Yo Mama Jokes "Readers" Hall of Fame 2012

Welcome to the
“First Annual Numbsain’s Unwind Yo Mama Jokes 2012 Readers Hall of Fame”
Where YOU write the jokes and I laugh! We’ve got some good ones here from folks all over the world, and some I suspect from other planets. But we all have one thing in common, we love insulting yo mama. Of course we don’t really hate mamas because, after all without mamas we’d have no one to spit on a tissue and wipe our faces with it when it’s dirty. But since nobody’s mama would ever read this blog, who better to pick on? so without further ado...


reedykurtis12721 gave us these two:

Yo mama is so stupid she got locked in walmart and starved.
yo mama is so stupid she brought a spoon to the superbowl.

Thank you reedy!

 
TROPICAL NEON shouted:

YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WE NEEDED A COMPASS TO FIND HER BUTTHOLE NAH NOT EVEN YO MAMA IS SOOO FAT WEN SHE WENT TO DA BEACH ALL THE WHALES STARED TO SING WE R FAMILY EVEN THOUGH U FATTA DEN ME DATS A JOKE.

Well he didn’t have to yell and he should learn about periods but we love him anyway cause he’s funny. thank you TROPICAL NEON! Oh by the way, trop, just curious, but why were you trying to find my mama’s butthole?



gregr brang us this one:

yo mama teeth is so yellow, cars slow down.
Thank you gregr, except for one thing. My mama ain’t got no teeth.



donneia had this to say:

yo mama lips so big when she wanted to kiss her bf she swalled his head O_O
Hey, donneia, you DO know my mama! Hahahahaha he deserved it. (Doesn’t donneia look pretty with those big eyes of hers? She should smile more though.)



Yo momma herself wrote in and said:

yo mamma so fat when she jumped in the air she got stuck.

Well she should know. Thank you uh, mom.



Conrad was really pushin’ his luck when he said:

Yo Momma so stupid she bookmarked this website.

hmf! I think she was smart.



Angelonfire sent in this original joke:

yo mama so fat when i was sitting on the end of the couch she sat on the other edge she made me go fly across the room.

Good one, Angel. You ARE on fire!



ddawesumness wrote in and said:

yo mama so old wen i asked her 4 her id she gave me a rock.
Thank you dd, that was one of my favorites.



trey jhonson offered this gem:

yo mama is so stupid she shoved a phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.

Excellent! Thank you trey.



regina wrote in and had the nerve to say:

these are the stupidest jokes there not a bit funny
heres a real joke .........
yo mama so old when god said let there be light she was there to hit the switch!!!!!!!!
now thats hilarious mmmm bahhhahahahahahahahah .........shaking my head!!!!!!!!!

Hmk!…No I’m not laughing cause I’m mad at regina. Not just because she said my jokes weren’t funny but also she uses too many exclamation marks! Save some for the rest of us, girl!...Hmk!...Hah…hahaHAHAHA! But she cracks me up! Bahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!! Oops!



random comes in all slick and says:

yo mamas so fat when she went on her scale her phone number came up!
now thats a joke.

Oh it is is it? Good thing, random, cause my mama ain’t that fat!



Tannerb wrote in and shared these two original jokes which he wrote himself. A lot of people try to steal his jokes but that’s just cause they ain’t no tannerb. He says:

yo mamma so old when moses parted the red sea she was on the other side fishin' and heres another yo mama so old when she was born the dead sea just started gettin sick.

Hahaha I love that one. Nice work tannerb, you the shizzizzney!



And then we have this lovely offering from little sam:

any one who posts on this site likes to suk my dik.
yo mama a bi**h

Aawww isn’t that sweet? Little sam, couldn’t be more the 3 foot nothin and he took his pacifier out of his mouth just to say those kind words. Thank you sammy-poo!



emily came on and sent us this classic:

yo mamas teeth is so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles.
Thanks Em, I like they way you told that one.



This one is from john:

yo mamas so nasty when i asked her whats for dinner she opened her legs and said crabs.

You so nasty. I bet when john goes to McDonalds he orders the Big 'N' Nasty.



