STUPID PEANUTS

Although crunchy and delicious, the peanut has been largely ignored in popular culture. Sure we eat them by the wheelbarrow-full but have you ever actually listened to what a peanut has to say? Have you ever been interested in the insipid little comments these common staple items utter when they're sitting in a bowl on your coffee table as an offering to guests who don't deserve fancy mixed nuts. if you either said "no" or "do I look like an idiot" The following series  may hold the answer as to why.

We hope you now see why peanuts are low on the food chain and stop being so flattered by their mindless compliments. it's just a survival instinct to get you to not eat them.

illustrated and written by numbsain...something of a peanut himself.

“Okay if I smoke?” “Sure, mind if I fart?”

Bad habits have been a popular favorite since Adam and Eve smoked their first dime of crack. But even more trendy than having bad habits, is quitting them. Entire organizations, are built on kicking everything from airplane glue to Pez, but the number one habit people love to quit is cigarettes. I used to quit smoking every night before going to bed. I realized I was in denial when I started using insomnia as an excuse to not quit.

Recently I actually did quit and my sense of smell returned. It's a good thing because it reminded me that my ex, who died of second hand smoke three months ago, was still in the closet. My parents were always concerned about second hand smoke. So they stayed at least ten feet apart whenever they smoked. They thought if they smoked the more natural cigarettes, it wouldn't kill them. They were right, they both died from natural causes...in their early thirties.

Back in the day, people didn't worry about second hand smoke. The father smoked at the dinner table and flicked the ashes right on the babies head. Now they're trying to ban smoking in all public places. I'll support that when they ban perfume, cologne and all whale vomit based designer stenches in general. They would also have to outlaw body odor, bad breath and farting, Incarcerate every skunk, civet cat and rutting goat, plus shut down half of New Jersey. Internal combustion engines would have to go too.

Though studies show that jogging along a freeway is less damaging to the lungs than if you're driving because when you breath heavily, the toxins don't have time to settle in. Yeah but I can easily run them over, but anyway... based on that fact, I took up exercising so I wouldn't have to quit smoking. But I can't find a gym with a smoking section.

So, begrudgingly, I nicked the kickotine habit, but the cravings wouldn't go away, so I got the patch. It was useless because I wasn't breast fed nearly long enough—my girlfriend weaned me off the double D's after only a year—so I still have the oral fixation. I tried the gum. That was close, but no cigar. Now I've started smoking moderately, five packs a day. But I found the combination of the three gives me the satisfaction I want from a bad habit. Now my girlfriend says kissing me tastes like licking an ashtray. I told her that's disgusting. Whose ashtray was it anyway?

I don't trust anti-smoking campaigns either. When was the last time some corporation or political entity told you to do something for your health? If they paid for a billboard, they've figured out how to make money from it. You've seen the ads:

“10,000 Smoking Related Deaths This Year.”

That includes the guy who tried to toss his cigarette out the closed window of his car, the cherry landed in his lap so he swerved trying to brush it onto the floor, hit the car next to him who veered of the road into a vegetable stand launching a zucchini over a fence hitting the emergency brake on Clevis McGee's back hoe which rolled over a haystack where he and Debbie Jo Calhoun were bumpin' uglies until they got tilled into the topsoil, dismembered and dried in the noon day sun.

Then there are those Surgeon General warnings that get more and more severe every few years:





This has been a public disservice announcement from the
American Council of Money Grubbing Corporations
Who Care About Your Health as Much as They Care About Who Becomes the Next U.S. President.

by Numbsain...“at least he gives a shit!”

Onedownsmanship with Gus and Phil

Phil: Mornin’ Gus.

Gus: Mornin’ Phil.

Phil: What's it feel like to be your own ancestor?

Gus: You can tell a man’s age by countin' the rings around his eyes.

Phil: Ain't ya' get any shut eye?

Gus: Who can sleep with all that racket? Damn fool kids got one them new fangled video games. Hootin’ and hollerin’ like coyotes after a kill. Shoot, back in my day, we had real games like battleships or tiddlywinks. Kept us happy for hours and din’t use a watt o’ ‘lectricity. We knew what fun was.

