This Is Exactly Why I Don't Call My Mother

by numbsain

Ronnie?

Whattaya mean who is it? It’s ya motha. Did you fuhget ya had a motha?

Well ya nevuh cawll so I thought maybe ya fuhgot ya had a…

Well but ya nevuh cawll, and ya know, Gladys’s son, he cawlls his motha every day.

His motha is Gladys, who do ya think his motha is? if he’s her son than she’s his…

What early? It’s eight thirty. You have to be at school in a half…

Oh yeah, Satuhday. I fuhgot about Satuhday being a no…

Huh? I’m always up at this hour.

Well I nevuh sleep. No I haven’t slept since...

No nevuh, I have too much to worry about what with the...

I know, I know, but maybe if you cawlled occasionally then…

Oh, nothing.

No really it’s not impawtant.

No, no, I can see you don’t want to listen to my problems.

Oh it can wait, I’ll let you go…

Really it’s not too early?

I’m not bothering you?

‘Cause I don’t wanna be a burden to…

Oh, of cawse I am. I’m old. Nobody needs an old woman…

Oh sure. Then how come ya nevuh cawll?

I know what I am. Yestuhdays news.

No I’m not impawtant to any...

OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! THE CAT’S ON FIRE! OH MY GOD HE’S RUNNING! HARRY PUT HIM OUT! WHATTAYA MEAN HOW? GET SOME WAWTUH! THE VASE! THE VASE! THROW IT ON HIM! QUICK, HE’S BURNING UP! THROW THE WAWTUH!…OH,YOU MISSED! YOU IDIOT! OH GOD THE DRAPES! HE’S CAUGHT THE DRAPES ON FIRE! PUT OUT THE DRAPES! NOW THE CAT STUPID! PUT OUT THE CAT!…YOU MISSED AGAIN! WHAT IS WRAWNG WITH YOU? THE POOR THING IS SUFFERING! LOOK AT HIM RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES! GET MAW WAWTUH! HURRY! OH MY GAWD! It's over…

Nevuh mind, Harry, it’s too late. Poor thing…What a shame. A perfectly good cat, burnt to a crisp…No you've done enough...What did we pay fuh that cat?…Y’know yaw daughtuh loved that cat. Now look at him…And the slip cover I made—ruined. Why did he have to die on the couch. Oi vey…And the drapes. Guten himmel...With the Silverman’s coming tomorrow. Take ‘im outside or something. No 409 won’t get that out. No just take him out in the…No, he’s not meowing. That’s just gas in his lungs. No, I’m telling you, it’s just a reflex. He’s not meowing. That would be harrible…

OH GAWD HE’S MEOWING! DO SOMETHING, HARRY!…KILL HIM!…JUST STOMP ON HIS HEAD!…WELL THEN USE SOMETHING ELSE FUH GAWDS SAKE! PUT HIM OUT OF HIS… THE VASE! HIT ‘IM WITH THE VASE!…NO, ON THE HEAD YOU IDIOT! NO HARDUH STUPID! HARDUH!!! GIVE IT TO ME! LIKE THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS!!! THERE! He’s dead now…

Oi gevalt, rest in peace. Put him in a bag and bury ‘im in the back yahd. Oh gawd now I’ve got a splitting headache. You really can't just do one simple thing I ask you to do, can you Harry?
My whole day is ruined…oh!

Ronnie are you still there?

What? Oh, no…Heavens no.

No it was just the..the vacuum cleanuh.

Yeah, no he’s fine.

Sure, no he’s fine too.

It was just nothing. Everyones fine heah.

Listen yaw busy I’m gonna let you go.

Oh no it’s okay.

Don’t worry about it.

Really it’s fine.

I’ll let you go.

No it doesn’t mattuh.

I’ll tawk to you some othuh time.

Yeah.

Sure.

Okay.

I will.

you too.

take care.

I know.

Uh huh.

He will.

I’ll tell ‘im.

You too.

Okay.

Take care.

Dress warm.

I love you too.

Bye-bye.

Uh-huh.

I will.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Uh-huh

Bye.

[click]

by Numbsain