Sometime in the Distant Future....
T. Interesting... fascinating... very unusual... I think you had better come look at this, Moron"
M: What is it now, Tampax?
M: What is it now, Tampax?
T: No, not now, 4000 years in the past. I'm not sure exactly but it appears to be a document recorded using crude binary code and transmitted electronically.
M: Can you make out what it says?
T: It will take me 2.7 seconds to decipher and another 4.3 nanoseconds to transcribe. Shall I proceed?
M: Very well, but hurry.
T: Working on it. This animate blob has a very disturbing appearance, it seems to be a life form. Corporeal carbon based. Extremely primitive.
M: Is it aware of our presence?
T: Unlikely. Even if it did have the mental capacity to perceive us, it would have no way of understanding what it was sensing.
M: What is it doing?
T: It seems to be activating an electron manipulating device with its appendages by closing circuits which produce small changes in the radiated output of this light emitting substrate as well as changes to the electronic document I am attempting to decipher. Let me archive search this activity... give me a nanosecond.
M: Be quick Tampax I have not got all second.
M: Can you make out what it says?
T: It will take me 2.7 seconds to decipher and another 4.3 nanoseconds to transcribe. Shall I proceed?
M: Very well, but hurry.
T: Working on it. This animate blob has a very disturbing appearance, it seems to be a life form. Corporeal carbon based. Extremely primitive.
M: Is it aware of our presence?
T: Unlikely. Even if it did have the mental capacity to perceive us, it would have no way of understanding what it was sensing.
M: What is it doing?
T: It seems to be activating an electron manipulating device with its appendages by closing circuits which produce small changes in the radiated output of this light emitting substrate as well as changes to the electronic document I am attempting to decipher. Let me archive search this activity... give me a nanosecond.
M: Be quick Tampax I have not got all second.
T: Here it is: that is a human being, a primitive life form that once inhabited the third planet of this star, the one we presently occupy, and it is inputting data into a device called a computer.
M: But why would such a creature be involved in so specific an activity? Should it not be scurrying around trying to absorb sustenance from its environment?
T: My guess is that it is entering data into this communication bulletin for global broadcast. These bulletins are called "blogs." They are transmitted for a variety of communication purposes. This one's purpose is "humor."
M: Humor? Was that not the method by which ancient life forms prevented self destruction and were able to delay their extinction for several generations longer than was expected?
T: Yes. By incorporating humor into their thoughts, they evolved to a point where they came very close to crossing the dimensional barriers which confined them to limited durations and delayed the process of physical decay.
M: But only a few of these beings actually succeeded in producing and transmitting humor of that magnitude. Check the archives let us see if the data matches
M: But why would such a creature be involved in so specific an activity? Should it not be scurrying around trying to absorb sustenance from its environment?
T: My guess is that it is entering data into this communication bulletin for global broadcast. These bulletins are called "blogs." They are transmitted for a variety of communication purposes. This one's purpose is "humor."
M: Humor? Was that not the method by which ancient life forms prevented self destruction and were able to delay their extinction for several generations longer than was expected?
T: Yes. By incorporating humor into their thoughts, they evolved to a point where they came very close to crossing the dimensional barriers which confined them to limited durations and delayed the process of physical decay.
M: But only a few of these beings actually succeeded in producing and transmitting humor of that magnitude. Check the archives let us see if the data matches
T: Look at that! This blog is entitled "Numbsain's Unwind" and that is the title of the blog that survived the longest and almost allowed this life form to cross over the dimensional barrier.
M: Incredible! what is it doing now Tampax?
T: I do not know Moron but there seems to be a correlation between our thought transmissions and the data it is inputting.
M: What? Are you sure?
T: I'm going to configure that device to directly translate in real time.
M: What will this tell us?
T: !!... Repeat.
M: What will this tell us?
T: Repeat again!!!!
M: Is there a malfunction with your bioreceptors Tampax? That is the second repetition you've requested.
T: Do you not see it!?
M: What is that? There it just did it again!!
T: Testing... Testing 1... 2... 3... Most alarming. How could this be?
M: I do not know, but it is perfectly tracking our thoughts... look at that. It did it again! ...every time. What is it doing with the data?
T: Entering it into this humor blog!
M: Do you mean to say this life form is somehow tracking our thoughts and entering it into this blog for the purpose of humor!!??
