Warning: This post contains graphic language not suitable for humans under the age of 200 (and certainly not under the age of 18) so go play warcraft or something.
10. Wintertime Slip n’ Slide—When it’s well below freezing outside what could be more fun than getting soaking wet, belly flopping onto a plastic tarp and sliding across the front lawn? Anything! Great way to lose unwanted fingers.
9. Real Reindeer Antlers—These would make a great toy, coat rack or just a keepsake. If they weren't still attached to a reindeer's head. One with a particularly horrified look on its face at that. Unmounted and unstuffed, in fact it’s still warm and bloody. Give it one of the names of Santa’s Reindeer: Basher, Masher, Crasher and Victim, Crammit, Dammit, Dahmer, and Stick-‘em.
8. Johnny Tweaker: My First Meth Lab Play Set—Everything you need to make one of the most addictive drugs on the street, pure crystal Meth! And it’s as much fun to make as it is to take! Includes all those caustic, toxic, corrosive chemicals you need to make a bag of gak street valued at $5,000! You'll be one popular 9-year-old with every skeleton-faced cougar in your trailer park beating down your door for your crank, take it either way, you'll eventually blow up.
7. Bed Bugz!—No, not a game by Milton Bradley, an actual bucket of live bugs, HUGE ONES! Like the giant weta pictured above! 2 inch long Hissing Madagascar Cockroaches! and the Bird Eater Tarantula whose legspan is as wide as a Christmas Turkey! Imagine your surprise when you unwrap this treasure trove and watch it scatter to all corners of the house. Forget the roach motels, set rat traps, or just runaway from home.
6. Attorney in a Box—You guessed it, an actual lawyer wrapped up in a shipping crate and ready to defend you in court after you murder your parents for getting you a sleazy, slimy, sweaty, greasy, ambulance chaser for Christmas! Choice of Jewish or Mexican. If the cheap aftershave doesn't get to you, the constant stream of fast-talking blather about how much they'll rake in if they can sue so and so will.
5. A Buy-One-Get-One-an-1/8th-Off coupon to Chuck E. Cheese!—Like anyone would ever take a date to Chuck E. Cheese. Besides, you’re eleven! You’re old enough to know that pizza sucks, and that 4-year-olds pee in the colored balls regularly.
4. Fighting Frogs!—Hey now this sounds fun right? It’s not. If they do fight with each other it’s a twenty minute standoff and then zap! One of them is dead and now you’ve got a deadly poisonous frog loose in your house! Why don’t they just buy you and your little brother a pair of Glocks and let you have at it?
3. The 6 CD collection of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Alvin and the Chipmunks arrangements of Christmas songs With Special Guest vocalists Donny and Marie Osmond!—If that was my Christmas gift I’d rather they just suffocate me in my sleep on Christmas Eve and be done with it.
2. Perpetual Sexy Dancing Santa—A 2-foot-tall Santa that shakes his fat ass and grinds his hips in a lascivious way while singing (in the voices of Pat Boone, Berl Ives, and worse) every insipid Christmas Song known to mankind. And best of all, once you turn it on, IT NEVER STOPS! You’ll try everything to get rid of it, even shove it up mom and dad’s big, fat, stupid, hairy chimney!
1. I Saw Mommy Schtupping Santa Claus Video—Somehow inexplicably your parents accidentally left under the tree for you on Christmas morning their home video of them having sex! and not just sex but kinky, noisy, raunchy, whips-and-chains, monkey sex, and they show everything! You’ll be scarred for life when you watch with morbid fascination as dad, in full Santa gear (sans trousers) gives it to mom long and hard in every unimaginable position! Apparently they had a neighbor shoot it because the camera angles and close ups are impeccable! Good old mommy takes it in every orifice and at one point you could swear she actually shouted your name during climax! OMG! You’ll wretch, you’ll gag, you’ll puke up your figgy pudding and it won’t be till after your 45, and a lot of therapy, that you’ll ever consider doing the nasty after you’ve seen mommy take daddy's load in the face while murmuring “Joy to the World, Our Lord is Come.” The nastiest two hours you’ve ever sat through. Happy Holidays Kids!!!
