BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS

Einstein demonstrating
his theory of slurpativity.

Everyone knows Albert Einstein, theoretical physicist, guy with funny hair. But few are aware of his early years with the circus. Yes one of the greatest geniuses of our time once took a summer job under the big top as Neutrino the Clown amusing and entertaining audiences with his theory of smellativity. His career in comedy came to an abrupt end when he accidentally vaporized an audience with a tiny nuclear device he wore on his lapel and flung into the air just before diving into a lead lined barrel to safety.

Shut your stupid disgusting

twinkie-hole you hideously
ugly lard ass behemoth.

We're all aware of the exploits of K*rl R*ve, former senior advisor and cheif of staff to ex-president Ge*rge B*sh and consummate asshole, but not many people know that as a teen K*rl worked as a chicken sexer for Zacky Farms. It was a short lived career as K*rl quit when he learned that the job had nothing to do with having sex with chickens. Throughout his life Mr. *urp* (excuse me) ka-BAAAAARRFF! that guy has attempted to have sex with all the farm animals all of whom expressed a violent dislike for him and refused even when offered large sums of money. K*rl prefers chickens over all other unwilling partners because only the chicken's vagina is small enough to accommodate his... *gag* y'know that thing.

Miss Spears after being told she
could not sit by the window and
would have to take the aisle seat.

What celebrity exposé would be complete without mention of America's favorite sex pig Britney Spears, teen idol, exhibitionist and professional tabloid fodder. But few people know or care about Britney's very first attempt at being a useful and productive member of the work force. That's because she never was a useful and productive member of anything. In fact no company, organization, or person could stand her and so she was advised by her school counselor to become a pop singer certain she would fail and end up overdosing on something. Go figure.

Timberlake thinking himself
dapper in that ridiculous outfit.

One of the fastest rising young stars in the music business, and it's inevitable offshoot, the film industry, is Justin Timberlake, recording artist, actor (in the very broad sense of the word) and liberator of Janet Jackson's breasts at the Super-bowl. Not surprisingly his early vocational experience had little to do with music or acting. Macaroni was Timberlake's field of expertise and not just manufacturing or eating the stuff, no, this ambitious young upstart was Head Macaroni Sorter at one of the finest Italian cuisine plants in the US, Chef Boy-ar-dee. Timberlake was responsible for making sure the freshly extruded semolina/dishwater mixture stayed separated from the rat turds and was responsible for stringent quality control of Spaghetti-Os and other products worn on the faces and scalps of two-year-old gourmands across the country.

by numbsain, who wrote a blog before he was famous

Celebrity Interviews Gone Wrong

Donald Trump

numbsain: Mr. Trump, first of all, congratulations on having so much money. How does it affect your happiness?

Donald Trump: What's that?

numbsain: Oh, nothing important. Let me ask you this, how did you like Numbsain's Unwind?

Donald Trump: How much revenue did it earn in the past fiscal year?

numbsain: None. We do it as a creative outlet for fun.

Donald Trump: Wait a minute. It doesn't earn any money?

numbsain: None.

Donald Trump: Ahah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! AHAH-HAH-HAH-HAH That's hilarious!
HO-HO-HO-HA-HAHAHA That's so absurd! HA-HA-HA That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of in my entire life! HAHAHAH HOHOHOHA HAHA aha haha... HAH HAH HAH...

numbsain: He thinks it's funny! Donald Trump thinks Numbsain's Unwind is hilarious! He can't stop laughing! That's great!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$



Sylvester Stallone

numbsain: It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Stallone. I'm a big fan of all your movies, especially the Terminator series...

Sly: That was the Governor.

numbsain: I haven't seen the Governor, is that a new one coming out?

Sly: No. The Governor of California was the Terminator, I was Rocky.

numbsain: Oh, I haven't seen that one. So what do you think of Numbsain's Unwind?

Sly: Oh, It was nice... Yeah I thought it was fine.

numbsain: Did you even read it? Did you think it was funny?

Sly: Oh yeah I read the whole thing.

numbsain: Really? All the archives and everything? there's a lot of stuff on there. Which part did you like the best?

Sly: Oh I liked the picture of Captain Kirk lookin' like a fag, and the fried chicken head, that was funny.

numbsain: Um, what writing did you most enjoy?

Sly: Oh uh, all of it. It's really good writing.

numbsain: I see. Um, Sly would you read this for me please... out loud.

Sly: Oh, uh listen, I don't have time for this, I'm a very important person. I gotta go.

numbsain: Aha... That's the storage closet, Sly. The exit's the next door over, the one that says "EXIT".


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O.J. Simpson

numbsain: So tell me Mr. Simpson, which was more difficult for you emotionally, the long drawn out trial in which you had to endure being accused of killing your own wife while you were still grieving over this terrible loss, or the actual killing of her?

