AWFULLY AWESOME FORTUNE COOKIES

 Isn't that just despicable? The day Chinese restaurants start advertising smut in fortune cookies is the day I stop looking online for smut advertisments. Fortune cookies are a tradition that dates back to when they first started making fortune cookies, and the wisdom found in these edible oracles has helped millions find the path to their true destinies. Well I suppose if it's your true destiny you can't exactly avoid it. But it's nice to have the reassurance along the way of a reliable, trusted authority...cookies. Especially ones that don't taste very good because you figure it's gotta have some purpose. Although that doesn't explain the little doily underneath dim sum that just gets all soggy and you can't tell if you're supposed to eat it or not until it's too late.

 I hope you enjoyed these fortunes because I had to eat a lot of bad Chinese food to get them. One place was called "Human Restaurant" but there was a typo on the sign so it said "Hunan." I guess it's easy to mess up the translations. but it didn't taste like human at all, it tasted more like chicken. So I tried to get my money back but they said, "yu dam foo, wai yu so dum, wee noh hav hyu man, yu mus goh nao!" which I assume means, "Sorry no refunds."

By Numbsain...hee sum dum gai.

TOP TEN LAST THINGS PEOPLE HEAR

"Say Henri, what force of nature should we taunt mercilessly today?"
"What say we go beg gravity to kill us?" "Okay sounds great!"

10. Suicide Hotline, can you hold please? [Please stay on the ledge for the next available operator…Ah, ah, ah, ah, stay-in’ a-live…Stay-in a-live…] Hi! Thank you for holding. My name is Jenny, can I get your full name and what method of suicide have you chosen today?

9. C’mon Jimmy, forget about that silly old insulin, you don't need that stuff...

8. I’m sure. Yes, positive. I swear I packed it right. I’ve done it a thousand times. Just go ahead. See you on the ground. Wait Bob! STOP! DID YOU REMEMBER TO STRAP THE DAMN THING TO YOUR BACK?

7. Okay just stay calm, and don’t show it any fear or it’ll rip your guts out faster than you can blink.

6. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED MCMURPHY! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND WE PROMISE WE WON’T SHOOT!…There he is! FIRE!

5. Mine field? What are you talking about there are no mine fields around he– (click).

4. Okay now listen carefully, Jameson, you can do this. I’m gonna talk you down and after this is all over you can tell everyone you landed a 757!

3. Don’t worry the worst that can happen is you get really sick. Takeshi, two more rounds of the blowfish!

2. Cut the red one, no green! No no no sorry it is the red wire…Wait did I say red? I meant green, yes cut the green wire, or was it…

1. Oh yeah, baby! You LOVE my big fat butt don’t you? Yeah you do, huh? Look at you all tied up like that! (Tee hee!) You want me sit right on your face, don’tcha. Yeah, I know. Well, here I go, all 300 pounds of me!!!


By Numbsain...Last he heard was he was going to be just fine...yeah right.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

Numbsain's Unwind has been steadily growing in popularity since I first started it back in August of 2011 and now I'm pleased to announce my blog is about to officially go ITCHY! (one of the stages before "viral," I believe "infectious" is next)

Yes, we're approaching 10,000 hits so keep visiting and if you are that lucky 10,000th visitor you'll win the grand prize! All the money this blog has earned since it started! Wow! I know what you're thinking: "that must be a lot, huh?" You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Tell all your friends, and your enemies too, I don't care. Just don't tell my ex!

As a tribute to nothing in particular here are some random things that some people might like, or hate.

 The contents of God's wallet      (like)

Running errands for your wife       (hate)

End of civilization as we know it       (Either way)

Optical illusions that hurt your eyes      (like)

Stupid autofagiac snakes       (hate)

Cockroach serving Mexican food and a horny blonde girl    (duh)

By Numbsain...He's easily amused, but he bathes...every week.

Funny Valentine

If you’re a man Valentine’s day is a time when the potential to piss someone off is especially high. You’re expected to be romantic and come up with a really nice gift but candy or flowers are unimaginative and won’t impress anyone, yet if you don’t buy them you’re gonna hear it for sure. This means you need to buy them and something else even more expensive too.