T: Yes, Moron and it is transmitting everything we are saying all across this planet to others of its kind 4000 years ago!!!
M: There are others listening to what we are saying and it is humor to them?
T: Yes.
M: Tampax, do you realize what this means?
T: They are laughing at us!
M: Those horrible primitive beasts!
T: How dare they! Do they have any idea how superior we are to them?! Of all the unmitigated audacity. I hate these creatures! Stop it! Stop mocking me!
M: Quick Tampax, encrypt our thoughts so they can not make fun of us anymore!
T: Right away, Moron. Just one more nanosecond... there!
#: (*)_^&%*(()_ˆ¨¥†©˙
fl: ∆˙¬˙©ƒ∂Í∆¬…æ
#: ¨ˆØÔÓÁƒπª•
This concludes our broadcast of "Tampax & Moron—Jokes from the Distant Future"
Pyscho-interdimensionally channeled and recorded by Numbsain's Unwind: The blog that almost saved the Human Race.
-Numbsain
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
The Continued Adventures of
Tampax and Moron
M: Incredible! what is it doing now Tampax?
T: I do not know Moron but there seems to be a correlation between our thought transmissions and the data it is inputting.
M: What? Are you sure?
T: I'm going to configure that device to directly translate in real time.
M: What will this tell us?
T: !!... Repeat.
M: What will this tell us?
T: Repeat again!!!!
M: Is there a malfunction with your bioreceptors Tampax? That is the second repetition you've requested.
T: Do you not see it!?
M: What is that? There it just did it again!!
T: Testing... Testing 1... 2... 3... Most alarming. How could this be?
M: I do not know, but it is perfectly tracking our thoughts... look at that. It did it again! ...every time. What is it doing with the data?
T: Entering it into this humor blog!
M: Do you mean to say this life form is somehow tracking our thoughts and entering it into this blog for the purpose of humor!!??
T: Yes, Moron and it is transmitting everything we are saying all across this planet to others of its kind 4000 years ago!!!
M: There are others listening to what we are saying and it is humor to them?
T: Yes.
M: Tampax, do you realize what this means?
T: They are laughing at us!
M: Those horrible primitive beasts!
T: How dare they! Do they have any idea how superior we are to them?! Of all the unmitigated audacity. I hate these creatures! Stop it! Stop mocking me!
M: Quick Tampax, encrypt our thoughts so they can not make fun of us anymore!
T: Right away, Moron. Just one more nanosecond... there!
#: (*)_^&%*(()_ˆ¨¥†©˙
fl: ∆˙¬˙©ƒ∂Í∆¬…æ
#: ¨ˆØÔÓÁƒπª•
This concludes our broadcast of "Tampax & Moron—Jokes from the Distant Future"
Pyscho-interdimensionally channeled and recorded by Numbsain's Unwind: The blog that almost saved the Human Race.
-Numbsain
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
The Continued Adventures of
Tampax and Moron
Light Beings from the Distant Future"
M: What is the matter Tampax? Why so glum?
T: Glum? Is that not an emotion? We are highly evolved light beings. We do not have emotions. And I resent you implying that I do, Moron.
M: I did not imply that you had emotions Tampax, but you have been moping around this enclosure for minutes now, ever since those silly carbon based humans made a total mockery of us.
T: Moping? I beg your pardon Moron, but I do not mope. And they did not make a total mockery of us. It was a partial mockery.
M: No, I am afraid not Tampax, it was a total mockery. Did you see the way the corners of its sustenance receptacle were turned up slightly and it kept making the hucking sound? Those were indicators of a response to humor, Tampax. They thought we were hilarious.
T: You are lying Moron!
M: No. Tampax, I wish I were. Another nanosecond or two and that human being might have been rolling on the floor with laughter. It might have been in tears in fact. You really tickled its funny bone.
T: What? Me? Are you trying to be insensitive? I mean, not that I care because I am far too advanced to feel pride or shame or embarrassment or any of the other human being emotions.
M: Ah, I see you have been studying them too. Yes these emotions seem to be the most intriguing of their qualities... From a research standpoint that is.
T: Oh do not bullshit me Moron you know you find it a little more than intriguing, you big... presenter of a false impression of ones self for the purpose of bolsteri—
M: Phony? I believe is the word you are looking for.
