Fortune 500 Cookies

I found a new Chinese restaurant that has the good kind of fortune cookies. Only  problem is they're very stingy with them. I figured if I come in with a party of five i should get five fortune cookies at the end of the meal. So I came in and said the other four were on their way and we'd all like to start with dessert. They asked me what dessert we wanted and I said, "the free fortune cookies." I figured I'd just wait a little while and then say, "I guess they couldn't find parking so I'll go out and bring them their fortune cookies so they can get started. Suddenly two girls came out of the back and started pawing all over me. I said, "I'll give you exactly one hour to stop doing that!"

But they stopped after about thirty seconds so I left with my cookies. Then I realized they picked my pockets and took a hundred dollars. So I wet back the next day and held the place up at gun point. I told 'em, "put all the fortune cookies in this bag and nobody gets hurt!" So I got the cookies. But the next day they came to my house and ate all my fish and house plants, murdered my TV and had sex with my cat.  I didn't know what was gonna happen next so I opened a cookie and read the fortune. It said,

"Okay first slash all their tires then call the police and tell them about the opium business they have back there..."

I did and it turns out it was a 5-year-old kid that wrote me that note, and he writes the cookies too. So I asked him to be my apprentice and teach me everything he knows about comedy writing.

by Numbsain.. above and beyond to bring you the best!

ASK NUMBSAIN...Advice for the Loveridden

WARNING: This post deals with mature subject in an immature way. Words and phrases such as "penis" and "doggie style" are used and therefore it is absolutely NOT suitable for persons under the age of 18.

Dear Numbsain,

Please don’t laugh at me when I tell you this. It would crush what little self esteem I’ve got. I’m 23 years old but I’ve never been intimate with anyone in my life. The reason is because, well, I have no penis. I was born without one. It’s horrible. I have 3 older brothers and they’ve all got nice, big, fully functional penises. But not me. I need love and companionship just like anyone. But I can’t take a potential partner home, get in bed and then say, “by the way, I hope you didn’t have your heart set on me having a penis because I don’t have one.” I’d be a laughing stock all over town. I’m not talking about a small one either, I’m talking none! In fact all I have is a wet hole where my penis is supposed to be. Can you help me?

Tahmee

P.S. I’ve included a picture of myself so you can see that I have no other physical deformities, except I'm not as muscular as my older brothers either.

Dear Tahmee,
Listen buddy I feel your pain, I mean not literally because I have a penis, but I can imagine what it must be like for you, man. It’s awful to be short changed in life. I’ll tell you what, guy, I might be able to help you out. But I need to see for myself what you got goin’ on down there to know best what your options are. Why don’t you come over to my place tomorrow night and we can talk about it. Bring your overnight bag because it might take a while. Okay buddy? So I’ll see you at 8:00.

 \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/

Dear Numbsain,

I’m a 28 year old female and my boyfriend is 25. We have a good relationship and our sex is great except he’s always complaining about one thing: no head! That’s all he talks about: head head head, and that’s the one thing he doesn’t get with me. Why can’t he accept me the way I am and stop obsessing over something he can’t have?

Butterhead

Dear Butterhead,
So what’s the big deal? Why are you so against oral sex?


Dear Numbsain,
Who said anything about oral sex? I said my boyfriend complains constantly about the fact that I have no head. I’ve been living without a head all my life and I’m use to not having one, Funny thing is most guys say that’s what they like about me. Why did I have to fall in love with the one guy who thinks it’s a problem? Here's a photo of me which will help you understand.

Butterhead

See picture below:

Dear Butterhead,
Wow! Nice set of shoulders you got there babe! Your boyfriend is an idiot! What’s his complaint again? Oh yeah, you mentioned something about not having a head. Wait, let me look at the picture again…Oh, look at that! You’ve got no head! That’s interesting, but who cares really? I mean, it’s not a problem for me! You should dump that fool and give me a call after you do, I’d like to get to know those, I mean, I’d like to get to know you better.

°¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  

 ˚    ˘    ˚    ˘    ˚    ˘   ˚     ˘     ˚    ˘    ˚    ˘     ˚    ˘

Dear Numbsain,
I’m an 18 year old girl and there’s this boy I really like. He’s handsome, shy, intelligent, everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I want to take it to the next level with him, you know? I want him to, um, tee-hee! I can’t believe I’m telling you this…I mean what girl wouldn’t want to go all the way with the man of her dreams?

All we’ve really done so far is missionary, doggie style, reverse cowgirl, oral, 69, anal, double anal, triple anal, public places, in a graveyard, BDSM, you know the basics. But I want him to give me something real to prove he loves me. Is it wrong for me to want that?

Wondering

Dear, AHEM! Wond-(choke, cough cough)-ering,
Whoa girl! You did all that stuff? You guys are really goin’ at it like gangbusters! Wow! Triple anal? I can’t even imagine! Kinda hard not to though…Hmmm…Okay, okay, okay, (deep breath, calm down) Okay obviously when you say “the next level” You’re talking about what every girl wants: the joy of holy matrimony and, frankly if you’ve done all that with the guy, he’d better marry you! Drop a hint if you have to, but get that ring!

