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| Just an example of the dangers of religion in the wrong hands. Don't let this happen to your son. |
Religion can be very confusing sometimes, especially when it's organized and force fed. But Reverend Numbsain understands what it's like to be paralyzed with fear that an invisible man is going to punish you after you're dead. Well no, he doesn't really. But he does answer questions from sheep that have gone astray. Such as this man pictured below singing Karaoke. His face has been stuck that way ever since that day in church when the priest took him in the apse.
Dear Rev. Numbsain,
I know Jesus loves me because I can feel it in my heart. But what is Jesus trying to tell me when I get heartburn?
—Burning Love
Dear Loveburn,
It feels like Jesus is in your heart but really, the Lord can’t enter your bloodstream unless you use a needle and actually slam Jesus. Most people smoke Jesus, or ingest Jesus, like I do. I sprinkle Him on yogurt or cereal. Sometimes He gives me holy gas and when the spirit of Jesus passes through me in church it’s a great relief to sit and bask in the pew. Perhaps you don’t chew the Lord well enough. Try a little bicarbonate of soda in a glass of warm holy water.
Dear Rabbi Numbsain,
I’m a Jew. We Jews have a ritual we practice called Kapparot. On the eve of Yom Kippur, a dead chicken we shake around ourselves and off of us all our sins jump and onto this chicken they stick. Then, to the poor people, we feed the chicken . Well this year after Kapparot we noticed the chicken wasn’t quite dead. Do you think it will be all right?
—Menachem
Dear Mechanic
Are you Insane? live chickens absorb WAY too much sin, like 10,000 times the amount of sin as the dead ones. Poor people are used to eating the sins of rich people like you, but when they eat that chicken they’ll get a much higher dose of sin than usual. You just sent an innocent poor family to hell, not to mention the poor chicken. Give me your address so i can come over and beat a dog on your front lawn. That’s the only way to fix it.
Dear Numbsain,
My grandparents on my mothers side are Catholic and Jewish. My fathers side is Buddhist and Protestant. Does that make me a Jewlic Buddistant?
—Mr. Mutt
Dear Mr. Mudd,
No it makes you a Jewstant Buddhilic and therein lies the problem. Those four religions have conflicting laws and if you adhere to one you’ll be in violation of another. So no matter what you do you’re going to hell. But I’ll tell ya what, I got a little clout with the Gods and I may be able to get your sentence cut if I work the no-guilt-by-birth angle. If the omnipotent beings go for it you may only do a dime in purgy. I gotta charge you a filing fee and a retainer though and if it goes to trial we’re talkin’ a couple grand at least. Or you could be the Devils bitch for all of eternity. Let me know what ya wanna do.
Dear Rev. Numbsain,
I is a God feeding Chrischin. I have obaid the Gossipel all my lyfe. I downt jrink any likwids, I downt cuver my naybors wyfe, I don’t maik kraving imijes. So why duz my naybors wyfe run arownd naykid in my house saing she’s cold, and all the food I leeve out for God just rahts—He aint even tutched it. I always be dehijrayted—What is I dewing rong? I wint to chutch evry day for my untire lyfe!
—Seeking Salivation
Dear spit search,
Maybe you should have spent some of that time you wasted in church and gone to school instead. Then you would have learned to read and write properly, and you’d know the difference between “God feeding” and “God fearing.” And instead of not “covering” thy neighbors wife you’d be not “coveting” the poor slut who shouldn’t be running around your house naked in the first place! Send her to my place so I can give her a good swift talking to on the rear. And learn some English before you end up sitting on your puke at crunch one Scumday morning whoreshipping Cheeses Crust.
Dear Father Numbsain,
I was raised Mormon and as everyone knows Mormonism is the best religion in the whole world. So why do people always make sarcastic jokes about us?
—LDS tips
Dear LSD trips,
I can’t imagine why anyone would make a mockery of Moronism, the very bestest religion in the whole entire world! Just ignore them and keep eating your Purina Mormon Chow.
Dear Rev. Numbsain,
I want to be an antidisestablishmentarianist because I think it will make me look intelligent being such a big word. I was just wondering though, can you tell me what that word means?
—Big Word Guy
Dear Big Wierd Guy,
it means you’re opposed to the separation of church and state which makes you look smart to idiots but you’ll look like an idiot to smart people. Ifyou really want to gain the respect of your peers just tell them you’re an auto-sodomizing copraphagiac with a Ticonderoga No. 2 reproductive apparatus and then prove it to them by deploying and detonating a Kabuterimon in your lower gastrointestinal tract?
Dear Rev. Numbsain,
I recently married a wealthy man who asked me to convert to Stepfordism for him. I have accepted the unusual practice of women never wearing clothing other than a muzzle and choke chain. I don’t mind that I must obey his every command, I don’t even mind that I have to lick his feet clean every day but recently he told me I must get down on all fours and bark like a dog in front of all his friends in order to be in adherence to the rules. So I did it for him and you know what he did? He tied me up in the backyard all night while they played cards. Do you think I’m being taken advantage of?
—Going Too Far?
Dear Going to Fart?,
The things your husband expects of you are all perfectly reasonable things for someone to expect …of a DOG! Your husband is a sick, twisted mysogynistic, morally bankrupt, pervert who has no respect for you whatsoever. You, on the other hand, sound like a wild cat! Where have you been all my life, babe? Anymore like you back home? Man you’re really into the kinky stuff, eh? We should definitely hook up after you dump that disrespectful, male-chauvanist pig husband of yours. How dare he treat you that way! He should be ashamed of himself making you do those things, and in front of his friends no less! Despicable!…But you just go along with it eh? Kinda turns you on a little huh? C’mon you know you dig it, don’t you? But to expect that of you and force you to humiliate yourself like that, What a bastard! Dump him immediately! And then give me a call. We could have a lot of fun, you and me, haha! Yeah!
Note: Reverend Numbsain's advice column is not affiliated with any denomination, religion, or faith and is not intended to treat, heal, cure, or do a damn thing except poke fun at all things religious, in all religions equally. If you have a real religious problem we recommend you see God immediately.
