Fortune Cookies Then and Then.

The Chinese tradition of ending each meal with a cookie containing a fortune dates back to prehistoric times before the development of written language. Cookies made of mashed midget pulp were fitted with a tiny device upon which a short rap style song was recorded and activated by biting the cookie. Fortunes usually consisted of buttering up the guest about what a playa pimp he is. Or for the women it was about how fine her booty was and how lucky she was to live to be gang raped another day. These fortunes were believed to bring good luck to the person if they survived the meal which usually consisted of bamboo shoots and uncooked Rhamphorynchus meat marinated in a fermented soy bean sauce made by the Kikkoman of the tribe.

Later, with the development of written language the fortunes were simply typeset in arial bold on a piece of  paper and threaded into the cookie which was made from whole grain lizard flour and high fructose corn syrup. The tradition grew in popularity as meals became increasingly survivable. But the fortunes became rude and insulting. Here are some examples.

 

Often fights would break out after the fortune reading ceremony and all the dinner guests would be killed with butter knives and forks which were traditionally inserted into the jugular vein. Today in the civilized world fortune cookies are viewed as entertainment and rarely result in violence or death. However they are usually tasteless and inedible due to a shortage of fresh lizard meal.

by Numbsain...Confucius say, "wtf?"

Bugs Are People Too! An Eyewitless Newsflinch Special Report

It’s long been considered common knowledge that insects have no emotions, are devoid of individual self awareness, and function as a “hive mind” or collective community. Though their necessity in the ecosystem is acknowledged, when found in our habitats they are simply regarded as pests and therefor we feel no guilt in exterminating them when we deem them a nuisance.

But recently scientists in the field of entomology have invented new technology which can decipher and record ultra-hi-speed brainwaves transmitted in the range in which insects communicate with each other and the findings are shocking. It turns out that insects have very complex thought patterns which resemble those of human beings. Although they “think” at a rate of speed that, to us, trivializes their importance, to an insect, these fraction-of-a-second mental manifestations can be quite significant. What this means is that we have been subjecting our fellow earth dwellers to unimaginable horrors that make the holocaust of eastern Europe seem like a mild break-out of the common cold.

In the following transcription we hear the thoughts of two houseflies recorded during a one half second stroke of a flyswatter. We’ve attributed the names Betty and Steve to the flies to protect their identities and because their real names are unpronounceable:

Steve: Well hello there! I’m Steve. Would you care to join me in consuming this nourishing feast of human fecal matter specks?

Betty: Why Steve that’s so thoughtful of you! This will be my first intake of sustenance since emerging from my larval stage. I’m Betty.

Steve: A pleasure to meet you Betty. Ah to be young again!

Betty: Yes it’s wonderful! I entered the world filled with youthful exuberance and excitement about my future! But I need the guidance of an experienced fly like you.

Steve: Well I’d be happy to take you under my wing, Betty. Any drosophila would be proud to have a sexy little fly like you by his side. You must have been a beautiful maggot.
 
Mmm! this feces looks delicious, teaming with organic sugars and bacteria! Which parts have you regurgitated gastric juices onto and begun to digest?

Steve: Just this area here. All the rest is fresh and flavorful, have as much as you like!

Betty: [Belchga-a-a-a! slurp slurp] WOW! this is so yummy! You have such refined taste!

Steve: Thank you. I guess when you’ve consumed as much fecal matter as I have you learn to appreciate the subtle aromatic nuances. Enjoy!

Betty: I never knew it could be so wonderful!

Steve: This is what life is all about: We’re born, we eat shit, and die. And somewhere in there we raise little maggots of our own and perpetuate ourselves.

Betty: I want to make maggots with you Steve! Will you show me how?

O-o-o-oh yea-a-h, But we can’t do it here. in fact we must leave this location fairly soon.

Betty: Oh but why, Steve?

Steve: I’m afraid there’s a flattener headed our way. It’s already begun its acceleration toward us and should be here within the hour.

Betty: A flattener? that sounds awful! surely it isn’t meant for us.

Steve: It is Betty, you see the human beings don’t like us and try to flatten us sometimes. But don’t worry, they’re so lethargic they rarely succeed but we do have to stay alert to avoid them.

Betty: Oh what a shame! and it’s so beautiful here. I guess we can always come back after the flattener leaves

Steve: Perhaps but let’s not worry about the future now. Consume a few more microns of poop and we’ll be on our way.

Betty: Okay I’m ready, Steve. Which direction are we headed?

Steve: Well we don’t want to fly directly into the flattener so I’m setting a course for that messy uncoordinated larval human  located at the southern end of this enclosed region.

Betty: Sounds good to me. may I fly in a random chaotic pattern approximating your trajectory?

Steve: Sure, Oh here it comes already looks like this human has incorporated a flick of the wrist into her attack.

Betty: Why do they dislike us so much, Steve? Don’t we serve an essential function in the ecosystem?