Dear Numbsain,
This is Wondering again. You’re a little confused, I’m not trying to get him to marry me! Oh hell no, I just want him to urinate on me. The ultimate act of love (sigh). The way a boy shows he truly cares for a girl. Who said anything about marriage? I wanna try golden showers!

Wondering

Dear Wondering,
Give him a six pack and lock the bathroom door. What the hell do you want from me! No wait, I don’t wanna know. (Yeesh! Disgusting!)

If you have a problem or need advice on a subject that is of a personal or embarrassing nature, or if you just need to speak confidentially with a sensitive, mature adult who is qualified to advise you, and promises to maintain your privacy, then you've come to the wrong place. We'll blab your secret all over town, and we'll also sell your information to third party vendors.

 By Numbsain...Take a tip from an expert: Don't ask me.

Bugs Are People Too! An Eyewitless Newsflinch Special Report

It’s long been considered common knowledge that insects have no emotions, are devoid of individual self awareness, and function as a “hive mind” or collective community. Though their necessity in the ecosystem is acknowledged, when found in our habitats they are simply regarded as pests and therefor we feel no guilt in exterminating them when we deem them a nuisance.

But recently scientists in the field of entomology have invented new technology which can decipher and record ultra-hi-speed brainwaves transmitted in the range in which insects communicate with each other and the findings are shocking. It turns out that insects have very complex thought patterns which resemble those of human beings. Although they “think” at a rate of speed that, to us, trivializes their importance, to an insect, these fraction-of-a-second mental manifestations can be quite significant. What this means is that we have been subjecting our fellow earth dwellers to unimaginable horrors that make the holocaust of eastern Europe seem like a mild break-out of the common cold.

In the following transcription we hear the thoughts of two houseflies recorded during a one half second stroke of a flyswatter. We’ve attributed the names Betty and Steve to the flies to protect their identities and because their real names are unpronounceable:

Steve: Well hello there! I’m Steve. Would you care to join me in consuming this nourishing feast of human fecal matter specks?

Betty: Why Steve that’s so thoughtful of you! This will be my first intake of sustenance since emerging from my larval stage. I’m Betty.

Steve: A pleasure to meet you Betty. Ah to be young again!

Betty: Yes it’s wonderful! I entered the world filled with youthful exuberance and excitement about my future! But I need the guidance of an experienced fly like you.

Steve: Well I’d be happy to take you under my wing, Betty. Any drosophila would be proud to have a sexy little fly like you by his side. You must have been a beautiful maggot.
 
Mmm! this feces looks delicious, teaming with organic sugars and bacteria! Which parts have you regurgitated gastric juices onto and begun to digest?

Steve: Just this area here. All the rest is fresh and flavorful, have as much as you like!

Betty: [Belchga-a-a-a! slurp slurp] WOW! this is so yummy! You have such refined taste!

Steve: Thank you. I guess when you’ve consumed as much fecal matter as I have you learn to appreciate the subtle aromatic nuances. Enjoy!

Betty: I never knew it could be so wonderful!

Steve: This is what life is all about: We’re born, we eat shit, and die. And somewhere in there we raise little maggots of our own and perpetuate ourselves.

Betty: I want to make maggots with you Steve! Will you show me how?

O-o-o-oh yea-a-h, But we can’t do it here. in fact we must leave this location fairly soon.

Betty: Oh but why, Steve?

Steve: I’m afraid there’s a flattener headed our way. It’s already begun its acceleration toward us and should be here within the hour.

Betty: A flattener? that sounds awful! surely it isn’t meant for us.

Steve: It is Betty, you see the human beings don’t like us and try to flatten us sometimes. But don’t worry, they’re so lethargic they rarely succeed but we do have to stay alert to avoid them.

Betty: Oh what a shame! and it’s so beautiful here. I guess we can always come back after the flattener leaves

Steve: Perhaps but let’s not worry about the future now. Consume a few more microns of poop and we’ll be on our way.

Betty: Okay I’m ready, Steve. Which direction are we headed?

Steve: Well we don’t want to fly directly into the flattener so I’m setting a course for that messy uncoordinated larval human  located at the southern end of this enclosed region.

Betty: Sounds good to me. may I fly in a random chaotic pattern approximating your trajectory?

Steve: Sure, Oh here it comes already looks like this human has incorporated a flick of the wrist into her attack.

Betty: Why do they dislike us so much, Steve? Don’t we serve an essential function in the ecosystem?

Steve: Uh no, not really. But that’s not why they dislike us. They hate anything that isn’t as massive as they are. Well I guess it’s time to go. I’m beginning my take off surge. My lifters are almost at launch velocity, how about yours Betty?

Betty: I’m good to go. Anytime you’re ready!

Steve: Up, up, and AW-A-A-A-AY-Y-Y! Betty? BETTY?