Not only that you'll be in big trouble if you don’t plan a romantic dinner and be really good in bed afterwards. By "good" we don’t mean having sex well because that probably won’t happen, unless you get the candy, flowers, something more expensive and romantic dinner part right which is almost impossible. But by good in bed we mean don’t try anything because then it will seem like you want something for all the money you spent. Yet she’ll be offended if you don’t try something in bed.

So basically you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. That’s why Valentine's day is the worst day of the year. Unless you work for See’s, Tiffany’s, a really expensive steak house or a florist shop. So since you’re gonna be fighting anyway you might as well have some fun and get a bag of these assorted, his and hers “Hate Hearts.”



By Numbsain...When it comes to romance he knows everything there is to know about fixing cars.

What Does Nature Mean?

Big Tits are natures way of saying, “Wow Look at these! Isn't life great?"


Aging is natures way of saying, “are you still here?”

Puberty is natures way of saying, “Uh dude, what’s, like, happening to you?

Dying is natures way of saying, “What? You think you’re gonna start feeling better?”

Impotence is natures way of saying, “Now can you stop playing with it for one minute?”

Dating is natures way of saying, “Wouldn’t it be a lot easier just to play with it for a minute?”

Orgasms are natures way of saying, “Doesn’t seem so important now does it?”

Physical exhaustion is natures way of saying, “Now will you stop killing yourself?”

Hunger is natures way of saying,  “Eat.”

Starvation is natures way of saying,  “What part of 'Eat' didn't you understand?”

Defeat is natures way of saying, “What did you think you were, God?”

Failure is natures way of saying, “Hey listen, it happens.”

Windfalls are natures way of saying, “See, I’m not so bad.”

Being ugly is natures way of saying, “at least you know you’re not just getting by on your looks.”

Being attractive is natures way of saying, “Wow look at you, should be a piece o’ cake now…(good luck with that.)”

Pain is natures way of saying, “Sorry, heh-heh.”

Being made to look like an idiot is natures way of saying, “I told you you were an idiot”

Virginity (for a teenage girl) is natures way of saying, ”Okay, so far so good”

Virginity (for a teenage boy) is natures way of saying, ”Wimp.”

Virginity (for a young woman) is natures way of saying, ”Wow! Are you okay? Ya sure?”

Virginity (for a young man) is natures way of saying, ”Dude, wtf?”

Virginity (for a middle aged woman) is natures way of saying, “I knew you weren’t okay, you ready to talk about it now?”

Virginity (for a middle aged man) is natures way of saying, “No comment…No, don’t even…I don’t wanna hear it.”

Virginity (for an older woman) is natures way of saying, ”Hey whatever…It’s your life.”

Virginity (for an older man) is natures way of saying, ”Okay, I’m outta here. You obviously don’t need me …Woulda been nice if you’d told me that in the first place, but who the hell am I. Later. (SLAM!)”


By Numbsain...natures way of saying, "oops."

Yo Mama's So Stupid she's at a loss for words

This has nothing to do with yo mama jokes but...
Damn that's the biggest yeti I ever saw!

This time yo mama's only one thing: STUPID as an Alka-seltzer umbrella.

Yo mama’s so stupid she couldn’t make scrambled eggs because she kept getting them mixed up.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks she has two vaginas but one went bad.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you were 14, and girl crazy, she hired a 16 y.o. girl to babysit you.

Yo mama’s so stupid she threw away your Magic Crystal Growing Kit cause she thought it was a meth lab.

Yo mama’s so stupid she found some white powder in your sock drawer and accused you of stealing sugar from the kitchen.

Yo mama’s so stupid you came home to find the dog on the couch with the remote watching "All My Puppies" and yo mama tied up in the back yard.

Yo mama’s so stupid she said if you don’t finish all your dessert you don’t get to do your homework.

Yo mama’s so stupid she made you boys wear hand me downs…from your big sister.