O.J. Well, I'd have to say the trial because it took so long and it was really boring. The killing itself was easy because all I had to... oops!


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Britney Spears

numbsain: It's nice to...

Britney: Can I get a drink?

numbsain: Certainly, there you go.

Britney: Glug glug glug AAAAK! Ptoo! Ptoooy! What the hell is that?!

numbsain: Water.

Britney: Oh my GOD! That's disgusting! Don't fish, like, fuck in water?

numbsain: No this is special water made just for drinking.

Britney: Do you mind if I smoke a joint?

numbsain: Be my guest. So on your last video,...

Britney: How did you know about that? That was a stunt double they used for the sex scenes, I don't do that kind of...

numbsain: Hey Britney, it's okay. You can relax... WHOA! Not that much! Close your legs please. Could we get some Glade in here? Ah, thank you... (PSHSHSHSHSHT) Whew! That's better. Britney! No! Britney, Put down the can! No, I don't have a paper bag. Just smoke your joint and sit still. Now, were you upset when they took the boys away?

Britney: It was fine because we just shot the lesbian scenes then and they were kinda fun...

numbsain: I meant your children.

Britney: What are you talking about? They weren't even around for the shoot. Can I do a line right here on this coffee table?

numbsain: Whatever bloats your floats my dear.

Britney: Can you move your cup and those magazines?

numbsain: Okay, but why... JEEZUS that's a lot of cocaine! You- you're not gonna... HOLY MOTHER OF BLOW! ...Uh, Britney? ...BRITNEY?!

Britney: ...WHAZZA? WHAT SAID WHO?! I DIDN'T ORDER THAT! WHERE ARE WE?! WHO ARE YOU!?

numbsain: My name is...

Britney: You have a name!? DO ME RIGHT NOW!

numbsain: (gulp!) SECURITY!!!


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John Cleese

numbsain: Thank you so much for being here Mr. Cleese. I have to say I'm a little skittish about talking to you because I'm desperately afraid you might steal my material.

John Cleese: Skittish? What a strange word to use right there in that sentence, hmm. Anyway, yes, I would think you would be a bit concerned that I might steal your material.

numbsain: Why do you say that?

John Cleese: Why did YOU say it?

numbsain: Because I thought it would be funny if I was worried that John Cleese would steal my meager plebeian material.

John Cleese: Plebeian? What an unusual word choice, hmm. Anyway, so you thought that would be funny, eh squire?

numbsain: (gulp) Well, I, er, uh, no, not really, I just thought...

John Cleese: Aha! you see that's the trouble right there; you thought.

numbsain: I didn't mean to, I just thought...

John Cleese: Aha! there you did it again!

numbsain: But I thought...

John Cleese: There! you just did it again you silly git. That's the problem with you American humorists, you think too much and thinking is not funny.

numbsain: I understand... I think.

John Cleese: No, no, no, you ridiculous twit, don't think.

numbsain: Not at all?

John Cleese: Not one bit.

numbsain: okay...

John Cleese: That's better.

numbsain: ...

John Cleese: Hello?

numbsain: ...

John Cleese: HELLO?

numbsain: ...

John Cleese: WAKE UP!

numbsain: ...

John Cleese: What is he thinking, nodding off in the middle of an interview. How thoughtless. Does he think he can get away with that? And to think I came all the way down here, I think I'll leave.

numbsain: ...

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Richard Gere

numbsain: Thanks for coming down Mr. Gere. Now you first became well known for...

Richard Gere: Yes, I know but that was a different time and a different place and I was searching to find myself and I tried the gerbil thing...

numbsain: I was going to say, you first became well known for your role in ‘Pretty Woman’ with Julia Roberts.

Richard Gere: Oh. That was way before the gerbil thing. Did people know me then?

numbsain: Well yes, you became a national sex symbol and...

Richard Gere: Then I did the gerbil thing...

numbsain: But let's talk a little bit about your acting career. Had you had many roles before that role?

Richard Gere: No, you're not supposed to eat too much before hand and I recommend an enema...

numbsain: No no no, I meant acting roles, Richard.

Richard Gere: Well, I was acting like it didn't hurt when I got to the hospital...

numbsain: DAMMIT MAN! CAN YOU GET OFF THE FREAKING GERBIL ALREADY?!!

Richard Gere: Well I did, I don't think the gerbil got off on it. In fact he died.

numbsain: Oh my God! Just get the hell out of here!

Richard Gere: Don't you want to hear about the Guinea Pig?

numbsain: NO!


The interviews depicted here are fictitious, although they are attributed to actual people. The names have been left the same so as to defame the guilty.

I would like to extend my personal apology to John Cleese, my hero and the only man in the world with whom I would consider having sex.

By numbsain