by a mirror I might smile and linger a little longer than normal. It’s kind of hot, and I dig it. Well sure I find it flattering, who wouldn't?

Or I might catch a whiff of my cologne, and combined with my natural manly scent, it’s rather intoxicating, I have to say. And I do say sometimes, haha! Sure I’ll mention what a stud I am, and the effect I’m having on me. I feel comfortable enough around me that I can say that and not worry about getting all weird about it later.

I’ve never been shy about my body and I often walk around the house shirtless, or in my boxers. Come on, I’m an adult here. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. And sure, with that much openness stuff happens and I might end up, I don’t know…experimenting maybe. It’s not like I’m all into the same-person-sex thing but I’m secure enough in my masculinity that I’m not uptight about it.

As long as I’m consenting there’s nothing wrong with it. Not like I’m twisting my arm or anything…no definitely not, heh-heh. With a guy like me I don’t have to. I’ll never turn down sex with someone who I feel comfortable with, someone I can trust. And I like to please so trust me, I’m satisfied, in fact I’m gettin’ it pretty good.

Well at least I was, until recently. Ever since I've been an item things have gone good for me, maybe a little too good and I guess I had a little twinge of fear; fear of commitment; fear of intimacy maybe. I felt like I might be taking it to the next level, maybe falling in love, (dare I say the ‘L’ word?) so I pulled away and tainted the pot, so to speak. I started seeing someone else. I thought my relationship could handle it and I almost thought it might be a good thing—bring me closer together…

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t doing it behind my back. Oh no, I was totally thinking a twosome. I wouldn’t leave me out. No, that would be impossible, I couldn’t have a relationship without me being involved in some way. I just thought it would be fun to bring an outside party into my little love-nest—spice things up a bit. But it’s kind of had the opposite effect. I seem to be paying all my attention to her and neglecting myself. I hardly spend any quality time with my "significant only" anymore and I’m started to feel…I don’t know, not alone, but like a second wheel.

I’m not a jealous person but when I see us together I get kind of angry. I mean what right does she have to come into a perfectly happy situation and just throw everything off kilter. She doesn’t know my history or how much I mean to me. She’s just a little man-wrecker is what she is.

But this little menage au duex does have its advantages. For one thing it’s given me a chance to see myself through my eyes, and to see me interacting with someone who isn’t me. But really, when it comes down to it, I’m the one I want to come home to at night. I’m the one whose arms I want to have. I want to cry on my shoulder when I’m sad. I want to be the one I come to when the whole world seems to be crowding in on me and I just need someone to be me.

I really am fulfilled by this relationship. It just feels right. I may even be my soul mate. And gosh darn it I miss those quiet evenings when I'd come home; greet myself in the mirror; kick off my shoes; settle in; maybe put on some nice jazz—Sarah Vaughan singing “Alone Together.” Mmm, that’s my song. It’s the song that was playing the very first time I heard it. Now when I hear it I’m instantly in the mood. I’ll slip into something more comfortable, and just cuddle by the fire.

At that point I am usually so turned on, I’m like putty in my hands. I’m all green lights and I usually pick up on that immediately. I like to start out slow and sensual, feeling my hand touching me. And no one knows how I like to be touched like I do. Because I’ve taken the time to study myself and gain a rapport that you don’t see in most people. It’s really a beautiful thing. It’s like I’m thinking, feeling, acting as one person. Like the lines that define me become blurred and it’s no longer me loving me but like…um…uh…waitaminute…WTF?

By Numbsain...the man of his dreams.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Ask Numbsain

Dear numbsain, I read your advice column everyday and I think you're the wisest most intelligent advice columnist on the planet. I think you have a great sense of humor and you're kind and a real humanitarian. That's all I wanted to say. Thanks again.

Oh there is one other thing. My little Bobby, he's only 5 and he needs $5000 to get an operation to save his legs. He loves baseball and his only wish in life is to grow up and play in the major leagues. But you see, without his legs, there's just no way they're gonna let him fulfill his dream. Do you think there's any way you could help us out, it's not for me, it's for Bobby. Won't you please help us numbsain?