Frankster 28 comes in and lays four good ones on us in a row just like that Bam!  Bam! Bam! Bam!:

Yo mama so fat that her blood type is rockyrode
Yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car
Yo mama so short she hand glides on Doritos chips
Yo mama is like a vacume cleaner she blows, she sucks and gets laid in the closet
Woah! Thank you Frankster28!



And thank all of you for reading my blog and sharing your funny-ass yo mama jokes with us. I can’t pick a winner out of everyone because all y'all are winners. Every last one of you. even my little buddy sam. (Aw isn’t he cute? When he was a baby his first words were, “Ah go f*ck yerself, beeyotch!” I’ll bet he can name any brand of soap just by the taste.) You all should write blogs of your own and make up all your own jokes and show the world just how funny you are. And when you do send me a link and I’ll come and comment on YOUR blog.


By the readers of numbsain's unwind...who will one day take over my blog and maybe make it worth reading!

Driver's Psychology Test

This accident was the result of the motorcyclist's mistaken belief in the non-existence of cars.

This fatal accident involved three extremely large women acting all crazy as extremely large women are known to do.

It has been proven that car accidents are the number one cause of highway fatalities and that 99% of those accidents are caused by the drivers of the very same vehicles crashing into each other. The other one percent are caused by women flashing their tits along the side of the road. In fact seeing tits along the side of the road is one of the few legitimate defenses in vehicular manslaughter cases.

In an effort to reduce the number of fatal accidents on the highways, Numbsain's Unwind, with it's staff of experts in the field of driver psychology, has been asked to create a test to help the Department of Motor Vehicles determine the safety of those to whom they issue licenses. Here's an exclusive sneak preview of the test. Shhhh! Don't tell the DMV.

This driver was a victim of false advertising by the pharmacy.

1. For what purpose do you usually drive your vehicle?
a. To commute to and from work, or to go shopping.
b. To feel the freedom and exhilaration of the open road.
c. To create rush hour traffic jams by deliberately blocking open lanes going really slow.
d. To break the world speed record for driving in heavy traffic.

2. In what state do you operate your vehicle?
a. California
b. Nevada
c. A state of abject terror.


3. What type of vehicle do you own?
a. A modest mid-sized sedan.
b. A monster truck that takes up two lanes and spews black smoke when idling.
c. A tricycle.

4. What is your penis/breast size?
a. Average.
b. Ginourmous—people gasp when they/it are/is revealed.
c. Dinky and pathetic.

5. What type of person usually owns the vehicle you wish you owned?
a. Upstanding hard-working people who have earned what they have.
b. Lucky sons-of-bitches with rich parents who never did an honest days work in their lives.
c. The type of person you would like to get to know.
d. The type of person you would like to kill slowly and watch them suffer.

6. What type of driver do you consider yourself to be?
a. Flirtatious
b. Passionate
c. Tolerant
d. Impatient
e. Panicky
f. Flamboyant

7. How do you generally feel when you are driving?
a. Nauseated
b. Misty
c. Entitled
d. Fanciful
e. Invincible
f. Suicidal

8. Which best describes you when you are driving?
a. King of the road.
b. Queen of the road.
c. Joker of the road.
d. Kill of the road.

9. What personal quality makes you MORE entitled to the road than other drivers?
a. Your devastating good looks.
b. Your Ph.D in veterinary psychology.
c. Your child’s Student of the Month status at Jefferson Elementary School.
d. Your ability to chew gum, and understand the needs of your fellow man, simultaneously.

10. Most people pull over immediately when a police car is behind them with the red lights flashing. Under what circumstance(s) would you choose to evade the police?
a. When the police officers appear to be jacked up on donuts.
b. When the liquor store is about to close.
c. When you're coming from the sperm bank with a car full of teenaged girls who accidentally opened the bottle filled with your sperm and spilled it in their vaginas.
d. When you're not sure if the junkie hitchhikers you picked up earlier left their needles and mostly empty bags of heroin in the back seat, or if they’re dead back there.

11. When involved in a high speed road race and you are side by side with the other driver, which of the following are they most likely to see when they look at you?
a. You leaning forward, white knuckled with a look of intense concentration.
b. You scratching your head looking down at a map with the dome light on.
c. You eating a plate of spaghetti with a glass of wine in your steering hand.
d. You holding a poodle and rocking his head side to side making kissy faces. 