Steve: Uh no, not really. But that’s not why they dislike us. They hate anything that isn’t as massive as they are. Well I guess it’s time to go. I’m beginning my take off surge. My lifters are almost at launch velocity, how about yours Betty?

Betty: I’m good to go. Anytime you’re ready!

Steve: Up, up, and AW-A-A-A-AY-Y-Y! Betty? BETTY?

Betty: STEVE! I’ve eaten too much. I can’t get airborne. Help me!

Steve: Help you? What are you talking about, Betty? I’m just a fly. What am I supposed to do? That flattener is practically on top of you.

Betty: Oh Steve, life is cruel. I’ll never bear maggots. At least I had my last moments with you! Thank you for the wonderful poop we shared! EEEEEK! Its here! I’m flattening! Oh steve it hurts!

Steve: I can’t bear to watch! Oh how awful!

Betty: Oh this pain is unbearable…a-a-a-a-AAAAA-aaaarghlk-kl-glmf!

Steve: Rest in pieces, dear Betty.

30 to life for first degree bugslaughter.

—end of the transcription—

In another experiment we hear the thoughts of a daddy longlegs as he suffers at the hands of a child. note the Daddy longlegs has relatively slow brainwaves for an insect and the child used in the experiment was chosen for his quick reflexes:

He fought for his legs, his life, his dignity. He died without them all.

Daddy Long-Legs: I’m a proud and majestic daddy long-legs. The father figure of the insect world and I’m on a mission to find sustenance for my offspring.

Child: E-e-e-e-e-w-w-w-w-w G-r-r-r-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-s-s-s!!!

DLL: I beg your pardon have you looked at yourself in the mirror  lately human? Hey what’s he doing encroaching my personal space? Oh no you don’t! You won’t catch me you bully! Cmon legs! move!…

Child: Haha! Look at ‘im trying to get away! Got you sucker!

DLL: HEY! OW! THAT’S MY LEG! YOU’VE RIPPED IT OFF!
OH MY GOD THAT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL! It’s okay my instincts are kicking in! I’ve still got seven good legs le—

HEY!  YOU UNFEELING BASTARD! YOU’VE AMPUTATED ANOTHER OF MY PRECIOUS LEGS. OWWWWCH! AND NOW TWO MORE AT ONCE. I’M FEELING GREATLY REDUCED. I CAN BARELY WALK! OH HOW EMBARRASSING! WHAT WILL MY FAMILY THINK OF ME IF  I’M A CRIPPLE?

Child: Hahaha! Hyuk hyuk snicker!

DDL What? He’s laughing at me? Why I’ll show him! I’ll show them all! I’ll work twice as hard to do on four legs what most arachnids do on eight! My offspring will still be proud of what I’ll accomplish! YOU CAN TAKE HALF MY LEGS BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SPIRIT AWAY!

CHILD: HARDY HAR-HAR GUFFAW!

DLL: What’s he doing now? No! He wouldn’t! AAAAARGH! THREE MORE LEGS! G-GONE!  OH GOD! How could he? Oh the horror! At least I’ve still got one. And by damn if I’ve got one good leg to stand on, I’m not defeated yet! ..nng…ngNNNNG…This isn’t working! I can’t do anything with just one leg!  I can’t move my body… But I can still fight! What this human doesn’t realize is that "right rear 2" is my most powerful weight bearing leg! Here he comes! Boy is he in for a surprise. TAKE THAT, YOU FIEND!

[ploink]

AAHK! Oh my god! Oh my god!  No! What have you done? Look at me! I’m, I’m helpless! What are you gonna do to me now? Listen to me human child. I don’t know what I did to you, but I am deeply sorry! I never meant you, or your family any harm…EVER! You must understand I have a family to feed! 47 beautiful boys just like you, and 63 girls and they depend on me! They look up to me! They need me. Just like you depend on your dad-WAIT! WAIT!  DON’T DO THAT! My children love me and I love them… 

[Ding-a-ling-a ding ding ding ding dong…]

That’s it kid…yes it’s the ice cream truck, go ahead, run out there, you like ice cream right kid? Forget about flicking me across the room…that’s it…good…keep going…WAIT! NO!

[p-ting]

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-oooooooooooo…

[One week later in the central heating duct.]

…Uuuuh…Uuuuuhhhh…h-h-e-e-l-l-p  me-e-e…he-e-e-elp me…Huh? Whud ‘r you loogin’ at buddy? haven’t ya ever seen a d-daddy NO LEGS before? quit starin’ like I’m some kind of circus freak! Wait, I mean… could you spare a scrap of food? No don’t go, I’m starving…help a guy out wouldja…pal?

—That concludes the transcription. DLL died shortly after that.—

Next we will listen to a community of ants living in the basement of a residence whose occupants decided to call the exterminators to rid their house of the “unwanted pests” at a time which just happened to be one of the most significant events in all of ant history:

"We never meant to disrupt anyone's picnic, nor would we have eaten that much."

