Dr Jiblitz & Dr. Gravy... E.R. E.R. Oh!

Jiblitz: Welcome to the fo shokes. Today weez gonna show you hadda reckonize what’s wrong witcha...

Gravy: Don’t ya mean diagnostic?

J: Huh? No Gravy, weez showin ‘em hadda NOT die, don’t matter if they’re agnostic. So let’s see who needs a check-up?

Gr: Shut the heck up!

J: Here drink this water.

G: Water you giving me water fer?

J: Fer yer heck-ups.

G: I ain’t got the heck-ups. I told you to shut the heck up about a check-up cause we ain't doin' no check-ups! This is the E.R.! Don’tch know what E.R. stands fer?

J: Nope.

G: An’ you call yerself a doctor?

J: Why would I call one? I am one. Besides I ain’t sickin’.

G: That’s a matter of opinion.

J: Did I ask for a sickin’ opinion?

G: I was tryin’ to tell ya what E.R. stands fer.

 J: Ooh! lemme guess…um, um...

G: BAAAAAMP! Time’s up, but thanks fer playin’ “YOU LOSE!” I better test yer knowledge doctor. What wouldja do iffin a patient came in with acute angina?

J: Hyuk-hyuk, I’d have professional preserves and wouldn't even look. I’d send her to the anginacologist.

G: What if they had a compound fracture stickin’ out?

J: I’d stay calm, pound the fracture back in.

G: And what wouldja do if a burst appendix come in?

J: Same as I did when we had that flurry o’ pencil dicks.

G: What if a patient came in here and started chokin’?

J: I’d remove his hands from my throat.

G: What if they need a transfusion?

J: Who kin dance to trance fusion?

G: And if they had eurythmia?

J: Sense o’ eurythmia helps.

G: Or concussion?

J: If ya play concussion ya gotta have a sense o’ eurythmia.

G: How do you treat a black widda’ spider bite?

J: Same as anybody, no facial discrimination here!

G: How would ya handle it if some cityslicker came in with syphilis?

J: My sister?! Well if he's BLIND there ain't much I can do.

G: What iffin the patient's in a vegetative state?

J: Dice 'im up and sautee him in butter.

G: Cardiac Arrest?

J: Thanks Grav’ I could use a rest.

G: You got malpractice written all over ya. 

J: I practice on females too. Speakin’ o’ witch, (thengyoo nurse jes’ wheel that gurney right awn in here. Here ya go, that’s fer you) Time to play doctor, doctor we got a live one!

G: She ain’t look alive to me.

J: Lemme try sump’m. Ahem, LOOK ALIVE!…she ain’t responded to my treatment Grav’ and look at her lips, they’re bluish in color. She don’t have no pulsations neither. I’d say this patient is Day-ed!

G: DAY-ED?! Blad-Casket Jiblitz! We gotta administer C3PO!

J: Shouldn’t we try to resusperate ‘er before we brang in the robot minister?

G: That’s what I’m sayin’! give her 50 CDs o’ effin' asprin IV and dee-fib-u-late!

J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]

G: ONE! Missississis-sippi-cup, TWO! Miss-assassin-issy-sissy-prissy-missy,
THREE! Miss-a-zipper-whippy-flippy-hippy…

J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]

G: ONE! Mister-whipple-sister-sicky-picky …uh…where wuz I?

J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]

G: ONE! Missy-pissy-sissy-wissy…

J: Grav’…

G: …issy-sississ-issis…siss...

J: Grav’…GRAVY! It ain’t no use she’s passed, gone, flatlined, dee-ceased, finito, worm food, late, a corpse, one fer the obits, casket filler, she’s joined the choir unseeable, a cadaver…

G: No ya cain’t have ‘er you necco-wafer-feel-a-yak! She goes to the coroner!

J: It wun’t her fault she’s day-ed, why she gotta stand in the corner?

G: The coroner’s orifice you quack-in-the-crack. Let’s jes’ move on to the next victim, er patient.

J: Ain’t got no more patience.

G: I’m a-hurryin’! You got a sprain to cast?

J: No, Gravy, we done been off the air fer ten minutes.

G: We’re breathin’ straight nitrous? No wonder I feel funny.

J: You smell funny too. Whenza last time ya washed yer scrubs?

G: Whenza last time you scrubbed yer hygienes, ya musky hillbilly?

J: My jeans are high? At least I ain’t sportin’ butt crack, ya un-wed, pre-med, gin-fed in-bred intern.

G: Who you callin’ intern? Ya volunteer proctologist…

J. Zat the best you kin do?

G: Guess that’s our chauffeur today. See yizz next time when we demon-straight our on-turpentine-urial skills, puttin’ the “jack” back in “jackoff-all-trades” and show ya how ta cat-burgularize yer neighborhood!

