Top Ten Top Ten Lists

1. Top Ten Excuses for Premature Ejaculation

1. The FBI Covert Operations Unit trained us to “get in, do the job, and get out fast.”
   
2. Well, If you want dinner, all the good places are going to close soon, so I deliberately made the conscious decision to hurry up.
   
3. Oh, you just forgot to set the clock forward for daylight savings time. Hey, sixty-one minutes! not too shabby eh?.
   
4. Sorry, I..I can’t...I was just thinking about my dog, Sheppy. He died 3 years ago and I’m really not over it. Oh That? That’s just mayonaisse.
   
5. Hey, I won fair and square. Don’t be a sore loser.
   
6. It’s hereditary, my mom used to have the same problem.
   
7. I was faking—Ooh! My meter’s gonna run out! Be right back...in about an hour.
   
8. Stop complaining. In some cultures, four seconds is considered very respectable.
   
9. Shazam!.
   
10. Well, I started two hours ago. You should have been here babe, it was truly amazing.

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2. Top Ten Excuses for Erectile Dysfunction

1. Sorry, when you said “take me now!” it reminded me of my grandmother who's always trying to get us to drive her to Disneyworld.
   
2. Funny, I didn’t have any problem with the last four chicks I satisfied this afternoon.
   
3. Damn, I just had this thing serviced too. I’m never going to the Pep Boys again.
   
4. Yeah but check this out. Ever see such a gorgeous scrotum before?
   
5. This happens every full moon...Listen! Do you hear the wolves?
   
6. No, it’s working fine. Sorry, you’re just not registering on the Babe-o-meter.
   
7. Now what do you want me to do, think or get a hard-on? I don't have enough blood for both.
   
8. Gimme that! You’re not doing it right.
   
9. Would you look at this; somebody replaced my Viagra with salt peter!
   
10. YOU KILLED IT! Get out, you...you...penis killer!
    

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3. Top Ten Excuses for Not Being a Virgin

1. Look, I have seven brothers, what do you want from me.
   
2. It happened in Sex Ed class, it’s a very progressive school
   
3. Huh? Really? So it wasn’t a dream!
   
4. I said you were my first human.
   
5. I didn’t think kindergarten counted.
   
6. Are you sure? Damn, that means my premiums gonna go up.
   
7. Well, I’m using “The Club” now so there shouldn’t be any more problems.
   
8. C’mon dad. All the kids are doing it.
   
9. How would you know? Aha! Not so squeaky clean yourself are ya?
   
10. Look, I was on safari and I was captured by savages. It was either that or be sacrificed.

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4. Top Ten Excuses for Infidelity

1. It happened at work, honey. I had to do it to keep my job, don’t you care about that? All the top female exec’s got there by sleeping with José in the mail room.
   
2. Honey! She was just showing me the position she caught her husband in.
   
3. Jeezus, they took the CD player, my briefcase, the change out of the ashtray. Who cares if they left a pair of panties under the seat?
   
4. He was working under the sink and I complained about his plumber crack so he took his pants off, that’s all. Perfectly innocent.
   
5. I’m not Ralph. He never told you about his identical twin brother? Hi, I’m Kyle and this is my girlfriend Sherry. You must be that gorgeous wife he's always raving about. Well, we have a plane to catch. Tell him we're sorry we didn't get to see him.
   
6. He said he was an old friend of yours and you guys did this all the time. You’re telling me you don’t even know him?!
   
7. I’ll explain everything, but first just help me with these roses I got you and you like diamonds right? That’s for you. Oh, and I bought you a new Audi Sports Coupe ‘cause I thought it might be fun and this is just a few grand I had left over, put that someplace safe. Okay, now what was that problem you mentioned?
   
8. I was in Macy’s and the girl at the Revlon counter just started spraying me with perfume, then she starts drawing with lipstick on my collar and she must have stuffed that strand of blond hair into my shorts when I was distracted worrying about how you were gonna clean this shirt.
   
9. Honey, after 30 years of marriage, I’ve had enough sex for my whole life. What would I want with some 22-year-old tart?
   
10. What? Steve and I always watch the game in the nude. Huh? Hey, If you saw the pass Favre just threw, you’d have an erection too!

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5. Top Ten Excuses for Mysteriously Getting Pregnant

1. It’s a miracle! Honey, we’re the chosen ones!
   
2. Okay I confess. While you were having a wet dream one night, I took the liberty of...
   
3. Oh, it must have happened when that armored car coming from the sperm bank flipped over and there was a big spill. I happened to be walking by wearing a short skirt and I slipped in it.
   
4. This baby makes me nauseous, He's making me gain weight, and he makes me not want to have sex ever again...Oh he's yours alright.
   
5. I don’t know how this happened! I was so careful... What the... Pez? What the hell, happened to my birth control pills?!
   
6. Okay I should have told you this before but, I am one quarter African American and it’s a dominant gene so that’s why our baby looks like Denzell Washington. But look honey, he has your penis! ...No, it won’t get bigger, silly.
   
7. I knew I shouldn’t have worn your dirty underwear that time.
   
8. When was the last time you had your vasectomy checked? Those things can go bad on you. You gotta watch ‘em.
   
9. Yeah, well how do you know I’m the real mother?
   
10. Okay Ralph, I can’t lie to you. It was your twin brother Kyle. He totally had me fooled.

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6. Top Ten Excuses for Looking at Another Woman

1. Isn't she disgusting? I am so glad you don't look like that.
   
2. Oh no, no, no I think I caught a typo. That's not how you spell bootylicious is it?
   
3. You're right honey. It's just that I wasn't breast fed nearly long enough as a baby and I just got really sad when I saw those cause they looked exactly like my mommy's hooters.
   