President Pismire: Hear Ye! Hear Ye! My fellow ants, I have an announcement to make on this joyous day! Today marks the 40 miliionth ant-iversary of Ant independance! As you all know we of this great colony are the direct descend-ants of the very first species of ants! We hold the original DNA coding from which all ants on earth are descended. Without us the entire genus of formicidae could not exist and the earth would be devoid of all antkind. Today our beloved queen shall give birth to 700 million adorable baby antlings, the new generation of ants which will save the world from the human's destructive powers. Our carefully planned mission can only be carried out by the brilliant young antlings we are about to hatch here today in this very colony. Somehow by divine serendipity the entire ceremony has been blessed. The humans, apparently sensing the importance of this day, have taken it upon themselves to vacate the premises apparently just for us and as a gesture of their intentions they’ve even sealed off the entire structure with a tent of some kind to ensure our safety during the ceremony. This is truly a blessed day let us sing the global Ant-them of our great species:

WE REP-RE-SENT- THE FOR-MI-CI-DAE OF THE EARTH, THE CHO-SEN ONES, WE KNOW OUR WORTH…WE (cough, cough) REP-RE-(gag choke wheeze!)-SENT (Ack-hack COUGH COUGH) HELP! WE’RE DYING (HACK WHEEZE COUGH! CHOKE!) AAAAARGH!!!…

—end of transcription—

The entire colony of 45 billion ants was wiped out by a professional extermination company on that day, Not a single ant escaped.

Of course this discovery poses many legal questions. Should the Orkin man be put on trial for mass murder? Should Black Flag® and Raid® be taken of the shelves? Should flyswatters be illegal and all who use them convicted of first degree bugslaughter? Should there be a mandatory 11:00am check out time at Roach Motels®?

Numbsain’s Unwind asks you the reader. Please comment below and let us know if you stand for insect rights.




This special addition of Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by:

Sue Bee Honey Farms...employing over 17 billion bees 22 years and counting
Sof-shield Inc...Car windshields that protect insects, not crash into them.
Infested Farms...Organic produce with all the brown spots nature intended!

Awesome Acronyms Quiz

 How well do you know your Acronyms? FYI most people who MSM a lot will ace this test PDQ and, BTW, being ADD doesn’t mean you can’t finish it ASAP. So before you start shouting OMG, try it. You may be a VIP! LOL!

SPCA stands for
a. Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
b. Society for the Promotion of Cruelty to Animals
c. Spanking Place for Caged Animals
d. Society for Pet Cruelty Appreciation

FCC stands for
a. Freshly Chopped Caterpillars
b. Federal Communications Commission
c. Federal Cupcake Commission
d. Free Cocaine Club

SUV stands for
a. Sexy Underwear Violation
b. Stuck Up Virgin
c. Sudden Urge Vehicle
d. Sport Utility Vehicle

WWF stands for
a. We Won, F*ckers! 
b. World War Five
c. Wet With Fear
d. World Wrestling Federation

VD stands for
a. Vaginal Discomfort
b. Verbal Diarrhea
c. Venereal Disease
d. Vinegarette Dressing

STD stands for
a. Stinky Thong Disease
b. Sex Toy Deposits
c. Sexually Transmissible Disease
d. Safe Tongue Depth 

WYSIWYG stands for
a. Well You Started It, What’s Your Gripe?
b. While You Sing I’ll Whack Your Gonads
c. What You See Is What You Get
d. Why’d You Stop? It Was Yellow, Go!

VIP means
a. Vain Insignificant Person
b. Vomit In Public
c. Viewing Is Prohibited
d. Very Important Person

TKO stands for
a. Temporarily Killed Opponent
b. Testicles Kicked Off
c. Technical Knock-Out
d. They Keeled Over

ASAP stands for
a. Ask Some Asian Person
b. As Soon As Possible
c. After Somebody Asks Politely
d. Add Salt And Pepper

AKA stands for
a. Also Known As
b. And, Kinda, Actually
c. Alternate Kinky Appellation
d. Angry Kitchen Appliances

NFL stands for
a. Not For Ladies
b. National Football League
c. Naturally Full Lashes
d. Not Funny, Larry!

ATM stands for
a. Any Time Money
b. Automated Teller Machine
c. Actually, That’s Mine
d. Act Totally Mellow

BBC stands for
a. Bubble Butt Club
b. Bloody British are Crazy
c. Big Bang Conspiracy
d. British Broadcasting Company

UCLA stands for
a. United Coalition of Lard Asses
b. Used Condoms Lying Around
c. University of California, Los Angeles
d. Uppity College of Los Angeles

ESP stands for
a. Ever Since Puberty
b. Erect Swollen Penis
c. Extreme Super Powers
d. Extra Sensory Perception

BYOB stands for
a. Braid Your Own Butt-hair
b. Baby Yelling On Board
c. Bite Your Ostrich’s Beak
d. Bring Your Own Booze

MILF stands for
a. Mommy’s Ignorant Little Fool
b. Mother I’d Like to F*ck
c. Moron In Left Field
d. Man, I Love Food!