Phil: Hell, when I was just a sprout, we never had all that. Game o' stick-ball was as much fun as a boy could have on a Saturday off. We’d get ourselves a high bouncer from the five and dime, find an old broom handle an’ we was in heaven. Exercise, skill, and it got us out o’ that rundown one bedroom flat the eight of us shared.

Gus: Stick-ball eh? Y'all musta been from the rich neighborhood. Shoot, we ain’t had none o’ that. Back in my day, we played dodge-rock. Only had one rock in the whole damn town so we had to share it. Course the whole town could prob’ly fit inside your fancy one bedroom. Fourteen of us lived in a piano crate with a hole cut in it. I remember one Christmas mama stole us a chicken. I can still taste that yardbird.

Phil: Oohwee! Y’all had chicken? Sounds like you was spoiled boy. My twenty three siblings and I once nearly died walkin’ 20 feet to the edge of the dirt pile we lived on just to catch a look at a real farmhouse. Heard they had a chicken but I’ll be damned if we ever saw it. When I was five I did my family proud and caught me a juicy rat. We ate for weeks. I was the youngest so Mama sewed a little pair of shorts for me outta the pelt. Only reason I survived was on account of a scrap o’ meat I found in them shorts. I think mama left it for me on purpose. Least I think it was meat.

Gus: Oh, we didn’t have the luxury of a cozy dirt pile to come home to. Shoot, a hundred and eleven of us made do in a rolled up piece o’ newspaper in the middle of the road. Ain’t et my first meal until I was eighteen years old. Yup, it was my own foot. Mama used to slice it real thin and make us sandwiches between two black gum wads. That was iffin we could scrape ‘em off the side walk. Lasted us twenty years.

Phil: Y'all had foot n' gumwad sandwiches? Oowhee! My clan o' three-hunnert woulda killed fer a bite o' real food. We chewed on our fingernails fer nutrition. lived inside a candy wrapper in a dumpster. We couldn't even afford air to breathe so we had to pass the one breath around. You folks had it good.

Gus: What the hell are you talkin’ about Phil? That’s ridiculous! Shut up!


by numbsain...back in my day we couldn't afford my day.

Top Ten Things Todd Akin Thinks the Female Body Can Do

Akin and wife upon learning that the female body cannot run alongside a golf cart carrying 200lbs of clubs in the blazing sun all afternoon.

10. Render a man speechless, or just make his sound really stupid.

9. Walk into a room and turn every head…in a circle three times.

8. Reverse its digestive tract directly into his face.

7. Grow bigger tits.

6. Slap him in the face with its arms and kick him in the nuts with its legs.

5. Serve him breakfast in bed any time.

4. Look better and better the more beer he drinks.

3. Be the subject of poets and lorikeets throughout history.

2. Have a penis, as he discovered late one night in a seedy hotel.

1. BURN WITCH BURN!

By numbsain...he thinks the female body can do whatever it wants to him.

New Yo Momma Jokes

These are not your ordinary yo mama jokes but, then again, yo mama ain't no ordinary mama. Sure, she's fat, ugly, and stupid, after all she's yo mama. But now she has a whole bunch of new problems, like ADD. The woman's got the attention span of a distracted gnat. When you were a baby she tried to get you to eat by making a the fork go like an airplane. If yo daddy didn't happen to be an air traffic controller you would have starved to death. And she suffers from dyslexia, really bad dyslexia. Well you'll see what I mean.

Yo mama’s so dyslexic when yo daddy asked her for a kiss she sat on his face.

Yo mama’s so dyslexic she thinks two wrongs don’t make a left.

Yo mama's so dyslexic when she says she's had it up to here with you she points to her feet.

Jokes about her even get mixed up yo mama’s so dyslexic.

Yo mama’s so dyslexic she uses the hazards for turn signals.

Yo mama’s so dyslexic she wouldn’t even try doing the hokey pokey.

Yo mama is so dyslexic you asked her what's up and she said, "I don't know."

Yo mama's got such bad ADD she wrote herself a "To..." list.

Yo mama's got such bad ADD she packed you a mayonnaise sandwich for lunch.

Yo mama’s so frigid her underwear has a lettuce crisper.

Yo mama's so frigid she has little vegetable magnets stuck to her butt.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got "a" in spelling…but no other words.

