But recently scientists in the field of entomology have invented new technology which can decipher and record ultra-hi-speed brainwaves transmitted in the range in which insects communicate with each other and the findings are shocking. It turns out that insects have very complex thought patterns which resemble those of human beings. Although they “think” at a rate of speed that, to us, trivializes their importance, to an insect, these fraction-of-a-second mental manifestations can be quite significant. What this means is that we have been subjecting our fellow earth dwellers to unimaginable horrors that make the holocaust of eastern Europe seem like a mild break-out of the common cold.
In the following transcription we hear the thoughts of two houseflies recorded during a one half second stroke of a flyswatter. We’ve attributed the names Betty and Steve to the flies to protect their identities and because their real names are unpronounceable:
Steve: Well hello there! I’m Steve. Would you care to join me in consuming this nourishing feast of human fecal matter specks?
Betty: Why Steve that’s so thoughtful of you! This will be my first intake of sustenance since emerging from my larval stage. I’m Betty.
Steve: A pleasure to meet you Betty. Ah to be young again!
Betty: Yes it’s wonderful! I entered the world filled with youthful exuberance and excitement about my future! But I need the guidance of an experienced fly like you.
Steve: Well I’d be happy to take you under my wing, Betty. Any drosophila would be proud to have a sexy little fly like you by his side. You must have been a beautiful maggot.
Mmm! this feces looks delicious, teaming with organic sugars and bacteria! Which parts have you regurgitated gastric juices onto and begun to digest?
Steve: Just this area here. All the rest is fresh and flavorful, have as much as you like!
Betty: [Belchga-a-a-a! slurp slurp] WOW! this is so yummy! You have such refined taste!
Steve: Thank you. I guess when you’ve consumed as much fecal matter as I have you learn to appreciate the subtle aromatic nuances. Enjoy!
Betty: I never knew it could be so wonderful!
Steve: This is what life is all about: We’re born, we eat shit, and die. And somewhere in there we raise little maggots of our own and perpetuate ourselves.
Betty: I want to make maggots with you Steve! Will you show me how?
O-o-o-oh yea-a-h, But we can’t do it here. in fact we must leave this location fairly soon.
Betty: Oh but why, Steve?
Steve: I’m afraid there’s a flattener headed our way. It’s already begun its acceleration toward us and should be here within the hour.
Betty: A flattener? that sounds awful! surely it isn’t meant for us.
Steve: It is Betty, you see the human beings don’t like us and try to flatten us sometimes. But don’t worry, they’re so lethargic they rarely succeed but we do have to stay alert to avoid them.
Betty: Oh what a shame! and it’s so beautiful here. I guess we can always come back after the flattener leaves
Steve: Perhaps but let’s not worry about the future now. Consume a few more microns of poop and we’ll be on our way.
Betty: Okay I’m ready, Steve. Which direction are we headed?
Steve: Well we don’t want to fly directly into the flattener so I’m setting a course for that messy uncoordinated larval human located at the southern end of this enclosed region.
Betty: Sounds good to me. may I fly in a random chaotic pattern approximating your trajectory?
Steve: Sure, Oh here it comes already looks like this human has incorporated a flick of the wrist into her attack.
Betty: Why do they dislike us so much, Steve? Don’t we serve an essential function in the ecosystem?
Steve: Uh no, not really. But that’s not why they dislike us. They hate anything that isn’t as massive as they are. Well I guess it’s time to go. I’m beginning my take off surge. My lifters are almost at launch velocity, how about yours Betty?
Betty: I’m good to go. Anytime you’re ready!
Steve: Up, up, and AW-A-A-A-AY-Y-Y! Betty? BETTY?
Betty: STEVE! I’ve eaten too much. I can’t get airborne. Help me!
Steve: Help you? What are you talking about, Betty? I’m just a fly. What am I supposed to do? That flattener is practically on top of you.
Betty: Oh Steve, life is cruel. I’ll never bear maggots. At least I had my last moments with you! Thank you for the wonderful poop we shared! EEEEEK! Its here! I’m flattening! Oh steve it hurts!
Steve: I can’t bear to watch! Oh how awful!
Betty: Oh this pain is unbearable…a-a-a-a-AAAAA-aaaarghlk-kl-glmf!
Steve: Rest in pieces, dear Betty.
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| 30 to life for first degree bugslaughter. |
—end of the transcription—
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| He fought for his legs, his life, his dignity. He died without them all. |
Daddy Long-Legs: I’m a proud and majestic daddy long-legs. The father figure of the insect world and I’m on a mission to find sustenance for my offspring.
