Thursday, March 29, 2012

Yo Mama Jokes "Readers" Hall of Fame 2012

Welcome to the
“First Annual Numbsain’s Unwind Yo Mama Jokes 2012 Readers Hall of Fame”
Where YOU write the jokes and I laugh! We’ve got some good ones here from folks all over the world, and some I suspect from other planets. But we all have one thing in common, we love insulting yo mama. Of course we don’t really hate mamas because, after all without mamas we’d have no one to spit on a tissue and wipe our faces with it when it’s dirty. But since nobody’s mama would ever read this blog, who better to pick on? so without further ado...


reedykurtis12721 gave us these two:

Yo mama is so stupid she got locked in walmart and starved.
yo mama is so stupid she brought a spoon to the superbowl.


Thank you reedy!

 
TROPICAL NEON shouted:

YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WE NEEDED A COMPASS TO FIND HER BUTTHOLE NAH NOT EVEN YO MAMA IS SOOO FAT WEN SHE WENT TO DA BEACH ALL THE WHALES STARED TO SING WE R FAMILY EVEN THOUGH U FATTA DEN ME DATS A JOKE.

Well he didn’t have to yell and he should learn about periods but we love him anyway cause he’s funny. thank you TROPICAL NEON! Oh by the way, trop, just curious, but why were you trying to find my mama’s butthole?



gregr brang us this one:

yo mama teeth is so yellow, cars slow down.
Thank you gregr, except for one thing. My mama ain’t got no teeth.



donneia had this to say:

yo mama lips so big when she wanted to kiss her bf she swalled his head O_O
Hey, donneia, you DO know my mama! Hahahahaha he deserved it. (Doesn’t donneia look pretty with those big eyes of hers? She should smile more though.)



Yo momma herself wrote in and said:

yo mamma so fat when she jumped in the air she got stuck.

Well she should know. Thank you uh, mom.



Conrad was really pushin’ his luck when he said:

Yo Momma so stupid she bookmarked this website.

hmf! I think she was smart.



Angelonfire sent in this original joke:

yo mama so fat when i was sitting on the end of the couch she sat on the other edge she made me go fly across the room.

Good one, Angel. You ARE on fire!



ddawesumness wrote in and said:

yo mama so old wen i asked her 4 her id she gave me a rock.
Thank you dd, that was one of my favorites.



trey jhonson offered this gem:

yo mama is so stupid she shoved a phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.

Excellent! Thank you trey.



regina wrote in and had the nerve to say:

these are the stupidest jokes there not a bit funny
heres a real joke .........
yo mama so old when god said let there be light she was there to hit the switch!!!!!!!!
now thats hilarious mmmm bahhhahahahahahahahah .........shaking my head!!!!!!!!!


Hmk!…No I’m not laughing cause I’m mad at regina. Not just because she said my jokes weren’t funny but also she uses too many exclamation marks! Save some for the rest of us, girl!...Hmk!...Hah…hahaHAHAHA! But she cracks me up! Bahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!! Oops!



random comes in all slick and says:

yo mamas so fat when she went on her scale her phone number came up!
now thats a joke.


Oh it is is it? Good thing, random, cause my mama ain’t that fat!



Tannerb wrote in and shared these two original jokes which he wrote himself. A lot of people try to steal his jokes but that’s just cause they ain’t no tannerb. He says:

yo mamma so old when moses parted the red sea she was on the other side fishin' and heres another yo mama so old when she was born the dead sea just started gettin sick.

Hahaha I love that one. Nice work tannerb, you the shizzizzney!



And then we have this lovely offering from little sam:

any one who posts on this site likes to suk my dik.
yo mama a bi**h


Aawww isn’t that sweet? Little sam, couldn’t be more the 3 foot nothin and he took his pacifier out of his mouth just to say those kind words. Thank you sammy-poo!



emily came on and sent us this classic:

yo mamas teeth is so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles.
Thanks Em, I like they way you told that one.



This one is from john:

yo mamas so nasty when i asked her whats for dinner she opened her legs and said crabs.

You so nasty. I bet when john goes to McDonalds he orders the Big 'N' Nasty.



Frankster 28 comes in and lays four good ones on us in a row just like that Bam!  Bam! Bam! Bam!:

Yo mama so fat that her blood type is rockyrode
Yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car
Yo mama so short she hand glides on Doritos chips
Yo mama is like a vacume cleaner she blows, she sucks and gets laid in the closet

Woah! Thank you Frankster28!