4. Shhhhh! not so loud! That's her! That's the girl that raped me! I had to make sure. Call 911! Quick!
   
5. Of course not baby I was just looking at that pole. I don't think it's regulation gauge brass tubing. Somebody's gonna get killed on that thing! I've gotta report this to the BBB. This place should be shut down!
   
6. You don't see it? The lump! It's so obvious. She's probably gonna lose that breast if she doesn't get some kemo or something.
   
7. Oh it just reminded me of when I was in desert storm and one of the enemy's camels got his toe shot off and they had to put the poor thing down. She just reminded me of that and I was staring because suddenly I found myself back there in that, that...hell! I'm still suffering from PTS y'know. Go easy on me, honey.
   
8. She just looked like my 3rd grade teacher and she was the one teacher that really reached my young mind...Oh obviously she would have aged , but maybe it's her daughter, i don't know.
   
9. I thought she was selling cantaloupes and I was gonna get you one cause I know how much you wish you had, I mean how much you like cantaloupes, right?
   
10. No there was a wasp right on her left but cheek and I thought I should tell her but it flew away.
    

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 7. Top Ten Excuses for Being at the Office Naked

1. Whew! it's a real scorcher out there!
   
2. Look guys I really want this Coppertone account.
   
3. Didn't anyone get the memo about clothing optional Tuesdays?
   
4. Show me where in the company rules it says CEOs can't be naked in their office?
   
5. Well do you like what you see or not Mullins? Wanna do me right here on my desk?
   Go for it big guy! Strip! Haha! Now you're naked too! I won't tell if you don't.
   
6. Look we're not getting the walk-in business like we used to and profits are way down. I just thought a naked receptionist would help.
   
7. I'm only naked from the neck down.
   
8. You've been undressing my with your eyes ever since I started working here. Be careful what you wish for next time.
   
9. Oh wow! You noticed that? Well now aren't you Mr. Perceptive. Boy nothin' get's by you does it. Here, how many fingers am I holding up? Boy you really got the detective eye don'tcha. I'm naked he says. Amazing. Get the hell out of here, will ya? I know I'm naked you idiot!
   
10. Yeah no shit sherlock! Have you ever had an acute case of Flankensparkle's Syndrome? I didn't think so! Well it ain't fun, lemme tell you. You think I like being naked? Hell no! Can't you see I'm in pain? Ferchrissake that's not your cue to stare you pervert! There's nothing sexy about Stankenfarkle's Syndrome! Now unless you've got some amoxicillan get lost!
    
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    8. Top Ten Worst Pick-Up Lines

1. Hi I’m steve and I’ll be your sex partner this evening. Can I start you off with a grope or do you need more time?
   
2. If I could have sex with any girl in this room I’d pretend they were all you.
   
3. You could get any man you want, but wouldn’t it be more of a challenge to get a man you DON’T want?
   
4. This is really weird. I’m gay. But for some reason I want to have sex with you.
   
5. Would you happen to know of a good place where I could hide my penis for the night?
   
6. You just saved me the price of 5 drinks cause you look good after only 1.
   
7. I know you’re way out of my league but do you have to be such a snob?
   
8. Every guy in this room wants to have his way with you. It’s safe at my house, lets go.
   
9. What? I know you’re not a hooker...This hundred dollar bill? Oh well, I was about to say you hold on to this $100 and we go back to my place. if you’re not totally satisfied with the sex, you keep the money and I leave, no questions asked. It’s like an insurance policy.
   
10. Would a twelve inch penis impress you? How about 4 inches three times?
    
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    9. Top Ten Stupidest Things Straight Men Say to Gay Men
    
    
    1. Hey I got no problem witchoo guys I just don't wanna be responsible for breakin' yer heart or some shit.
       
    2. I like homos as much as normal people.
       
    3. So do you use the stuff that's strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman or what?
       
    4. Don't look at my ass, I'm not like a piece of meat.
       
    5. So what do you guys do when you do it, like, bump dickheads or something?
       
    6. I could show you some exercises to make your wrists stronger .
       
    7. But don't you miss tits?
       
    8. So what am I supposed to hold the door open for you?
       
    9. I'm just curious what made you decide to go gay?
       
    10. I think you could get a girl if you just don't act so...faggy.
    
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    10. Top Ten Stupidest Ways to Break Up
    
    
    1. Hey honey I was thinking maybe we should just try marrying other people for a while.
       
    2. If you really cared about me you'd want me to be happy right? Well being a ho makes me happy.
       
    3. Don't worry baby it's not like you'll never see me again. I'll still be around, I'll just be with another woman in another town.
       
    4. I just think we're getting a little too close and nothing ruins a relationship faster than intimacy.
       
    5. Well you were great when we were young and I really thought this would change when I got older but after 25 years of marriage I still just don't get turned on by old chicks.
       
    6. You understand why don't you? I mean when we started dating you were making $100,000 a year. Now you barely break $75k. Just cause you're willing to take a pay cut doesn't mean I should have to.
    7. Sure it'll take you a while, you'll be devastated at first and you may go into a deep depression for a long time but someday, somehow you'll manage to get over me.
       
    8. Of course you're great and I love you but what if there's somebody better out there.
       
    9. I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship and I really need to find myself so I'll see ya baby. Oh could I get your sisters number?
       
    10. Oh nowhere, I'm just going out for some fresh air...and a new wife.

By Numbsain Inc. “...smart people doing stupid things to make stupid people feel smart”

disclaimer: The excuses listed here, although sound and surefire, are not admissible as evidence in a court of law. Numbsain's Unwind accepts no responsibility for loss, damages, or personal injury suffered as a result of using these excuses.