AWFULLY AWESOME FORTUNE COOKIES

 Isn't that just despicable? The day Chinese restaurants start advertising smut in fortune cookies is the day I stop looking online for smut advertisments. Fortune cookies are a tradition that dates back to when they first started making fortune cookies, and the wisdom found in these edible oracles has helped millions find the path to their true destinies. Well I suppose if it's your true destiny you can't exactly avoid it. But it's nice to have the reassurance along the way of a reliable, trusted authority...cookies. Especially ones that don't taste very good because you figure it's gotta have some purpose. Although that doesn't explain the little doily underneath dim sum that just gets all soggy and you can't tell if you're supposed to eat it or not until it's too late.

 I hope you enjoyed these fortunes because I had to eat a lot of bad Chinese food to get them. One place was called "Human Restaurant" but there was a typo on the sign so it said "Hunan." I guess it's easy to mess up the translations. but it didn't taste like human at all, it tasted more like chicken. So I tried to get my money back but they said, "yu dam foo, wai yu so dum, wee noh hav hyu man, yu mus goh nao!" which I assume means, "Sorry no refunds."

By Numbsain...hee sum dum gai.

Misfortune Cookies...a fresh batch.

I was eating at my favorite Chinese restaurant all last week so I could get some more fortune cookies for my blog. Monday I had Sum Fat Kow and a dish called Mai Shu that was kind of leathery. Tuesday I ate Thousand-Year-Old Egg Foo Young. Wednesday I was broke so the waiter recommended No Foo Fo Yu and Yu Go Dum Guy which I didn't care for. I ended up having General Ko's Chicken (He left and didn't finish it). Thursday I hit the dumpster in the back for some One-Thousand-Year-and-Three-Days-Old Egg foo Young which must have gone bad because it made me sick—funny how, after a thousand years, three days makes a difference—But it was still tasty. Friday I got my paycheck so i ate inside again and had Three Taste Seafood which was disappointing cause I had three tastes and they took it away! So I ordered the Egg Drop Soup but I had to scoop it up off the floor. The Twice Cooked Pork was a little undercooked so I had them make me Thrice Cooked Pork and by the time it got to me it tasted a little like the One-Thousand-Year-Old Egg-Foo-Young. But I got the fortunes...unfortunately...

  
I got the feeling they didn't like me at that Chinese restaurant so I asked them where I could buy a bag of the cookies. They said you can't buy these cookies 'cause they make them special just for me. Guess I was wrong.

By Numbsain...He was born the year of the star-bellied sneetch.

Fortune Cookies Then and Then.

The Chinese tradition of ending each meal with a cookie containing a fortune dates back to prehistoric times before the development of written language. Cookies made of mashed midget pulp were fitted with a tiny device upon which a short rap style song was recorded and activated by biting the cookie. Fortunes usually consisted of buttering up the guest about what a playa pimp he is. Or for the women it was about how fine her booty was and how lucky she was to live to be gang raped another day. These fortunes were believed to bring good luck to the person if they survived the meal which usually consisted of bamboo shoots and uncooked Rhamphorynchus meat marinated in a fermented soy bean sauce made by the Kikkoman of the tribe.

Later, with the development of written language the fortunes were simply typeset in arial bold on a piece of  paper and threaded into the cookie which was made from whole grain lizard flour and high fructose corn syrup. The tradition grew in popularity as meals became increasingly survivable. But the fortunes became rude and insulting. Here are some examples.

 

Often fights would break out after the fortune reading ceremony and all the dinner guests would be killed with butter knives and forks which were traditionally inserted into the jugular vein. Today in the civilized world fortune cookies are viewed as entertainment and rarely result in violence or death. However they are usually tasteless and inedible due to a shortage of fresh lizard meal.

by Numbsain...Confucius say, "wtf?"