Showing posts with label Jewish mother humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jewish mother humor. Show all posts

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Yo Mama's So...Somethin'

yo mama tripped and fell while crossing the street

 Yo mama’s so fat Ben & Jerry have their own parking spaces in front of the house.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she went to get acupuncture she asked for a shot of novacaine first.

Yo mama’s so fat yo daddy smacks her ass before he goes to work and when he comes home it’s still jiggling.

yo mama’s so old she has dinosaur DNA trapped in her boogers.

Yo mama’s so old when she crosses the street she's afraid of being hit by a horse and buggy.

Yo mama’s so fat her favorite continental breakfast is Africa.

Yo mama’s so old she tells senior citizens, “When I was your age I had respect for my Australopithecus."

Yo mama’s so old she tells you not to track the earths partially cooled crust into the house.

Yo mama’s so old she put her money in the first national bank.

Yo mama’s so old she once yelled at a guy for dragging a wooden cross through her rose bushes. Then she made him wear the ones he ruined on his head.

Yo mama’s so stupid when a clerk tried to sell her pants made of corduroy she asked who the other three quarters were.
Don't ask...I have no idea.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to Weight Watchers, they sent her to Whale Watchers.

Yo mama’s so fat there are wise men living in her hair.

Yo mama’s so big she has a snow cap.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she got crabs they had to tent her.

Yo mama’s so fat when she played goalie on the soccer team she never had to move.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks the Flinstones is a reality TV show.

Yo mama’s so fat when she went to get a tramp stamp they sent her to a muralist.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to a restaurant alone and the maitre ‘d said “party of five?”

Yo mama’s so fat you need binoculars to read over her shoulder.

Yo mama’s so fat she wins at twister every time on the first spin.

Yo mama’s so old archeologists are already trying to study her.

Yo mama’s so old she complains that the universe just isn’t expanding they way it used to.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a bear in the woods and told you to watch where you step.

What? Well she is! Don't lie. C'mon yo mama ain't in the best of shape, she ain't exactly fine, and she forgets to breathe sometimes so we're not talking genetic perfection here, get over it. If you don't like me talking about yo mama, leave a comment and tell me about my mama. C'mon bring it on.

By numbsain...He's a mother too. In fact he's his own mother. Now that was a difficult delivery!

Don't forget to take a gander at our many other yo mama jokes:

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/11/yo-mama-jokes-2012.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/02/yo-mamas-so-stupid-shes-at-loss-for.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/01/numbsain-lets-fly-on-yo-mamaagain.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mamas-are-so-phat.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mama-2012-part-2-yo-mamas-had-it-now.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/10/yo-momma-jokesso-stupid-even-yo-momma.htm

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Yo Mama Jokes 2012

 
Yo mama so poor she tries to social network on an etch-a-sketch.

Yo mama's so stupid when she fills out "date of birth" she puts "it's complicated."

Yo mamas so poor a bum asked her for spare change so she robbed him.

Yo mama's so poor that you opened your lunchbox and saw she ate most of your sandwich…and stole your thermos.

Yo mama's so poor she she fights the dog for your table scraps.

Yo mama's so stupid she peed in the car pool.

Yo mama’s so poor she cuts the crust off your sandwich and uses it for the meat inside.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw Macy’s was having a white sale and said, “I'll take two.”

Yo mama’s so poor, on Christmas eve she rewraps the same presents she stole for you last year and resells them to you.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a sign in the store, “All pants half off” so she pulled hers down to her knees.

Yo mama’s so stupid she tried to occupy walmart

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a street sign, “Stop Ahead” so she got out to look for it.

Yo mama’s so fat she could occupy Wall Street.

Yo mama’s so stupid she spent the food money on beer so she could recycle the cans for cash.

Yo mama’s so poor she beat you up and stole your lunch money.

Yo mama’s so poor she only turns the refrigerator on when there’s food in it.

Yo mama’s so poor she goes to the supermarket just to browse.

Yo mama’s so stupid she traded her teeth for a box of granola.

Yo mama’s so unattractive she can’t even turn on a light.

Yo mama’s so ugly she can’t even attract flies.

Yo mama’s so poor she rents out your room while you're at school.

Yo mama’s so stupid she asked for Reader’s Chew and Reader’s Swallow before she would look at Reader’s Digest. We didn’t ask what she wanted to read after that.

Yo mama’s so stupid she took a can of mace to bed in case she had a bad dream.

Yo mama’s so stupid she wouldn’t bring Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben into
the house cause it was too messy for relatives.

Yo mama’s so poor she wouldn’t let you date, talkin’ ’bout, “Why sell the cow when we gettin’ milk for free?”

Yo mama's so stupid she tilted back Jennifer Lo-Pez' head and tried to pull one out of her neck.

Back-Handed Yo Mama Jokes

Yo mama’s so beautiful she was approached by some photographers to be on the cover of the SPCA newsletter.

Yo mama's so smart she learned to rollover and beg in one day.

Yo mama's so great that when she laid out on the beach some conservationists tried to push her back out to sea.

