Monday, August 29, 2011

Yo Mama Jokes by Numbsain

Yo mama is so ugly, she gets maced by rapists.

Yo mama is so stupid, she failed a Rorshach test.

Yo mama is so stupid, she leaves a pile of breadcrumbs behind the treadmill.

Yo mama is so stupid, she took the morning after pill the day after you were born.

Yo mama is so stupid, when your daddy said "doggy style" she fetched his slippers.

Yo mama is so stupid, she wipes her cleavage with toilet paper to make her tits bigger because worked so well on her ass.

Yo mama is so stupid, she calls you a son-of-a-bitch

Yo mama is so stupid, she had to go to rehab cause she got hooked on phonix.

Yo mama is so ugly, when the elephant man saw her he shouted; "I'm not a human being!"

Yo monkey is so ugly, we thought it was yo mama.

Yo mama is so stupid, she got medical advice from Dr. Seuss, but wanted a second opinion from Dr. Pepper.

Yo mama is so stupid, she ate two Weight Watchers dinners so she'd lose twice as much weight.

Yo mama is so stupid, she bought a years supply of fresh squeezed orange juice.

Yo mama is so stupid, she bought a book called: Yo Mama, for Dummies.

Yo mama is so stupid, she asked if her ass made her ass look fat.

Yo mama is so ugly, she asked for Cover Girl at Walgreens and they recommended Bondo from Home Depot.



Yo mama is so stupid, when she asked to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune, she asked for a “B.”

yo mama is so ugly, blind people can't stand to look at her.

Yo mama is so ugly, Jehovahs Witnesses won't knock on her door.

Yo mama is so stupid, when she went to 31 flavors, she asked how many they had.

Yo mama is so ugly, she went to get a make-over and they said she needed to start-over.

Yo mama is so stupid she fixes her make-up to watch reality TV shows,

Yo mama is so ugly, they sold her cigarettes when she was twelve so they didn't have to look at her ID.

Yo mama is so ugly, we rent her out to bulimics.

Yo mama is so ugly, she got a job sitting on the roof of a building.

yo mama is so mean, a sign on your garage says: “Beware of Mama!”

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Top Ten Top Ten Lists


1. Top Ten Excuses for Premature Ejaculation
  1. The FBI Covert Operations Unit trained us to “get in, do the job, and get out fast.”
  2. Well, If you want dinner, all the good places are going to close soon, so I deliberately made the conscious decision to hurry up.
  3. Oh, you just forgot to set the clock forward for daylight savings time. Hey, sixty-one minutes! not too shabby eh?.
  4. Sorry, I..I can’t...I was just thinking about my dog, Sheppy. He died 3 years ago and I’m really not over it. Oh That? That’s just mayonaisse.
  5. Hey, I won fair and square. Don’t be a sore loser.
  6. It’s hereditary, my mom used to have the same problem.
  7. I was faking—Ooh! My meter’s gonna run out! Be right back...in about an hour.
  8. Stop complaining. In some cultures, four seconds is considered very respectable.
  9. Shazam!.
  10. Well, I started two hours ago. You should have been here babe, it was truly amazing.



2. Top Ten Excuses for Erectile Dysfunction
  1. Sorry, when you said “take me now!” it reminded me of my grandmother who's always trying to get us to drive her to Disneyworld.
  2. Funny, I didn’t have any problem with the last four chicks I satisfied this afternoon.
  3. Damn, I just had this thing serviced too. I’m never going to the Pep Boys again.
  4. Yeah but check this out. Ever see such a gorgeous scrotum before?
  5. This happens every full moon...Listen! Do you hear the wolves?
  6. No, it’s working fine. Sorry, you’re just not registering on the Babe-o-meter.
  7. Now what do you want me to do, think or get a hard-on? I don't have enough blood for both.
  8. Gimme that! You’re not doing it right.
  9. Would you look at this; somebody replaced my Viagra with salt peter!
  10. YOU KILLED IT! Get out, you...you...penis killer!


3. Top Ten Excuses for Not Being a Virgin
  1. Look, I have seven brothers, what do you want from me.
  2. It happened in Sex Ed class, it’s a very progressive school
  3. Huh? Really? So it wasn’t a dream!
  4. I said you were my first human.
  5. I didn’t think kindergarten counted.
  6. Are you sure? Damn, that means my premiums gonna go up.
  7. Well, I’m using “The Club” now so there shouldn’t be any more problems.
  8. C’mon dad. All the kids are doing it.
  9. How would you know? Aha! Not so squeaky clean yourself are ya?
  10. Look, I was on safari and I was captured by savages. It was either that or be sacrificed.




