BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS

Einstein demonstrating
his theory of slurpativity.

Everyone knows Albert Einstein, theoretical physicist, guy with funny hair. But few are aware of his early years with the circus. Yes one of the greatest geniuses of our time once took a summer job under the big top as Neutrino the Clown amusing and entertaining audiences with his theory of smellativity. His career in comedy came to an abrupt end when he accidentally vaporized an audience with a tiny nuclear device he wore on his lapel and flung into the air just before diving into a lead lined barrel to safety.

Shut your stupid disgusting

twinkie-hole you hideously
ugly lard ass behemoth.

We're all aware of the exploits of K*rl R*ve, former senior advisor and cheif of staff to ex-president Ge*rge B*sh and consummate asshole, but not many people know that as a teen K*rl worked as a chicken sexer for Zacky Farms. It was a short lived career as K*rl quit when he learned that the job had nothing to do with having sex with chickens. Throughout his life Mr. *urp* (excuse me) ka-BAAAAARRFF! that guy has attempted to have sex with all the farm animals all of whom expressed a violent dislike for him and refused even when offered large sums of money. K*rl prefers chickens over all other unwilling partners because only the chicken's vagina is small enough to accommodate his... *gag* y'know that thing.

Miss Spears after being told she
could not sit by the window and
would have to take the aisle seat.

What celebrity exposé would be complete without mention of America's favorite sex pig Britney Spears, teen idol, exhibitionist and professional tabloid fodder. But few people know or care about Britney's very first attempt at being a useful and productive member of the work force. That's because she never was a useful and productive member of anything. In fact no company, organization, or person could stand her and so she was advised by her school counselor to become a pop singer certain she would fail and end up overdosing on something. Go figure.

Timberlake thinking himself
dapper in that ridiculous outfit.

One of the fastest rising young stars in the music business, and it's inevitable offshoot, the film industry, is Justin Timberlake, recording artist, actor (in the very broad sense of the word) and liberator of Janet Jackson's breasts at the Super-bowl. Not surprisingly his early vocational experience had little to do with music or acting. Macaroni was Timberlake's field of expertise and not just manufacturing or eating the stuff, no, this ambitious young upstart was Head Macaroni Sorter at one of the finest Italian cuisine plants in the US, Chef Boy-ar-dee. Timberlake was responsible for making sure the freshly extruded semolina/dishwater mixture stayed separated from the rat turds and was responsible for stringent quality control of Spaghetti-Os and other products worn on the faces and scalps of two-year-old gourmands across the country.

by numbsain, who wrote a blog before he was famous

Three Little Pigs

Pig 1: Well boys we did it hahahahah, Ahahahah HAHAHA!

Pig 2: Quit laughing stupid. What did we do?

Pig 1: We got all the money! Hahahah! They have none. We got it all!

Pig 3: We don’t have it all. They have a little…

Pig 1: Hahahahahah! You call that money? Hahahaha!

Pig 2: So now what do we do?

Pig 1: Huh?

Pig 3: We sit back on our laurels and live the good life.

Pig 2: What’s so good about it?

Pig 1: What so good about it? Are you nuts? We can have anything we want!  Right at our fingertips! Hahahahah!

Pig 2: I already had everything I wanted, and I can’t have anything now, it all has to go through security and it takes so long I don’t even want it by then.

Pig 1: Hahahahah! You’re such an idiot! Hahahahah!

Pig 2: Well there is one thing I want. For you to shut up and stop laughing.

Pig 3: Yeah that would be nice, and stop smiling so damn much too. I can’t stand the sight of your stupid teeth.

Pig 1: Hahah! My teeth are perfect and they’re extra big cause I could afford the biggest teeth in the world! Hahahaha!

Pig 2: They look really stupid.

Pig 1: Fuck you! You’re just jealous cause I have perfect teeth Hahaha!

Pig 3: You guys are really boring. Did you know that you’re some of the most boring people I’ve ever met. I want to go outside and kick some poor people.

