Numbsain's New Years Resolutions

These two people have nothing to do with this post, just ignore them.

I hate making new years resolutions because I...well, it's just so...actually I can't remember why I hate them! I guess that means I don't hate them anymore. So here they are:

 NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!

1. to stop making vague, non-specific generalizations when it comes to, y’know, stuff in general and instead actually say, like, whatever.

2 to stop soft peddling what few things some people say I do that might be considered slightly less than ideal…on those rare occasions when it looks like I might be doing that.

3. to utterly eradicate any modicum of my inherent proclivity to infuse my locutions and soliloquies with extraneous pedantic linguistic verbosity.

4. To stop being judgmental of those who clearly are not worth considering as human beings.

5. to cease and desist using cheap, dime-a-dozen, off-the-shelf clichés at the drop-of-a-hat like they’re going out of style.

6. to give credit to all the little insignificant people, whose names I can’t remember at the moment, but who have helped me.

7. To not pass gas when driving in a car full of people and the next gas station is a long distance away.

8. to stop, once and for all, from this moment forth, putting unrealistic expectations on myself and never again, as long as I live put one single unrealistic expectation on myself, period.

9. to show all living things total respect and kindness, including animals, bugs, plants, eyelash mites, bacteria, mold spores, and even LA drivers.

10. to stop being a know-it-all and telling people exactly what their problem is even though I can see it clearly and have no doubts that if these morons would only listen to me their lives would be so much better.

 NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!NewYearsResoluTION!

Oh yeah, now I remember why I hate them. Because, as a child, I was raised by a cruel, sadistic new years resolution who beat me and kept me locked in a closet for weeks with no food or water...actually the no food or water was my idea. Well there was no toilet in the closet so...

By Numbsain...He's all talk, therefore he makes a sound.

Numbsain's New Years Resolutions was brought to you by:

Happy's Donut Repair Services...We fix everything but the hole!

Ugly's Transplant-N-Go...Any organ, free installation

Spot's People Grooming Salon...Who knows better than man's best friend?

Just Octopus, Molluskery...Try our octopus lunch special.

Oodles of Pasta...We're idiots!

R-co...Bull fiddle bows for the bass player who never walks the line.

Yo Mama Jokes by Numbsain

Yo mama is so ugly, she gets maced by rapists.

Yo mama is so stupid, she failed a Rorshach test.

Yo mama is so stupid, she leaves a pile of breadcrumbs behind the treadmill.

Yo mama is so stupid, she took the morning after pill the day after you were born.

Yo mama is so stupid, when your daddy said "doggy style" she fetched his slippers.

Yo mama is so stupid, she wipes her cleavage with toilet paper to make her tits bigger because worked so well on her ass.

Yo mama is so stupid, she calls you a son-of-a-bitch

Yo mama is so stupid, she had to go to rehab cause she got hooked on phonix.

Yo mama is so ugly, when the elephant man saw her he shouted; "I'm not a human being!"

Yo monkey is so ugly, we thought it was yo mama.

Yo mama is so stupid, she got medical advice from Dr. Seuss, but wanted a second opinion from Dr. Pepper.

Yo mama is so stupid, she ate two Weight Watchers dinners so she'd lose twice as much weight.

Yo mama is so stupid, she bought a years supply of fresh squeezed orange juice.

Yo mama is so stupid, she bought a book called: Yo Mama, for Dummies.

Yo mama is so stupid, she asked if her ass made her ass look fat.

Yo mama is so ugly, she asked for Cover Girl at Walgreens and they recommended Bondo from Home Depot.



Yo mama is so stupid, when she asked to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune, she asked for a “B.”

yo mama is so ugly, blind people can't stand to look at her.

Yo mama is so ugly, Jehovahs Witnesses won't knock on her door.

Yo mama is so stupid, when she went to 31 flavors, she asked how many they had.

Yo mama is so ugly, she went to get a make-over and they said she needed to start-over.

Yo mama is so stupid she fixes her make-up to watch reality TV shows,

Yo mama is so ugly, they sold her cigarettes when she was twelve so they didn't have to look at her ID.

Yo mama is so ugly, we rent her out to bulimics.

Yo mama is so ugly, she got a job sitting on the roof of a building.

yo mama is so mean, a sign on your garage says: “Beware of Mama!”

Undomesticated Partners

Letting my girlfriend move in with me was a mixed blessing...and a 100% straight up mistake. Girls are pigs! At least the kind I date. But that's totally by my choice, I can get hot chicks if I want to.

I moved in with a supermodel once. She was beautiful, rich, refined...I didn't like it though. Between her calling the police on me, pressing charges and the restraining order, I just had to tell her, “Sorry babe, you're just too high maintenance for me. Gonna have to cut you loose.” and that was it. After my sentencing, I never saw her again.

Looking back at that relationship, I see now, that I made mistakes too. I guess I should have told her I was moving in with her...or at least met her first...and not broken in to her house, waited behind the door in the dark until she came home...I wanted to surprise her with the flowers...but the vase gave her a concussion. Ah, that was a different time, a different felony.

So, my current girlfriend is a dumpy stupid trailer-trashy pig and I let her move in. (No, not Britney Spears). But it's a big change from single life. For one thing, having sex with a partner is a lot better than regular sex. But no more getting ready for work in the dark, that's for sure.

Let's see, I don't have to worry about getting a yeast infection in my teeth—They really shouldn't put Vagisil in the same sized tube as Crest.

I shouldn't have worn her thong panties instead of my tighty whiteys to work today but I didn't have time to dig through the hamper. Besides my cheeks needed flossing anyway.

The deodorant I put on almost killed me. It was strong enough for a man, sure, but the pH was totally wrong! Oh my god, lesbians kept coming up behind me going; “Oh, I love the way you don't smell.” Of course, when I turned around they left. It was the pH balance of my pits that fooled them, that and the whale tail.

Women use a lot more products than men. My shower is suddenly overrun with shampoos, conditioners... and why does she need “body wash” and “facial cleanser?”...I have one bottle of Suave. I use it for everything, mouthwash, carpet cleaner, bathroom disinfectant, windshield washer fluid... My Suave is cowering in the corner with the label half ripped off, saying, "I tried to stop them!"

And then there's the cosmetics and make-up everywhere. On the upside, I had an important meeting and I hadn't slept so I looked like hell. It's amazing what a little foundation and a touch of eyeliner will do. And Maxi Pads sure come in handy when you're out of toilet paper.

The only other woman I've ever lived with was my mother. My girlfriend is very different from mom. I was shocked when I came home and the sink was still full of dirty dishes! And the guy in the bed was not my dad! That reminded me of mom. There was a logical explanation for him being there though. She said his name was Steve and she was fooling around with him on the side...

I said, “that's cool... C'MON IN TRIXIE! MY GIRLFRIEND SAY'S IT'S OKAY!” So that was a relief. I was worried about that. I kind of forget to mention to my girlfriend that it was an open relationship. So did she apparently. So we ended up having kind of an orgy. It was really great. But after that one time, we've decided to take the relationship more seriously now and be monogamous.

Things are working out really well. We've both been faithful and I think I may be in love. Now I come home to clean dishes, dinner is ready when I walk in the door and it's always delicious, Yeah, Steve actually likes doing housework. There's still cosmetics and make-up everywhere though.

Steve's kind of like my girlfriend was in that respect. But in every other respect he's more like my mom was. Oh, except for once I came home and there was another guy in the bed...but it was my dad. So we ended up having an orgy...Just kidding! I'm not that perverted, Jeez! Of course we waited until Steve left.

by numbsain...God's gift to women...that they returned for store credit.