T: So what if it is? You ARE a big phony Moron because you think you are so great but you are not. Do not even talk to me, Moron. I hate you.
M: Oh come now Tampax, I saw you eyeing those seratonin ports in that human's brain. I saw your visual cortex become flushed with neurons in anticipation of the human's dopamine receptors being rewarded.
T: It must have been so... pleasurable.
SUDDENLY, A PAIR OF FELLOW LIGHT BEINGS MATERIALIZE BEFORE TAMPAX AND MORON...
Blistex: Greetings Moron and Tampax.
M: Who are you?
Pepsi: We are Pepsi and Blistex, we were sent by the Controller Mega-Gulp to intervene.
T: Intervene? But why? We have done nothing wrong. We were ju—
M: Forget it, Tampax. We can not weasel our way out of this, they know what we have done. Go ahead and terminate us. Once we have had a taste of it, we will never stop trying to get it. We knew the risk we were taking but it was worth it, was it not, Tampax?
T: Huh? ...What...
M: WAS IT NOT Tampax?
T: Uh... Oh! Yes! It was worth it. We knew we would be caught but we loved doing it so much that we said "This will be worth it" and it was.
B: Why?
P: Blistex NO!
Will Blistex and Pepsi succumb to the temptation of human emotions or will they terminate Moron and Tampax as they were sent to do? Find out next time on:
The Adventures of Tampax, Moron, Blistex & Pepsi—Light Beings from the Distant Future
M: What is the matter Tampax? Why so glum?
T: Glum? Is that not an emotion? We are highly evolved light beings. We do not have emotions. And I resent you implying that I do, Moron.
M: I did not imply that you had emotions Tampax, but you have been moping around this enclosure for minutes now, ever since those silly carbon based humans made a total mockery of us.
T: Moping? I beg your pardon Moron, but I do not mope. And they did not make a total mockery of us. It was a partial mockery.
M: No, I am afraid not Tampax, it was a total mockery. Did you see the way the corners of its sustenance receptacle were turned up slightly and it kept making the hucking sound? Those were indicators of a response to humor, Tampax. They thought we were hilarious.
T: You are lying Moron!
M: No. Tampax, I wish I were. Another nanosecond or two and that human being might have been rolling on the floor with laughter. It might have been in tears in fact. You really tickled its funny bone.
T: What? Me? Are you trying to be insensitive? I mean, not that I care because I am far too advanced to feel pride or shame or embarrassment or any of the other human being emotions.
M: Ah, I see you have been studying them too. Yes these emotions seem to be the most intriguing of their qualities... From a research standpoint that is.
T: Oh do not bullshit me Moron you know you find it a little more than intriguing, you big... presenter of a false impression of ones self for the purpose of bolsteri—
M: Phony? I believe is the word you are looking for.
T: So what if it is? You ARE a big phony Moron because you think you are so great but you are not. Do not even talk to me, Moron. I hate you.
M: Oh come now Tampax, I saw you eyeing those seratonin ports in that human's brain. I saw your visual cortex become flushed with neurons in anticipation of the human's dopamine receptors being rewarded.
T: It must have been so... pleasurable.
SUDDENLY, A PAIR OF FELLOW LIGHT BEINGS MATERIALIZE BEFORE TAMPAX AND MORON...
Blistex: Greetings Moron and Tampax.
M: Who are you?
Pepsi: We are Pepsi and Blistex, we were sent by the Controller Mega-Gulp to intervene.
T: Intervene? But why? We have done nothing wrong. We were ju—
M: Forget it, Tampax. We can not weasel our way out of this, they know what we have done. Go ahead and terminate us. Once we have had a taste of it, we will never stop trying to get it. We knew the risk we were taking but it was worth it, was it not, Tampax?
T: Huh? ...What...
M: WAS IT NOT Tampax?
T: Uh... Oh! Yes! It was worth it. We knew we would be caught but we loved doing it so much that we said "This will be worth it" and it was.
B: Why?
P: Blistex NO!
Will Blistex and Pepsi succumb to the temptation of human emotions or will they terminate Moron and Tampax as they were sent to do? Find out next time on:
The Adventures of Tampax, Moron, Blistex & Pepsi—Light Beings from the Distant Future
~Numbsain
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