Child: E-e-e-e-e-w-w-w-w-w G-r-r-r-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-s-s-s!!!
DLL: I beg your pardon have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately human? Hey what’s he doing encroaching my personal space? Oh no you don’t! You won’t catch me you bully! Cmon legs! move!…
Child: Haha! Look at ‘im trying to get away! Got you sucker!
DLL: HEY! OW! THAT’S MY LEG! YOU’VE RIPPED IT OFF!
OH MY GOD THAT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL! It’s okay my instincts are kicking in! I’ve still got seven good legs le—
HEY! YOU UNFEELING BASTARD! YOU’VE AMPUTATED ANOTHER OF MY PRECIOUS LEGS. OWWWWCH! AND NOW TWO MORE AT ONCE. I’M FEELING GREATLY REDUCED. I CAN BARELY WALK! OH HOW EMBARRASSING! WHAT WILL MY FAMILY THINK OF ME IF I’M A CRIPPLE?
Child: Hahaha! Hyuk hyuk snicker!
DDL What? He’s laughing at me? Why I’ll show him! I’ll show them all! I’ll work twice as hard to do on four legs what most arachnids do on eight! My offspring will still be proud of what I’ll accomplish! YOU CAN TAKE HALF MY LEGS BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SPIRIT AWAY!
CHILD: HARDY HAR-HAR GUFFAW!
DLL: What’s he doing now? No! He wouldn’t! AAAAARGH! THREE MORE LEGS! G-GONE! OH GOD! How could he? Oh the horror! At least I’ve still got one. And by damn if I’ve got one good leg to stand on, I’m not defeated yet! ..nng…ngNNNNG…This isn’t working! I can’t do anything with just one leg! I can’t move my body… But I can still fight! What this human doesn’t realize is that "right rear 2" is my most powerful weight bearing leg! Here he comes! Boy is he in for a surprise. TAKE THAT, YOU FIEND!
[ploink]
AAHK! Oh my god! Oh my god! No! What have you done? Look at me! I’m, I’m helpless! What are you gonna do to me now? Listen to me human child. I don’t know what I did to you, but I am deeply sorry! I never meant you, or your family any harm…EVER! You must understand I have a family to feed! 47 beautiful boys just like you, and 63 girls and they depend on me! They look up to me! They need me. Just like you depend on your dad-WAIT! WAIT! DON’T DO THAT! My children love me and I love them…
[Ding-a-ling-a ding ding ding ding dong…]
That’s it kid…yes it’s the ice cream truck, go ahead, run out there, you like ice cream right kid? Forget about flicking me across the room…that’s it…good…keep going…WAIT! NO!
[p-ting]
NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-oooooooooooo…
[One week later in the central heating duct.]
…Uuuuh…Uuuuuhhhh…h-h-e-e-l-l-p me-e-e…he-e-e-elp me…Huh? Whud ‘r you loogin’ at buddy? haven’t ya ever seen a d-daddy NO LEGS before? quit starin’ like I’m some kind of circus freak! Wait, I mean… could you spare a scrap of food? No don’t go, I’m starving…help a guy out wouldja…pal?
—That concludes the transcription. DLL died shortly after that.—
Next we will listen to a community of ants living in the basement of a residence whose occupants decided to call the exterminators to rid their house of the “unwanted pests” at a time which just happened to be one of the most significant events in all of ant history:
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| "We never meant to disrupt anyone's picnic, nor would we have eaten that much." |
WE REP-RE-SENT- THE FOR-MI-CI-DAE OF THE EARTH, THE CHO-SEN ONES, WE KNOW OUR WORTH…WE (cough, cough) REP-RE-(gag choke wheeze!)-SENT (Ack-hack COUGH COUGH) HELP! WE’RE DYING (HACK WHEEZE COUGH! CHOKE!) AAAAARGH!!!…
—end of transcription—
The entire colony of 45 billion ants was wiped out by a professional extermination company on that day, Not a single ant escaped.
Of course this discovery poses many legal questions. Should the Orkin man be put on trial for mass murder? Should Black Flag® and Raid® be taken of the shelves? Should flyswatters be illegal and all who use them convicted of first degree bugslaughter? Should there be a mandatory 11:00am check out time at Roach Motels®?
Numbsain’s Unwind asks you the reader. Please comment below and let us know if you stand for insect rights.
This special addition of Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by:
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