Numbsain’s Eyewitless Newsflinch

CRACK HOUSE GETS A NEW A-HOLE

Wow that stuff really is addictive

Another crack house was raided in East Slappaho, yesterday but neighbors felt police used excessive force when a Kabuterimon missile was launched into the front of the structure leaving a hole large enough for all 30 occupants to escape before the dust cleared. No arrests were made but Chief of Police Pat Troll-Carr told reporters, “That’s okay cause we’ll be smoking crack for days!” Graffiti artists were quickly on the scene to beautify the destruction with tagging.

MARABUNTA ANTS EAT WORLDS LARGEST PICNIC

"Pass the potato salad...NO! WAIT! AAARGH!"

The Ninth Annual Yogi Bear Memorial Picnic this weekend unveiled the worlds largest picnic basket. Cartoon legend and cub star, Boo-Boo was among the VIPs on hand and told reporters, “Yogi would be schmutzing his butt fur if he were alive today! That is one momma-bear of a pic-a-nic basket!” The event ended in mayhem when a swarm of deadly Marabunta ants arrived and devoured the contents of the basket and all the guests.

CREATIVE ARCHITECT HAS HEAD UP ASS

Wo-o-o-ow, so innovative...glad I don't live there

A new condo development in Clobbergrove Widths, Montuna has residents questioning the sanity of the designer Jean-Bubba Fauxlieu, the latest talent out of THEE architectural school in Nice, France. Fucked-Up Heights features luxury apartments with an artistic slant putting style above functionality for a truly unpleasant living experience. The property owner is renting the apartments at a discount rate to make up for the inconvenience of having floors at a 45 degree angle. Tenants who felt it would be prestigious are having second thoughts after signing the one year lease, and are demanding their money back. Yet they’re remaining in the units because they can’t get to their front doors.

CAT ON CRACK

"Dum de dum...Damn!"

Steve Jacobson, a four year old grey tabby, from Dander Springs, Mushagain, inflicted severe spinal injury on his eight year old mother when he unwittingly stepped on a crack in the sidewalk. Immediately realizing what he had done, Jacobson, Meowsmodel and Covercat for Purina called paravetics who rushed Mrs. Jacobson, mother of 47, to a nearby pet hospital. Mrs. Jacobson is in critical condition at Senior Cyanide Euthanasia Clinic where veterinary doctors say her chances of making a complete recovery and, with physical therapy, being back at home with her family leading a perfectly normal, happy, eight more lives very soon, are virtually nil.

SPORTSDUMP

In badminton the Minichuria Midgets humiliated the St. Daphnesburg Dafodyls, 47 to 3, while in the Eastern Conference finals the New Crotchland Artichokes trampled the Bitchmouth Headpushers with an 8-1 victory.

On the Pro Fucking field today the West Rubberford Rugburns skewered the Clamidia Clams 14 to 0, and the Hamsterford Gerbils bumped uglies with the Guruvian Gnu-Herders in a tie game after 473 innings and 474 outings.

In the Womens Open Chest Tournament, Titianna Bustanutovia bounced back for a 30 to 10 win over Stenchka Rottentunavich who suffered a nipple injury in the second set.

And in Men’s Sewage Wrestling, Dammett Pismioff opened up a can on Grünt Asplündt who lost decisively for Scandalnavia. In Nude Tennis at Shriveldon, Poki Kuchakuchi eked out a 8 to 7 victory over Teehee Myarmstickle. And finally Teinie Van Der Heinie of the Nether-Netherlands took on Schlong Schvantzschlepper in a badly mismatched three sets of pathetic whimpering.

Other Scores:
Meerkats…...12
Tortugas ……...10
Morlocks…….8
Eloi …………......0
Bedwetters…3
Wetspotters ….1
Cuddlers……10
Snugglers…...…4


LOCAL WEATHER

Uh, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

Forecast calls for low methane and carbon monoxide clouds in the early morning with 400 mph winds later in the afternoon and 14 inches of sulphuric acid rain over the weekend with temperatures up to 850 degrees F…Oops, sorry, that was the weather forecast for Venus.