Yo mama's so classy the when she goes to Europe she stays at the Paris Hilton.

Yo mama's such a good housekeeper that every time she divorces she keeps the house.

Yo mama's such a champion she won best heifer in show at the county fair.

Yo mama's so smart she won Student of the Month in Special Ed class.


That's all I have to say about yo mama this time but if you've heard or made up a good yo mama joke feel free to leave a comment and give my mama your best shot. C'mon, bring it on. Show me what you got! You got somethin' to say about my mama?...Yeah, I didn't think so...


For more sick & twisted yo mama jokes click on these links:

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/02/yo-mamas-so-stupid-shes-at-loss-for.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/01/numbsain-lets-fly-on-yo-mamaagain.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mamas-are-so-phat.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mama-2012-part-2-yo-mamas-had-it-now.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/10/yo-momma-jokesso-stupid-even-yo-momma.html

Some of these will get you in big trouble with people who have really stupid, fat, ugly mama's.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

This Is Exactly Why I Don't Call My Mother

by numbsain

Ronnie?

Whattaya mean who is it? It’s ya motha. Did you fuhget ya had a motha?

Well ya nevuh cawll so I thought maybe ya fuhgot ya had a…

Well but ya nevuh cawll, and ya know, Gladys’s son, he cawlls his motha every day.

His motha is Gladys, who do ya think his motha is? if he’s her son than she’s his…

What early? It’s eight thirty. You have to be at school in a half…

Oh yeah, Satuhday. I fuhgot about Satuhday being a no…

Huh? I’m always up at this hour.

Well I nevuh sleep. No I haven’t slept since...

No nevuh, I have too much to worry about what with the...

I know, I know, but maybe if you cawlled occasionally then…

Oh, nothing.

No really it’s not impawtant.

No, no, I can see you don’t want to listen to my problems.

Oh it can wait, I’ll let you go…

Really it’s not too early?

I’m not bothering you?

‘Cause I don’t wanna be a burden to…

Oh, of cawse I am. I’m old. Nobody needs an old woman…

Oh sure. Then how come ya nevuh cawll?

I know what I am. Yestuhdays news.

No I’m not impawtant to any...

OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! THE CAT’S ON FIRE! OH MY GOD HE’S RUNNING! HARRY PUT HIM OUT! WHATTAYA MEAN HOW? GET SOME WAWTUH! THE VASE! THE VASE! THROW IT ON HIM! QUICK, HE’S BURNING UP! THROW THE WAWTUH!…OH,YOU MISSED! YOU IDIOT! OH GOD THE DRAPES! HE’S CAUGHT THE DRAPES ON FIRE! PUT OUT THE DRAPES! NOW THE CAT STUPID! PUT OUT THE CAT!…YOU MISSED AGAIN! WHAT IS WRAWNG WITH YOU? THE POOR THING IS SUFFERING! LOOK AT HIM RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES! GET MAW WAWTUH! HURRY! OH MY GAWD! It's over…

Nevuh mind, Harry, it’s too late. Poor thing…What a shame. A perfectly good cat, burnt to a crisp…No you've done enough...What did we pay fuh that cat?…Y’know yaw daughtuh loved that cat. Now look at him…And the slip cover I made—ruined. Why did he have to die on the couch. Oi vey…And the drapes. Guten himmel...With the Silverman’s coming tomorrow. Take ‘im outside or something. No 409 won’t get that out. No just take him out in the…No, he’s not meowing. That’s just gas in his lungs. No, I’m telling you, it’s just a reflex. He’s not meowing. That would be harrible…

OH GAWD HE’S MEOWING! DO SOMETHING, HARRY!…KILL HIM!…JUST STOMP ON HIS HEAD!…WELL THEN USE SOMETHING ELSE FUH GAWDS SAKE! PUT HIM OUT OF HIS… THE VASE! HIT ‘IM WITH THE VASE!…NO, ON THE HEAD YOU IDIOT! NO HARDUH STUPID! HARDUH!!! GIVE IT TO ME! LIKE THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS!!! THERE! He’s dead now…

Oi gevalt, rest in peace. Put him in a bag and bury ‘im in the back yahd. Oh gawd now I’ve got a splitting headache. You really can't just do one simple thing I ask you to do, can you Harry?
My whole day is ruined…oh!

Ronnie are you still there?

What? Oh, no…Heavens no.

No it was just the..the vacuum cleanuh.

Yeah, no he’s fine.

Sure, no he’s fine too.

It was just nothing. Everyones fine heah.

Listen yaw busy I’m gonna let you go.

Oh no it’s okay.

Don’t worry about it.

Really it’s fine.

I’ll let you go.

No it doesn’t mattuh.

I’ll tawk to you some othuh time.

Yeah.

Sure.

Okay.

I will.

you too.

take care.

I know.

Uh huh.

He will.

I’ll tell ‘im.

You too.

Okay.

Take care.

Dress warm.

I love you too.

Bye-bye.

Uh-huh.

I will.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Uh-huh

Bye.

[click]

by Numbsain