WTF stands for
a. Where’s The Fish?
b. Wait Till Friday
c. Wash That Finger!
d. What The F*ck?

SASE stands for
a. Something A**holes Send Easily
b. Self Addressed Stamped Envelope
c. Speak And Spell Expert
d. Strings Attached, Seek Escape!

FYI stands for
a. F*ck You Idiot!
b. Face Your Ignorance
c. For Your Information
d. Fifi! You Imbecile!

LOL stands for
a. Lordy Oh Lordy!
b. Laughing Out Loud
c. Leaking Oily Liquid
d. Lots Of Luck

PMS stands for
a. Pack My Suitcase
b. Pre-Menstrual Syndrome
c. Pain, Misery, Suffering
d. Please My Self

FUBAR stands for
a. Food Under the Bed Attracts Rats
b. Felt Up By A Robot
c. F*cked Up Beyond All Recognition
d. Fat and Ugly But an Awesome Rack

TLC stands for
a. Tender Loving Care
b. Total Loss of Control
c. Talk Like Caveman
d. Tastes Like Chicken

SOS stands for
a. Sell Our Stuff
b. Sink Or Swim
c. Save Our Ship
d. Sharks Ogling Survivors

OMG stands for
a. Ow! My Gonads
b. Out of My Gourd
c. Ooh! Man! Gee!
d. Oh My God

PDQ stands for
a. Pretty Darn Quick
b. Pigs Don’t Quack
c. Prisoners Dig Quietly
d. Powerful Deadly Queef

MSG stands for
a. Makes Sh*t Good
b. Magic Saliva Generator
c. Mono-Sodium Glutamate
d. Maximum Sized Glutes

CPR stands for
a. Code Purple! Run!
b. Cardio-Pulmonery Resuscitation
c. Count, Punch, Repeat
d. Choking Panic Response

CIA stands for
a. Central Ignorance Agency
b. Cops In Action
c. Center for Illegal Activities
d. Central Intelligence Agency

ETA stand for
a. Exact Time to Airport
b. Eager To Anxious
c. Estimated Time of Arrival
d. Ever Take an Airplane?

RBI stands for
a. Real Baseball Initials
b. Runner’s Balls Itch
c. Really Boring Information
d. Runs Batted In

BMW stands for
a. Blow My Wad
b. Big Money Waste
c. Bought My Wife
d. British Motor Works

HTML stands for
a. Hot Tamales & Meat Loaf
b. Hog Tied Monkey Love
c. Hard to Type Machine Lingo
d. HyperText Markup Language

DUI stands for
a. Drunk U Is!
b. Driving Utterly Inebriated
c. Drinkin’…Um…I dunno! Hahaha, whuzzit stands for Awsiffer?
d. Driving Under the Influence
e. Of WHUT? Hahahaha-hee-hee I’m all “of whut?” Hee-hee…Izzso funny hahaha! Hey leggo my arm!

Now simply check your answers to see how well you did. The correct answer is next to the right letter.
I know what you’re thinking “WTF? This is BS! Numbsain’s an SOB!” Which of course means:
Wow That’s Fun! This was Better than Sex! Numbsain’s a Smart Old Bloke!

Toy Store Employee Training Guide: Theft Prevention Procedure

You spot a 5 year old stuffing his pockets with Sponge Bob Erasers® valued at 59¢ per unit (manufacturers suggested retail price). The accomplice, the child's mother, supposedly unaware of the crime in progress struggles with a Rubik's Cube® 3 aisles over. What do you do?

1. DO NOT approach the suspect directly! This could appear threatening and cause the suspect to throw down the merchandise, possibly damaging it. Remember: the safety of the store and it's merchandise come first.

2. DO NOT approach the parent as they will never admit that their child has committed a crime. Parents are usually defensive and any confrontation can lead to a law suit if not a physical altercation.

3. DO NOT make announcements over the PA such as: "Code 7 aisle 5." Most career criminals or professional shoplifters pick up on this type of thing immediately and it could cause them to panic.

4. Clear as many customers out of the store as possible. Then secure the perimeter by stationing an employee at both ends of the aisle, just out of view.

5. Make one attempt to guide the perpetrator to the proper action by staging the following conversation within earshot:
"Hey George did you inventory those Sponge Bob Erasers?"
"Sure did, Steve. I know exactly how many we have in stock. Have we sold any yet?"
"Nope, not a one. Well, you're not doing anything, why don't you go count them again."
"Sure Steve, I will in exactly one minute after I finish up here."

Now the suspect knows he has one minute to put back all the stolen merchandise, but he may think he can run out of the store before you finish counting them.
So you add the following dialogue:

"Oh and George, they're doing some dangerous electrical work right outside the door so don't let any customers leave for the next five minutes."
"You got it Steve. That'll give me just enough time to count those erasers and then I'll let the folks out. IF the Sponge Bob Erasers are all still there, of course."

This procedure should solve the problem. If not you must proceed to step 6.

