The Jurors:
Cass D. Furstone—Professor of Fine Arts at Fall Sale University
Collin Aulkarrz—Curator at Wolfe Museum of Contemptible Art
Ted Ayefore—Art Critic at Where For Art Thou Weekly
Cass: Oh boy…Looks like we got some real palette lickers this year
Ted: No don’t blame it on cadmium poisoning it’s too much support from social networks and friends who haven’t got the balls to say, “No, sorry leonardo Jr, ya just ain’t got it kid. Here’s a good one…This person’s parents were way too supportive: just ‘cause your mother stuck it on the refrigerator when you were 5 doesn’t mean it’s art! Oh look: Pollack is back but this time he’s mentally disturbed and has a drinking problem, good lord! Aw look, somebody told her she was an artist…and she believed them. Oh here we go: now paint-by-numbers is one thing but when it’s in braille I have to draw the line. Ooh, minimalism taken to a whole new level—would you call this non-existentialism? This artist must be in his clear period…
Collin: Look, Ted if you’re gonna make us listen to this routine again I quit. Really why are you an art critic if all you ever do is sit around criticizing art…
Cass: All right stop bickering you two. First of all you can’t quit, it’s jury duty.
Collin: Can Ted be relieved of jury duty due to a conflict of interest?
Cass: What conflict of Interest?
Collin: He hates art.
Ted: I don’t hate art…Just this stuff. All right look, all we have to do is pick a 2nd and 3rd place winner and a peoples choice award.
Collin: Aren’t the people supposed to pick the peoples choice award?
Ted: Yeah, I’m a person, aren’t you a person? Cass, you’re a person right? We’re people, now make a choice.
Cass: And what about the first place winner?
Ted: Oh we don’t have to worry about that one, we’ve already got it covered.
Collin: What? Whattaya mean we’ve got it covered?
Ted: We already have a first place winner.
Cass: We do? Who?
Ted: Chrissy. Chrissy Townsend.
Collin: I never even saw her submission.
Ted: I did, trust me, she’s blows the other contestants out of the water.
Cass: Well she would drown if she blew them in the water. You wouldn’t happen to be seeing her would you, Ted?
Ted: No. Of course not…yet. She’s gotta win first.
Cass: Oh no! No way, Ted!
Collin: You can’t do that, Ted.
Ted: C’mon you guys, do you know how much it would cost me to get a chick that looks like her to go out with me? I’m having a midlife crisis, I need this!
Cass: That’s what you said about the Porsche, the hair implants, and the condo, if your midlife crisis goes on much longer you’ll have to live to 156.
And she’s at least as good as these other losers. Who’s it gonna hurt if we pick Chrissy?
Collin: The best artist.
Ted: Nobody knows who that is. None of these people expect to win. They know it’s a craps shoot. And it would do so much for my morale. I mean, have you seen the rack on this babe?
Cass: Oh my God! You are disgusting, Ted! Objectifying women like that. I’m deeply offended.
Ted: Hey it’s been a long time since anybody objectified you so don’t take it personally
Collin: She’s got a nice rack eh?
Ted: Terrific rack, and a tush you could bounce a check off of.
Collin: Got any pictures?
Ted: Yeah, right here in my briefcase. Check this out!
Collin: WOAH! Holy first place winner! She is incredibly talented. But what do I get out of it if we pick her?
Ted: Whattaya mean? You’ll get the pleasure of seeing me happy for the first time in my life?
Collin: I wanna be happy too.
Ted: Well you can have the second place winner.
Cass: You guys are sick! Could we please get to work?
Ted: Yeah okay.
Cass: Those are just the artists bios, Collin, the submissions are in this stack.
Collin: Cass, I don’t date women based on their art. How shallow do you think I am?
Cass: What?
Collin: Oh my God! I’ve found the second place winner! Mitzy DuBoise.
Ted: Yeah? Let’s see…Oh yeah! She’s hot. What does her submission look like?
