Yo Mama Jokes...But She Ain't Funny

Yo mama: "Officer, I just made a silent fart. What should I do?"
Police officer: Replace the batteries in your hearing aid, lady

Yo mama’s so fat she asks, “do these pants make my ass look like Jupiter?”


Yo mama’s so stupid when she got a flat tire she went to jack in the box.

Yo mama’s so sweaty if you’re sitting in the first three rows you WILL get wet.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had to live in apartment #1 on the first floor at “1 First Street” cause she couldn’t count any higher.

Yo mama so ugly she went to Victoria’s Secrets and asked for something that would really turn a man on. They showed her Tina, the cashier.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks “propaganda” is when you take a good long look.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she saw you sagging she thought your ass crack was creeping up your back.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got arrested for shoplifting cause she couldn’t remember the second half of “Pick n’ Pay.”
Yo mama’s so stupid she likes Mickey D’s better than McDonald’s.

Yo mama’s so stupid she asked, “What does 911 spell?”

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought “constipation” meant “a full time job”.

Yo mama’s so poor she got fired from her job in a sweat shop for stealing sweat.

Yo mama’s so fat the dog tries to protect her from her own ass.

Yo mama’s so ugly there’s a Photoshop filter called de-yo-mama-fy.

Yo mama’s so fat when she gave birth to you, you almost suffocated.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought a gynocologist was an Australian doctor who was still gyna college.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks Casino Morongo is a gigantic beast that fights Godzilla.

yo mama’s so fat if she got all up in your face your head would explode.

Yo mama’s so poor when she barfs she checks to see if anything’s still good.

Yo mama’s so fat she’s all that, and that, and that over there, and all that stuff over there too.

Yo mama’s so fat she means everything to yo daddy and to everybody else too.

Yo mama’s so fat she got it goin’ on, and on, and on…

Yo mama’s so fat when she wears black and raises both arms you think of Mickey Mouse.

Yo mama’s so fat when she sits in the car she spills out the window…on both sides.

Yo mama’s so fat they didn’t know you’d been born until she stood up and kicked you.

Yo mama’s so fat when they strip searched her at the airport it took 3 days.

Yo mama’s so fat she’s incontinent, sorry, I meant she’s “a continent”

Yo mama’s so fat if you put a cookie on her shoulder she’d break her own neck

Yo mama’s so ugly when she looked in the bathroom mirror she said, “Who put a fish tank in my bathroom?”

Yo mama’s so fat she rolls like that.

By numbsain...yo mama's worst nightmare.

Numbsain Lets Fly On YO MAMA...AGAIN!

Look at cute little Tinkerbell. How could you have sex with such a tiny little thing? I mean she fits in the palm of your hand...oh...OH THAT'S DISGUSTING!

You may be wondering why I make so many disparaging remarks about yo mama. Especially since I don't even know yo mama.  But here's the thing. Yo mama can’t say "no" to anybody. A salesman came to your apartment and sold yo mama homeowners insurance…and then she gave him a bj too! and as if that weren't enough, she’s outside changing his oil right now. I mean lets face it, she's a pushover. She wears a pushover bra. Yo daddy doesn't even try to hide the fact that he cheats on her, he just brings girls home, gets in bed with yo mama sleepin' in it and pushes her over. She can't say no. She switches long distance providers three times a week, and as of yesterday you guys have converted to Jehovahs Witnesses. You never even heard of Jehovah much less winessed him! So that's why I have no qualms about saying:

Yo mama’s so fat when she strolls on the boardwalk she gets splinters in her ass cheeks.

Yo mama’s so fat her breasts are in different time zones.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she gets her period she puts a band-aid on it.

Yo mama’s so stupid instead of changing your dirty diapers she just turned them inside out.

Yo mama’s so fat she doesn’t need a desk.

Yo mama’s so fat that, to feed her, you fill her cleavage with food and then stand on her nipples and sweep it in with a push broom.

Yo mama’s so fat that she got in the jacuzzi and the pumps all exploded

Yo mama’s so fat when she got up from the toilet she ripped it out of the floor…we found it in the kitchen.

Yo mama’s so stupid she needed a password of 8 characters so she put “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

Yo mama’s so stupid when you saw her kissing Santa Claus she paid you not to tell your daddy.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the recipe said check it with a meat thermometer she asked “where’s the asshole on a meatloaf?”

Yo mama’s so stupid she caught your daddy jacking off and accused him of cheatin’ on her with Tinkerbell.

Yo mama’s so stupid she called you to ask you for your phone number.

Yo mama’s so stupid she agreed to screw her boss everyday if he would stop sexually harrassing her.

Yo mama’s so stupid she bought a book called “how to read”…for dummies.

Yo mama’s so stupid she buys edible panties and eats them out of the box.

Yo mama’s so stupid she wouldn’t take an escalator because she thought it was a waste of stairs.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ran out of gas so she pushed the car to the gas station, parked it and walked home.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had a flat tire, and when the highway patrol stopped he found her down on her knees with her lips on the valve huffing and puffing…So he told her she had the wrong valve...And remember i told you she can't say no? Uh-huh, say no more.