4. Top Ten Excuses for Infidelity

  1. It happened at work, honey. I had to do it to keep my job, don’t you care about that? All the top female exec’s got there by sleeping with José in the mail room.
  2. Honey! She was just showing me the position she caught her husband in.
  3. Jeezus, they took the CD player, my briefcase, the change out of the ashtray. Who cares if they left a pair of panties under the seat?
  4. He was working under the sink and I complained about his plumber crack so he took his pants off, that’s all. Perfectly innocent.
  5. I’m not Ralph. He never told you about his identical twin brother? Hi, I’m Kyle and this is my girlfriend Sherry. You must be that gorgeous wife he's always raving about. Well, we have a plane to catch. Tell him we're sorry we didn't get to see him.
  6. He said he was an old friend of yours and you guys did this all the time. You’re telling me you don’t even know him?!
  7. I’ll explain everything, but first just help me with these roses I got you and you like diamonds right? That’s for you. Oh, and I bought you a new Audi Sports Coupe ‘cause I thought it might be fun and this is just a few grand I had left over, put that someplace safe. Okay, now what was that problem you mentioned?
  8. I was in Macy’s and the girl at the Revlon counter just started spraying me with perfume, then she starts drawing with lipstick on my collar and she must have stuffed that strand of blond hair into my shorts when I was distracted worrying about how you were gonna clean this shirt.
  9. Honey, after 30 years of marriage, I’ve had enough sex for my whole life. What would I want with some 22-year-old tart?
  10. What? Steve and I always watch the game in the nude. Huh? Hey, If you saw the pass Favre just threw, you’d have an erection too!

5. Top Ten Excuses for Mysteriously Getting Pregnant

  1. It’s a miracle! Honey, we’re the chosen ones!
  2. Okay I confess. While you were having a wet dream one night, I took the liberty of...
  3. Oh, it must have happened when that armored car coming from the sperm bank flipped over and there was a big spill. I happened to be walking by wearing a short skirt and I slipped in it.
  4. This baby makes me nauseous, He's making me gain weight, and he makes me not want to have sex ever again...Oh he's yours alright.
  5. I don’t know how this happened! I was so careful... What the... Pez? What the hell, happened to my birth control pills?!
  6. Okay I should have told you this before but, I am one quarter African American and it’s a dominant gene so that’s why our baby looks like Denzell Washington. But look honey, he has your penis! ...No, it won’t get bigger, silly.
  7. I knew I shouldn’t have worn your dirty underwear that time.
  8. When was the last time you had your vasectomy checked? Those things can go bad on you. You gotta watch ‘em.
  9. Yeah, well how do you know I’m the real mother?
  10. Okay Ralph, I can’t lie to you. It was your twin brother Kyle. He totally had me fooled.


6. Top Ten Excuses for Looking at Another Woman

  1. Isn't she disgusting? I am so glad you don't look like that.
  2. Oh no, no, no I think I caught a typo. That's not how you spell bootylicious is it?
  3. You're right honey. It's just that I wasn't breast fed nearly long enough as a baby and I just got really sad when I saw those cause they looked exactly like my mommy's hooters.
  4. Shhhhh! not so loud! That's her! That's the girl that raped me! I had to make sure. Call 911! Quick!
  5. Of course not baby I was just looking at that pole. I don't think it's regulation gauge brass tubing. Somebody's gonna get killed on that thing! I've gotta report this to the BBB. This place should be shut down!
  6. You don't see it? The lump! It's so obvious. She's probably gonna lose that breast if she doesn't get some kemo or something.
  7. Oh it just reminded me of when I was in desert storm and one of the enemy's camels got his toe shot off and they had to put the poor thing down. She just reminded me of that and I was staring because suddenly I found myself back there in that, that...hell! I'm still suffering from PTS y'know. Go easy on me, honey.
  8. She just looked like my 3rd grade teacher and she was the one teacher that really reached my young mind...Oh obviously she would have aged , but maybe it's her daughter, i don't know.
  9. I thought she was selling cantaloupes and I was gonna get you one cause I know how much you wish you had, I mean how much you like cantaloupes, right?
  10. No there was a wasp right on her left but cheek and I thought I should tell her but it flew away.
    •

