Driver's Psychology Test

This accident was the result of the motorcyclist's mistaken belief in the non-existence of cars.

This fatal accident involved three extremely large women acting all crazy as extremely large women are known to do.

It has been proven that car accidents are the number one cause of highway fatalities and that 99% of those accidents are caused by the drivers of the very same vehicles crashing into each other. The other one percent are caused by women flashing their tits along the side of the road. In fact seeing tits along the side of the road is one of the few legitimate defenses in vehicular manslaughter cases.

In an effort to reduce the number of fatal accidents on the highways, Numbsain's Unwind, with it's staff of experts in the field of driver psychology, has been asked to create a test to help the Department of Motor Vehicles determine the safety of those to whom they issue licenses. Here's an exclusive sneak preview of the test. Shhhh! Don't tell the DMV.

This driver was a victim of false advertising by the pharmacy.

1. For what purpose do you usually drive your vehicle?
a. To commute to and from work, or to go shopping.
b. To feel the freedom and exhilaration of the open road.
c. To create rush hour traffic jams by deliberately blocking open lanes going really slow.
d. To break the world speed record for driving in heavy traffic.

2. In what state do you operate your vehicle?
a. California
b. Nevada
c. A state of abject terror.


3. What type of vehicle do you own?
a. A modest mid-sized sedan.
b. A monster truck that takes up two lanes and spews black smoke when idling.
c. A tricycle.

4. What is your penis/breast size?
a. Average.
b. Ginourmous—people gasp when they/it are/is revealed.
c. Dinky and pathetic.

5. What type of person usually owns the vehicle you wish you owned?
a. Upstanding hard-working people who have earned what they have.
b. Lucky sons-of-bitches with rich parents who never did an honest days work in their lives.
c. The type of person you would like to get to know.
d. The type of person you would like to kill slowly and watch them suffer.

6. What type of driver do you consider yourself to be?
a. Flirtatious
b. Passionate
c. Tolerant
d. Impatient
e. Panicky
f. Flamboyant

7. How do you generally feel when you are driving?
a. Nauseated
b. Misty
c. Entitled
d. Fanciful
e. Invincible
f. Suicidal

8. Which best describes you when you are driving?
a. King of the road.
b. Queen of the road.
c. Joker of the road.
d. Kill of the road.

9. What personal quality makes you MORE entitled to the road than other drivers?
a. Your devastating good looks.
b. Your Ph.D in veterinary psychology.
c. Your child’s Student of the Month status at Jefferson Elementary School.
d. Your ability to chew gum, and understand the needs of your fellow man, simultaneously.

10. Most people pull over immediately when a police car is behind them with the red lights flashing. Under what circumstance(s) would you choose to evade the police?
a. When the police officers appear to be jacked up on donuts.
b. When the liquor store is about to close.
c. When you're coming from the sperm bank with a car full of teenaged girls who accidentally opened the bottle filled with your sperm and spilled it in their vaginas.
d. When you're not sure if the junkie hitchhikers you picked up earlier left their needles and mostly empty bags of heroin in the back seat, or if they’re dead back there.

11. When involved in a high speed road race and you are side by side with the other driver, which of the following are they most likely to see when they look at you?
a. You leaning forward, white knuckled with a look of intense concentration.
b. You scratching your head looking down at a map with the dome light on.
c. You eating a plate of spaghetti with a glass of wine in your steering hand.
d. You holding a poodle and rocking his head side to side making kissy faces. 

12. Most people try to obey traffic laws. Under what circumstance(s) does driving become an all-out, anything goes, free-for-all?
a. Your birthday.
b. When you have to go to the bathroom.
c. When you are being descended upon by alien spacecraft
d. At 4am during the police shift change.

13. When you’ve hit a pedestrian and they are still alive, which of the following do you do?
a. Back up over them again and make sure they are dead, then leave quickly
b. Call the police and wait with the victim until the ambulance arrives.

c. Call your therapist and try to talk through your guilt feelings.

d. Get as far away as you can, and get your vehicle repainted as soon as possible.
e. Stand over them and ask them how it feels to be crushed under the wheels of a vehicle driven by the nerdy little kid you bullied in grade school, but all growed up now. Then piss all over them and drop a lit match expecting them to burst into flames.

This driver asked for directions and was told to go to hell.

