Toy Store Employee Training Guide: Theft Prevention Procedure

You spot a 5 year old stuffing his pockets with Sponge Bob Erasers® valued at 59¢ per unit (manufacturers suggested retail price). The accomplice, the child's mother, supposedly unaware of the crime in progress struggles with a Rubik's Cube® 3 aisles over. What do you do?

1. DO NOT approach the suspect directly! This could appear threatening and cause the suspect to throw down the merchandise, possibly damaging it. Remember: the safety of the store and it's merchandise come first.

2. DO NOT approach the parent as they will never admit that their child has committed a crime. Parents are usually defensive and any confrontation can lead to a law suit if not a physical altercation.

3. DO NOT make announcements over the PA such as: "Code 7 aisle 5." Most career criminals or professional shoplifters pick up on this type of thing immediately and it could cause them to panic.

4. Clear as many customers out of the store as possible. Then secure the perimeter by stationing an employee at both ends of the aisle, just out of view.

5. Make one attempt to guide the perpetrator to the proper action by staging the following conversation within earshot:
"Hey George did you inventory those Sponge Bob Erasers?"
"Sure did, Steve. I know exactly how many we have in stock. Have we sold any yet?"
"Nope, not a one. Well, you're not doing anything, why don't you go count them again."
"Sure Steve, I will in exactly one minute after I finish up here."

Now the suspect knows he has one minute to put back all the stolen merchandise, but he may think he can run out of the store before you finish counting them.
So you add the following dialogue:

"Oh and George, they're doing some dangerous electrical work right outside the door so don't let any customers leave for the next five minutes."
"You got it Steve. That'll give me just enough time to count those erasers and then I'll let the folks out. IF the Sponge Bob Erasers are all still there, of course."

This procedure should solve the problem. If not you must proceed to step 6.

6. The suspect has shown himself to be irrational and desperate. The stolen items would more than likely be fenced and resold on the black market or worse, to a competitor. At this point you must subdue and incapacitate the suspect. But first the mother/accomplice must be dealt with.

7. Approach her and tell her she's won a sweepstakes, and in order to claim her prize, she must give an interview. Lure her into the back room with a stack of My First Wad® play money. Once in the back room, use chloroform to render the accomplice unconscious. Now, quietly escort all customers out the door and seal all exits and entrances.

8. Employees must don Batman Bat Gas Masks® before proceeding. As four employees close in on the suspect, Riot Control Barbie Nerve Gas® is released into the ventilation system so that he should already be feeling woozy. As his coordination falters he may reach for his weapon and attempt to discharge it. Quickly bombard the now armed felon from all sides with Nerf Darts® and ensnare him in a webbing of Spiderman Silly String®.

9. Recovery of the merchandise is first and foremost. As the felon becomes engulfed in the polymer-elastomeric product he will be both disoriented and immobilized enough to move in and separate him from the merchandise which should be handled with the utmost care to minimize damage.

10. Once the merchandise is safe, the felon can be destroyed with several rounds from a X-treme Assassin Pistol® fired at point blank range. Execute the same procedure for the accomplice who is harmlessly unconscious in the back room. The bodies should be disassembled with a Junior-the-Ripper Bone Saw®, or the Johnny Cadaver Autopsy Play Set®, carefullly wrapped and sealed in bubble-pack, boxed in cardboard shipping cartons, and disposed of in the dumpster behind the store.

Congratulations! you've just successfully averted a theft in progress and saved your employer potentially tens of dollars. Keep this document posted on the premises at all times and require employees to review it regularly.

These theft aversion procedures have been approved by the NSA, the NRA and are in compliance with the California State Penal Code and the California State Law Enforcement Act.

by Numbsain...He's been on both sides of the law, and he's still deciding.