Reverend Thal Mazlo's 13 Extra Commandments

Welcome Friends! Reverend Thal Mazlo here spreading the word of God to you sinners, WHY? Because GOD spoke to me, PRAISE JESUS! And He said unto me, "Thalminiah Beavermount Mazlo, I want you to deliver a message for me." And I said unto the Lord, "But your effervescence, I'm just a lowly bitch farmer from Poopchute Arkansas. Why me?" And the Lord's eyes filled with fury and He sayeth unto me, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO AS I SAY OR YOU'LL BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY! And from that moment on my mission was clear and my ears have been ringing.

Now you all know the Ten Commandments that Moses brought unto us, PRAISE THE LORD! HALLELUJAH! But you may not know of the Thirteen Extra Commandments that I'm going to bestow unto you exclusively, here, today. PRAISETHELORDDAMMIT! So without further ado, here they are:

11. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife's breasts.

12. Thou shalt not stareth at thy neighbor's wife through the bedroom window.

13. Thou shalt not watch thy neighbor's wife sunbathing in the backyard.

14. Thou shalt not sprayeth thy neighbor's wife with the garden hose.

15. Thou shalt not offer to dryeth thy neighbor's wife's clothes while she waiteth on thy lanai wearing nothing but a very small towel.

16. Thou shalt not asketh thy neighbor's wife to hold something with both hands so her towel falleth off.

17. Thou shalt not gropeth thy neighbor's wife's buttocks when she bendeth over.

18. Thou shalt not grindeth thy loins unto thy neighbor's wife's buttocks.

19.Thou shalt not pusheth thy neighbor's wife's head down unto thy loins.

20.Thou shalt not shoveth thy manhood unto thy neighbor's wife's mouth.

21.Thou shalt not anoint thy neighbor's wife's face with thy seed, and then photograph her all anointed.

22.Thou shalt not useth thy photos to blackmail thy neighbor's wife to cometh unto thee later that evening.

23. Thou shalt not greeteth thy neighbor's wife in a pair of silk bikini underwear when she cometh that evening.

24. Thou shalt not bendeth thy neighbors wife over thy discipline rack (which thou shalt not own), and tieth her nakedness up, anointeth her backside with holy jelly and then proceedeth to sodomize the dickens out of her while she squealeth and trembleth and beggeth thou to stop. But thou shalt not stop because this Jezebel deserveth to be punished for her slutty, sinful behavior and for tempting the good reverend— ...uh, I mean 'thou' with her firm young loins and perky nipples poking through her tiny tank-top driving thou crazy with desire and lust and sinful thoughts of fornication and spanking and whipping and penetrating every orifice on that evil temptress with a body the likes of which the good Reverend Thal Maz— ...I mean 'thou' hast never seen in all thy days as a minister of the church of God!...(uh, if thou wust such)

Now Available on DVD, only $14.95 plus tax
Reverend Thal Mazlo's "Thy Neighbors Wife"
(The Jezebel getteth what she deserveth)

By Numbsain...He's praying there is no Hell.

Ask Reverend Numbsain

Just an example of the dangers of religion in the wrong hands. Don't let this happen to your son.

Religion can be very confusing sometimes, especially when it's organized and force fed. But Reverend Numbsain understands what it's like to be paralyzed with fear that an invisible man is going to punish you after you're dead. Well no, he doesn't really. But he does answer questions from sheep that have gone astray. Such as this man pictured below singing Karaoke. His face has been stuck that way ever since that day in church when the priest took him in the apse.

Dear Rev. Numbsain,

I know Jesus loves me because I can feel it in my heart. But what is Jesus trying to tell me when I get heartburn?

—Burning Love

Dear Loveburn,

It feels like Jesus is in your heart but really, the Lord can’t enter your bloodstream unless you use a needle and actually slam Jesus. Most people smoke Jesus, or ingest Jesus, like I do. I sprinkle Him on yogurt or cereal. Sometimes He gives me holy gas and when the spirit of Jesus passes through me in church it’s a great relief to sit and bask in the pew. Perhaps you don’t chew the Lord well enough. Try a little bicarbonate of soda in a glass of warm holy water.

Dear Rabbi Numbsain,

I’m a Jew. We Jews have a ritual we practice called Kapparot. On the eve of Yom Kippur, a dead chicken we shake around ourselves and off of us all our sins jump and onto this chicken they stick. Then, to the poor people, we feed the chicken . Well this year after Kapparot we noticed the chicken wasn’t quite dead. Do you think it will be all right?