And thank all of you for reading my blog and sharing your funny-ass yo mama jokes with us. I can’t pick a winner out of everyone because all y'all are winners. Every last one of you. even my little buddy sam. (Aw isn’t he cute? When he was a baby his first words were, “Ah go f*ck yerself, beeyotch!” I’ll bet he can name any brand of soap just by the taste.) You all should write blogs of your own and make up all your own jokes and show the world just how funny you are. And when you do send me a link and I’ll come and comment on YOUR blog.


By the readers of numbsain's unwind...who will one day take over my blog and maybe make it worth reading!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Fight Night at MSG

Live From Madison Square Garden


In this corner... fighting out of green trunks with yellow stripes... wearing a smug overconfident grin... from El Paso Texas... weighing in at 210 pounds... the challenger...

PAN-CH-O-O-O
“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”
PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!


And in this corner... fighting out of blue trunks with pink stripes and fire trucks with little dalmations wearing fireman hats and holding ladders... wearing sensible shoes... from Bullpenis Iowa... weighing in at 218 pounds... the champion...

BOY-E-E-ER
“THE DE-STROY-E-E-ER”
SAW-W-Y-Y-E-E-E-E-R-RRRRrrrrrrr


Ref: Now fighters you know the deal, I want a good, clean fight. Nothin’ dirty. No funny stuff, no silly stuff, no hitting below the belt, no belting below the hit, no biting below the ears, no clenching, no clutching, no hugging, no kissing, no spitting, no pissing, no loitering, no soliciting, no parking anytime, no taking cuts in line, no name calling, no tattling, no chewing gum, and no running in the halls, keep your guard up, chin down, chest up and butt out! Take a swing at me I’ll shove my whistle up yer ass and you’ll be farting high C, you hear me? Now get in yer corners and stay there ‘till the bell... And did you two go to the bathroom first?

Pancho: Shit, I forgot, dude...

Ref: What?!

Pancho: I’m just messing witchoo Holmes!

Ref: Grrr...

Boyer: I’m gonna knock the skittles outta you Piñata!

Pancho: May the crab lice of a thousand hookers infest your armpits you misanthropic troglodyte! I’m gonna make you my girlfriend...

Boyer: Not without dinner and a movie first!

Pancho: Yeah? Whattaya like? there’s a romantic comedy playing at the Lumiere.

Ref:
Alright break it up ladies.

[Ding Ding]

The fighters are circling, squaring off, triangulating, Pancho testing his range with a few scales, he’s a little rusty on the high notes, Boyer looks a little chicken, he’s ducking, ducking, now he’s goosing Pancho, the ref doesn’t like that, he gets a little jealous, Pancho seems to like it. Neither boxer really connecting... At least not on a real, emotional level. There’s Pancho with a little combination, looks like a cheese enchilada and a beef taco. Boyers bobbing and weaving... He’s crocheting a little doily, now he throws a wild right, Pancho throws it back, now he throws a shoe, Boyer sizes him up, checks his inseam, Pancho moves in, he pays his first and last months rent but Boyer want’s a cleaning deposit, Pancho’s dancing, he leads with a left, Boyer dips him.
Now Pancho does a two step and he’s really swingin’ but he misses Boyer, he looks kind of sad, Boyer misses him too, they get back together, They’re talking.

Pancho: Hey Sawyer, I saw yer wife last night

Boyer: Yeah, I saw your boyfriend last night.

Pancho: Yeah, well I saw yer momma last night

Boyer: Oh yeah, well I saw your parole officer last night

Pancho: Well I saw your pecker last night, all two inches of it.

Boyer: Yeah that’s cause you had the other eight in your mouth.

Pancho: Really, I thought that was a piece of dental floss.

DING!

And they go to their corners. Boyers trainer Bruce Allswell goes to work on Boyers eye with the endswell, Boyer grabs it and he won’t give it back. Boyers coach tells Boyer to give Allswell that endswell.

Meanwhile Pancho’s standing up in his corner. His trainer is checking out his equipment, he’s not impressed. Pancho takes a drink, he swishes it around in his mouth and spits it out, He doesn’t care for the bouquet of that vintage. The coach brings him an ’05 Bouchon Cabernet Sauvignon, He checks the color. He’s letting it aerate...

DING!