 7. Top Ten Excuses for Being at the Office Naked
  1. Whew! it's a real scorcher out there!
  2. Look guys I really want this Coppertone account.
  3. Didn't anyone get the memo about clothing optional Tuesdays?
  4. Show me where in the company rules it says CEOs can't be naked in their office?
  5. Well do you like what you see or not Mullins? Wanna do me right here on my desk?
    Go for it big guy! Strip! Haha! Now you're naked too! I won't tell if you don't.
  6. Look we're not getting the walk-in business like we used to and profits are way down. I just thought a naked receptionist would help.
  7. I'm only naked from the neck down.
  8. You've been undressing my with your eyes ever since I started working here. Be careful what you wish for next time.
  9. Oh wow! You noticed that? Well now aren't you Mr. Perceptive. Boy nothin' get's by you does it. Here, how many fingers am I holding up? Boy you really got the detective eye don'tcha. I'm naked he says. Amazing. Get the hell out of here, will ya? I know I'm naked you idiot!
  10. Yeah no shit sherlock! Have you ever had an acute case of Flankensparkle's Syndrome? I didn't think so! Well it ain't fun, lemme tell you. You think I like being naked? Hell no! Can't you see I'm in pain? Ferchrissake that's not your cue to stare you pervert! There's nothing sexy about Stankenfarkle's Syndrome! Now unless you've got some amoxicillan get lost!


    8. Top Ten Worst Pick-Up Lines
  1. Hi I’m steve and I’ll be your sex partner this evening. Can I start you off with a grope or do you need more time?
  2. If I could have sex with any girl in this room I’d pretend they were all you.
  3. You could get any man you want, but wouldn’t it be more of a challenge to get a man you DON’T want?
  4. This is really weird. I’m gay. But for some reason I want to have sex with you.
  5. Would you happen to know of a good place where I could hide my penis for the night?
  6. You just saved me the price of 5 drinks cause you look good after only 1.
  7. I know you’re way out of my league but do you have to be such a snob?
  8. Every guy in this room wants to have his way with you. It’s safe at my house, lets go.
  9. What? I know you’re not a hooker...This hundred dollar bill? Oh well, I was about to say you hold on to this $100 and we go back to my place. if you’re not totally satisfied with the sex, you keep the money and I leave, no questions asked. It’s like an insurance policy.
  10. Would a twelve inch penis impress you? How about 4 inches three times?



    9. Top Ten Stupidest Things Straight Men Say to Gay Men

    1. Hey I got no problem witchoo guys I just don't wanna be responsible for breakin' yer heart or some shit.
    2. I like homos as much as normal people.
    3. So do you use the stuff that's strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman or what?
    4. Don't look at my ass, I'm not like a piece of meat.
    5. So what do you guys do when you do it, like, bump dickheads or something?
    6. I could show you some exercises to make your wrists stronger .
    7. But don't you miss tits?
    8. So what am I supposed to hold the door open for you?
    9. I'm just curious what made you decide to go gay?
    10. I think you could get a girl if you just don't act so...faggy.




    10. Top Ten Stupidest Ways to Break Up

    1. Hey honey I was thinking maybe we should just try marrying other people for a while.
    2. If you really cared about me you'd want me to be happy right? Well being a ho makes me happy.
    3. Don't worry baby it's not like you'll never see me again. I'll still be around, I'll just be with another woman in another town.
    4. I just think we're getting a little too close and nothing ruins a relationship faster than intimacy.
    5. Well you were great when we were young and I really thought this would change when I got older but after 25 years of marriage I still just don't get turned on by old chicks.
    6. You understand why don't you? I mean when we started dating you were making $100,000 a year. Now you barely break $75k. Just cause you're willing to take a pay cut doesn't mean I should have to.
    7. Sure it'll take you a while, you'll be devastated at first and you may go into a deep depression for a long time but someday, somehow you'll manage to get over me.
    8. Of course you're great and I love you but what if there's somebody better out there.
    9. I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship and I really need to find myself so I'll see ya baby. Oh could I get your sisters number?
    10. Oh nowhere, I'm just going out for some fresh air...and a new wife.
By Numbsain Inc. “...smart people doing stupid things to make stupid people feel smart”

disclaimer: The excuses listed here, although sound and surefire, are not admissible as evidence in a court of law. Numbsain's Unwind accepts no responsibility for loss, damages, or personal injury suffered as a result of using these excuses.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

NUMBSAIN'S BESTSELLERS LIST


Why Optimism Never Works by Osgood Azitgetz

Kicking Rehab by Don Juan Toquitte

How to Read by A. Beseekian

Sarcasm Schmarcasm by Tsar Castic

Killing your Anger by Hoss Tilly

Finishing what You Sta by A.D. Dee

Living with Death by Mort Titian

Raising your Self Esteem—For Dummies by Stew P. Diddiate

Paris on $3,000 a Day by Rich Pigg

Parapalegics Handbook by Peg Legg

Cooking with Food by I.B. Eaton

Brain Twisters made Easy by Les Workman

Memorize Spontaneity by Rote

Drowning Worms & Catching Fish by Rod N. Reale

Putting off Procrastination by I. Ken Waite

You Can't Have Nothing by M.T. Hand

Exaggeration Will Destroy Us All!!! by Wolfe Cryer

How to Avoid Karma by N. Evita Bull

A Gude to Pefect Proofeading by Hugh Mistwan

Everything You Want To Know About The Unknown by Miss Terry Solver

What You'll Know After Reading This Book by Dewey Caretol

Drawing Manual—and people that look like him by Varispa Siffick

Fight Rebellion by Jess Dewitt

Zeroing in on the Big Picture by Miss Gnoamer

The Whole Story—Volume One by Ima Lyer

Stop Doing Nothing by Don Dewitt

Exposing Exhibitionism by I.C. Yerbutte

Safety in Letters by Count Tutten

Bigots Are All Alike by Bud Yusedd

Everything Exists by Noah Brainard


Far Away Things Can't Get Any Closer by Anne Stillby-Farr

The Future of History by Bakkon Forthe

If You Say Your Lying, You're Not, So You Are. by Thad Steep

The More You Want The Less You Have by I. Ronnick

You'll Never Know What Killed You by Juan Derrin

Shakespeare for Americans Series by Bill Trembleskewer


President Lear
Comedy of Screw-Ups
Rambo and Juliet
A Midsummer Nights Tailgate Party
Mickey Beth
Green Eggs and Hamlet
The Date Rape of Lucy
The Dealer of Vegas
A Shit-Fit About Nothing
Bitchslapping of the Ho
Dick of New York

Special Edition Audio Tape Books

Britney "Shakes" Spear:
5 Shakespeare Classics Read by Britney Spear

William Shakespeare Set to Music:
Carol King Lear

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Top 10 last things a woman wants to hear when she asks “Am I sexy?”

  1. Hey babe, you’re blocking the TV.
  2. Yeah, I could go for a quickie.
  3. When I first met you, you were...what happened?
  4. Nah, don’t worry, it’s just that biographical clock thing.
  5. You look the same as always.
  6. You still have a pretty face.
  7. Why don’t you ask yer pals Ben and Jerry.
  8. If you weren’t my wife, I might do you.
  9. Who told you that? I’ll kill him.
  10. Compared to your mom?

Top 10 last things a man wants to hear when he asks “Am I sexy?”

  1. In a Ronald McDonald sort of way.
  2. Hey, at least you have a job.
  3. If I wanted sexy, I would have stayed with my ex.
  4. That’s not what’s important in a man.
  5. With the right car you could be.
  6. Sexy men are pigs, you’re nice.
  7. Let me see the bulge...no turn around stupid, the wallet bulge.
  8. Oh look! Its one of those sign twirler guys.
  9. My mom thinks you are.
  10. Well, I love you, honey.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Quick Word About Stutterers


Since Porky Pig first amused us with his inabilty to utter a simple phrase at the end of a cartoon, we’ve mocked, mimicked, made fun of, laughed at, ridiculed, hurried and generally harassed people who stutter.

Perhaps it’s because, technically, they never said not to. Or if they did we'd already gotten bored and left...
Even though many feel we should be patient with a stutterer, who really suffers most, them or us?


How do you say “fine thank you” to a person who takes a minute and a half to ask “how are you?” Do you look them straight in the eye and not blink as though, for that moment, time stood still for you as well? Do you finish their sentence for them since they’re obviously enjoying that first syllable way too much? Or do you look at your watch impatiently, tsking and sighing because the person you really wanted to talk to has walked away... and gone home... and died of old age? It’s not easy to listen to a stutterer and not worry about your meter running out and your car getting a ticket... or getting towed... or getting rusty.


For example, there was a boy in school who we called; “Hooked on Phonix.” He would tell the teacher he had finished his test by saying, “Duh-duh-duh-done! Now, how can you not think of Beethovens 9th? Or sometimes he'd be trying to talk to you and just stand there with his lips carefully shaped to form a word and his finger in the air. You never knew whether to stare at his finger... or what he was pointing at... or the dirt under his nail. One person actually sniffed his finger.


We all knew he used it to his advantage. The teacher would call on him because he could raise his hand just fine, but when he got up to give the answer, all he had to do was go “uh-uh-uh-uh” until one of the other kids who actually knew the answer got impatient and blurted it out. Then he’d just nod in agreement like that was what he was gonna say. Then the teacher would say “Very good, Hooked” and the guy who actually knew the answer would get a: “I’ll see you after class, young man.”


It’s hard being around a “verbal false-starter” in any situation where time is a factor. On the phone; “Please begin recording your message now.” ...“We’re sorry we did not record your message, either because you were not speaking or because you were stuttering...or because you swallowed your tongue.”


Who wants to make a long distance call to a stutterer? Or let them order at the drive-up window; “Welcome to Quickie Burger can I take your order please?” “Buh buh buh buh buh” “Okay that’s one Bubba Burger, no bubbas and extra bubba. Would you like a bubba with that?”


It’s a known fact that stutterers can sing just fine. Which proves they’re faking. Just to get you to hang on their every word...as they do. You’ve got a clear statement to convey but you’ve got wait till Mr. Reluctant gives his long awaited opinion. It’s also been proven that most stutterers are boys who have been sexually molested. Well what do you expect if you never say “Stop.”


“Hey kid, mind if I sodomize you? Well, yes or no? Tell you what, I’ll start and you tell me if it’s a problem. It’s alright? ...I’ll take that as a yes? If you don’t like it, just say the word. So I guess you’re fine with this, eh? Just lemme know if you want me to stop. No? Alright, say no more, silence is golden. Well it was fun. Don’t mention it, the pleasure was all mine. Anything you need before I go? No? Alright see ya later, Patrick.”

And then a minute later:
“C- c- cut it out F- F- F- F- Father F- F- F- F- Fitzpatrick!”

By numbsain. Note: We at Numbsain’s Unwind apologize for being insensitive and if you are a stutterer and were offended by this, we deeply apologize. You should have said something.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Top ten things a woman doesn't want to hear after first date sex

10. Well that was nice. Now if you'll excuse me I have other orders to fill tonight.

9. There ya go! That oughta hold ya for a while. I'm outta here but if that thing gives you anymore trouble you got my number.

8. Cut! Okay that's a wrap. Not bad babe. Couple of minor things but we can fix it in editing.

7. Ya hear that Trish? That's what it sounds like when I make love to a real woman. If you behave maybe I'll let you outta the closet to watch next time.


6. You better get dressed I think I heard Molly pull up on her Harley. Haha you do NOT want her to catch you in here with me. Tie those sheets together and you can exit out the window. HURRY!

5. I guess I'm gay.

4. So whudja think? Worth the three hundred bucks? Oh I forgot to mention that? It's okay, I'll take a check but I'll need two forms of ID.

3. Wow, sex hasn't been this good since mom!

2. [jiggle jiggle, KNOCK KNOCK!] Honey? I got off work early. Why is our bedroom door locked.

1. Incredible! I didn't think it was possible, you've restored my faith in women. I have to tell you I've had a really bad run and I was really feeling bitter toward women in general. And if the truth be known the only reason I went out with you was to get revenge. And that's really what I was gonna do with you but after that I don't feel that way anymore. You were so loving and honest and you really felt like you cared. It was just so beautiful making love to you. I can't believe I was gonna go through with...OH SHIT! Open your legs and push! Has it been fifteen minutes? Shit! fourteen minutes thirty seconds! PUSH DAMMIT! We've got to get that thing out of you! 10 seconds! It's too late, I can't reach it. Well there's no sense in both of us getting blown to smithereens. I'm really sorry babe! but I gotta go. [SLAM]

Thursday, August 4, 2011

FORTUNE COOKIES





COMMON MYTHS ABOUT FORTUNE COOKIES DISPELLED:


Myth:
Fortune cookies are chosen very carefully by a psychic Chinese person in the attic of the restaurant who watches each customer and channels their thoughts invoking the spirit of Buddha to choose the correct wisdom for that person. Then he writes the fortune on a little piece of paper and threads it into the cookie which is made from rice flour and spit.
Fact: The process by which all Chinese Restaurants insure that each fortune is accurate and appropriate for the person to whom it is served is a much more elaborate process that begins weeks before you ever even go to the restaurant, and involves mindreading, time travel and other highly advanced technologies that the western world knows nothing about.
Myth: Confucius was a wise teacher of ancient Chinese philosophy who invented a religion called Confucianism.
Fact: They just spelled “confusion” wrong.
Myth: Fortune cookies are edible.
Fact: They're cardboard.
Myth: The lottery numbers on the back of the fortune are real winning numbers.
Fact: The numbers on the back of fortunes are actually a secret code used by the Xian Dynasty to communicate clandestine plans while operating in the western world.
Myth: There is nothing sexual about the shape of a fortune cookie.
Fact: There is something sexual about the shape of a fortune cookie.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Three Little Pigs Part 2.