14. When you drive off a 300 ft. cliff and are free-falling through mid air towards the ground below, which of the following do you do?
a. Turn your wheels in the direction of the ground and press the brakes lightly.
b. Call the police, tell them where you will impact, and wait for them to arrive.
c. Check the seatbelts of child passengers and secure any loose objects in vehicle.
d. Finish your beer and say as much of the Lords Prayer as you have time for.
e. Open all windows to let some fresh air in and put some nice music on the radio.

15. When you are driving a stolen vehicle, with no license, and warrants, and you are pulled over, which of the following describes your attitude toward the officer?
a. Polite and courteous.
b. Familiar and raucous.
c. Sarcastic and snide.
d. Coquettish and flirty.
e. Innocent and choir-boy-like.

16. When cussing out another driver, which of the following types of verbal abuse would you most likely use?
a. Smug, superior sarcasm with subtle, belittling digs, and snipes.
b. Pure unbridled vitriol and unrestrained, mouth-foaming, fist-waving rage.
c. Personal attacks to their character, social status and physical endowment.
d. Moral judgements, preachy condemnation, and manipulative guilt trips.
e. logical inquiries as to their decisions and motives in choosing you, of all people, to fuck with today, of all days.

17. When driving 80 mph in a 25 mph school zone when children are present, and you see a ball roll out into the street, what do you do?
a. honk the horn to warn children of your approach.
b. swerve to avoid the ball.
c. Slam on the brakes.
d. question your values and try to go to church more often.

18. When a beggar approaches your vehicle asking for money, which of the following are you most likely to do?

a. Roll up the windows, lock the doors and look straight ahead like a scared robot.
b. Fish around in your pockets until the light changes, shrug and say, “Sorry.”
c. Turn the radio up really loud and sing along angrily while glaring at them.
d. Hand them a quarter, and then give them the ghetto handshake acting as if you’re their “homey” and you’ve “been there, bro, so you know what it’s like." Then slowly drive off in your lamborghini.

 19. If you were involved in a fatal car accident in which their were no survivors, what would you say to the police when they arrived on the scene
?
a. It's okay officers everyone here is dead so there's no need to worry about saving anyone.
b. CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO? I'M RIGHT HERE, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE OR HEAR ME?
c. ...
d. BOOOoooooooOOOOooooo, WooooooOOOOOooo, BoooooOOOOO. Are you scared? Huh? Huh? Are ya? BOOOOOOOOooooooOOOO! Nothin' eh?

Fortunately this shot was taken with a steady-cam which completely cushioned the impact of the log and prevented the drivers head from being flattened and imbedded into the head rest.

If you wish you may enter in the results of your test into the comments box below but it really won't tell anyone anything because we were just bullshitting the DMV. We don't know a damn thing about driver psychology and we feel that car accidents are all a part of the natural selection process that keeps humans at the top of the food chain.

By Numbsain...He drives like a maniac, but a courteous maniac.

Numbsain Lets Fly On YO MAMA...AGAIN!

Look at cute little Tinkerbell. How could you have sex with such a tiny little thing? I mean she fits in the palm of your hand...oh...OH THAT'S DISGUSTING!

You may be wondering why I make so many disparaging remarks about yo mama. Especially since I don't even know yo mama.  But here's the thing. Yo mama can’t say "no" to anybody. A salesman came to your apartment and sold yo mama homeowners insurance…and then she gave him a bj too! and as if that weren't enough, she’s outside changing his oil right now. I mean lets face it, she's a pushover. She wears a pushover bra. Yo daddy doesn't even try to hide the fact that he cheats on her, he just brings girls home, gets in bed with yo mama sleepin' in it and pushes her over. She can't say no. She switches long distance providers three times a week, and as of yesterday you guys have converted to Jehovahs Witnesses. You never even heard of Jehovah much less winessed him! So that's why I have no qualms about saying:

Yo mama’s so fat when she strolls on the boardwalk she gets splinters in her ass cheeks.

Yo mama’s so fat her breasts are in different time zones.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she gets her period she puts a band-aid on it.

Yo mama’s so stupid instead of changing your dirty diapers she just turned them inside out.

Yo mama’s so fat she doesn’t need a desk.

Yo mama’s so fat that, to feed her, you fill her cleavage with food and then stand on her nipples and sweep it in with a push broom.

Yo mama’s so fat that she got in the jacuzzi and the pumps all exploded

Yo mama’s so fat when she got up from the toilet she ripped it out of the floor…we found it in the kitchen.

