The Evolution of Reality TV

b

y numbsain

8:47.52 AM:
Robin is awakened by a leaf blower one block away.

Robin: (Ugh! I hate Mexicans... God I really am racist, that sucks. Shit, my arm's asleep... I gotta pee really bad.)

As she gets out of bed, she realizes her panties are kinda bunched up in her crack so she pulls them most of the way out and walks into the bathroom rubbing her eyes.

Robin: (That's weird, Eddie actually put the seat back down... )

SPLOOSH! Robin has perfect timing on her release. As she pees, she really lets one rip, it kind of hurts a little, she starts to doze off, bumps her elbow on the sink which wakes her up. She wipes, stands up, looks in the mirror, her make-up is only a little smudged, she wipes one spot with her finger and heads for the kitchen. She heard Eddie making coffee.

Robin: Morning. (Oops! I didn't know Brian was down here too. And I'm in my underwear. Yeesh! Gotta play it off I guess. I'll bet he's loving this.)

Eddie: Morning Robin. (Jesus what a tramp. Good thing Brian's gay.)

Brian: (Best thing I ever did telling Eddie I'm gay, he obviously told Robin... God she's even hotter than Jen! ...But Eddie keeps flexing in front of me... God what a dork.)

Robin: (What's that smell? nobody took out the garbage? Guess I have to...)
Robin opens the cabinet under the sink and bends over to tie the bag closed. She realizes if she ties it down there, it'll give the guys a longer look at her butt. She also keeps her knees locked.

Eddie: (Oh man, she is really being obvious.)

Robin: (This is pretty subtle...)

Brian: (DAY-YUM!!!!)

As she closes the bag a fly buzzes right by her face.

Robin: (Stupid fly! What does it think I am, white trash? Why did it almost land on my eyelid? Darn it!)

Just then Eddie farts very quietly.

Brian: (WHO JUST FARTED?!)

Robin: (WHO JUST FARTED?!)

Eddie: Haha, Who just farted?

Brian: (Oh, it was obviously Eddie.)

Robin: (Oh, it was obviously Eddie.)

Eddie: (Whew! I played that one off perfectly.)

Robin pours herself a cup of coffee in a mug that has a dried speck on it. She did the dishes last night so she pretends it's clean. She goes to take a sip but it's too hot. Eddie coughs. Brian shifts his weight onto his other foot and turns the page of the newspaper hoping he's read enough articles so that nobody will judge him for looking at the comics, which is why he picked it up. He likes "Jump Start" because its black people and he wants to be more "black." He feels he's too waspy.

1 minute 14 seconds go by where no one does anything then Robin realizes she has to pee again. She goes into the bathroom, sits down and gets her period.
Robin: (Oh great. I'm completely out of pads. ...I'm gonna use one of Eddies socks, he'll just think it got lost in the laundry... feels kind of scratchy.)

Now Robin has to put on some pants so she also puts on a skimpier top (off camera). Just then, Jen walks in from the backyard tracking mud on the floor so she calls the dog in so she'll have someone to blame it on.
Jen: Oh Bandit, your getting mud everywhere.

Bandit: (What is she stupid? Those are HER paw prints) Bark, Bark!

Bandit goes and drinks out of his bowl then nuzzles Jens crotch so she looks like she peed on herself a little. Robin comes back into the kitchen moments later and first thing she sees is that Jen peed on herself a little.

Robin: (Ugh! Blondes are so disgusting. I mean really girl, did you even wipe?) Morning Pookie!

Jen: Morning Snookums! Ooh! I love that top. (and i'm sure Eddie and Brian are diggin' it too, you slut. ...and I'm sorry but, if Brian is gay, I'm Mrs. Butterworth! It was hilarious the way his hands were shaking when I asked him to unhook my bra.)

Brian: Oh Jennifer darling, you must tell me where you got those shorts you're wearing, they're... (Shit, what would a fag say!?) ...the living end! (ooh that sucked! that didn't sound gay at all. They're on to me now for sure!)

Eddie: (God! Brian is such a fag. I wonder if he's like checking me out all the time.)

Jen: I can't remember but you wanna go in my room and I'll take them off and you can try em on? (Ha ha ha! Go ahead, try and speak now you phony...)