—Menachem

Dear Mechanic

Are you Insane? live chickens absorb WAY too much sin, like 10,000 times the amount of sin as the dead ones. Poor people are used to eating the sins of rich people like you, but when they eat that chicken they’ll get a much higher dose of sin than usual. You just sent an innocent poor family to hell, not to mention the poor chicken. Give me your address so i can come over and beat a dog on your front lawn. That’s the only way to fix it.

Dear Numbsain,

My grandparents on my mothers side are Catholic and Jewish. My fathers side is Buddhist and Protestant. Does that make me a Jewlic Buddistant?

—Mr. Mutt

Dear Mr. Mudd,

No it makes you a Jewstant Buddhilic and therein lies the problem. Those four religions have conflicting laws and if you adhere to one you’ll be in violation of another. So no matter what you do you’re going to hell. But I’ll tell ya what, I got a little clout with the Gods and I may be able to get your sentence cut if I work the no-guilt-by-birth angle. If the omnipotent beings go for it you may only do a dime in purgy. I gotta charge you a filing fee and a retainer though and if it goes to trial we’re talkin’ a couple grand at least. Or you could be the Devils bitch for all of eternity. Let me know what ya wanna do.

Dear Rev. Numbsain,

I is a God feeding Chrischin. I have obaid the Gossipel all my lyfe. I downt jrink any likwids, I downt cuver my naybors wyfe, I don’t maik kraving imijes. So why duz my naybors wyfe run arownd naykid in my house saing she’s cold, and all the food I leeve out for God just rahts—He aint even tutched it. I always be dehijrayted—What is I dewing rong? I wint to chutch evry day for my untire lyfe!

—Seeking Salivation

Dear spit search,

Maybe you should have spent some of that time you wasted in church and gone to school instead. Then you would have learned to read and write properly, and you’d know the difference between “God feeding” and “God fearing.” And instead of not “covering” thy neighbors wife you’d be not “coveting” the poor slut who shouldn’t be running around your house naked in the first place! Send her to my place so I can give her a good swift talking to on the rear. And learn some English before you end up sitting on your puke at crunch one Scumday morning whoreshipping Cheeses Crust.

Dear Father Numbsain,

I was raised Mormon and as everyone knows Mormonism is the best religion in the whole world. So why do people always make sarcastic jokes about us?

—LDS tips

Dear LSD trips,

I can’t imagine why anyone would make a mockery of Moronism, the very bestest religion in the whole entire world! Just ignore them and keep eating your Purina Mormon Chow.

Dear Rev. Numbsain,

I want to be an antidisestablishmentarianist because I think it will make me look intelligent being such a big word. I was just wondering though, can you tell me what that word means?

—Big Word Guy

Dear Big Wierd Guy,

it means you’re opposed to the separation of church and state which makes you look smart to idiots but you’ll look like an idiot to smart people. Ifyou really want to gain the respect of your peers just tell them you’re an auto-sodomizing copraphagiac with a Ticonderoga No. 2 reproductive apparatus and then prove it to them by deploying and detonating a Kabuterimon in your lower gastrointestinal tract?

Dear Rev. Numbsain,

I recently married a wealthy man who asked me to convert to Stepfordism for him. I have accepted the unusual practice of women never wearing clothing other than a muzzle and choke chain. I don’t mind that I must obey his every command, I don’t even mind that I have to lick his feet clean every day but recently he told me I must get down on all fours and bark like a dog in front of all his friends in order to be in adherence to the rules. So I did it for him and you know what he did? He tied me up in the backyard all night while they played cards. Do you think I’m being taken advantage of?

—Going Too Far?

Dear Going to Fart?,

The things your husband expects of you are all perfectly reasonable things for someone to expect …of a DOG! Your husband is a sick, twisted mysogynistic, morally bankrupt, pervert who has no respect for you whatsoever. You, on the other hand, sound like a wild cat! Where have you been all my life, babe? Anymore like you back home? Man you’re really into the kinky stuff, eh? We should definitely hook up after you dump that disrespectful, male-chauvanist pig husband of yours. How dare he treat you that way! He should be ashamed of himself making you do those things, and in front of his friends no less! Despicable!…But you just go along with it eh? Kinda turns you on a little huh? C’mon you know you dig it, don’t you? But to expect that of you and force you to humiliate yourself like that, What a bastard! Dump him immediately! And then give me a call. We could have a lot of fun, you and me, haha! Yeah!

Note: Reverend Numbsain's advice column is not affiliated with any denomination, religion, or faith and is not intended to treat, heal, cure, or do a damn thing except poke fun at all things religious, in all religions equally. If you have a real religious problem we recommend you see God immediately.