Betty: STEVE! I’ve eaten too much. I can’t get airborne. Help me!

Steve: Help you? What are you talking about, Betty? I’m just a fly. What am I supposed to do? That flattener is practically on top of you.

Betty: Oh Steve, life is cruel. I’ll never bear maggots. At least I had my last moments with you! Thank you for the wonderful poop we shared! EEEEEK! Its here! I’m flattening! Oh steve it hurts!

Steve: I can’t bear to watch! Oh how awful!

Betty: Oh this pain is unbearable…a-a-a-a-AAAAA-aaaarghlk-kl-glmf!

Steve: Rest in pieces, dear Betty.

30 to life for first degree bugslaughter.

—end of the transcription—

In another experiment we hear the thoughts of a daddy longlegs as he suffers at the hands of a child. note the Daddy longlegs has relatively slow brainwaves for an insect and the child used in the experiment was chosen for his quick reflexes:

He fought for his legs, his life, his dignity. He died without them all.

Daddy Long-Legs: I’m a proud and majestic daddy long-legs. The father figure of the insect world and I’m on a mission to find sustenance for my offspring.

Child: E-e-e-e-e-w-w-w-w-w G-r-r-r-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-s-s-s!!!

DLL: I beg your pardon have you looked at yourself in the mirror  lately human? Hey what’s he doing encroaching my personal space? Oh no you don’t! You won’t catch me you bully! Cmon legs! move!…

Child: Haha! Look at ‘im trying to get away! Got you sucker!

DLL: HEY! OW! THAT’S MY LEG! YOU’VE RIPPED IT OFF!
OH MY GOD THAT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL! It’s okay my instincts are kicking in! I’ve still got seven good legs le—

HEY!  YOU UNFEELING BASTARD! YOU’VE AMPUTATED ANOTHER OF MY PRECIOUS LEGS. OWWWWCH! AND NOW TWO MORE AT ONCE. I’M FEELING GREATLY REDUCED. I CAN BARELY WALK! OH HOW EMBARRASSING! WHAT WILL MY FAMILY THINK OF ME IF  I’M A CRIPPLE?

Child: Hahaha! Hyuk hyuk snicker!

DDL What? He’s laughing at me? Why I’ll show him! I’ll show them all! I’ll work twice as hard to do on four legs what most arachnids do on eight! My offspring will still be proud of what I’ll accomplish! YOU CAN TAKE HALF MY LEGS BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SPIRIT AWAY!

CHILD: HARDY HAR-HAR GUFFAW!

DLL: What’s he doing now? No! He wouldn’t! AAAAARGH! THREE MORE LEGS! G-GONE!  OH GOD! How could he? Oh the horror! At least I’ve still got one. And by damn if I’ve got one good leg to stand on, I’m not defeated yet! ..nng…ngNNNNG…This isn’t working! I can’t do anything with just one leg!  I can’t move my body… But I can still fight! What this human doesn’t realize is that "right rear 2" is my most powerful weight bearing leg! Here he comes! Boy is he in for a surprise. TAKE THAT, YOU FIEND!

[ploink]

AAHK! Oh my god! Oh my god!  No! What have you done? Look at me! I’m, I’m helpless! What are you gonna do to me now? Listen to me human child. I don’t know what I did to you, but I am deeply sorry! I never meant you, or your family any harm…EVER! You must understand I have a family to feed! 47 beautiful boys just like you, and 63 girls and they depend on me! They look up to me! They need me. Just like you depend on your dad-WAIT! WAIT!  DON’T DO THAT! My children love me and I love them… 

[Ding-a-ling-a ding ding ding ding dong…]

That’s it kid…yes it’s the ice cream truck, go ahead, run out there, you like ice cream right kid? Forget about flicking me across the room…that’s it…good…keep going…WAIT! NO!

[p-ting]

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-oooooooooooo…

[One week later in the central heating duct.]

…Uuuuh…Uuuuuhhhh…h-h-e-e-l-l-p  me-e-e…he-e-e-elp me…Huh? Whud ‘r you loogin’ at buddy? haven’t ya ever seen a d-daddy NO LEGS before? quit starin’ like I’m some kind of circus freak! Wait, I mean… could you spare a scrap of food? No don’t go, I’m starving…help a guy out wouldja…pal?

—That concludes the transcription. DLL died shortly after that.—

Next we will listen to a community of ants living in the basement of a residence whose occupants decided to call the exterminators to rid their house of the “unwanted pests” at a time which just happened to be one of the most significant events in all of ant history:

"We never meant to disrupt anyone's picnic, nor would we have eaten that much."