Yo mama’s so self-conscious about her lazy eye that she has to say she’s seeing someone on the side.

Yo mama’s so embarrassed about her waddle that she keeps it tucked into her cleavage.

Yo mama’s so sensitive about her hairy moles she dyes the hair green and say’s they’re chia moles.

Yo mama’s so intolerant of dirt that she makes you put on a slip cover before you walk in the house.

Yo mama’s so desperate she has a neon light on her panties that says VACANCY.

Yo mama’s so fat she tried to eat with a fork in the road.

Yo mama’s so mean she ordered the kids meal and then brought you over to the cook and said “Use this one and gimme a discount.”

Yo mama’s so mean when you asked her for money she handed you her hooker clothes and said, “get a job.”

Yo mama’s so hard up she shaved her pubic hair into a welcome mat.

Yo mama’s so strict you had a barbed-wire crib.

Yo mama’s so cheap she only lets you keep a pet until dinner time.

Yo mama’s so old when they read the bible in church she says, “Now that’s not what he told me…”

Yo mama’s so negligent she asked the day care center if they had permanent residences.

Yo mama’s so negligent she always forgets to clean your litterbox.

Yo mama’s so illiterate she can’t even set a spell.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you asked could you have a friend over for dinner she said, “over rice?”

Yo mama’s so fat she sat on Nat King Cole and when she got up he was Neil Diamond.

Yo mama’s so fat when her tampon leaked a red spot on her butt they thought it was Jupiter.

Yo mama’s such a cow, we call her Black Anguish.

Yo mama’s so fat she doesn’t get laid, she gets spelunked.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought puffy combs were for styling afros.

Yo mama’s so stupid when someone mentioned P. Diddy she said, “Who did? Where did he?”

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought she’d win a spelling bee cause she was good at spelling “bee.”

Yo mama’s so stupid  she thought 4 x 4 = Toyota.


by numbsain...His mama didn't raise no fool...She left him with his daddy.

Top 10 Reasons Sandusky Should Be Allowed to Coach

from Penn State to State Pen

Note: this is a joke: He should not be allowed to coach or take of his clothes, or his muzzle.

10. He’s molested fewer boys than most catholic priests.
9. He knows a good tight end when he sees one.
8. He’s tough and can take a licking.
7. He knows his team inside and out.
6. The cheerleaders are safe.
5. He gives players gifts and treats...Oh, sorry I misread "threats."
4. He teaches good ball handling techniques
3. He said he’s not a pedophile.
2. Penn State has a pretty good record—how bad could he be?
1. He’s a strong advocate of masculine hygiene.

by numbsain..."I felt his penis in my eye."

Yo Mama Jokes...But She Ain't Funny

Yo mama: "Officer, I just made a silent fart. What should I do?"
Police officer: Replace the batteries in your hearing aid, lady

Yo mama’s so fat she asks, “do these pants make my ass look like Jupiter?”


Yo mama’s so stupid when she got a flat tire she went to jack in the box.

Yo mama’s so sweaty if you’re sitting in the first three rows you WILL get wet.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had to live in apartment #1 on the first floor at “1 First Street” cause she couldn’t count any higher.

Yo mama so ugly she went to Victoria’s Secrets and asked for something that would really turn a man on. They showed her Tina, the cashier.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks “propaganda” is when you take a good long look.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she saw you sagging she thought your ass crack was creeping up your back.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got arrested for shoplifting cause she couldn’t remember the second half of “Pick n’ Pay.”
Yo mama’s so stupid she likes Mickey D’s better than McDonald’s.

Yo mama’s so stupid she asked, “What does 911 spell?”

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought “constipation” meant “a full time job”.

Yo mama’s so poor she got fired from her job in a sweat shop for stealing sweat.

Yo mama’s so fat the dog tries to protect her from her own ass.

Yo mama’s so ugly there’s a Photoshop filter called de-yo-mama-fy.

Yo mama’s so fat when she gave birth to you, you almost suffocated.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought a gynocologist was an Australian doctor who was still gyna college.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks Casino Morongo is a gigantic beast that fights Godzilla.

yo mama’s so fat if she got all up in your face your head would explode.

Yo mama’s so poor when she barfs she checks to see if anything’s still good.