Pig 1: No way. Hahaha What if somebody recognizes you? It’s too risky. We can’t ever show our faces in public again. But we’re rich, so who cares.

Pig 2: I can’t believe I have to stay in this place forever with you guys. I hate having all the money:

Pig 1: Give yours to me then hahahah!

Pig 2: Ha ha very funny. I’m not that stupid.

Pig 1: You said you hated it so…I’ll take it. C’mon give me all your money hahaha!

Pig 2: Screw you.

Pig 1: Well how bout some of it. Just give me some of your money, please? I’m asking nicely. C’mon I really need more money. I’ll give you this paper weight. C’mon…

Pig 3: HE SAID NO! Now stop asking him for money, don’t you have enough.

Pig 1: No I want more, I need more.

[BZZZT]

Pig 1: WHAT? We’re busy what the hell do you want.

Intercom: Sir, your dinner has arrived.

Pig 1: Oh okay, send it in. And it better be good this time!

Intercom: Um, that’ll be $12,487.65.

Pig 2: What!? Are you crazy, we can’t afford that!

Pig 1: Yeah that’s ridiculous! We’re not paying. Send it in right away and it better be damn good for that price…HEY! SEND IT IN NOW!

Intercom: Sir, he won’t deliver it without the money.

Pig 1: Oh okay, kill him. And it better be good.

intercom: Sorry, he just left.

Pig 1: What? I want food now! Go get it! All right we’ll pay the goddamn $200.
Hey you got the money right?

Pig 2: No.

Pig 3: Don’t look at me.

Intercom: Um, not $200 sir, $12,487.65.

Pig 1: You just said $200! You heard him didn’t you?

Pig 3: Yup $200.

Pig 1: We all heard $200.

Intercom: No, I said $12,487.65.

Pig 1: Okay it’s $4,162.55 each. If we don’t pay, we don’t eat.

Pig 2: Oh jeezus! Fuck, there goes all my money. Don’t we get a special break cause we’re rich?

Pig 3: All I have is $5,000 bills. Look I can’t afford this.

Pig 1: Look none of us can afford it but it’s either that or starve to death.

Pig 2: Hey can we get a discount or something?

Intercom: Uh no sir.

Pig 1: Can we owe it to you we’re a little cash poor at the moment, but I’m getting a check tomorrow can I pay you back then.

Intercom: Uh no sir.

Pig 3: DAMN! Your killing me you know that? I can’t keep shelling out cash every day like this. I’m cutting off funding to that stupid children’s hospital. That thing is ridiculous. Just don’t feed the preemees for one meal they’re not gonna miss it! I really need this money.

Pig 2: What for?

Pig 3: Well I just really wanted to have a certain amount of money and that’s how much I had and now i don’t, I’m gonna come up short and it’s really not good for my blood pressure. Why can’t that asshole just give us the food?

Pig 1: Cause they’re all greedy pigs. That’s what poor people do they take, take, take, it’s disgusting but that’s what they do. They don’t give a shit about anybody. Let’s just give ‘em the goddamn money and we’ll raise taxes so we’ll get it all back.

Pig 3: Well we could have done that anyway and then we’d have more but if i give them this money now then when we raise the taxes we’ll just have the same amount as we had before. What good is that?

Pig 2: Look just give him the money. It’ll come back to us. Karma y’know? Just let it go. I know, it’s killing me too but there’s nothing we can do.

Intercom: He’s waiting sir.

Pig 1: ALL RIGHT ALREADY HERE’S THE DAMN MONEY! I HOPE YOUR HAPPY! Bastard. I put it in the tube you should be getting it any second now. So could we please have our food already?

Pig 2: I think that piece of shit is trying to get rich off of us.

Intercom: Um, Sir, I need another $215.65

Pig 1: What? That’s all we have! I’m not made of money here! Don’t be so damn greedy just take the rest out of your pocket!

Intercom: Um, no.