President Pismire: Hear Ye! Hear Ye! My fellow ants, I have an announcement to make on this joyous day! Today marks the 40 miliionth ant-iversary of Ant independance! As you all know we of this great colony are the direct descend-ants of the very first species of ants! We hold the original DNA coding from which all ants on earth are descended. Without us the entire genus of formicidae could not exist and the earth would be devoid of all antkind. Today our beloved queen shall give birth to 700 million adorable baby antlings, the new generation of ants which will save the world from the human's destructive powers. Our carefully planned mission can only be carried out by the brilliant young antlings we are about to hatch here today in this very colony. Somehow by divine serendipity the entire ceremony has been blessed. The humans, apparently sensing the importance of this day, have taken it upon themselves to vacate the premises apparently just for us and as a gesture of their intentions they’ve even sealed off the entire structure with a tent of some kind to ensure our safety during the ceremony. This is truly a blessed day let us sing the global Ant-them of our great species:

WE REP-RE-SENT- THE FOR-MI-CI-DAE OF THE EARTH, THE CHO-SEN ONES, WE KNOW OUR WORTH…WE (cough, cough) REP-RE-(gag choke wheeze!)-SENT (Ack-hack COUGH COUGH) HELP! WE’RE DYING (HACK WHEEZE COUGH! CHOKE!) AAAAARGH!!!…

—end of transcription—

The entire colony of 45 billion ants was wiped out by a professional extermination company on that day, Not a single ant escaped.

Of course this discovery poses many legal questions. Should the Orkin man be put on trial for mass murder? Should Black Flag® and Raid® be taken of the shelves? Should flyswatters be illegal and all who use them convicted of first degree bugslaughter? Should there be a mandatory 11:00am check out time at Roach Motels®?

Numbsain’s Unwind asks you the reader. Please comment below and let us know if you stand for insect rights.




This special addition of Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by:

Sue Bee Honey Farms...employing over 17 billion bees 22 years and counting
Sof-shield Inc...Car windshields that protect insects, not crash into them.
Infested Farms...Organic produce with all the brown spots nature intended!

Toy Store Employee Training Guide: Theft Prevention Procedure

You spot a 5 year old stuffing his pockets with Sponge Bob Erasers® valued at 59¢ per unit (manufacturers suggested retail price). The accomplice, the child's mother, supposedly unaware of the crime in progress struggles with a Rubik's Cube® 3 aisles over. What do you do?

1. DO NOT approach the suspect directly! This could appear threatening and cause the suspect to throw down the merchandise, possibly damaging it. Remember: the safety of the store and it's merchandise come first.

2. DO NOT approach the parent as they will never admit that their child has committed a crime. Parents are usually defensive and any confrontation can lead to a law suit if not a physical altercation.

3. DO NOT make announcements over the PA such as: "Code 7 aisle 5." Most career criminals or professional shoplifters pick up on this type of thing immediately and it could cause them to panic.

4. Clear as many customers out of the store as possible. Then secure the perimeter by stationing an employee at both ends of the aisle, just out of view.

5. Make one attempt to guide the perpetrator to the proper action by staging the following conversation within earshot:
"Hey George did you inventory those Sponge Bob Erasers?"
"Sure did, Steve. I know exactly how many we have in stock. Have we sold any yet?"
"Nope, not a one. Well, you're not doing anything, why don't you go count them again."
"Sure Steve, I will in exactly one minute after I finish up here."

Now the suspect knows he has one minute to put back all the stolen merchandise, but he may think he can run out of the store before you finish counting them.
So you add the following dialogue:

"Oh and George, they're doing some dangerous electrical work right outside the door so don't let any customers leave for the next five minutes."
"You got it Steve. That'll give me just enough time to count those erasers and then I'll let the folks out. IF the Sponge Bob Erasers are all still there, of course."

This procedure should solve the problem. If not you must proceed to step 6.

6. The suspect has shown himself to be irrational and desperate. The stolen items would more than likely be fenced and resold on the black market or worse, to a competitor. At this point you must subdue and incapacitate the suspect. But first the mother/accomplice must be dealt with.

7. Approach her and tell her she's won a sweepstakes, and in order to claim her prize, she must give an interview. Lure her into the back room with a stack of My First Wad® play money. Once in the back room, use chloroform to render the accomplice unconscious. Now, quietly escort all customers out the door and seal all exits and entrances.

8. Employees must don Batman Bat Gas Masks® before proceeding. As four employees close in on the suspect, Riot Control Barbie Nerve Gas® is released into the ventilation system so that he should already be feeling woozy. As his coordination falters he may reach for his weapon and attempt to discharge it. Quickly bombard the now armed felon from all sides with Nerf Darts® and ensnare him in a webbing of Spiderman Silly String®.

9. Recovery of the merchandise is first and foremost. As the felon becomes engulfed in the polymer-elastomeric product he will be both disoriented and immobilized enough to move in and separate him from the merchandise which should be handled with the utmost care to minimize damage.

10. Once the merchandise is safe, the felon can be destroyed with several rounds from a X-treme Assassin Pistol® fired at point blank range. Execute the same procedure for the accomplice who is harmlessly unconscious in the back room. The bodies should be disassembled with a Junior-the-Ripper Bone Saw®, or the Johnny Cadaver Autopsy Play Set®, carefullly wrapped and sealed in bubble-pack, boxed in cardboard shipping cartons, and disposed of in the dumpster behind the store.