Yo mama’s so fat she’s all that, and that, and that over there, and all that stuff over there too.

Yo mama’s so fat she means everything to yo daddy and to everybody else too.

Yo mama’s so fat she got it goin’ on, and on, and on…

Yo mama’s so fat when she wears black and raises both arms you think of Mickey Mouse.

Yo mama’s so fat when she sits in the car she spills out the window…on both sides.

Yo mama’s so fat they didn’t know you’d been born until she stood up and kicked you.

Yo mama’s so fat when they strip searched her at the airport it took 3 days.

Yo mama’s so fat she’s incontinent, sorry, I meant she’s “a continent”

Yo mama’s so fat if you put a cookie on her shoulder she’d break her own neck

Yo mama’s so ugly when she looked in the bathroom mirror she said, “Who put a fish tank in my bathroom?”

Yo mama’s so fat she rolls like that.

By numbsain...yo mama's worst nightmare.

Fun Facts (in the broader sense) about the States

Not actual size

ALABAMA—Has the most unwanted mothers of any state. And the most wanted fathers …wanted by the police.

ALASKA—The only state where you can get raped by a polar bear, and hallucinate Russia from your back yard.

ARIZONA—The only state in the continental U.S. that didn’t mind being next to Nevada.

ARKANSAS—Has considerably more then ten times as many fingers as it has people.

CALIFORNIA—The only state where cats and dogs "friend" each other on facebook, and have a legal right to vote.

COLORADO—The only state with toxic levels of pure clean air. Colorado’s state flower is a rock.

CONNECTICUT—This states name contains a contradiction of continuity, and is also the birthplace of the fart.

DELAWARE—Boasts being the “most humble” state and has claimed bragging rights to that distinction for over 200 years.

FLORIDA—A man is 4 times more likely to die choking on his own penis in Florida than in any of the other states.

GEORGIA—Home of the date rape drug, no one person in Georgia has ever had a mutual orgasm

HAWAII—The only state surrounded by a moat, half the people in Hawaii are below the average intelligence for the state of Hawaii

IDAHO—It is twelve times as likely for a man to hire a prostitute and have it end up being his wife in Idaho than any other state.

ILLINOIS—Consumes more internet porn than the rest of the country put together. 

INDIANA—A virtual crock pot mecca, Indiana is the slow-cookin’-est state.

IOWA—More fatal gunfights between two-year-olds occur in Iowa.

KANSAS—Is the only state where little scruffy dogs care whether they are there or not.

KENTUCKY—More CO2 canisters are mistaken for suppositories in this state.

LOUISIANA—Often called the “State of Affairs, more people cheat in Baton Rouge (which means redness from being hit with a stick) than in any other city.

MAINE—The only state in the union that’s spelled wrong

MARYLAND—Everyone living in this state is a CPA. And all are unemployed.

MASSACHUSETTS—The first blow job given to a Turkish quadripalegic in front of a classroom full of Belgian foreign exchange students during a hurricane took place here.

MICHIGAN—All the streets in the state’s capitol city are named after a bodily function.

MINNESOTA—Most people in Minnesota have accidentally sodomized their grandparents.

MISSISSIPPI—The Sippy-Cup was invented here. But it was meant for uncoordinated adults.

MISSOURI—The only state with the word “sour” in the name.

MONTANA—The only state that tries to be like a lot of other states by ending in “A.”

NEBRASKA—Often called “the anti-panty state,” more women “go commando” in this state than in any other.

NEVADA—The first state to legalize stupidity, a pastime now practiced openly in all other states.

NEW HAMPSHIRE—The worst of the “New” states, they even spelled “hamster” wrong.

NEW JERSEY—Has the most people who wish they were dead.

NEW MEXICO—Famous for not having cheap hookers, at least none I was able to find.

NEW YORK—The only state where people will give you the finger and good advice in the same breath.

NORTH CAROLINA—The only paired “North” state that’s no better than it’s southern counterpart.

NORTH DAKOTA—The state where impatient finger tapping was first observed.

OHIO—The only state name that, when read backwards, sounds like a rabbi reprimanding a prostitute.

OKLAHOMA—The only state of the union where the word “voluptuous” is used inappropriately to describe everything from food to TV reception.