Collin: Huh? Oh, I dunno. I’m sure it’s fine.
Cass: Oh, here it is…
Collin: What’s that?
Cass: Her submission.
Collin: It’s a Barbie coloring book.
Cass: But look she almost stayed inside the lines on this one.
Ted: But she used a green crayon for Barbies face, hair and ski outfit. It looks like she spilled some spaghetti sauce on it too.
Collin: No, thats the tomato colored crayon. She’s using it as an underpainting wash. This is a technique the Austrians are using these days. It’s very advanced.
Cass: It looks like scribbling to me.
Collin: Scribblism is relatively new here in the states but the Europeans have been doing it for years. I think her work is unparalleled in contemporary art.
Ted: That’s true but it’s right on par with the kindergarten to first grade set.
Collin: Well I’m sold on Mitzy as our second place winner. All we need now is to fill the number three slot and we can chuck the rest of this garbage and go home early. Cass why don’t you pick third place?
Cass: Well I was going through these bios…Doesn’t this guy look like a young Brad Pitt but Taller?
Ted: How’s his work?
Cass: I dunno I didn’t look. It couldn’t be any worse than Distzy and Crispy. But check out those pecs!
[Winners Awards Ceremony]
Announcer: Hello and welcome to the 9th Annual Wolfe Art-In-Your-Face Competition.
Third place goes to: Dennis Halderman from Green Bay Wisconsin Congratulations Dennis. What was the inspiration for this body of work; what do these minimalist human figures symbolize to you?
Dennis: Oh well, uh, I was nevuh too good at drawin’ people so I just did stick figures but see dey’re football playuhs. See dose are da helmets and dat brown ting is da ball.
Announcer: I see. fascinating. So what are you going to do with your award money?
Dennis: Prolly get a couple kegs and some blow and party wit some chicks at my place.
Announcer: Ah well, sounds like a plan Stan.
Dennis: Uh, it’s Dennis, but my friends call me Bull on account o’…
Announcer: Moving right along: Our second place winner is Miss Mitzy DuBoise. Miss DuBoise tell us a little bit about your current body of work
Mitzy: Oh thanks, (are we on TV?) No? Oh. Well I’m in great shape ‘cause I go to the gym a lot. I’m a 38DD but I think my ass is my best fea—
Announcer: I meant your body of artwork.
Mitzy: Oh hee-hee! It’s Barbie’s! She’s got a great body. I love Barbie, and I got this coloring book for Christmas and I like to look at the pictures and color ‘em. Tee-hee! I didn’t never expect to win no contest. Where’s Collin anyways? He was supposed to be here.
Announcer: I…don’t know…Anyway. Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Our Grand Prize winner is…Chrissy Townsend of Tulsa Oklahoma! Congratulations Miss Townsend. How does it feel?
Chrissy: Wanna feel it? Guh head, I don’ mind, hee hee!
Announcer: Uh, tell us about your work.
Chrissy: Oh well I’m an escort and I do movies too but…
Announcer: Ah, I meant your artwork.
Chrissy: What art work? Oh that, I didn’t do it. I just had my little sister do it for me ‘cause Teddy said I’d get some money for it but I have to sleep with ‘im too which is cool cause I don’t get paid this much usually.
Announcer: I don’t understand. Arent you the Grand Prize winner?
Chrissy: I better be! I ain’t sleepin’ with that creep for nothin’…
Ted: Ah, Excuse me, if I may speak on behalf of Miss Townsend. Miss Townsend’s submission is a conceptual performance piece in which she portrays a midwestern call girl as a social commentary on the difficulty women face in America being objectified by a misogynistic male dominated society which undermines their womens’ civil rights. She plans to remain in character until we as a culture bring about a significant change in our attitudes about women.
Announcer: Remarkable. Well it’s been a pleasure to be your host and thanks for joining us for the 9th Annual Anne Wolfe Art-In-your-Face Competition.
by numbsain...he slept his way to the bottom.
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