Congratulations! you've just successfully averted a theft in progress and saved your employer potentially tens of dollars. Keep this document posted on the premises at all times and require employees to review it regularly.

These theft aversion procedures have been approved by the NSA, the NRA and are in compliance with the California State Penal Code and the California State Law Enforcement Act.

by Numbsain...He's been on both sides of the law, and he's still deciding.

Girls Gone Ferel!

Who doesn't love seeing REAL COLLEGE COEDS and teenaged Girl-Next Door types showing their Pookies and Hoo-Hoos RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!!!!! Nobody! And you'll never guess what's inside their teeny tiny wet see-through shirts!...YES!! THAT'S RIGHT!!! How did you know??? You must have seen the Girls Gone Wild videos! but GUESS WHAT?

They just got EVEN WILDER! In fact they've gone FERAL! That's Right! Jane Goodall move over, and take your stupid monkeys with you! We've captured (and video taped) the girls that have been going wild for so long they lost their way and FORGOT THEY WERE ONCE CIVILIZED!  Yes they've reverted back to the natural state of early humans, LIKE WILD ANIMALS! You won't want to miss these dirty, filthy, hairy, rodent infested girls running wild through the forest with with NO CLOTHES ON! Eating twigs and insects off the ground. But that's not even the best part!  Having adapted to wild life they have a heightened sense of smell! And a raunchy smell too!!! In fact THEY STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN!!! They don't bathe and they don't use feminine hygiene products! They're like a hairy naked version of Britney Spears!

OH EM GEE, THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!!

Yes these girls are actually ferel! Just like Paris Hilton! They go potty right on the ground and don't even wipe! They're mangy and full of lice and fleas and ticks! Living like monkeys eating and screwing anything that moves!

HAVE THEY NO SHAME?!?!

And we've caught them on video doing all the private things you'll never see girls do anywhere else. Why? Because it's disgusting! Real video tape of Live ferel girls eating roadkill right off the street, WITH THEIR FINGERS! Desperate high-school drop-outs scratching each others faces off over a McDonalds bag with some ketchup in it! AND WAIT'LL YOU SEE WHAT THEY'LL DO FOR A CHICKEN McNUGGET!!! YECHHH!

THEY'RE LITERALLY STARVING!

Watch them waste away and die on camera! They're out there fighting for survival in the wilderness! Having sex with LEPRECHAUNS for breakfast cereal! Our crews are sworn not to upset nature's delcate balance and interfere with the process of natural selection just so we can bring you this never before seen footage! They pick their noses! They take a dump in the woods, Sleep in compost piles for warmth! Some of them even have menstrual blood running down their legs!

EW GROSS!

But that's not all! On video 1. watch what happens when these crazy desperate girls find a trailer park. YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT THOSE CRAZY REDNECKS DO TO THESE GIRLS!!!
But wait! You'll also get video 2. Check out the mayhem when three of these girls take on a mountain lion! GIRL PARTS FLYING EVERYWHERE!!! ONLY ONE OF THEM GETS AWAY! But dies a few minutes later from loss of blood!

RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!!!

But there's MORE!!!! On video 3. we reunite one of thesecrazy girls with her boyfriend and what does she do?
SHE CANNIBALIZES HIM!!!!

And we've captured it all on three amazing videos you won't want to watch!
BUT YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS EITHER!

ORDER YOUR GIRLS GONE FERAL 3 VIDEO COLLECTION TODAY!
and if you order in the next 13 seconds we'll throw in the newest video:

GIRLS GONE RANCID!
Real College Coed Cadavers decomposing right before your very nose!

