Numbsain’s Eyewitless Newsflinch

CRACK HOUSE GETS A NEW A-HOLE

Wow that stuff really is addictive

Another crack house was raided in East Slappaho, yesterday but neighbors felt police used excessive force when a Kabuterimon missile was launched into the front of the structure leaving a hole large enough for all 30 occupants to escape before the dust cleared. No arrests were made but Chief of Police Pat Troll-Carr told reporters, “That’s okay cause we’ll be smoking crack for days!” Graffiti artists were quickly on the scene to beautify the destruction with tagging.

MARABUNTA ANTS EAT WORLDS LARGEST PICNIC

"Pass the potato salad...NO! WAIT! AAARGH!"

The Ninth Annual Yogi Bear Memorial Picnic this weekend unveiled the worlds largest picnic basket. Cartoon legend and cub star, Boo-Boo was among the VIPs on hand and told reporters, “Yogi would be schmutzing his butt fur if he were alive today! That is one momma-bear of a pic-a-nic basket!” The event ended in mayhem when a swarm of deadly Marabunta ants arrived and devoured the contents of the basket and all the guests.

CREATIVE ARCHITECT HAS HEAD UP ASS

Wo-o-o-ow, so innovative...glad I don't live there

A new condo development in Clobbergrove Widths, Montuna has residents questioning the sanity of the designer Jean-Bubba Fauxlieu, the latest talent out of THEE architectural school in Nice, France. Fucked-Up Heights features luxury apartments with an artistic slant putting style above functionality for a truly unpleasant living experience. The property owner is renting the apartments at a discount rate to make up for the inconvenience of having floors at a 45 degree angle. Tenants who felt it would be prestigious are having second thoughts after signing the one year lease, and are demanding their money back. Yet they’re remaining in the units because they can’t get to their front doors.

CAT ON CRACK

"Dum de dum...Damn!"

Steve Jacobson, a four year old grey tabby, from Dander Springs, Mushagain, inflicted severe spinal injury on his eight year old mother when he unwittingly stepped on a crack in the sidewalk. Immediately realizing what he had done, Jacobson, Meowsmodel and Covercat for Purina called paravetics who rushed Mrs. Jacobson, mother of 47, to a nearby pet hospital. Mrs. Jacobson is in critical condition at Senior Cyanide Euthanasia Clinic where veterinary doctors say her chances of making a complete recovery and, with physical therapy, being back at home with her family leading a perfectly normal, happy, eight more lives very soon, are virtually nil.

SPORTSDUMP

In badminton the Minichuria Midgets humiliated the St. Daphnesburg Dafodyls, 47 to 3, while in the Eastern Conference finals the New Crotchland Artichokes trampled the Bitchmouth Headpushers with an 8-1 victory.

On the Pro Fucking field today the West Rubberford Rugburns skewered the Clamidia Clams 14 to 0, and the Hamsterford Gerbils bumped uglies with the Guruvian Gnu-Herders in a tie game after 473 innings and 474 outings.

In the Womens Open Chest Tournament, Titianna Bustanutovia bounced back for a 30 to 10 win over Stenchka Rottentunavich who suffered a nipple injury in the second set.

And in Men’s Sewage Wrestling, Dammett Pismioff opened up a can on Grünt Asplündt who lost decisively for Scandalnavia. In Nude Tennis at Shriveldon, Poki Kuchakuchi eked out a 8 to 7 victory over Teehee Myarmstickle. And finally Teinie Van Der Heinie of the Nether-Netherlands took on Schlong Schvantzschlepper in a badly mismatched three sets of pathetic whimpering.

Other Scores:
Meerkats…...12
Tortugas ……...10
Morlocks…….8
Eloi …………......0
Bedwetters…3
Wetspotters ….1
Cuddlers……10
Snugglers…...…4


LOCAL WEATHER

Uh, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

Forecast calls for low methane and carbon monoxide clouds in the early morning with 400 mph winds later in the afternoon and 14 inches of sulphuric acid rain over the weekend with temperatures up to 850 degrees F…Oops, sorry, that was the weather forecast for Venus.

Ah, here we go...

A dihydrogen monoxide storm near the coast is threatening to moisten wildlife and make road conditions hazardous for people who can’t drive. The CHP has issued a warning to the blind not to cross the street. Meteorologists are expecting as much as an inch and a half of dihydrogen monoxide (H20), to fall by the end of the week.

We’ll have tonight’s top stories for you next week after they’ve been censored and distorted by our corporate sponsers. From most of us at Eyewitless Newsflinch: go buy and have a safe deposit.