Yo mama’s so stupid she needed a password of 8 characters so she put “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

Yo mama’s so stupid when you saw her kissing Santa Claus she paid you not to tell your daddy.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the recipe said check it with a meat thermometer she asked “where’s the asshole on a meatloaf?”

Yo mama’s so stupid she caught your daddy jacking off and accused him of cheatin’ on her with Tinkerbell.

Yo mama’s so stupid she called you to ask you for your phone number.

Yo mama’s so stupid she agreed to screw her boss everyday if he would stop sexually harrassing her.

Yo mama’s so stupid she bought a book called “how to read”…for dummies.

Yo mama’s so stupid she buys edible panties and eats them out of the box.

Yo mama’s so stupid she wouldn’t take an escalator because she thought it was a waste of stairs.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ran out of gas so she pushed the car to the gas station, parked it and walked home.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had a flat tire, and when the highway patrol stopped he found her down on her knees with her lips on the valve huffing and puffing…So he told her she had the wrong valve...And remember i told you she can't say no? Uh-huh, say no more.

Yo mama’s so fat your daddy thinks he’s havin’ a threesome.

Yo mama’s so stupid she put you on a leash when you were little…That’s not so bad? But when you said you had to go potty she stopped at a fire hydrant, turned around and looked the other way.

Yo mama’s so stupid she let you drink when you were 14 cause you showed her a fake ID.

Yo mama’s so stupid her idea of recycling was to make you do your paper route twice.

Yo mama’s so stupid the GOP is supporting her presidential campaign.

Yo mama’s so stupid she says, “excuse me.” when the dog farts.

Yo mama’s so stupid she has a drawer full of cash rebates that she’s saving up.


That's pretty stupid cause those things have a very limited time in which they can be redeemed. So essentially what I'm saying is: yo mama is not a smart women; not someone you would want to have pack your parachute. Speakin' of parachutes, she shouldn't have to wear one for a dress either. I'm just gonna say it, yo mama is ginormous. Just get her to cut back on the twinkies, like maybe, get her down to twelve boxes a day. That should be enough for the whole state of Iowa. So somebody the size of South Dakota should be okay with it too. But other than all that I think yo mama is perfectly fine.


by numbsain...a little constructive criticism never hurt anyone.

Numbsain's New Years Resolutions

These two people have nothing to do with this post, just ignore them.

I hate making new years resolutions because I...well, it's just so...actually I can't remember why I hate them! I guess that means I don't hate them anymore. So here they are:

 NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!

1. to stop making vague, non-specific generalizations when it comes to, y’know, stuff in general and instead actually say, like, whatever.

2 to stop soft peddling what few things some people say I do that might be considered slightly less than ideal…on those rare occasions when it looks like I might be doing that.

3. to utterly eradicate any modicum of my inherent proclivity to infuse my locutions and soliloquies with extraneous pedantic linguistic verbosity.

4. To stop being judgmental of those who clearly are not worth considering as human beings.

5. to cease and desist using cheap, dime-a-dozen, off-the-shelf clichés at the drop-of-a-hat like they’re going out of style.

6. to give credit to all the little insignificant people, whose names I can’t remember at the moment, but who have helped me.

7. To not pass gas when driving in a car full of people and the next gas station is a long distance away.

8. to stop, once and for all, from this moment forth, putting unrealistic expectations on myself and never again, as long as I live put one single unrealistic expectation on myself, period.

9. to show all living things total respect and kindness, including animals, bugs, plants, eyelash mites, bacteria, mold spores, and even LA drivers.

10. to stop being a know-it-all and telling people exactly what their problem is even though I can see it clearly and have no doubts that if these morons would only listen to me their lives would be so much better.

 NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!

Oh yeah, now I remember why I hate them. Because, as a child, I was raised by a cruel, sadistic new years resolution who beat me and kept me locked in a closet for weeks with no food or water...actually the no food or water was my idea. Well there was no toilet in the closet so...

By Numbsain...He's all talk, therefore he makes a sound.

Numbsain's New Years Resolutions was brought to you by:

Happy's Donut Repair Services...We fix everything but the hole!

Ugly's Transplant-N-Go...Any organ, free installation

Spot's People Grooming Salon...Who knows better than man's best friend?

Just Octopus, Molluskery...Try our octopus lunch special.

Oodles of Pasta...We're idiots!

R-co...Bull fiddle bows for the bass player who never walks the line.