Misfortune Cookies...a fresh batch.

I was eating at my favorite Chinese restaurant all last week so I could get some more fortune cookies for my blog. Monday I had Sum Fat Kow and a dish called Mai Shu that was kind of leathery. Tuesday I ate Thousand-Year-Old Egg Foo Young. Wednesday I was broke so the waiter recommended No Foo Fo Yu and Yu Go Dum Guy which I didn't care for. I ended up having General Ko's Chicken (He left and didn't finish it). Thursday I hit the dumpster in the back for some One-Thousand-Year-and-Three-Days-Old Egg foo Young which must have gone bad because it made me sick—funny how, after a thousand years, three days makes a difference—But it was still tasty. Friday I got my paycheck so i ate inside again and had Three Taste Seafood which was disappointing cause I had three tastes and they took it away! So I ordered the Egg Drop Soup but I had to scoop it up off the floor. The Twice Cooked Pork was a little undercooked so I had them make me Thrice Cooked Pork and by the time it got to me it tasted a little like the One-Thousand-Year-Old Egg-Foo-Young. But I got the fortunes...unfortunately...

  
I got the feeling they didn't like me at that Chinese restaurant so I asked them where I could buy a bag of the cookies. They said you can't buy these cookies 'cause they make them special just for me. Guess I was wrong.

By Numbsain...He was born the year of the star-bellied sneetch.

Fortune Cookies Then and Then.

The Chinese tradition of ending each meal with a cookie containing a fortune dates back to prehistoric times before the development of written language. Cookies made of mashed midget pulp were fitted with a tiny device upon which a short rap style song was recorded and activated by biting the cookie. Fortunes usually consisted of buttering up the guest about what a playa pimp he is. Or for the women it was about how fine her booty was and how lucky she was to live to be gang raped another day. These fortunes were believed to bring good luck to the person if they survived the meal which usually consisted of bamboo shoots and uncooked Rhamphorynchus meat marinated in a fermented soy bean sauce made by the Kikkoman of the tribe.

Later, with the development of written language the fortunes were simply typeset in arial bold on a piece of  paper and threaded into the cookie which was made from whole grain lizard flour and high fructose corn syrup. The tradition grew in popularity as meals became increasingly survivable. But the fortunes became rude and insulting. Here are some examples.

 

Often fights would break out after the fortune reading ceremony and all the dinner guests would be killed with butter knives and forks which were traditionally inserted into the jugular vein. Today in the civilized world fortune cookies are viewed as entertainment and rarely result in violence or death. However they are usually tasteless and inedible due to a shortage of fresh lizard meal.

by Numbsain...Confucius say, "wtf?"

FORTUNE COOKIES

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT FORTUNE COOKIES DISPELLED:

Myth: Fortune cookies are chosen very carefully by a psychic Chinese person in the attic of the restaurant who watches each customer and channels their thoughts invoking the spirit of Buddha to choose the correct wisdom for that person. Then he writes the fortune on a little piece of paper and threads it into the cookie which is made from rice flour and spit.
Fact: The process by which all Chinese Restaurants insure that each fortune is accurate and appropriate for the person to whom it is served is a much more elaborate process that begins weeks before you ever even go to the restaurant, and involves mindreading, time travel and other highly advanced technologies that the western world knows nothing about.

Myth: Confucius was a wise teacher of ancient Chinese philosophy who invented a religion called Confucianism.
Fact: They just spelled “confusion” wrong.

Myth: Fortune cookies are edible.
Fact: They're cardboard.

Myth: The lottery numbers on the back of the fortune are real winning numbers.
Fact: The numbers on the back of fortunes are actually a secret code used by the Xian Dynasty to communicate clandestine plans while operating in the western world.

Myth: There is nothing sexual about the shape of a fortune cookie.
Fact: There is something sexual about the shape of a fortune cookie.