NUMBSAIN'S BESTSELLERS LIST

Why Optimism Never Works by Osgood Azitgetz

Kicking Rehab by Don Juan Toquitte

How to Read by A. Beseekian

Sarcasm Schmarcasm by Tsar Castic

Killing your Anger by Hoss Tilly

Finishing what You Sta by A.D. Dee

Living with Death by Mort Titian

Raising your Self Esteem—For Dummies by Stew P. Diddiate

Paris on $3,000 a Day by Rich Pigg

Parapalegics Handbook by Peg Legg

Cooking with Food by I.B. Eaton

Brain Twisters made Easy by Les Workman

Memorize Spontaneity by Rote

Drowning Worms & Catching Fish by Rod N. Reale

Putting off Procrastination by I. Ken Waite

You Can't Have Nothing by M.T. Hand

Exaggeration Will Destroy Us All!!! by Wolfe Cryer

How to Avoid Karma by N. Evita Bull

A Gude to Pefect Proofeading by Hugh Mistwan

Everything You Want To Know About The Unknown by Miss Terry Solver

What You'll Know After Reading This Book by Dewey Caretol

Drawing Manual—and people that look like him by Varispa Siffick

Fight Rebellion by Jess Dewitt

Zeroing in on the Big Picture by Miss Gnoamer

The Whole Story—Volume One by Ima Lyer

Stop Doing Nothing by Don Dewitt

Exposing Exhibitionism by I.C. Yerbutte

Safety in Letters by Count Tutten

Bigots Are All Alike by Bud Yusedd

Everything Exists by Noah Brainard


Far Away Things Can't Get Any Closer by Anne Stillby-Farr

The Future of History by Bakkon Forthe

If You Say Your Lying, You're Not, So You Are. by Thad Steep

The More You Want The Less You Have by I. Ronnick

You'll Never Know What Killed You by Juan Derrin

Shakespeare for Americans Series by Bill Trembleskewer


President Lear
Comedy of Screw-Ups
Rambo and Juliet
A Midsummer Nights Tailgate Party
Mickey Beth
Green Eggs and Hamlet
The Date Rape of Lucy
The Dealer of Vegas
A Shit-Fit About Nothing
Bitchslapping of the Ho
Dick of New York

Special Edition Audio Tape Books

Britney "Shakes" Spear:
5 Shakespeare Classics Read by Britney Spear

William Shakespeare Set to Music:
Carol King Lear

Bigots Are All Alike

by numbsain
Ah! Heah we go princess, Lou-weegee's Gawmay Cuizeen, eh? Eh? Ya like Eye-talian food don'tcha? Well don'tcha? Ya gotta eat, I mean look atcha, ya nuthin' but skin and bones fuh cryin' out loud. So you could eat, right? Right?

Y-e-e-s mother-r-r.

Uh-right. Eye-talian food is good. I hope it's not one o' them Mafia owned joints, Yaw fathuh would NEVUH go eat Eye-talian. "They're all mobsters," he'd say...

Oh Mom, please!...

Ooooh! Red cawpets! Classy joint eh?... Pahty of two please.

Spit out your gum, mother.

Uh-boy, lookit, ya see dat guy? Ya see Skah-face ovah theah? Mafia written awl over 'em. Oy vey.

Mother, he's a waiter.

Oh no, Scah-face is a hit man fuh the mob ahm tellin' ya. Look at his eyes... (bas-tuhd)

Oh, hello, ah'll have the... um, louey-gweeno crab-on-aro an' do you have Manischevitz? Oh, then just a house white, thank yew.

Oh... Moy... Gawd! Lookit, look at dis what just wawked in! It's Chahlie Chan an' the Dragon Lady. Lookit huh; She's prah-bly 95 yeahs old and she looks like she' s fawty. Dat's them Awri-entals, they nevah age. Oh, lookit what he's got! dat's not a suit case, oh no, Chahlie Chans got a machine gun in theah! Dat's the Chinese Mafia right theah, Ahm tellin' ya!

Mother you are really going too far this time! Now just stop it!

Oh... foyn! (sniff) so that's the way ya tawk to ya muthuh... (snuk) I know when I'm not wanted.

Mother please.

Naomi Lookit! ya see doze Pawtuh Reekins ovah theah? Lookit Pancho's got a box! and they keep lookin' at Shang-hai Chahlie ovah theah!

Mother!

And Scah-face ovah theah keeps lookin' at 'em too! ...Oh moy gawd! Didjoo see dat? Pancho just winked at Scah-face and theah both lookin' at da Chinaman! Honey, uh, I gotta go pow-duh my nose...

Hello is dis the police station? ...You gotta get some squad cars down to Luigi's right away! It's a shoot out!!! somethin' big is goin' down heah! Hurry!

I'm back! whud I miss? It's okay baby, yuh muthuh took care of it. ...Oy Gutten Himmel! Lookit Naomi! See dat tray? He's got a AK-fawty seven under theah. Its a HIT! Get unduh the table honey! Lookit Pancho an' his gang are gettin' up and wawkin ovah theah too! Theah gonna rub out Shang-Hai Chahlie right heah! Stay behind me baby!

Mom! what are you doing?!

AWRIGHT FREEZE YOU BASTUHDS!!! PUT DOWN THE TRAY!! YEAH YOU, SCAH-FACE OVAH THEAH! AND DROP DAT BOX, PANCHO!!! ONE FAWLSE MOVE AN' I'LL BLOW YA FRIKKEN HEADS AWF!

MOTHER!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GUN?!?!

DROP THE GUN LADY!!!

Oh, Awffisuhs, heah's my gun. Thank Gawd you got heah just in time!

Let's go lady, put 'er in the squad car. You too miss.

Is everybody okay here? You okay Luigi? ...Oh good. By the way, thanks for catering the policeman's ball the other night. You okay Mayor Gutierrez? Oh great, The new youth center is really coming together, great work there sir. Councilman Chin, I apologize for this mess, I guess she spoiled the surprise but I hope that crazy old bat didn't completely ruin your evening sir. My partner took her down to the station so there won't be any more trouble. Well if everybody's alright, mind if I stick around and sing? ...Thanks, make a wish Councilman...

HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY TO YOU...

by numbsain...he's paht Jewish y'know

Aged Adage Aptitude Test

by numbsain

Have you ever noticed how elders don't really bother to talk about things anymore? They just have those old sayings, gems of wisdom and tidbits of advice that sum up every situation. Here's a multiple choice quiz to see if you were really listening or were they casting pearls before swine.

