TOP TEN LAST THINGS PEOPLE HEAR

"Say Henri, what force of nature should we taunt mercilessly today?"
"What say we go beg gravity to kill us?" "Okay sounds great!"

10. Suicide Hotline, can you hold please? [Please stay on the ledge for the next available operator…Ah, ah, ah, ah, stay-in’ a-live…Stay-in a-live…] Hi! Thank you for holding. My name is Jenny, can I get your full name and what method of suicide have you chosen today?

9. C’mon Jimmy, forget about that silly old insulin, you don't need that stuff...

8. I’m sure. Yes, positive. I swear I packed it right. I’ve done it a thousand times. Just go ahead. See you on the ground. Wait Bob! STOP! DID YOU REMEMBER TO STRAP THE DAMN THING TO YOUR BACK?

7. Okay just stay calm, and don’t show it any fear or it’ll rip your guts out faster than you can blink.

6. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED MCMURPHY! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND WE PROMISE WE WON’T SHOOT!…There he is! FIRE!

5. Mine field? What are you talking about there are no mine fields around he– (click).

4. Okay now listen carefully, Jameson, you can do this. I’m gonna talk you down and after this is all over you can tell everyone you landed a 757!

3. Don’t worry the worst that can happen is you get really sick. Takeshi, two more rounds of the blowfish!

2. Cut the red one, no green! No no no sorry it is the red wire…Wait did I say red? I meant green, yes cut the green wire, or was it…

1. Oh yeah, baby! You LOVE my big fat butt don’t you? Yeah you do, huh? Look at you all tied up like that! (Tee hee!) You want me sit right on your face, don’tcha. Yeah, I know. Well, here I go, all 300 pounds of me!!!


By Numbsain...Last he heard was he was going to be just fine...yeah right.