6. The suspect has shown himself to be irrational and desperate. The stolen items would more than likely be fenced and resold on the black market or worse, to a competitor. At this point you must subdue and incapacitate the suspect. But first the mother/accomplice must be dealt with.

7. Approach her and tell her she's won a sweepstakes, and in order to claim her prize, she must give an interview. Lure her into the back room with a stack of My First Wad® play money. Once in the back room, use chloroform to render the accomplice unconscious. Now, quietly escort all customers out the door and seal all exits and entrances.

8. Employees must don Batman Bat Gas Masks® before proceeding. As four employees close in on the suspect, Riot Control Barbie Nerve Gas® is released into the ventilation system so that he should already be feeling woozy. As his coordination falters he may reach for his weapon and attempt to discharge it. Quickly bombard the now armed felon from all sides with Nerf Darts® and ensnare him in a webbing of Spiderman Silly String®.

9. Recovery of the merchandise is first and foremost. As the felon becomes engulfed in the polymer-elastomeric product he will be both disoriented and immobilized enough to move in and separate him from the merchandise which should be handled with the utmost care to minimize damage.

10. Once the merchandise is safe, the felon can be destroyed with several rounds from a X-treme Assassin Pistol® fired at point blank range. Execute the same procedure for the accomplice who is harmlessly unconscious in the back room. The bodies should be disassembled with a Junior-the-Ripper Bone Saw®, or the Johnny Cadaver Autopsy Play Set®, carefullly wrapped and sealed in bubble-pack, boxed in cardboard shipping cartons, and disposed of in the dumpster behind the store.

Congratulations! you've just successfully averted a theft in progress and saved your employer potentially tens of dollars. Keep this document posted on the premises at all times and require employees to review it regularly.

These theft aversion procedures have been approved by the NSA, the NRA and are in compliance with the California State Penal Code and the California State Law Enforcement Act.

by Numbsain...He's been on both sides of the law, and he's still deciding.

Girls Gone Ferel!

Who doesn't love seeing REAL COLLEGE COEDS and teenaged Girl-Next Door types showing their Pookies and Hoo-Hoos RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!!!!! Nobody! And you'll never guess what's inside their teeny tiny wet see-through shirts!...YES!! THAT'S RIGHT!!! How did you know??? You must have seen the Girls Gone Wild videos! but GUESS WHAT?

They just got EVEN WILDER! In fact they've gone FERAL! That's Right! Jane Goodall move over, and take your stupid monkeys with you! We've captured (and video taped) the girls that have been going wild for so long they lost their way and FORGOT THEY WERE ONCE CIVILIZED!  Yes they've reverted back to the natural state of early humans, LIKE WILD ANIMALS! You won't want to miss these dirty, filthy, hairy, rodent infested girls running wild through the forest with with NO CLOTHES ON! Eating twigs and insects off the ground. But that's not even the best part!  Having adapted to wild life they have a heightened sense of smell! And a raunchy smell too!!! In fact THEY STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN!!! They don't bathe and they don't use feminine hygiene products! They're like a hairy naked version of Britney Spears!

OH EM GEE, THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!!

Yes these girls are actually ferel! Just like Paris Hilton! They go potty right on the ground and don't even wipe! They're mangy and full of lice and fleas and ticks! Living like monkeys eating and screwing anything that moves!

HAVE THEY NO SHAME?!?!

And we've caught them on video doing all the private things you'll never see girls do anywhere else. Why? Because it's disgusting! Real video tape of Live ferel girls eating roadkill right off the street, WITH THEIR FINGERS! Desperate high-school drop-outs scratching each others faces off over a McDonalds bag with some ketchup in it! AND WAIT'LL YOU SEE WHAT THEY'LL DO FOR A CHICKEN McNUGGET!!! YECHHH!

THEY'RE LITERALLY STARVING!

Watch them waste away and die on camera! They're out there fighting for survival in the wilderness! Having sex with LEPRECHAUNS for breakfast cereal! Our crews are sworn not to upset nature's delcate balance and interfere with the process of natural selection just so we can bring you this never before seen footage! They pick their noses! They take a dump in the woods, Sleep in compost piles for warmth! Some of them even have menstrual blood running down their legs!

EW GROSS!

But that's not all! On video 1. watch what happens when these crazy desperate girls find a trailer park. YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT THOSE CRAZY REDNECKS DO TO THESE GIRLS!!!
But wait! You'll also get video 2. Check out the mayhem when three of these girls take on a mountain lion! GIRL PARTS FLYING EVERYWHERE!!! ONLY ONE OF THEM GETS AWAY! But dies a few minutes later from loss of blood!

RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!!!

But there's MORE!!!! On video 3. we reunite one of thesecrazy girls with her boyfriend and what does she do?
SHE CANNIBALIZES HIM!!!!

And we've captured it all on three amazing videos you won't want to watch!
BUT YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS EITHER!