Brian: h-h.... h-h-h... (C'mon mouth, speak!) h-h-h... H-H-h-h.... (Jesus, I can't speak!) H-H-H-H-h-h...

You're watching Way Too Real TV—Every single boring little detail.

Cut to Commercial.

Bigots Are All Alike

by numbsain
Ah! Heah we go princess, Lou-weegee's Gawmay Cuizeen, eh? Eh? Ya like Eye-talian food don'tcha? Well don'tcha? Ya gotta eat, I mean look atcha, ya nuthin' but skin and bones fuh cryin' out loud. So you could eat, right? Right?

Y-e-e-s mother-r-r.

Uh-right. Eye-talian food is good. I hope it's not one o' them Mafia owned joints, Yaw fathuh would NEVUH go eat Eye-talian. "They're all mobsters," he'd say...

Oh Mom, please!...

Ooooh! Red cawpets! Classy joint eh?... Pahty of two please.

Spit out your gum, mother.

Uh-boy, lookit, ya see dat guy? Ya see Skah-face ovah theah? Mafia written awl over 'em. Oy vey.

Mother, he's a waiter.

Oh no, Scah-face is a hit man fuh the mob ahm tellin' ya. Look at his eyes... (bas-tuhd)

Oh, hello, ah'll have the... um, louey-gweeno crab-on-aro an' do you have Manischevitz? Oh, then just a house white, thank yew.

Oh... Moy... Gawd! Lookit, look at dis what just wawked in! It's Chahlie Chan an' the Dragon Lady. Lookit huh; She's prah-bly 95 yeahs old and she looks like she' s fawty. Dat's them Awri-entals, they nevah age. Oh, lookit what he's got! dat's not a suit case, oh no, Chahlie Chans got a machine gun in theah! Dat's the Chinese Mafia right theah, Ahm tellin' ya!

Mother you are really going too far this time! Now just stop it!

Oh... foyn! (sniff) so that's the way ya tawk to ya muthuh... (snuk) I know when I'm not wanted.

Mother please.

Naomi Lookit! ya see doze Pawtuh Reekins ovah theah? Lookit Pancho's got a box! and they keep lookin' at Shang-hai Chahlie ovah theah!

Mother!

And Scah-face ovah theah keeps lookin' at 'em too! ...Oh moy gawd! Didjoo see dat? Pancho just winked at Scah-face and theah both lookin' at da Chinaman! Honey, uh, I gotta go pow-duh my nose...

Hello is dis the police station? ...You gotta get some squad cars down to Luigi's right away! It's a shoot out!!! somethin' big is goin' down heah! Hurry!

I'm back! whud I miss? It's okay baby, yuh muthuh took care of it. ...Oy Gutten Himmel! Lookit Naomi! See dat tray? He's got a AK-fawty seven under theah. Its a HIT! Get unduh the table honey! Lookit Pancho an' his gang are gettin' up and wawkin ovah theah too! Theah gonna rub out Shang-Hai Chahlie right heah! Stay behind me baby!

Mom! what are you doing?!

AWRIGHT FREEZE YOU BASTUHDS!!! PUT DOWN THE TRAY!! YEAH YOU, SCAH-FACE OVAH THEAH! AND DROP DAT BOX, PANCHO!!! ONE FAWLSE MOVE AN' I'LL BLOW YA FRIKKEN HEADS AWF!

MOTHER!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GUN?!?!

DROP THE GUN LADY!!!

Oh, Awffisuhs, heah's my gun. Thank Gawd you got heah just in time!

Let's go lady, put 'er in the squad car. You too miss.

Is everybody okay here? You okay Luigi? ...Oh good. By the way, thanks for catering the policeman's ball the other night. You okay Mayor Gutierrez? Oh great, The new youth center is really coming together, great work there sir. Councilman Chin, I apologize for this mess, I guess she spoiled the surprise but I hope that crazy old bat didn't completely ruin your evening sir. My partner took her down to the station so there won't be any more trouble. Well if everybody's alright, mind if I stick around and sing? ...Thanks, make a wish Councilman...

HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY TO YOU...

by numbsain...he's paht Jewish y'know