Fortune 500 Cookies

I found a new Chinese restaurant that has the good kind of fortune cookies. Only  problem is they're very stingy with them. I figured if I come in with a party of five i should get five fortune cookies at the end of the meal. So I came in and said the other four were on their way and we'd all like to start with dessert. They asked me what dessert we wanted and I said, "the free fortune cookies." I figured I'd just wait a little while and then say, "I guess they couldn't find parking so I'll go out and bring them their fortune cookies so they can get started. Suddenly two girls came out of the back and started pawing all over me. I said, "I'll give you exactly one hour to stop doing that!"

But they stopped after about thirty seconds so I left with my cookies. Then I realized they picked my pockets and took a hundred dollars. So I wet back the next day and held the place up at gun point. I told 'em, "put all the fortune cookies in this bag and nobody gets hurt!" So I got the cookies. But the next day they came to my house and ate all my fish and house plants, murdered my TV and had sex with my cat.  I didn't know what was gonna happen next so I opened a cookie and read the fortune. It said,

"Okay first slash all their tires then call the police and tell them about the opium business they have back there..."

I did and it turns out it was a 5-year-old kid that wrote me that note, and he writes the cookies too. So I asked him to be my apprentice and teach me everything he knows about comedy writing.

by Numbsain.. above and beyond to bring you the best!

Misfortune Cookies...a fresh batch.

I was eating at my favorite Chinese restaurant all last week so I could get some more fortune cookies for my blog. Monday I had Sum Fat Kow and a dish called Mai Shu that was kind of leathery. Tuesday I ate Thousand-Year-Old Egg Foo Young. Wednesday I was broke so the waiter recommended No Foo Fo Yu and Yu Go Dum Guy which I didn't care for. I ended up having General Ko's Chicken (He left and didn't finish it). Thursday I hit the dumpster in the back for some One-Thousand-Year-and-Three-Days-Old Egg foo Young which must have gone bad because it made me sick—funny how, after a thousand years, three days makes a difference—But it was still tasty. Friday I got my paycheck so i ate inside again and had Three Taste Seafood which was disappointing cause I had three tastes and they took it away! So I ordered the Egg Drop Soup but I had to scoop it up off the floor. The Twice Cooked Pork was a little undercooked so I had them make me Thrice Cooked Pork and by the time it got to me it tasted a little like the One-Thousand-Year-Old Egg-Foo-Young. But I got the fortunes...unfortunately...

  
I got the feeling they didn't like me at that Chinese restaurant so I asked them where I could buy a bag of the cookies. They said you can't buy these cookies 'cause they make them special just for me. Guess I was wrong.

By Numbsain...He was born the year of the star-bellied sneetch.