By Numbsain...No, that's not what happened to him.
10. Wintertime Slip n’ Slide—When it’s well below freezing outside what could be more fun than getting soaking wet, belly flopping onto a plastic tarp and sliding across the front lawn? Anything! Great way to lose unwanted fingers.
9. Real Reindeer Antlers—These would make a great toy, coat rack or just a keepsake. If they weren't still attached to a reindeer's head. One with a particularly horrified look on its face at that. Unmounted and unstuffed, in fact it’s still warm and bloody. Give it one of the names of Santa’s Reindeer: Basher, Masher, Crasher and Victim, Crammit, Dammit, Dahmer, and Stick-‘em.
8. Johnny Tweaker: My First Meth Lab Play Set—Everything you need to make one of the most addictive drugs on the street, pure crystal Meth! And it’s as much fun to make as it is to take! Includes all those caustic, toxic, corrosive chemicals you need to make a bag of gak street valued at $5,000! You'll be one popular 9-year-old with every skeleton-faced cougar in your trailer park beating down your door for your crank, take it either way, you'll eventually blow up.
7. Bed Bugz!—No, not a game by Milton Bradley, an actual bucket of live bugs, HUGE ONES! Like the giant weta pictured above! 2 inch long Hissing Madagascar Cockroaches! and the Bird Eater Tarantula whose legspan is as wide as a Christmas Turkey! Imagine your surprise when you unwrap this treasure trove and watch it scatter to all corners of the house. Forget the roach motels, set rat traps, or just runaway from home.
6. Attorney in a Box—You guessed it, an actual lawyer wrapped up in a shipping crate and ready to defend you in court after you murder your parents for getting you a sleazy, slimy, sweaty, greasy, ambulance chaser for Christmas! Choice of Jewish or Mexican. If the cheap aftershave doesn't get to you, the constant stream of fast-talking blather about how much they'll rake in if they can sue so and so will.
5. A Buy-One-Get-One-an-1/8th-Off coupon to Chuck E. Cheese!—Like anyone would ever take a date to Chuck E. Cheese. Besides, you’re eleven! You’re old enough to know that pizza sucks, and that 4-year-olds pee in the colored balls regularly.
4. Fighting Frogs!—Hey now this sounds fun right? It’s not. If they do fight with each other it’s a twenty minute standoff and then zap! One of them is dead and now you’ve got a deadly poisonous frog loose in your house! Why don’t they just buy you and your little brother a pair of Glocks and let you have at it?
3. The 6 CD collection of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Alvin and the Chipmunks arrangements of Christmas songs With Special Guest vocalists Donny and Marie Osmond!—If that was my Christmas gift I’d rather they just suffocate me in my sleep on Christmas Eve and be done with it.
2. Perpetual Sexy Dancing Santa—A 2-foot-tall Santa that shakes his fat ass and grinds his hips in a lascivious way while singing (in the voices of Pat Boone, Berl Ives, and worse) every insipid Christmas Song known to mankind. And best of all, once you turn it on, IT NEVER STOPS! You’ll try everything to get rid of it, even shove it up mom and dad’s big, fat, stupid, hairy chimney!
1. I Saw Mommy Schtupping Santa Claus Video—Somehow inexplicably your parents accidentally left under the tree for you on Christmas morning their home video of them having sex! and not just sex but kinky, noisy, raunchy, whips-and-chains, monkey sex, and they show everything! You’ll be scarred for life when you watch with morbid fascination as dad, in full Santa gear (sans trousers) gives it to mom long and hard in every unimaginable position! Apparently they had a neighbor shoot it because the camera angles and close ups are impeccable! Good old mommy takes it in every orifice and at one point you could swear she actually shouted your name during climax! OMG! You’ll wretch, you’ll gag, you’ll puke up your figgy pudding and it won’t be till after your 45, and a lot of therapy, that you’ll ever consider doing the nasty after you’ve seen mommy take daddy's load in the face while murmuring “Joy to the World, Our Lord is Come.” The nastiest two hours you’ve ever sat through. Happy Holidays Kids!!!
By Numbsain...No, that's not what happened to him.