OREGON—The only state in which everyone secretly thinks they are better than everyone else in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA—The only state that wasn’t afraid of sounding too much like “Transylvania”.

RHODE ISLAND—The state with the unnecessary “H.”

SOUTH CAROLINA—The only state with no distinguishing characteristics.

SOUTH DAKOTA—The only state where men simply tell their wives, “Take off your panties,” as a prelude to hanky-panky.

TENNESSEE—The state that thinks it’s cool but is so not.

TEXAS—The only state where sexual perversion is considered prestigious, STD’s collateral damage.

UTAH—The state that never evolved, cult religions are the norm and bigamy is encouraged.

VERMONT—This state has such a sweet tooth they squeeze sugar right out of the trees.

VIRGINIA—Birthplace of the contemptuous sneer.

WASHINGTON—The only state that shares it’s name with a city, a president, and a lot of black folks.

WASHINGTON D.C.—Is the only place that’s not a state yet somehow got on this list.

WEST VIRGINIA—The only state in which laughing is a crime and brain activity is optional.

WISCONSIN—Is really Canada.

WYOMING—Is the only state whose name questions transcendental meditators.

By numbsain...constantly in a state of confusion.

TOP TEN WORST TOWN NAMES

What does this have to do with anything? You'll see if you read on.

10. Backwash, Idaho
Population 400. The town's main attraction is the Backwash Dog Museum which delights enthusiasts with over 12 breeds of domesticated canine taxidermed pretty well by the curator himself, still there's an odor that keeps the locals from paying the $1.00 admission despite their extreme boredom. Out-of-towners wishing to get their money's worth usually last about a minute before they bolt for the door gasping for fresh air.

9. Discomfort, Michigan
Founded in 1834, According to the elders the town was named Discomfort due to a preponderance of nosebot flys which would lay their eggs in a person's nasopharynx while they were sleeping. As the maggot grew to 2 inches in length and devoured the host's brain it was said to cause some discomfort, hence the name. Population 0 as of 1835.

8. Ugly Old Biddy, Wisconsin
Founded by a farmer with 12 beautiful daughters who were oversexed and allergic to any type of apparel. Obviously the old man wanted them all to himself. The town is now inhabited by aged inbred retarded women who ate all the men, and for whom the town is now aptly named. 

7. Gotapee Springs, Missouri
There are no natural springs in Gotapee, nor are their any toilets due to a porcelain shortage. Just the Anheuser Busch brewery and a lot of drunken factory employees.

We have no idea where this is but we found this picture in an old shoebox.

6. Broken Penis, Arkansas
Named after the towns mayor, chief of police, fire marshal, general store owner and only resident. Legend has it Mayor Percival-Bob Meaterson broke his penis in a fucking accident back when it was a population of 2, the second resident being a tree stump named Sally.

5. Skidmark, Mississippi
A town so small that motorists driving through looking for a restroom shit their tighty-whiteys when they discover none to be found, nor even a tree to squat behind for privacy. But when they see the pile of soiled underwear at the far end of this roadside blight with a population of 13 (according to the sign, though no one's ever seen them), they add theirs to the heap.

4. Catspanking, Wyoming
Population 4,825. The town is situated atop an ancient burial ground used by the Pawnee Tribe whose spirits think it's hilarious to possess the bodies of all the stray cats in the burg and make them act real naughty (hence the name Catspanking).
The local sheriff at one time tried to pass a law prohibiting the striking of felines, but the townsfolk, having become quite fond of this disciplinary method, wouldn't hear of it and  to this day the town's motto is, "Spank 'em if you catch 'em."

3.  Bubblecud Nebraska
A poorly tested soil enhancement once used in this farming town gave the grasses an elastic quality which when chewed by the 2000 some odd head of cattle allows them to blow their cud into fairly impressive sized bubbles. They no longer hold the annual Cud-Bubble Competition because of a few cheaters who walked away with the trophy every year ruining the fun for the rest of them.

Christmas time in Frankfurter Plunge. Here two residents find the weather
just perfect for a good old fashioned western drawing match.