Pig 2: Jeez, I can’t believe I’m really here with you guys.

Pig 3: What the hell?

Pig 1: What are you talking about, dildo?

Pig 2: It’s just so great I mean, here I am with you guys and well…you guys are the ones..the ones I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with. My soul mates. I always knew I find my soul mates one day. But I never dreamed it would be you guys. You were right there, close at hand, all along but I, I never knew (sob) it’s kind of perfect really because here we are, three men, the three most powerful men in the universe brought together by the most powerful force in the universe, money. It’s like we were meant to be together. (sigh) GOSH! I think I’m falling in love with you guys.

Pigs 1 & 3: PFSHAhahahahaaaaaaaa! Ahahahah HAHAHA HOHOHO HEE HEEheehehe!

Pig 2: Aha! Ahaha! …Ahaha ahah It’s happy time! Yeah?

Pigs 1 & 3: NO!

Pig 1: Quit yer mealy mouth sniveling you stupid fairy! You sound like an idiot!

Pig 2: But I, I thought it was w-w-wwas s-s-s-specIALLLLLL! WA-A-A-AAAAAA!

Pig 1 & 3: Shut UP!

Pig 2: …

Pig 1: Now look you pansy ass mama’s boy, We’re not married. We’re not in love. We weren’t meant to be together. In fact I hate you! And you too! You’re both disgusting!

Pig 2: sniff…sniff-iff-iff yeah…I know…Yeah, I hate you guys too.

Pig 3: That’s more like it. I hate you too, shithead.

Pig 2: Fu-fuck you (sob) Fuck you guys…Hey guys? will I ever see my mommy again?

Pig 3: Oh brother! Not a chance in hell. She’s not coming here ever. No one is. God I want to get outta here.

Pig 1: Me too. It’s making me sick being in here. Who keeps farting?

Pig 2: NOT ME!

Pig 3: NOT ME! I really want to get outside and hurt people.

Pig 1: At least you got to hurt someone.

Pig 3: Yeah. Yeah I did Hahaha!

Pig 2: What was it like?

Pig 3: Oh it was…it was really great. I’ve told you this story before…

Pig 1: Tell us again! I never get tired of it.

Pig 2:  Hyuk Hyuk Me too. I never got to hurt somebody. Tell us about it.

Pig 3: Oh all right. Well we were hunting, it was midday, I had already bagged a few, couple caribou, a rhino, easy stuff. I wanted the big game that day, I had my heart set on eating pachyderm that evening.

Pig 2: HuWOW! Isn’t that a dinosaur, sir uHuhuhuh! Golly!

Pig 3: It’s an elephant stupid! Now will you shut up and let me tell the story

Pig 1: Just get to the part where you shot ‘im!

Pigs 2 & 3: Awww!

Pig 2: Why’d you give it away?

Pig 3: Oops sorry. Any way I shot him right between the eyes, and he was a moving target, moving pretty fast, maybe 25 mph…

Pig 1: He was 78 years old.

Pig 3. He was in terrific shape! Anyway, dropped ‘im dead in his tracks.

Pig 2: You killed him instantly?

Pig 3: No! He was still ALIVE!

Pigs 1 & 2: Aw Cool Wow!

Pig 3: So I instantly went into character and pretended he was daddy.

Pig 2: What did you say? What did you say?

Pig 1: I love this part.

Pig 3: I walked right up to him and said, “How does it feel daddy? How does it feel to be helpless daddy?” The look in his eye was pure terror.

Pig 2: Yessss!

Pig 1: Did ya kick him or step on his face. Hahaha!

Pig 3: Yup all that. I tortured my daddy for a long time and then I killed him until he died from it. Hahahahah!

Pig 2: You’re my hero.

Pig 3: I lost most of my snarl that day.

Pig 2: I wish I could kill my daddy too...

by numbsain

Three Little Pigs

Pig 1: Well boys we did it hahahahah, Ahahahah HAHAHA!

Pig 2: Quit laughing stupid. What did we do?

Pig 1: We got all the money! Hahahah! They have none. We got it all!