You can't keep a good man...
a. wrapped in plastic in the freezer
b. From wearing your lingerie
c. Fresh
d. down

Necessity is the mother of...
a. evil
b. Hercules
c. all battles
d. invention

You can't make a silk purse...
a. out of a monkeys scrotum
b. out of a sows ear
c. for a dead nurse
d. without breaking a few worms

Many a truth...
a. is said in jest
b. is said at gun point
c. is said with a flourish and a wink
d. is oft' uncouth

The grass is always greener...
a. if you water it
b. But your ass needs special cleaner
c. on the other side of the fence
d. in Kentucky in the spring

Father knows..
a. bourbon
b. best
c. squat
d. we hate him

You can take the kid out of the country...
a. but you can't leave him in Mexico
b. but you can't take the country out of the kid
c. but you can't launch him into space
d. But you can't keep running forever

Children should be seen...
a. and not run over
b. within the confines of a cell
c. and not heard
d. and not smelled

All work and no play makes Jack...
a. $$$RICH$$$
b. a dull boy
c. a valuable employee
d. have a midlife crisis at 25

Don't count your chickens...
a. out loud, others are trying to count too
b. before they're hatched
c. til you finish your vegetables
d. friends, count his enemies

A cat has nine...
a. lives
b. toes
c. ways to recline
d. thoughts a day

You can't teach an old dog...
a. algebra
b. to play dead, it's tempting fate
c. new tricks
d. to walk himself

It's better to have loved and lost...
a. all your teeth than date Lorena Bobbit
b. after you've brushed and flossed
c. count than to only love once
d. than never to have loved at all

The best things in life are...
a. taken
b. free
c. sex, drugs and rock and roll
d. really great

A bird in the hand..
a. is worth two in the bush
b. is usually terrified and will bite you
c. is the best way to deal with rude drivers
d. feels really weird

Time flies when you’re...
a. bored and want to see how fast they can go
b. old
c. having fun
d. going 299,792,458 meters per second

When the going gets tough...
a. the going gets rough
b. the meat gets tender
c. the tough strut their stuff
d. the tough get going

You can lead a horse to water...
a. but you can't lead a fish to hay
b. but you can't give him a bubble bath
c. by giving him clear written directions
d. but you can't make him drink

Winners never quit...
a. so don't try to beat them
b. and quitters never win
c. that's why there are so few of them left alive
d. and witters never quin

Beauty is only...
a. for women
b. until you get old, wrinkly, and saggy
c. skin deep
d. a matter of the right surgeon

Never let them see you...
a. pick your nose and wipe it under the table
b. sweat
c. naked
d. steal cash from your mom's purse

Monkey see...
a. monkey do
b. see? look at the monkey! Isn't he funny
c. all
d. you, monkey kill you

Curiosity killed...
a.  the surprise
b. the cat
c. my high
d. again

A watched pot...
a. never grows old
b. head always gets caught
c. Is a happy pot
d. never boils

People who live in glass houses...
a. are exhibitionists
b. shouldn't throw stones
c. are in the clear
d. don't need windows

You can't squeeze blood out of...
a. a hamster
b. a dead hemophiliac
c. a turnip
d. kosher meat

Don't throw good money...
a. in the toilet
b. after bad
c. at beggars
d. out with the bath water

He who laughs last...
a. cries first
b. laughs best
c. is the stupidest
d. voted for Numbsain's Unwind

The letter of the right answer for each is indicated to the left of the correct choice.

by numbsain

Numbsain Speaks Frankly on Raising Children

The First Day: it was excruciating but now the payoff
Bringing a beautiful newborn baby into the world is the stupidest decision a woman can make. But unfortunately, you've done it and there's no putting it back. Abortion is no longer an option and chances are, it's alive. It has feelings, needs, demands and it wasn't born yesterday (not yet anyway), it knows who's responsible. You are. It also knows that there are laws about not giving it what it wants and it will manipulate you accordingly. First thing you have to do is feed it. You panic because you have no idea how. The local market doesn't have Purina Baby Chow and it has no teeth anyway. Relax. No, you don't have to regurgitate predigested worms into its mouth. Just do what you do to shut any adult male up, whip out your funbags. There is no need to be coy about it and sexy strip tease moves are inappropriate. Just shove the tit into the brats mouth and your done...except now you have a thing hanging from your tit.

Crying: a cry for help disguised as crying
You've gotten past the first hurdle—now's the fun part. That unappreciative little bastard is crying incessantly. “Where did I go wrong?” you may ask. You're an idiot. You put stuff into your child, of course it's going to come back out, and smelling a lot worse. You probably wrapped it up in that new blanket you bought thinking it will keep your baby warm and cozy for years. Throw it away, it's got poop all over it because you forgot to diaper your child. So you put it in the bathroom and tell the disgusting thing to clean itself, for gods sake. Sorry! It can't, you have to. Children are an excellent source of poop, pee, drool, snot, vomit and noise. Get used to it. You'll have an abundance of these for the next few years.