Yo mama’s so fat your daddy thinks he’s havin’ a threesome.

Yo mama’s so stupid she put you on a leash when you were little…That’s not so bad? But when you said you had to go potty she stopped at a fire hydrant, turned around and looked the other way.

Yo mama’s so stupid she let you drink when you were 14 cause you showed her a fake ID.

Yo mama’s so stupid her idea of recycling was to make you do your paper route twice.

Yo mama’s so stupid the GOP is supporting her presidential campaign.

Yo mama’s so stupid she says, “excuse me.” when the dog farts.

Yo mama’s so stupid she has a drawer full of cash rebates that she’s saving up.


That's pretty stupid cause those things have a very limited time in which they can be redeemed. So essentially what I'm saying is: yo mama is not a smart women; not someone you would want to have pack your parachute. Speakin' of parachutes, she shouldn't have to wear one for a dress either. I'm just gonna say it, yo mama is ginormous. Just get her to cut back on the twinkies, like maybe, get her down to twelve boxes a day. That should be enough for the whole state of Iowa. So somebody the size of South Dakota should be okay with it too. But other than all that I think yo mama is perfectly fine.


by numbsain...a little constructive criticism never hurt anyone.

YO MAMA's are so PHAT

Yo mama’s so fat she has her mother’s chin and her grandmothers chin and her aunts chin and her great grandmothers chin and her great aunts chin…

Yo mama’s so fat they call her the Ener-sizer Bunny…she keeps growing, and growing, and GROWING…

Yo mama’s so fat when she sits on the bus she really sits ON the bus.

Yo mama’s so stupid she resents you because Mother’s Day is only once a year and son-day is every week.

Yo mama’s so fat when she breastfed you you almost drowned.

Yo mama’s so fat when she was old enough to date her mama said, “take the cow for free!”

Yo mama’s so fat there are parts of her ass that have yet to be discovered.

Yo mama’s so fat she fits a size 13 dress…on her finger.

Yo mama’s so fat she thought her nickname was Beese cuz people always see her and say “Oh beese…”

Yo mama’s so fat her ass has a cell phone so it can call her when it needs to go.

Yo mama’s so fat when she had surgery the doctors showed up in safari gear.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she was a child it took a village to raise her.

Yo mama’s so fat she eats with a forklift.

Yo mama’s so fat everything makes her ass look fat.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she took a plane they said: ”in the unlikely event of a water landing yo mama may be used as a floatation device.”

Yo mama’s so fat she survived in the wilderness because the bears felt stuffed just looking at her.

Yo mama’s so fat her snow cone had an avalanche.

Yo mama’s so fat she tried out for the part of Gilligan’s Island.

Yo mama’s so fat she parts her hair in the east.

Yo mama’s so fat she made Santa Claus look anorexic.

Yo mama’s so fat she tells yo daddy where she likes to be touched by longitude and latitude.

Yo mama’s so fat Santa said “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Merry Christma-ASS!

Yo mama’s so fat when she had hot flashes they called it “global warming.”

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Justin Bieber was a vaginal contraceptive.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she chased your daddy all through high school she really went through the high school.

Yo momma jokes...so stupid even yo momma wouldn't tell them

Now I know a lot of people been talkin' 'bout yo momma 'cause you look mad as a shaved grizzly bear. So next time some fool has the nerve endings to get all up in your nostrils about some scram that don't have nothin' to do with nobody's momma, but they see fit to bring your dear sweet beloved momma, of all people, into it anyway, which of course gives you a cart full o' blanched almonds to put a fresh creamery grade A, pasteurized, homogenized vitamin D hurtin' on their sorry tushy cakes, then you just whip out a handful o' these hush-little-puppies-don't-say-a-word and momma's gonna buy you a lot more than a mockinbird! In fact...

Yo momma’s so ugly Freddy Kruger had nightmares about her.


Yo momma’s so fat she went to a plus-sizes clothing store and they sent her to the times-sizes clothing store.


Yo momma’s so fat when they brought the dessert tray she said, “I’ll have that.”


Yo momma’s so stupid that on your first day of kindergarden she asked you to bring her back some fresh vegetables.


Yo mommas’s so stupid she stayed at a stop sign for three hours waiting for it to turn green.


Yo momma’s so ugly she ran into Jack the Ripper late one night and he drove her home…and then never called.

Yo Momma’s so old that when you watched the Flintstones she would go off about how when Wilma got preggers with pebbles she blew up like a pigasaurus and that was when Fred started coming around yo momma’s cave.

Yo momma’s so stupid she had a yard sale with all the food in her refrigerator that reached the sell-by date.

Yo momma’s so stupid we found her staring at a can of frozen orange juice. We asked her why and she said, “Shhh! Look it say’s right here: ‘made from concentrate,’ now don’t distract me.“

Yo momma’s so stupid she tried to make Jello by leaving Kool-Aid out in the sun to dry.

Yo momma’s so fat that she had been seeing somebody on the side throughout her entire marriage and your daddy never noticed him there.