ORDER YOUR GIRLS GONE FERAL 3 VIDEO COLLECTION TODAY!
and if you order in the next 13 seconds we'll throw in the newest video:

GIRLS GONE RANCID!
Real College Coed Cadavers decomposing right before your very nose!

The Evolution of Reality TV

b

y numbsain

8:47.52 AM:
Robin is awakened by a leaf blower one block away.

Robin: (Ugh! I hate Mexicans... God I really am racist, that sucks. Shit, my arm's asleep... I gotta pee really bad.)

As she gets out of bed, she realizes her panties are kinda bunched up in her crack so she pulls them most of the way out and walks into the bathroom rubbing her eyes.

Robin: (That's weird, Eddie actually put the seat back down... )

SPLOOSH! Robin has perfect timing on her release. As she pees, she really lets one rip, it kind of hurts a little, she starts to doze off, bumps her elbow on the sink which wakes her up. She wipes, stands up, looks in the mirror, her make-up is only a little smudged, she wipes one spot with her finger and heads for the kitchen. She heard Eddie making coffee.

Robin: Morning. (Oops! I didn't know Brian was down here too. And I'm in my underwear. Yeesh! Gotta play it off I guess. I'll bet he's loving this.)

Eddie: Morning Robin. (Jesus what a tramp. Good thing Brian's gay.)

Brian: (Best thing I ever did telling Eddie I'm gay, he obviously told Robin... God she's even hotter than Jen! ...But Eddie keeps flexing in front of me... God what a dork.)

Robin: (What's that smell? nobody took out the garbage? Guess I have to...)
Robin opens the cabinet under the sink and bends over to tie the bag closed. She realizes if she ties it down there, it'll give the guys a longer look at her butt. She also keeps her knees locked.

Eddie: (Oh man, she is really being obvious.)

Robin: (This is pretty subtle...)

Brian: (DAY-YUM!!!!)

As she closes the bag a fly buzzes right by her face.

Robin: (Stupid fly! What does it think I am, white trash? Why did it almost land on my eyelid? Darn it!)

Just then Eddie farts very quietly.

Brian: (WHO JUST FARTED?!)

Robin: (WHO JUST FARTED?!)

Eddie: Haha, Who just farted?

Brian: (Oh, it was obviously Eddie.)

Robin: (Oh, it was obviously Eddie.)

Eddie: (Whew! I played that one off perfectly.)

Robin pours herself a cup of coffee in a mug that has a dried speck on it. She did the dishes last night so she pretends it's clean. She goes to take a sip but it's too hot. Eddie coughs. Brian shifts his weight onto his other foot and turns the page of the newspaper hoping he's read enough articles so that nobody will judge him for looking at the comics, which is why he picked it up. He likes "Jump Start" because its black people and he wants to be more "black." He feels he's too waspy.

1 minute 14 seconds go by where no one does anything then Robin realizes she has to pee again. She goes into the bathroom, sits down and gets her period.
Robin: (Oh great. I'm completely out of pads. ...I'm gonna use one of Eddies socks, he'll just think it got lost in the laundry... feels kind of scratchy.)

Now Robin has to put on some pants so she also puts on a skimpier top (off camera). Just then, Jen walks in from the backyard tracking mud on the floor so she calls the dog in so she'll have someone to blame it on.
Jen: Oh Bandit, your getting mud everywhere.

Bandit: (What is she stupid? Those are HER paw prints) Bark, Bark!

Bandit goes and drinks out of his bowl then nuzzles Jens crotch so she looks like she peed on herself a little. Robin comes back into the kitchen moments later and first thing she sees is that Jen peed on herself a little.

Robin: (Ugh! Blondes are so disgusting. I mean really girl, did you even wipe?) Morning Pookie!

Jen: Morning Snookums! Ooh! I love that top. (and i'm sure Eddie and Brian are diggin' it too, you slut. ...and I'm sorry but, if Brian is gay, I'm Mrs. Butterworth! It was hilarious the way his hands were shaking when I asked him to unhook my bra.)

Brian: Oh Jennifer darling, you must tell me where you got those shorts you're wearing, they're... (Shit, what would a fag say!?) ...the living end! (ooh that sucked! that didn't sound gay at all. They're on to me now for sure!)

Eddie: (God! Brian is such a fag. I wonder if he's like checking me out all the time.)

Jen: I can't remember but you wanna go in my room and I'll take them off and you can try em on? (Ha ha ha! Go ahead, try and speak now you phony...)

Brian: h-h.... h-h-h... (C'mon mouth, speak!) h-h-h... H-H-h-h.... (Jesus, I can't speak!) H-H-H-H-h-h...

You're watching Way Too Real TV—Every single boring little detail.

Cut to Commercial.

Bigots Are All Alike

by numbsain
Ah! Heah we go princess, Lou-weegee's Gawmay Cuizeen, eh? Eh? Ya like Eye-talian food don'tcha? Well don'tcha? Ya gotta eat, I mean look atcha, ya nuthin' but skin and bones fuh cryin' out loud. So you could eat, right? Right?