The #@!*% Twos: @#%#^@&*
You haven't had a good nights sleep because of that miniature slave driver demanding something every ten minutes, but at least you can tell it off and it won't talk back. Sorry, that's over now too, along with all your other pleasures in life. It talks now. Not only that, it's incredibly stupid and chatters about the dumbest things all day long. It will repeat everything you say at the most inappropriate times, tell everyone all your secrets, and complain about everything you do. What's worse, it doesn't know what anything is and it will ask you a thousand questions, never understanding any answer you give. When it runs out of questions, it will sit there and ask “why?” until you say “Because I said so, Dammit!” And then it will ask, “why did you said so dammit, mommy?” But you still can't kill it.

Abuse & Neglect: when is it necessary?
Always. You will find it absolutely necessary to beat your child and leave it in the car with the windows rolled up just to maintain your own sanity. Unfortunately it will only make your child worse. If you kill it, you're in trouble, if you abuse it, you're in trouble and if you don't get caught, you will simply have to deal with your own homegrown co-dependent sociopath for the rest of your life. Yes, abusing and neglecting children only turns them into lifelong con artists. Because they were taught at an early age that their needs will not be met by simply asking, they will make a lifelong career out of conning, scamming, manipulating, coercing, tricking and duping others into doing what they want. And they will become experts at it. At best, abusing your child-monster will turn it into a liar, a cheater, a compulsive addict, and a social misfit. At worst, a felon, a psychopath or a serial killer. And they don't make scholastic achievement bumper stickers for those things.

School Days: a slight reprieve just to remind you what you've lost.
You've gotten this far and you've managed to refrain from doing any irreversible damage to your devil's spawn. Now, finally it gets better. You get to ship them off to school for 6 hours a day. Six glorious hours of peace and quiet, doing all the things you used to do. Like dating and flirting and getting laid. Only one little problem. You've gained 40 pounds and you look like shit. So you lower your standards and increase your opportunities. You go to the grocery store in a miniskirt with no panties and flash the bag boy until he gives you a two minute roll in the shopping cart. Then it's time to pick up your little Nazi from school. Maybe it had a good experience and did well in the educational system. The child will become judgmental and preachy with you or even turn you in to the police for something you had in your sock drawer. Or maybe it had a bad experience in school and you have to console and comfort the insolent pest, even convince it to go back tomorrow for more of the same.

Puberty: natures way of saying, “Ha  ha ha ha ha FUCK YOU!!!”
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you realize that this unbearable hell that now comprises your life is nothing more than a supreme test. The job now is to desensitize yourself enough to cope with what seems like an endless downward spiral toward your slow torturous grueling death. Now you must compete with your child for the things you want. Except they are far better at getting those things than you are. They snatch them right out from under your nose and then taunt you with them. Not only that, they won't have a clue what to do with it once they've got it. So they'll just waste precious resources and nobody will get to screw the bag boy.


Your Child is an Adult: and pigs are flying out of my ass
Thank god it's over. You've raised your child and it's depleted you of every ounce of motivation, drive and strength you had. At least now you can start over from scratch. With your expectations lowered to about 5 percent of what you once hoped for in life, you now have the time and peace of mind to enjoy what little is left of your sorry existence. But wait! Something is terribly wrong! They haven't left! It seems you haven't done enough, haven't torn enough flesh from your body to be granted the right to shove this horrible mistake out the door for it to fend for itself. It's helpless and useless and it's clinging on to you for dear life! It's, and yours. You go to the closet for the shotgun feeling somehow comforted by the fact of finally having the resolve to do what you've been considering for all these years. You slowly raise the barrel to your mouth and in walks shithead. Your beloved offspring grabs the gun and after taking your entire life away from you, takes your death as well. You are now a walking zombie. You know nothing, you feel nothing, you say nothing. You return to the routine of everyday life, going through the motions mindlessly waiting for a terminal illness to mercifully end the abysmal doldrums.

Your Child is in its 30's: You've find inner peace, who knew? 
Well, the walking death that has been your life experience for the past ten years has seasoned you. Somehow from this whole sordid affair you've learned the supreme lesson of acceptance. A total letting go of the ego. Fear is no longer an issue because you've had the worst already. Now you look back and marvel at how easy it all could have been if you only knew then what you know now. The car stops, your child gets out of the drivers seat and politely walks around to open your door. The two of you walk hand in hand up to the large stone building. The doctor and a nurse escort you in to your ward where you will be monitored closely for any signs of enlightenment which, if detected, will be quickly squelched with medication. Sweet dreams.
 
By Numbsain...a guy who's been there and back and forgot his underpants

Brought to you by:
Johnsons Baby Oil...coldpressed, made from 100% organic babies.
Uglies Pull-Off Diaper...for kids who just never stop shitting themselves.
Baby-be-Gone...instant baby repellant spray