Pig 3: We don’t have it all. They have a little…

Pig 1: Hahahahahah! You call that money? Hahahaha!

Pig 2: So now what do we do?

Pig 1: Huh?

Pig 3: We sit back on our laurels and live the good life.

Pig 2: What’s so good about it?

Pig 1: What so good about it? Are you nuts? We can have anything we want!  Right at our fingertips! Hahahahah!

Pig 2: I already had everything I wanted, and I can’t have anything now, it all has to go through security and it takes so long I don’t even want it by then.

Pig 1: Hahahahah! You’re such an idiot! Hahahahah!

Pig 2: Well there is one thing I want. For you to shut up and stop laughing.

Pig 3: Yeah that would be nice, and stop smiling so damn much too. I can’t stand the sight of your stupid teeth.

Pig 1: Hahah! My teeth are perfect and they’re extra big cause I could afford the biggest teeth in the world! Hahahaha!

Pig 2: They look really stupid.

Pig 1: Fuck you! You’re just jealous cause I have perfect teeth Hahaha!

Pig 3: You guys are really boring. Did you know that you’re some of the most boring people I’ve ever met. I want to go outside and kick some poor people.

Pig 1: No way. Hahaha What if somebody recognizes you? It’s too risky. We can’t ever show our faces in public again. But we’re rich, so who cares.

Pig 2: I can’t believe I have to stay in this place forever with you guys. I hate having all the money:

Pig 1: Give yours to me then hahahah!

Pig 2: Ha ha very funny. I’m not that stupid.

Pig 1: You said you hated it so…I’ll take it. C’mon give me all your money hahaha!

Pig 2: Screw you.

Pig 1: Well how bout some of it. Just give me some of your money, please? I’m asking nicely. C’mon I really need more money. I’ll give you this paper weight. C’mon…

Pig 3: HE SAID NO! Now stop asking him for money, don’t you have enough.

Pig 1: No I want more, I need more.

[BZZZT]

Pig 1: WHAT? We’re busy what the hell do you want.

Intercom: Sir, your dinner has arrived.

Pig 1: Oh okay, send it in. And it better be good this time!

Intercom: Um, that’ll be $12,487.65.

Pig 2: What!? Are you crazy, we can’t afford that!

Pig 1: Yeah that’s ridiculous! We’re not paying. Send it in right away and it better be damn good for that price…HEY! SEND IT IN NOW!

Intercom: Sir, he won’t deliver it without the money.

Pig 1: Oh okay, kill him. And it better be good.

intercom: Sorry, he just left.

Pig 1: What? I want food now! Go get it! All right we’ll pay the goddamn $200.
Hey you got the money right?

Pig 2: No.

Pig 3: Don’t look at me.

Intercom: Um, not $200 sir, $12,487.65.

Pig 1: You just said $200! You heard him didn’t you?

Pig 3: Yup $200.

Pig 1: We all heard $200.

Intercom: No, I said $12,487.65.

Pig 1: Okay it’s $4,162.55 each. If we don’t pay, we don’t eat.

Pig 2: Oh jeezus! Fuck, there goes all my money. Don’t we get a special break cause we’re rich?

Pig 3: All I have is $5,000 bills. Look I can’t afford this.

Pig 1: Look none of us can afford it but it’s either that or starve to death.

Pig 2: Hey can we get a discount or something?

Intercom: Uh no sir.

Pig 1: Can we owe it to you we’re a little cash poor at the moment, but I’m getting a check tomorrow can I pay you back then.

Intercom: Uh no sir.

Pig 3: DAMN! Your killing me you know that? I can’t keep shelling out cash every day like this. I’m cutting off funding to that stupid children’s hospital. That thing is ridiculous. Just don’t feed the preemees for one meal they’re not gonna miss it! I really need this money.

Pig 2: What for?

Pig 3: Well I just really wanted to have a certain amount of money and that’s how much I had and now i don’t, I’m gonna come up short and it’s really not good for my blood pressure. Why can’t that asshole just give us the food?

Pig 1: Cause they’re all greedy pigs. That’s what poor people do they take, take, take, it’s disgusting but that’s what they do. They don’t give a shit about anybody. Let’s just give ‘em the goddamn money and we’ll raise taxes so we’ll get it all back.

Pig 3: Well we could have done that anyway and then we’d have more but if i give them this money now then when we raise the taxes we’ll just have the same amount as we had before. What good is that?

Pig 2: Look just give him the money. It’ll come back to us. Karma y’know? Just let it go. I know, it’s killing me too but there’s nothing we can do.