J: Whoo-whee! Kin we nab that tabby over at the Calhoon’s? He’s so cuddly-wuddly wit ‘is fluffy-wuffy wittle whiskers, an’ his…

G: Jiblitz wuz you born stoopit or didja git dropped when yer sister gave birth to ya?

J: Cain’t remember!

J & G: TAKE TOO MANY AN’ CALL US IN THE MORNIN’!

Jiblits & Gravy wuz brang to ya by:

Minty-Fresh ButtSavers®…The suppository you can fart through!

Anvil®...the heavy pain reliever!

Condomints®...the perfect after dinner HINT!

by numbsain…inbred without guilt.

Jiblitz & Gravy
Plumbers Union Loco 23

Jiblitz: Howdy Flushpuppies, I’m Jiblitz!

Gravy: And I’m Gravy! Weez here ta ejumacate y’all about the tiles and tubulations of plumbin’ country style.

Jiblitz: An’ we ain’t afeared ta take the plunge with a plunger and git knee-deep in shits creek!

Gravy: Now Jiblitz, mah brothers and me been plumbin’ fer pert’ near a coons age. We got on-the-john trainin’. How’d you git in the plumbin’ bidness, wud you do?

Jiblitz: Mario Brothers.

Gravy: I thought you married yo cousin’?

Jiblitz: Ain’t no law aginst it.

Gravy: Ain’t no law aginst marryin’ a nannygoat neither, but ya don’t do that do ya?

Jiblitz: Na- a- a- a- ah, but mah daddy did.

Gravy: Oh you kid. Now lets just answer a few questions from our viewers.
Whaddaya do about a stuck faurcet?

Jiblitz: Just force it.

Gravy: How bout a leaky seal?

Jiblitz: Club it.

Gravy: An’ iffin yer tub needs caulkin’?

Jiblitz: Call Macauley.

Gravy: Ever had a ruptured boiler?

Jiblitz: Heck no, I had it lanced before it ruptured

Gravy: Rusty fixtures?

Jiblitz: No, the doc fixed mine. Rusty wun’t around.

Gravy: John overflow?

Jiblitz: Naw, he still can’t git over that gal.

Gravy: Sewer back-up?

Jiblitz: I hope not, Sue’s HIS back-up.

Gravy: Now how d’ya de-stenchify a stinky porta-potty?

Jiblitz: Ya need porta-pot-pouree.

Gravy: Alright. How’d ya learn all that, Jiblitz?

Jiblitz: From readin’ this here Plumbers Magazine.

Gravy: Jiblitz, that says ‘Plumpers’ not ‘Plumbers.’

Jiblitz: No wonder it ain’t got nuthin but big fat nekkid heifers in it. Looky here!

Gravy: Great humpin’ ja-blowzafat! Them’s some tiggity ol’ biggitys! Turn the page! Turn the page!...HOLY BAJEEMINY!!! They’d never find ya! Gaw-leee, the good lord sure knows how ta dish up some sin don’t he?

Jiblitz: Must be margarine ‘cause butter don’t spread like that!

Gravy: Whew! Okay, nuff o’ that. Lets go inside an’ have a looksee at the lavatory.

Jiblitz: Yes master Gravenstien, to the lavatory.

Gravy: Now don’t get too eager, Igor.

Jiblitz: No Master Gravenstien.

Gravy: Gad Blastard, Jiblitz! I got a leak!

Jiblitz: Ah told ya to go before the show.

Gravy: Hand me that pipe dope!

Jiblitz: Whudjoo call me?

Gravy: Not you, ya cow poke, the pipe dope! I gotta cracked pipe under the sink

Jiblitz: Ah told ya; just say no, Gravy.

Gravy: Not a crack pipe, a cracked pipe! now pipe down ya crack pot.

Jiblitz: Uh, Gravy, we got a bigger problem.

Gravy: Clog in the sewer?

Jiblitz: Naw, but I think I dropped one o’ mah tennies down there.

Gravy: Broken water main?

Jiblitz: I ain’t even preggars, man.

Gravy: Am ah showin’ plumbers crack?

Jiblitz: Ya were, but I used my caulk gun on it.

Gravy: Well then what’s the problem?

Jiblitz: Weez outta time Gravy.

Gravy: Well flush my britches and snake mah brain! Remember folks: Just say no to Drain-NO!

Jiblitz & Gravy wuz brang to ya by...

Barney’s Back-hoes...If yer hoe aint dirty, yer back 30 ain’t purty!
Ezekials Gourmet Pig Slop Bistro...Pigs oink for it!
Cleavon’s Bull-kakki Jizzateria...Nuttin’ but the best!
Melvis’ Geld n’ Go...Free set o’ Prairie Oysters with every Castration!

by numbsain