Pancho comes out circling the ring, Boyer comes out circling the other way, not looking where he’s going, They collide in the middle, they trade insurance information, now they start trading punches, they trade a few recipes, then back to punches.
Pancho with a left,
Boyer with a right,
a left,
a right,
a left,
a right,
left,
right,
left,
right,
ten HUT!
Abo-o-out face!
Forwa-a-a-ard Harch!
And they’re marching around the ring.
Boyer breaks formation and nails Pancho with a crushing uppercut.
The challenger is stunned, he’s dazed, he’s confused.
He’s bewitched, bothered and bewildered,
he’s bedazzled, he’s bamboozled, he’s befuddled,
he’s totally discombobulated! Wait! Now he’s recombobulated.
Pancho’s shaking out the cobwebs,
he’s walking it off, he’s getting his bearings,
he stops and asks for directions, he pulls out a map, he’s back on track.
He signals he’s okay, he shrugs it off, and then he falls down flat on his face.
He gets the three count. One! ...Two! ...Two and a half!... Two and three quarters!
Boyer doesn’t like what he sees and he walks over and drop kicks the ref in the nuts!
Then he starts stomping on Pancho’s head. That wakes him up! Pancho’s gotten to his knees, he pulls out a little box, he opens it, it’s a RING!

Pancho: Boyer, will you marry me, Dude?

Boyer: Yes, Pancho. I will marry you! I.. I love you man!

This is beautiful! Boyer accepts! He helps pancho to his feet. They’re about to kiss! Ladies and gentleman this is truly a touching moment...

Oohh! And Pancho delivers a CRUSHING right to the chin of the champion! And Boyer hits the canvas like a 30 pound sack of monkey shit! And he’s out like a fop at a gay pride parade! AMAZING! The crowd goes WILD!!!

And the winner! By a knockout, at the end of round two... The new heavyweight champion of the world...

PAN-CH-O-O-O
“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”
PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!


by numbsain

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

YO MAMA TRUTHS

I was thinking about yo mama the other day and it's really not right the way we talk about her. I mean we should cut that woman a little slack. So I thought of some things to say about her that were true and honest. After all she can't help it if she's fat, ugly, and stupid.


Yo mama’s so fat when she tried out for an acting job they said if she was a little brighter she could be a star…or at least a planet.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to get a job at K-Mart but they said they didn’t have any openings...she could fit through.

Yo mama’s so fat some Native Americans tried to claim her ass as Fataho territory.

Yo mama’s so fat she was almost hunted by a Hopi tribe but they decided they would never be able to use every part of her.

Yo mama’s so fat some kidnappers tried to hold her for ransom but they couldn’t get the trunk closed.

Yo mama’s so fat they named a perfume after her: “Gigantic” by Calvin Klien.

Yo mama’s so fat she can’t fall down.

Yo mama’s so fat that she's always a round

Yo mama’s so fat when she sneezed they called it hurricane Mama.

 Yo mama’s so old we found a portrait of her...in a cave painting.

Yo mama’s so stupid her smart phone was making fun of her.

Yo mama’s so fat people see her and say, “Lard have mercy! The lard works in mysterious ways!”

Yo mama’s so fat she, like some dinosaurs, has a second brain in her hips but she’s so stupid all it does is tell her to sit her lazy ass down.


Yo mama's so sensitive she get's offended by the crack of dawn.

Yo mama’s so stupid she bought a Dell computer, turned it on and said, “Where’s the farmer?”


Yo mama may be fat but she does manage to hold down the house…In a tornado!

Yo mama’s so fat when she says, “get off my back!” you all use her thong to bungee off her ass.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Daylight Savings was a bank.

Yo mama’s so stupid she says she gives debit where debit is due.

Yo mama’s so ugly she was asked to leave the circus cause she was scaring the freaks.

Yo mama’s so ugly someone saw her in a public restroom stall and complained to the janitor.

Yo mama’s so ugly when she got a zit on her face she got all kinds of compliments on it.

Yo mama’s so ugly the priest said, I pronounce you man and wife…Uh, shake!

Yo mama’s so ugly your first words were, “Ma-ma you fuggin UGLY!”

Yo mama’s so ugly when she came to kiss you goodnight you asked the monsters under the bed, “Can I come sleep with you guys?”

Yo mama’s so ugly when you found out how babies are made you bought your daddy a white stick.

Yo mama’s so ugly she was diagnosed with excessive repulsive disorder.

Yo mama’s so fat when she gets 'roids she has to put preparation H on the arm of a chair and then back up to it

Yo mama’s so stupid she tried pot but she didn’t exhale.

By numbsain...His mama would be so proud, as she's smackin' him upside the head.