Ah, here we go...

A dihydrogen monoxide storm near the coast is threatening to moisten wildlife and make road conditions hazardous for people who can’t drive. The CHP has issued a warning to the blind not to cross the street. Meteorologists are expecting as much as an inch and a half of dihydrogen monoxide (H20), to fall by the end of the week.

We’ll have tonight’s top stories for you next week after they’ve been censored and distorted by our corporate sponsers. From most of us at Eyewitless Newsflinch: go buy and have a safe deposit.

Undomesticated Partners

Letting my girlfriend move in with me was a mixed blessing...and a 100% straight up mistake. Girls are pigs! At least the kind I date. But that's totally by my choice, I can get hot chicks if I want to.

I moved in with a supermodel once. She was beautiful, rich, refined...I didn't like it though. Between her calling the police on me, pressing charges and the restraining order, I just had to tell her, “Sorry babe, you're just too high maintenance for me. Gonna have to cut you loose.” and that was it. After my sentencing, I never saw her again.

Looking back at that relationship, I see now, that I made mistakes too. I guess I should have told her I was moving in with her...or at least met her first...and not broken in to her house, waited behind the door in the dark until she came home...I wanted to surprise her with the flowers...but the vase gave her a concussion. Ah, that was a different time, a different felony.

So, my current girlfriend is a dumpy stupid trailer-trashy pig and I let her move in. (No, not Britney Spears). But it's a big change from single life. For one thing, having sex with a partner is a lot better than regular sex. But no more getting ready for work in the dark, that's for sure.

Let's see, I don't have to worry about getting a yeast infection in my teeth—They really shouldn't put Vagisil in the same sized tube as Crest.

I shouldn't have worn her thong panties instead of my tighty whiteys to work today but I didn't have time to dig through the hamper. Besides my cheeks needed flossing anyway.

The deodorant I put on almost killed me. It was strong enough for a man, sure, but the pH was totally wrong! Oh my god, lesbians kept coming up behind me going; “Oh, I love the way you don't smell.” Of course, when I turned around they left. It was the pH balance of my pits that fooled them, that and the whale tail.

Women use a lot more products than men. My shower is suddenly overrun with shampoos, conditioners... and why does she need “body wash” and “facial cleanser?”...I have one bottle of Suave. I use it for everything, mouthwash, carpet cleaner, bathroom disinfectant, windshield washer fluid... My Suave is cowering in the corner with the label half ripped off, saying, "I tried to stop them!"

And then there's the cosmetics and make-up everywhere. On the upside, I had an important meeting and I hadn't slept so I looked like hell. It's amazing what a little foundation and a touch of eyeliner will do. And Maxi Pads sure come in handy when you're out of toilet paper.

The only other woman I've ever lived with was my mother. My girlfriend is very different from mom. I was shocked when I came home and the sink was still full of dirty dishes! And the guy in the bed was not my dad! That reminded me of mom. There was a logical explanation for him being there though. She said his name was Steve and she was fooling around with him on the side...

I said, “that's cool... C'MON IN TRIXIE! MY GIRLFRIEND SAY'S IT'S OKAY!” So that was a relief. I was worried about that. I kind of forget to mention to my girlfriend that it was an open relationship. So did she apparently. So we ended up having kind of an orgy. It was really great. But after that one time, we've decided to take the relationship more seriously now and be monogamous.

Things are working out really well. We've both been faithful and I think I may be in love. Now I come home to clean dishes, dinner is ready when I walk in the door and it's always delicious, Yeah, Steve actually likes doing housework. There's still cosmetics and make-up everywhere though.

Steve's kind of like my girlfriend was in that respect. But in every other respect he's more like my mom was. Oh, except for once I came home and there was another guy in the bed...but it was my dad. So we ended up having an orgy...Just kidding! I'm not that perverted, Jeez! Of course we waited until Steve left.

by numbsain...God's gift to women...that they returned for store credit.