12. Most people try to obey traffic laws. Under what circumstance(s) does driving become an all-out, anything goes, free-for-all?
a. Your birthday.
b. When you have to go to the bathroom.
c. When you are being descended upon by alien spacecraft
d. At 4am during the police shift change.

13. When you’ve hit a pedestrian and they are still alive, which of the following do you do?
a. Back up over them again and make sure they are dead, then leave quickly
b. Call the police and wait with the victim until the ambulance arrives.

c. Call your therapist and try to talk through your guilt feelings.

d. Get as far away as you can, and get your vehicle repainted as soon as possible.
e. Stand over them and ask them how it feels to be crushed under the wheels of a vehicle driven by the nerdy little kid you bullied in grade school, but all growed up now. Then piss all over them and drop a lit match expecting them to burst into flames.

This driver asked for directions and was told to go to hell.

14. When you drive off a 300 ft. cliff and are free-falling through mid air towards the ground below, which of the following do you do?
a. Turn your wheels in the direction of the ground and press the brakes lightly.
b. Call the police, tell them where you will impact, and wait for them to arrive.
c. Check the seatbelts of child passengers and secure any loose objects in vehicle.
d. Finish your beer and say as much of the Lords Prayer as you have time for.
e. Open all windows to let some fresh air in and put some nice music on the radio.

15. When you are driving a stolen vehicle, with no license, and warrants, and you are pulled over, which of the following describes your attitude toward the officer?
a. Polite and courteous.
b. Familiar and raucous.
c. Sarcastic and snide.
d. Coquettish and flirty.
e. Innocent and choir-boy-like.

16. When cussing out another driver, which of the following types of verbal abuse would you most likely use?
a. Smug, superior sarcasm with subtle, belittling digs, and snipes.
b. Pure unbridled vitriol and unrestrained, mouth-foaming, fist-waving rage.
c. Personal attacks to their character, social status and physical endowment.
d. Moral judgements, preachy condemnation, and manipulative guilt trips.
e. logical inquiries as to their decisions and motives in choosing you, of all people, to fuck with today, of all days.

17. When driving 80 mph in a 25 mph school zone when children are present, and you see a ball roll out into the street, what do you do?
a. honk the horn to warn children of your approach.
b. swerve to avoid the ball.
c. Slam on the brakes.
d. question your values and try to go to church more often.

18. When a beggar approaches your vehicle asking for money, which of the following are you most likely to do?

a. Roll up the windows, lock the doors and look straight ahead like a scared robot.
b. Fish around in your pockets until the light changes, shrug and say, “Sorry.”
c. Turn the radio up really loud and sing along angrily while glaring at them.
d. Hand them a quarter, and then give them the ghetto handshake acting as if you’re their “homey” and you’ve “been there, bro, so you know what it’s like." Then slowly drive off in your lamborghini.

 19. If you were involved in a fatal car accident in which their were no survivors, what would you say to the police when they arrived on the scene
?
a. It's okay officers everyone here is dead so there's no need to worry about saving anyone.
b. CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO? I'M RIGHT HERE, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE OR HEAR ME?
c. ...
d. BOOOoooooooOOOOooooo, WooooooOOOOOooo, BoooooOOOOO. Are you scared? Huh? Huh? Are ya? BOOOOOOOOooooooOOOO! Nothin' eh?

Fortunately this shot was taken with a steady-cam which completely cushioned the impact of the log and prevented the drivers head from being flattened and imbedded into the head rest.

If you wish you may enter in the results of your test into the comments box below but it really won't tell anyone anything because we were just bullshitting the DMV. We don't know a damn thing about driver psychology and we feel that car accidents are all a part of the natural selection process that keeps humans at the top of the food chain.

By Numbsain...He drives like a maniac, but a courteous maniac.

Misfortune Cookies...a fresh batch.