Y-e-e-s mother-r-r.

Uh-right. Eye-talian food is good. I hope it's not one o' them Mafia owned joints, Yaw fathuh would NEVUH go eat Eye-talian. "They're all mobsters," he'd say...

Oh Mom, please!...

Ooooh! Red cawpets! Classy joint eh?... Pahty of two please.

Spit out your gum, mother.

Uh-boy, lookit, ya see dat guy? Ya see Skah-face ovah theah? Mafia written awl over 'em. Oy vey.

Mother, he's a waiter.

Oh no, Scah-face is a hit man fuh the mob ahm tellin' ya. Look at his eyes... (bas-tuhd)

Oh, hello, ah'll have the... um, louey-gweeno crab-on-aro an' do you have Manischevitz? Oh, then just a house white, thank yew.

Oh... Moy... Gawd! Lookit, look at dis what just wawked in! It's Chahlie Chan an' the Dragon Lady. Lookit huh; She's prah-bly 95 yeahs old and she looks like she' s fawty. Dat's them Awri-entals, they nevah age. Oh, lookit what he's got! dat's not a suit case, oh no, Chahlie Chans got a machine gun in theah! Dat's the Chinese Mafia right theah, Ahm tellin' ya!

Mother you are really going too far this time! Now just stop it!

Oh... foyn! (sniff) so that's the way ya tawk to ya muthuh... (snuk) I know when I'm not wanted.

Mother please.

Naomi Lookit! ya see doze Pawtuh Reekins ovah theah? Lookit Pancho's got a box! and they keep lookin' at Shang-hai Chahlie ovah theah!

Mother!

And Scah-face ovah theah keeps lookin' at 'em too! ...Oh moy gawd! Didjoo see dat? Pancho just winked at Scah-face and theah both lookin' at da Chinaman! Honey, uh, I gotta go pow-duh my nose...

Hello is dis the police station? ...You gotta get some squad cars down to Luigi's right away! It's a shoot out!!! somethin' big is goin' down heah! Hurry!

I'm back! whud I miss? It's okay baby, yuh muthuh took care of it. ...Oy Gutten Himmel! Lookit Naomi! See dat tray? He's got a AK-fawty seven under theah. Its a HIT! Get unduh the table honey! Lookit Pancho an' his gang are gettin' up and wawkin ovah theah too! Theah gonna rub out Shang-Hai Chahlie right heah! Stay behind me baby!

Mom! what are you doing?!

AWRIGHT FREEZE YOU BASTUHDS!!! PUT DOWN THE TRAY!! YEAH YOU, SCAH-FACE OVAH THEAH! AND DROP DAT BOX, PANCHO!!! ONE FAWLSE MOVE AN' I'LL BLOW YA FRIKKEN HEADS AWF!

MOTHER!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GUN?!?!

DROP THE GUN LADY!!!

Oh, Awffisuhs, heah's my gun. Thank Gawd you got heah just in time!

Let's go lady, put 'er in the squad car. You too miss.

Is everybody okay here? You okay Luigi? ...Oh good. By the way, thanks for catering the policeman's ball the other night. You okay Mayor Gutierrez? Oh great, The new youth center is really coming together, great work there sir. Councilman Chin, I apologize for this mess, I guess she spoiled the surprise but I hope that crazy old bat didn't completely ruin your evening sir. My partner took her down to the station so there won't be any more trouble. Well if everybody's alright, mind if I stick around and sing? ...Thanks, make a wish Councilman...

HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY TO YOU...

by numbsain...he's paht Jewish y'know

Numbsain Speaks Frankly on Raising Children

The First Day: it was excruciating but now the payoff
Bringing a beautiful newborn baby into the world is the stupidest decision a woman can make. But unfortunately, you've done it and there's no putting it back. Abortion is no longer an option and chances are, it's alive. It has feelings, needs, demands and it wasn't born yesterday (not yet anyway), it knows who's responsible. You are. It also knows that there are laws about not giving it what it wants and it will manipulate you accordingly. First thing you have to do is feed it. You panic because you have no idea how. The local market doesn't have Purina Baby Chow and it has no teeth anyway. Relax. No, you don't have to regurgitate predigested worms into its mouth. Just do what you do to shut any adult male up, whip out your funbags. There is no need to be coy about it and sexy strip tease moves are inappropriate. Just shove the tit into the brats mouth and your done...except now you have a thing hanging from your tit.

Crying: a cry for help disguised as crying
You've gotten past the first hurdle—now's the fun part. That unappreciative little bastard is crying incessantly. “Where did I go wrong?” you may ask. You're an idiot. You put stuff into your child, of course it's going to come back out, and smelling a lot worse. You probably wrapped it up in that new blanket you bought thinking it will keep your baby warm and cozy for years. Throw it away, it's got poop all over it because you forgot to diaper your child. So you put it in the bathroom and tell the disgusting thing to clean itself, for gods sake. Sorry! It can't, you have to. Children are an excellent source of poop, pee, drool, snot, vomit and noise. Get used to it. You'll have an abundance of these for the next few years.