Intercom: He’s waiting sir.

Pig 1: ALL RIGHT ALREADY HERE’S THE DAMN MONEY! I HOPE YOUR HAPPY! Bastard. I put it in the tube you should be getting it any second now. So could we please have our food already?

Pig 2: I think that piece of shit is trying to get rich off of us.

Intercom: Um, Sir, I need another $215.65

Pig 1: What? That’s all we have! I’m not made of money here! Don’t be so damn greedy just take the rest out of your pocket!

Intercom: Um, no.

Pig 1: OKAY FINE! THERE! YOU HAPPY? You’ve left us penniless! This crap better be good!

Intercom: 65 more cents sir.

Pig 2: Can’t he skip one paycheck? Poor people are so selfish.

Pig 1: Here! I’ll pay him the 62 cents…

Intercom: 65 cents sir and you really should give the man a tip…

Pigs 1, 2 and 3: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HOHOHOHO-HAHAhahaha!

Pig 1: Yeah right! That’s a good one! No No No! Sorry. Fool me once shame on…me? how does it go? Whatever just get lost will ya? Tip! Can you imagine the nerve of that guy?

Pig 2: Where’s the goddamn food?

[Knock knock]

Pig 1: Who is it?

Guard: Food.

Pig 1: All right, coming…Gimme that food! Did you touch it? Open the tray! Eat that right there. How is it? Feel funny? No? Get the hell out of here. Wait! Gimme $20 for that bite.

Guard: Fuck off asshole.

Pig 1: You’re....

Guard: I quit.

Pig 1: …Fired! grrrr!

Guard: Shithead.

Pig 1: Kill that man on the way out.

Intercom: Yes-sir…sure!

Pig 2: GIMME! ME FIRST!

Pig 3: NO MINE! WHERE’S MINE!

Pig 1: HERE! Thats yours, and that’s yours, and this one is mine.

Pig 3: What’s the difference?

Pig 1: Nothing. Exactly the same.

Pig 2: Weigh them!

Pig 3: Forget it I’m eating…Ugh! What is this? Caviar again?

Pig 1: And pate de fois gras with white Alba truffles, and Kobe Wagyu rib eye steak.

Pig 2: His looks bigger.

Pig 1: [unzip…flop]

Pig 2: [unzip…flop]

Pig 3: [unzip…flop]

Pig 3: Ew! God why do we have to do this every time somebody uses the word “bigger”

Pig 2: Do what?

Pig 3: Whip out our dicks and flop them on the table.

Pig 1: To see whose is bigger. Let’s measure ‘em, hahahaha!

Pig 2: I don’t wanna.

Pig 3: Me neither. I hate looking at you guyses dicks every day. I wish I didn’t know what your dicks look like. I’m not into other men’s dicks…

Pig 1: You’re Jealous cause you know mine’s bigger! HAHAHAHAH!

Pig 2: Who cares?

Pig 1: Chicks do, hahaha, they want guys with big dicks and all the money. Just like us! HAHAHAH!

Pig 3: Well then where are they all?

Pig 1: Want me to get them?

Pig 2: No, not again. They always look so…terrified.

Pig 3: Or just disgusted.

Pig 1: Huh? Oh, well I’ll get some new ones.

Pig  3: No, that’s okay they all end up looking that way. They don’t really like us.

Pig 1: Bullshit. They have to like us, Hahahaha!

Pig 2: But they don’t. Even when we were paying them I could tell they hated our guts.

Pig 1: Well that’s cause you eat like a pig! HAHAHAHAHA!

Pig 3: Let’s do something else.

Pig 1: Like what?

Pig 3: I don’t know but standing here with our dicks out isn’t any fun. Let’s do something fun. We have all the money we could ever want. There must be something fun we can do.

Pig 2: Wanna go flying in our jets?

Pig 3: No. Last time my pilot ejected. Then I had to eject too and it was uncomfortable.

Pig 1: Why do they always do that?

Pig 2: Cause they hate us.

Pig 1: Oh yeah. They’re just jealous! Hahahaha!

Pig 3: Well we still end up having to eject. And it’s too much work having to pack my parachute every time.

Pig 1: That’s true. Why can’t we trust anybody to pack ‘em for us?

Pig 2: Cause they hate us.

Pig 1: Oh well…that’s not fair. What did we ever do to them?

Pig 3: Yeah we’re the only ones keeping this country great.

Pig 1: That’s right without us it would be a country full of poor people.

To be continued...