Yo momma’s so fat she can do cartwheels with her arms folded

Yo momma’s so fat that when she takes a shower she walks forward till the light turns red, then when the light turns green she walks out slowly.

Yo momma’s so OCD that when she met your daddy she picked a daisy and said, “He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me…

Yo momma’s so OCD that when she has to pick something she says, “eeny, eeny, eeny, eeny, eeny…

Yo momma’s so stupid that when you called her from Los Angeles she told all her friends “My boy found Lost Angeles!”

Yo momma’s so clueless as to the ways of child rearing that when you were born she went to the store for some Purina Baby Chow.

Yo momma’s so stupid when you were born she swore there was another one in there because somebody knocked your teeth out.

Yo momma’s so unsophisticated, like a dumb animal, that you feed her Purina Momma Chow.

Yo momma’s so stupid when you were a kid she yelled at you for chewing with your mouth full.

Yo momma’s so stupid she used a pre-moist towelette to wipe off her spare ribs so the sauce didn’t get all over her fingers.

Yo momma’s so messed up in the head when she tried out for the Olympics they tested her for strength, endurance, and speed. She passed them all except for speed, they found some in her system.

Yo momma’s so stupid she heard a crazy man talking to himself on the bus and she thought she had ESP.

Yo momma’s so unclear on the concept that she went to an twelve step meeting cause she couldn’t eat just one potato chip


Yo momma’s so fat that she admitted she was seeing someone on the side but we pointed out that it was just her ass.

Yo momma’s so stupid we saw her staring at a bowl of soup going, “htsubnle sqnemrhuz bdipklanhg,” so we asked her what she was doing and she said it was alphabet soup and she was learning to read.


Yo momma’s so fat that the gynocologist looked at her and said, “Damn that’s a huge vagina! Damn that’s a huge vagina! Damn that’s a huge vagina!” She said, Why’d you have to say it three times?” he said, “I didn’t.”

Yo momma’s so stupid when the bartender asked if she wanted her drink 'over' she said no, she hadn’t even had any of it yet.


Yo momma takes everything so literally that when someone asked her, “What’s up?” she said, “The opposite of down, stupid!”


 Yo momma’s such a bad waitress when a customer asked her how the lamb was prepared she said they just told him  everything was gonna be all right and then whacked him.


Yo momma’s so fat that when she went swimming in the ocean a group of conservationists watched her and said she was so beautiful.



Yo momma’s such a bad waitress when a customer asked if the burgers were rare she said, “No we sell a lot of them.”



Yo momma’s so stupid that when she tried to do the hokey pokey she put her left foot in and shook her right foot all about, then she turned her left foot around and put her back out and finally we just had to tell her, “Momma! That ain’t what it’s all about!”



Yo momma’s so fat that you need a GPS to get on her good side.


Yo momma’s so fat that when your daddy said, “back that ass up!” she went, beep…beep…beep…


Yo momma’s so fat and mean that when she throws a pot luck you’ll be lucky if you don’t get thrown in the pot.


Yo Momma’s so sensitive about being the size of 3 hos that she thought the Jolly Green Giant was making fun of her.


Yo momma’s so fat that when you were born they found your daddy in there too.


Yo momma’s so fat she ordered baked alaska and complained it looked bigger on the map.


Yo momma’s such a skanky ho her pimp had a clearance sale: “This ho must go!”


Yo momma’s so mean she took you to the blood bank and said “take it all!”


Yo Momma’s so fat she had Kentucky’s fried chicken for dinner. And tomorrow night she’ll have Tennessee’s fried chicken.


Yo momma’s so fat we suggested the Dick Gregory diet but she said there wasn’t enough meat on him to satisfy her.


Yo momma’s so uncoordinated that when she did the hokey pokey she put her left foot in and fell over.


Yo momma’s such an unfit mother she gave you Jello in your baby bottle.


Yo momma’s so stupid she drinks her martini in a sippy cup.


Yo momma’s so stupid when you told her to make a U-turn she asked, “your U or my U?”


Yo momma’s so mean she dressed you up as a KKK and took you to Watts for trick or treat.


And if that fool is still comin at you, talkin' all kinda smack actin' like he's got some kinda verbal abuse to lay on you, and he still wants to cast aspersions on the woman that saw fit to bring you kickin' and screamin' like some kinda newborn fool, into this world, then you're just gonna have to pull out all the stops and escalate matters to the point where you say...

Yo Momma’s so viciously cruel, on halloween she dressed you up as a crack ho and made you turn tricks for treats.

And then all I can say is you better run like hell cause if anybody said that about my momma? To my face? In my town? Fer reals?... Uh-uh...Oh no...I'm sorry...That's it...Naw-naw...you shoulda never gone there...No, no, no...See we gonna settle this up right now, Come on monkey-humper! Bring it on Mr. talkin' mouth! Show me what you got ya big fat pucker-funker-sucker-humper! Ain't nobody gonna talk about my momma like that! @#%&!*@% (Ow!) #@$%! (Hey, leggo my shirt) #$!@#&*$%# (OW!) #$#& (I SAID OW!) $%#&@ (Why you...) #$%@%&!

By numbsain...don't even go there.