The #@!*% Twos: @#%#^@&*
You haven't had a good nights sleep because of that miniature slave driver demanding something every ten minutes, but at least you can tell it off and it won't talk back. Sorry, that's over now too, along with all your other pleasures in life. It talks now. Not only that, it's incredibly stupid and chatters about the dumbest things all day long. It will repeat everything you say at the most inappropriate times, tell everyone all your secrets, and complain about everything you do. What's worse, it doesn't know what anything is and it will ask you a thousand questions, never understanding any answer you give. When it runs out of questions, it will sit there and ask “why?” until you say “Because I said so, Dammit!” And then it will ask, “why did you said so dammit, mommy?” But you still can't kill it.

Abuse & Neglect: when is it necessary?
Always. You will find it absolutely necessary to beat your child and leave it in the car with the windows rolled up just to maintain your own sanity. Unfortunately it will only make your child worse. If you kill it, you're in trouble, if you abuse it, you're in trouble and if you don't get caught, you will simply have to deal with your own homegrown co-dependent sociopath for the rest of your life. Yes, abusing and neglecting children only turns them into lifelong con artists. Because they were taught at an early age that their needs will not be met by simply asking, they will make a lifelong career out of conning, scamming, manipulating, coercing, tricking and duping others into doing what they want. And they will become experts at it. At best, abusing your child-monster will turn it into a liar, a cheater, a compulsive addict, and a social misfit. At worst, a felon, a psychopath or a serial killer. And they don't make scholastic achievement bumper stickers for those things.

School Days: a slight reprieve just to remind you what you've lost.
You've gotten this far and you've managed to refrain from doing any irreversible damage to your devil's spawn. Now, finally it gets better. You get to ship them off to school for 6 hours a day. Six glorious hours of peace and quiet, doing all the things you used to do. Like dating and flirting and getting laid. Only one little problem. You've gained 40 pounds and you look like shit. So you lower your standards and increase your opportunities. You go to the grocery store in a miniskirt with no panties and flash the bag boy until he gives you a two minute roll in the shopping cart. Then it's time to pick up your little Nazi from school. Maybe it had a good experience and did well in the educational system. The child will become judgmental and preachy with you or even turn you in to the police for something you had in your sock drawer. Or maybe it had a bad experience in school and you have to console and comfort the insolent pest, even convince it to go back tomorrow for more of the same.

Puberty: natures way of saying, “Ha  ha ha ha ha FUCK YOU!!!”
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you realize that this unbearable hell that now comprises your life is nothing more than a supreme test. The job now is to desensitize yourself enough to cope with what seems like an endless downward spiral toward your slow torturous grueling death. Now you must compete with your child for the things you want. Except they are far better at getting those things than you are. They snatch them right out from under your nose and then taunt you with them. Not only that, they won't have a clue what to do with it once they've got it. So they'll just waste precious resources and nobody will get to screw the bag boy.


Your Child is an Adult: and pigs are flying out of my ass
Thank god it's over. You've raised your child and it's depleted you of every ounce of motivation, drive and strength you had. At least now you can start over from scratch. With your expectations lowered to about 5 percent of what you once hoped for in life, you now have the time and peace of mind to enjoy what little is left of your sorry existence. But wait! Something is terribly wrong! They haven't left! It seems you haven't done enough, haven't torn enough flesh from your body to be granted the right to shove this horrible mistake out the door for it to fend for itself. It's helpless and useless and it's clinging on to you for dear life! It's, and yours. You go to the closet for the shotgun feeling somehow comforted by the fact of finally having the resolve to do what you've been considering for all these years. You slowly raise the barrel to your mouth and in walks shithead. Your beloved offspring grabs the gun and after taking your entire life away from you, takes your death as well. You are now a walking zombie. You know nothing, you feel nothing, you say nothing. You return to the routine of everyday life, going through the motions mindlessly waiting for a terminal illness to mercifully end the abysmal doldrums.

Your Child is in its 30's: You've find inner peace, who knew? 
Well, the walking death that has been your life experience for the past ten years has seasoned you. Somehow from this whole sordid affair you've learned the supreme lesson of acceptance. A total letting go of the ego. Fear is no longer an issue because you've had the worst already. Now you look back and marvel at how easy it all could have been if you only knew then what you know now. The car stops, your child gets out of the drivers seat and politely walks around to open your door. The two of you walk hand in hand up to the large stone building. The doctor and a nurse escort you in to your ward where you will be monitored closely for any signs of enlightenment which, if detected, will be quickly squelched with medication. Sweet dreams.
 
By Numbsain...a guy who's been there and back and forgot his underpants

Brought to you by:
Johnsons Baby Oil...coldpressed, made from 100% organic babies.
Uglies Pull-Off Diaper...for kids who just never stop shitting themselves.
Baby-be-Gone...instant baby repellant spray