Pig 1: OKAY FINE! THERE! YOU HAPPY? You’ve left us penniless! This crap better be good!

Intercom: 65 more cents sir.

Pig 2: Can’t he skip one paycheck? Poor people are so selfish.

Pig 1: Here! I’ll pay him the 62 cents…

Intercom: 65 cents sir and you really should give the man a tip…

Pigs 1, 2 and 3: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HOHOHOHO-HAHAhahaha!

Pig 1: Yeah right! That’s a good one! No No No! Sorry. Fool me once shame on…me? how does it go? Whatever just get lost will ya? Tip! Can you imagine the nerve of that guy?

Pig 2: Where’s the goddamn food?

[Knock knock]

Pig 1: Who is it?

Guard: Food.

Pig 1: All right, coming…Gimme that food! Did you touch it? Open the tray! Eat that right there. How is it? Feel funny? No? Get the hell out of here. Wait! Gimme $20 for that bite.

Guard: Fuck off asshole.

Pig 1: You’re....

Guard: I quit.

Pig 1: …Fired! grrrr!

Guard: Shithead.

Pig 1: Kill that man on the way out.

Intercom: Yes-sir…sure!

Pig 2: GIMME! ME FIRST!

Pig 3: NO MINE! WHERE’S MINE!

Pig 1: HERE! Thats yours, and that’s yours, and this one is mine.

Pig 3: What’s the difference?

Pig 1: Nothing. Exactly the same.

Pig 2: Weigh them!

Pig 3: Forget it I’m eating…Ugh! What is this? Caviar again?

Pig 1: And pate de fois gras with white Alba truffles, and Kobe Wagyu rib eye steak.

Pig 2: His looks bigger.

Pig 1: [unzip…flop]

Pig 2: [unzip…flop]

Pig 3: [unzip…flop]

Pig 3: Ew! God why do we have to do this every time somebody uses the word “bigger”

Pig 2: Do what?

Pig 3: Whip out our dicks and flop them on the table.

Pig 1: To see whose is bigger. Let’s measure ‘em, hahahaha!

Pig 2: I don’t wanna.

Pig 3: Me neither. I hate looking at you guyses dicks every day. I wish I didn’t know what your dicks look like. I’m not into other men’s dicks…

Pig 1: You’re Jealous cause you know mine’s bigger! HAHAHAHAH!

Pig 2: Who cares?

Pig 1: Chicks do, hahaha, they want guys with big dicks and all the money. Just like us! HAHAHAH!

Pig 3: Well then where are they all?

Pig 1: Want me to get them?

Pig 2: No, not again. They always look so…terrified.

Pig 3: Or just disgusted.

Pig 1: Huh? Oh, well I’ll get some new ones.

Pig  3: No, that’s okay they all end up looking that way. They don’t really like us.

Pig 1: Bullshit. They have to like us, Hahahaha!

Pig 2: But they don’t. Even when we were paying them I could tell they hated our guts.

Pig 1: Well that’s cause you eat like a pig! HAHAHAHAHA!

Pig 3: Let’s do something else.

Pig 1: Like what?

Pig 3: I don’t know but standing here with our dicks out isn’t any fun. Let’s do something fun. We have all the money we could ever want. There must be something fun we can do.

Pig 2: Wanna go flying in our jets?

Pig 3: No. Last time my pilot ejected. Then I had to eject too and it was uncomfortable.

Pig 1: Why do they always do that?

Pig 2: Cause they hate us.

Pig 1: Oh yeah. They’re just jealous! Hahahaha!

Pig 3: Well we still end up having to eject. And it’s too much work having to pack my parachute every time.

Pig 1: That’s true. Why can’t we trust anybody to pack ‘em for us?

Pig 2: Cause they hate us.

Pig 1: Oh well…that’s not fair. What did we ever do to them?

Pig 3: Yeah we’re the only ones keeping this country great.

Pig 1: That’s right without us it would be a country full of poor people.

To be continued...