Bobby's Loving Dad

Dear Bobby's Lover dad,
There's very little chance your son will make it to the major leagues, even with legs. Nice try. If you had just said the truth which is that you need the money to pay off your crack dealer, you would have had a better chance you phony con artist. Get out of my sight before I puke all over you. By the way, do you really read my column every day? I DON"T WRITE IT EVERY DAY YOU SIMPLETON!
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Dear Numbsain,
Some girls in my sorority and I get together every weekend and play poker. Last night I was winning when all of a sudden, Jenny stood up and pulled a gun on us. I tried to tell her it was only a game and she shouldn’t take it so seriously. Then she shot my lava lamp. What should I do?

Sore Winner

Dear Sore,I suggest playing stripped poker. It’s just like ordinary poker except you start out with no clothes on. That way it will be harder to conceal a weapon. Send me photos too. As far as the lava lamp is concerned, buy a new one only replace the lava with nitro methane (can be purchased at any drag racing outlet). That way if Jenny pops a cap in it, the whole place blows up and she’ll think twice about being such a sore loser.
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Dear Numbsain,
I’m a business man with a wife, two beautiful children and a cat. I make $150 grand a year. My marriage is great, the kids are doing well in school and we have an active social life. But recently, I’ve been sneaking downstairs at night, going into the kitchen, getting down on all fours and eating cat food right out of the cat’s dish. After I finish all of the wet food and nibble a few crunchies, I lap up some water from the cat’s bowl and go back to bed feeling satisfied and content. Is this normal?

Fluffy; CEO,

Dear Fluffy,
This behavior is completely normal for a healthy happy well adjusted adult male cat. You, on the other hand, are a sicko. Of course you feel satisfied and content, cat food is of a much higher quality than human food and it’s meant for cats, not you. Do you even think of your family as your gobbling down Purina in the wee hours? How would they feel if they knew you were hogging all the good stuff? I recommend you be made to wear a neck cone until you break the habit. Try weaning yourself off the 9-Lives with a can of Spam before bedtime and get neutered just in case it’s hereditary.


*
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Dear Numbsain,
I am a professional truck driver. I’m in pretty good health and about average intelligence. But I eat cat food. Am I okay?

Highway Friskies

Dear High,What is with you people?! Stop eating cat food! It’s formulated for felines, not humans! Do you cough up fur balls? Do you want a silky-smooth shiny coat? Do you lick your own asshole? NO! You don’t, so you don’t need premium quality cat foods. It’s too rich for you and you’re running a serious risk of gout, you moron!
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Dear Numbsain,
I’m a 22 year old woman and I eat cat food, just kidding! I eat normal human food and my little Persian kitty gets all the Tender Vittles. There is one little problem, I can’t poop anywhere but in the cat box. I clean the box often though, and I use Johnny Cat® odor absorbing cat litter. That’s okay isn’t it?

Litter Bug

Dear Bug,I hate you people. Why don’t you send this crap to Abigail Van Buren and leave me alone.
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Dear Numbsain,
I’m the captain of a top rated bowling team. We’ve won several championships and every player on the team is world class. Recently however, one of my team members started playing a lot better. Like incredibly so much better that he’s, like, way too good to be playing with the rest of us. We all feel inadequate around him and some of us are thinking of quitting bowling altogether. What should we do?

Gutter Balls

Dear Guts,
Now let me get this straight, you’re all world class bowlers but one of you is so much better that you want to give up the sport? How much better can you be at bowling if you’re already world class? If you’re that damn good, you should all be making mostly strikes and missing very few, if any, spares. I mean, does he just make a strike every time? That’s not so-o-o way better. There just isn’t that much room for improvement in a game like bowling when you’re at that level. You guys sound like a bunch of whining, bitching, sniveling, little punk-ass crybabies. Get over yourself you pansy ass, snot-nosed, milquetoast, pencil-dicked, fat-assed, barf-brained, lily-livered, sore-losing, no-balls-having, bed-wetting, nipple-piercing, chicken-plucking, buck-toothed, Barney-watching, cat-food-eating, Price-Is-Right contestant! Why don’t you make him bowl his entire set with a little porcelain statuette of the Virgin Mary shoved up his ass! That should equalize things.

by numbsain
Disclaimer: Advice given was not written with the aid of a Ouiji board.