I was eating at my favorite Chinese restaurant all last week so I could get some more fortune cookies for my blog. Monday I had Sum Fat Kow and a dish called Mai Shu that was kind of leathery. Tuesday I ate Thousand-Year-Old Egg Foo Young. Wednesday I was broke so the waiter recommended No Foo Fo Yu and Yu Go Dum Guy which I didn't care for. I ended up having General Ko's Chicken (He left and didn't finish it). Thursday I hit the dumpster in the back for some One-Thousand-Year-and-Three-Days-Old Egg foo Young which must have gone bad because it made me sick—funny how, after a thousand years, three days makes a difference—But it was still tasty. Friday I got my paycheck so i ate inside again and had Three Taste Seafood which was disappointing cause I had three tastes and they took it away! So I ordered the Egg Drop Soup but I had to scoop it up off the floor. The Twice Cooked Pork was a little undercooked so I had them make me Thrice Cooked Pork and by the time it got to me it tasted a little like the One-Thousand-Year-Old Egg-Foo-Young. But I got the fortunes...unfortunately...

  
I got the feeling they didn't like me at that Chinese restaurant so I asked them where I could buy a bag of the cookies. They said you can't buy these cookies 'cause they make them special just for me. Guess I was wrong.

By Numbsain...He was born the year of the star-bellied sneetch.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...Without Laughing

 It's never easy telling someone it's over. The betrayal, the heartbreak, the alimoney. It's one of the worst feelings in life. Why then, you may ask, is it the subject of a humor blog? Read these break up letters and you'll see.

Dear Carlos,
I wanted to tell you this in person but I couldn’t bare it. You know I love you and I wanted more than anything to be Mrs. Carlos Diaz. But I could not have lived with the embarrassment of being your wife. It’s not you. I love you and I love the whole Diaz family and there’s nothing wrong with you or even your name. Diaz is a beautiful, noble name and any girl would be proud to have it. Except me. You understand why don’t you. It’s nothing wrong with me or my name either it’s just when you put the two together that it’s a problem. It would just be too embarrassing. I couldn’t go through life like that. Please try to forgive me. I’m so sorry Carlos please tell Mr. and Mrs. Diaz senior I never meant to hurt you or anyone in the Diaz family. Farewell.

Love, Doomian

P.S. Don't try to hook up with my sister, Scroomian either.

ˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆ

My Dearest Louie & Rickie,

These past few months have been the most wonderful of my life!!! You both make me feel so loved!!!! I never knew life could be so great with conjoined twins!!!!! It’s just so exciting!!!!!!#!.·¨ˆ’·.\· //.·..\.·.i¡·./_.··… . .  .   .    . Darn it@ I just broke my exclamation mark key&&& DAMN### Anyway, I think you two are a perfect 10% And the fact that you’re rich means nothing to me??? I love you for who you are$$$ (Look, just assume there are a lot of exclamation marks after every sentence) I know it’s not easy being conjoined at the back but look at the bright side, at least you’re both oriented the same way. I admit all the attention is a bit much but you do have your shit together so I get a little time to myself. 

Which brings me to my point. I know you two feel you need to get in touch with your roots and move back to Siam. I would go with you in a heartbeat but I’m just not happy living someplace where I'm a foreigner and in Siam I am. So I feel the three of us should separate, well not you two obviously, but, well, you know what I mean.

Love, Linda

ˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆ

Dear Brucie,

Darling, I have something to tell you, and it will come as a shock. We’ve been dating on the internet for 3 months now and I know you’ve fallen deeply in love with me. With my big blue eyes and long blonde hair. I know you're ready to take it to the next level and meet me in person because you can’t wait to hold my petite little body in your arms and touch my perky 22-year-old breasts and squeeze my tight firm tush just like we talk about all the time. Tee hee! Baby, I want you to do that to me too! And I’d love to finally meet, but there’s just one teensy weensy problem, honey buns. You see, I’m a 300 lb, 53-year-old man named Kevin. I'm really sorry pooky!

Do you think maybe we could just continue as we’ve been with me sending you naked pictures of my daughter?  I know what you’re thinking: why can’t you just meet my daughter, right? Well you wouldn’t like her. For some reason she’s really messed up in the head. Sorry, my darling

Love, Trixie, er I mean Kevin XOXOXO