Yo mama’s so stupid she told you don’t kiss a boy on the first date…So you thought everything else was okay.

Yo mama’s so stupid she serves a continental breakfast for the roach motel.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she saw a charge on your daddy’s credit card for “escort service” she said, “What was wrong with the car, honey?”

Yo mama’s so stupid yo daddy brings her flowers on April Fools Day.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the bank asked for her maiden name she said Maiden Hong Kong.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you asked for Chinese food for dinner, she made Sick & Soggy Pork.

Yo mama's so stupid she believes in the Santa Bunny.

Yo mama's so stupid she's just now learning to say "mama."

Yo mama's so stupid when she gets a headache it's only cosmetic.

Yo mama’s so stupidly dyslexic she prays to the Dog every night.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she ran over a cat, she ran it over 8 more times so it wouldn’t suffer.

Yo mama’s so stupid you needed an excuse for being late with your homework so yo mama ate it.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the dog had puppies she got mad at yo daddy cause they looked like him.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich she started looking for the recipe.

Yo mama’s so stupid that when yo daddy said he was bringing two Brazillian friends over for dinner she said “Oh my god, how many is a brazillion!”

Yo mama’s so stupid that when her therapist asked her “tell me about your mother.” She said, “Ask her your damn self this is my therapy!”

Yo mama's so stupid she bit her tongue, then asked for seconds. 

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her when was her last period she said, “Oh I’m not in school anymore, doctor.”

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her, “Have you had migraines?” she batted her eyelashes and said, “Are you inviting me over for breakfast, doctor?”

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her, “Any hot flashes” she blushed and said, “Well, my top fell of in the pool once.”

Yo mama’s so stupid she makes Sarah Palin look sma-…No wait, that’s impossible. Nobody’s that stupid.



All original yo mama jokes by Numbsain, the worlds leading authority on maternal belittlement.

Unwind From Her Point of View

Dear Readers,

You may have noticed that most, if not all of my posts, are written from a decidedly male perspective. This is to be expected since I am a member of the unfairer sex. But I feel it would be a refreshing change if I were to write a typical Numbsain’s Unwind post from a female point of view, completely devoid of the usual maleness that is normally so evident in my writing. So it's time to turn on the estrogen and get totally into the female mindset, which I can do just as easily as flipping a switch. Here we go…


Top Ten Benefits of Having a Man with (tee hee) Two Penises! lol!

10. Well he’d have confidence, and a really good job, a job that a man with one penis could never have. (Tee hee)! Oh my! I can’t believe I’m writing this!

9. Mom, Daddy, I hope you are not reading this post…but if you are, forgive me please? (I wuv you guys! XOXOXOX)

8. Ooooh, I know. When one of his penises is, well, sleeping (tee hee,) and isn’t there for me, ready to satisfy my womanly urges. I can always have the other. Yay for me! LOL!...Oh, I’m so bad!

7. Penises are so nice, I like to have more than just one! (tee hee hee) Gosh this is so embarrassing!!!!!

6. Okay what else? Oh my gosh if my girlfriends back at Delta Beta Kappa saw this I would just DIE!

5. I don’t know, a penis is just a body part. If I really and truly love my man it wouldn’t matter what he had, well, down there, y’know? But a big one sure helps! LMAO!

4. Oh I’m just terrible! I never thought I would be writing pornography! Hahahaha hee hee! (Sigh!)

3. I would be so proud of my big strong man with two penises, because he’d be the one, my soulmate, forever (sigh).

2. and when he holds me in his powerful arms, and looks deep into my eyes, I would feel…happy…(sob) for the first time in my life…Oh, two penis man! I love you! OXOXOXOXOXOXOX!

1. And he’d love me too…But, not every night. C’mon honey, we just did that yesterday…No! The answer is No, not tonight…maybe next week if you buy me the shoes I was telling you about…then maybe I’ll, you know what…I can’t say it. No just one of them, mister! Hel-l-lo-o-o I’m up here. Those are my breasts they can’t talk. talk to me. Ugh will you put those away please? tsk! Your such a typical man.





By Numbsaina...Strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman.