Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Numbsain's Horrorscope

Ass-trologer, Psychotic, Palm-Reader/Shaver, Misfortune Teller, Channeler of Spirits (mostly vodka),  and Flying Sorcerer, Numbsain offers his interpretation of the planetary positioning to guide you through your life.

CAPRICORN—You have a certain animal magnetism which is why you have fleas and a tendency to stick to the refrigerator. You will get the runs later in the week at a most inopportune moment soiling a relationship, and your undershorts.

AQUARIUS—Great things are in store for you right now but you can’t afford them. Don’t attempt to shoplift either, you’re way too conspicuous with that “I’m not doing anything wrong” look on your face.

PISCES—Beware of peril lurking in the shadows. Watch your back at all times. Don’t trust anyone. Not that you’re in any particular danger, I just thought it would be really funny to make you get all paranoid.

ARIES—Your instincts are not particularly reliable this week and since experience and wisdom are obviously not an option for you, I suggest you don’t cross the street or try to use scissors. Decision making should be limited to "no."

TAURUS—People matter the most right now. So since your barely human don’t expect much attention. Legal matters complicate your lifestyle and take up much of your time. Like thirty to life.

GEMINI—The wheels have already been set in motion to cause the events that decide your fate. There’s really nothing you can do about anything now. You should have thought of this last week. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?

CANCER—Being stupid is not the end of the world. Being ugly is nobodies fault. Being insensitive to others is forgivable. But all three? And so much? Come on, what are you thinking?

LEO—You’re a mover and a shaker this week, Leo! You really have it going on, and it shows! Just look at you! You’re on top of the world! In the zone! Go, go, go!
...Oooh! Jeezus, you still have to watch out for speeding buses, you idiot.

VIRGO—You have a big impact on your family this weekend when you crash your caterpillar through the dining room wall right in the middle of dinner. They would have waited for you but they didn’t want to listen to all your sniveling and complaining.

LIBRA—You've been making good decisions resulting in a very prosperous time ahead. Wait, sorry that was the fortune I got from the psychic cat yesterday. It's so cute when he hands you the little piece of paper! How does he choose the right one? ...What am I asking you for?

SCORPIO—Believe it or not, things look pretty good for you right now according to the stars. Yeah you’re in good shape...oops! I had the chart upside down! Silly me! Let’s see...actually, you’re screwed. Disaster awaits you, Sorry.

SAGITTARIUS—The stars say you're in for some romance but take it slow and don’t rush into things. The stars are notorious for lying and mercury in retrograde means STDs. But that’s to be expected when you get romantic with a chimpanzee.

Note: These astrology readings are good through November 22nd at all participating galaxies. You must be over 18 and a citizen of the Milky Way. Offer void (of course) where prohibited.

By Numbsain...His rising sign makes a tent in his pants.

Brought to you by...
Dr. Numbsain's Extra Virgin Snake Oil...Cures everything but stupidity.

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