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| This accident was the result of the motorcyclist's mistaken belief in the non-existence of cars. |
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| This fatal accident involved three extremely large women acting all crazy as extremely large women are known to do. |
It has been proven that car accidents are the number one cause of highway fatalities and that 99% of those accidents are caused by the drivers of the very same vehicles crashing into each other. The other one percent are caused by women flashing their tits along the side of the road. In fact seeing tits along the side of the road is one of the few legitimate defenses in vehicular manslaughter cases.
In an effort to reduce the number of fatal accidents on the highways, Numbsain's Unwind, with it's staff of experts in the field of driver psychology, has been asked to create a test to help the Department of Motor Vehicles determine the safety of those to whom they issue licenses. Here's an exclusive sneak preview of the test. Shhhh! Don't tell the DMV.
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| This driver was a victim of false advertising by the pharmacy. |
a. To commute to and from work, or to go shopping.
b. To feel the freedom and exhilaration of the open road.
c. To create rush hour traffic jams by deliberately blocking open lanes going really slow.
d. To break the world speed record for driving in heavy traffic.
2. In what state do you operate your vehicle?
a. California
b. Nevada
c. A state of abject terror.
3. What type of vehicle do you own?
a. A modest mid-sized sedan.
b. A monster truck that takes up two lanes and spews black smoke when idling.
c. A tricycle.
4. What is your penis/breast size?
a. Average.
b. Ginourmous—people gasp when they/it are/is revealed.
c. Dinky and pathetic.
5. What type of person usually owns the vehicle you wish you owned?
a. Upstanding hard-working people who have earned what they have.
b. Lucky sons-of-bitches with rich parents who never did an honest days work in their lives.
c. The type of person you would like to get to know.
d. The type of person you would like to kill slowly and watch them suffer.
6. What type of driver do you consider yourself to be?
a. Flirtatious
b. Passionate
c. Tolerant
d. Impatient
e. Panicky
f. Flamboyant
7. How do you generally feel when you are driving?
a. Nauseated
b. Misty
c. Entitled
d. Fanciful
e. Invincible
f. Suicidal
8. Which best describes you when you are driving?
a. King of the road.
b. Queen of the road.
c. Joker of the road.
d. Kill of the road.
9. What personal quality makes you MORE entitled to the road than other drivers?
a. Your devastating good looks.
b. Your Ph.D in veterinary psychology.
c. Your child’s Student of the Month status at Jefferson Elementary School.
d. Your ability to chew gum, and understand the needs of your fellow man, simultaneously.
10. Most people pull over immediately when a police car is behind them with the red lights flashing. Under what circumstance(s) would you choose to evade the police?
a. When the police officers appear to be jacked up on donuts.
b. When the liquor store is about to close.
c. When you're coming from the sperm bank with a car full of teenaged girls who accidentally opened the bottle filled with your sperm and spilled it in their vaginas.
d. When you're not sure if the junkie hitchhikers you picked up earlier left their needles and mostly empty bags of heroin in the back seat, or if they’re dead back there.
11. When involved in a high speed road race and you are side by side with the other driver, which of the following are they most likely to see when they look at you?
a. You leaning forward, white knuckled with a look of intense concentration.
b. You scratching your head looking down at a map with the dome light on.
c. You eating a plate of spaghetti with a glass of wine in your steering hand.
d. You holding a poodle and rocking his head side to side making kissy faces.
12. Most people try to obey traffic laws. Under what circumstance(s) does driving become an all-out, anything goes, free-for-all?
a. Your birthday.
b. When you have to go to the bathroom.
c. When you are being descended upon by alien spacecraft
d. At 4am during the police shift change.
13. When you’ve hit a pedestrian and they are still alive, which of the following do you do?
a. Back up over them again and make sure they are dead, then leave quickly
b. Call the police and wait with the victim until the ambulance arrives.
c. Call your therapist and try to talk through your guilt feelings.
d. Get as far away as you can, and get your vehicle repainted as soon as possible.
e. Stand over them and ask them how it feels to be crushed under the wheels of a vehicle driven by the nerdy little kid you bullied in grade school, but all growed up now. Then piss all over them and drop a lit match expecting them to burst into flames.
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| This driver asked for directions and was told to go to hell. |
14. When you drive off a 300 ft. cliff and are free-falling through mid air towards the ground below, which of the following do you do?
a. Turn your wheels in the direction of the ground and press the brakes lightly.
b. Call the police, tell them where you will impact, and wait for them to arrive.
c. Check the seatbelts of child passengers and secure any loose objects in vehicle.
d. Finish your beer and say as much of the Lords Prayer as you have time for.
e. Open all windows to let some fresh air in and put some nice music on the radio.
15. When you are driving a stolen vehicle, with no license, and warrants, and you are pulled over, which of the following describes your attitude toward the officer?
a. Polite and courteous.
b. Familiar and raucous.
c. Sarcastic and snide.
d. Coquettish and flirty.
e. Innocent and choir-boy-like.
16. When cussing out another driver, which of the following types of verbal abuse would you most likely use?
a. Smug, superior sarcasm with subtle, belittling digs, and snipes.
b. Pure unbridled vitriol and unrestrained, mouth-foaming, fist-waving rage.
c. Personal attacks to their character, social status and physical endowment.
d. Moral judgements, preachy condemnation, and manipulative guilt trips.
e. logical inquiries as to their decisions and motives in choosing you, of all people, to fuck with today, of all days.
17. When driving 80 mph in a 25 mph school zone when children are present, and you see a ball roll out into the street, what do you do?
a. honk the horn to warn children of your approach.
b. swerve to avoid the ball.
c. Slam on the brakes.
d. question your values and try to go to church more often.
18. When a beggar approaches your vehicle asking for money, which of the following are you most likely to do?
a. Roll up the windows, lock the doors and look straight ahead like a scared robot.
b. Fish around in your pockets until the light changes, shrug and say, “Sorry.”
c. Turn the radio up really loud and sing along angrily while glaring at them.
d. Hand them a quarter, and then give them the ghetto handshake acting as if you’re their “homey” and you’ve “been there, bro, so you know what it’s like." Then slowly drive off in your lamborghini.
19. If you were involved in a fatal car accident in which their were no survivors, what would you say to the police when they arrived on the scene ?
a. It's okay officers everyone here is dead so there's no need to worry about saving anyone.
b. CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO? I'M RIGHT HERE, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE OR HEAR ME?
c. ...
d. BOOOoooooooOOOOooooo, WooooooOOOOOooo, BoooooOOOOO. Are you scared? Huh? Huh? Are ya? BOOOOOOOOooooooOOOO! Nothin' eh?
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| Fortunately this shot was taken with a steady-cam which completely cushioned the impact of the log and prevented the drivers head from being flattened and imbedded into the head rest. |
If you wish you may enter in the results of your test into the comments box below but it really won't tell anyone anything because we were just bullshitting the DMV. We don't know a damn thing about driver psychology and we feel that car accidents are all a part of the natural selection process that keeps humans at the top of the food chain.
By Numbsain...He drives like a maniac, but a courteous maniac.
