Fortune 500 Cookies

I found a new Chinese restaurant that has the good kind of fortune cookies. Only  problem is they're very stingy with them. I figured if I come in with a party of five i should get five fortune cookies at the end of the meal. So I came in and said the other four were on their way and we'd all like to start with dessert. They asked me what dessert we wanted and I said, "the free fortune cookies." I figured I'd just wait a little while and then say, "I guess they couldn't find parking so I'll go out and bring them their fortune cookies so they can get started. Suddenly two girls came out of the back and started pawing all over me. I said, "I'll give you exactly one hour to stop doing that!"

But they stopped after about thirty seconds so I left with my cookies. Then I realized they picked my pockets and took a hundred dollars. So I wet back the next day and held the place up at gun point. I told 'em, "put all the fortune cookies in this bag and nobody gets hurt!" So I got the cookies. But the next day they came to my house and ate all my fish and house plants, murdered my TV and had sex with my cat.  I didn't know what was gonna happen next so I opened a cookie and read the fortune. It said,

"Okay first slash all their tires then call the police and tell them about the opium business they have back there..."

I did and it turns out it was a 5-year-old kid that wrote me that note, and he writes the cookies too. So I asked him to be my apprentice and teach me everything he knows about comedy writing.

by Numbsain.. above and beyond to bring you the best!