2. Frankfurter Plunge, Texas
They say everything is bigger in Texas. That doesn't apply to the un-google-mappable town of Frankfurter Plunge whose population barely reaches 2 digits during tourist season. With an average temperature of 118 F throughout most of the year locals claim it's the perfect climate in which to die.

1. Wobbly Pecker, Tennessee

Population 43,000. A richly landscaped and architecturally cutting-edge tourist mecca, with lavish high-rise 5-star hotels, sprawling public parks, sparkling fountains lining opulent 6-lane city thoroughfares with shopping centers of great abundance and glitz was planned for this town, but none of it came to fruition, some say due to the dubious name choice.

Bullshit artists conception of some bullshit he made up.

By numbsain...he was born in a town called "Yechh."

Yo Mama's So...Somethin'

yo mama tripped and fell while crossing the street

 Yo mama’s so fat Ben & Jerry have their own parking spaces in front of the house.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she went to get acupuncture she asked for a shot of novacaine first.

Yo mama’s so fat yo daddy smacks her ass before he goes to work and when he comes home it’s still jiggling.

yo mama’s so old she has dinosaur DNA trapped in her boogers.

Yo mama’s so old when she crosses the street she's afraid of being hit by a horse and buggy.

Yo mama’s so fat her favorite continental breakfast is Africa.

Yo mama’s so old she tells senior citizens, “When I was your age I had respect for my Australopithecus."

Yo mama’s so old she tells you not to track the earths partially cooled crust into the house.

Yo mama’s so old she put her money in the first national bank.

Yo mama’s so old she once yelled at a guy for dragging a wooden cross through her rose bushes. Then she made him wear the ones he ruined on his head.

Yo mama’s so stupid when a clerk tried to sell her pants made of corduroy she asked who the other three quarters were.

Don't ask...I have no idea.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to Weight Watchers, they sent her to Whale Watchers.

Yo mama’s so fat there are wise men living in her hair.

Yo mama’s so big she has a snow cap.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she got crabs they had to tent her.

Yo mama’s so fat when she played goalie on the soccer team she never had to move.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks the Flinstones is a reality TV show.

Yo mama’s so fat when she went to get a tramp stamp they sent her to a muralist.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to a restaurant alone and the maitre ‘d said “party of five?”

Yo mama’s so fat you need binoculars to read over her shoulder.

Yo mama’s so fat she wins at twister every time on the first spin.

Yo mama’s so old archeologists are already trying to study her.

Yo mama’s so old she complains that the universe just isn’t expanding they way it used to.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a bear in the woods and told you to watch where you step.

What? Well she is! Don't lie. C'mon yo mama ain't in the best of shape, she ain't exactly fine, and she forgets to breathe sometimes so we're not talking genetic perfection here, get over it. If you don't like me talking about yo mama, leave a comment and tell me about my mama. C'mon bring it on.

By numbsain...He's a mother too. In fact he's his own mother. Now that was a difficult delivery!

Don't forget to take a gander at our many other yo mama jokes:

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/11/yo-mama-jokes-2012.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/02/yo-mamas-so-stupid-shes-at-loss-for.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/01/numbsain-lets-fly-on-yo-mamaagain.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mamas-are-so-phat.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mama-2012-part-2-yo-mamas-had-it-now.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/10/yo-momma-jokesso-stupid-even-yo-momma.htm

Yo Mama Jokes "Readers" Hall of Fame 2012

Welcome to the
“First Annual Numbsain’s Unwind Yo Mama Jokes 2012 Readers Hall of Fame”
Where YOU write the jokes and I laugh! We’ve got some good ones here from folks all over the world, and some I suspect from other planets. But we all have one thing in common, we love insulting yo mama. Of course we don’t really hate mamas because, after all without mamas we’d have no one to spit on a tissue and wipe our faces with it when it’s dirty. But since nobody’s mama would ever read this blog, who better to pick on? so without further ado...


reedykurtis12721 gave us these two:

Yo mama is so stupid she got locked in walmart and starved.
yo mama is so stupid she brought a spoon to the superbowl.

Thank you reedy!

 
TROPICAL NEON shouted:

YO MAMA IS SOOOO FAT WE NEEDED A COMPASS TO FIND HER BUTTHOLE NAH NOT EVEN YO MAMA IS SOOO FAT WEN SHE WENT TO DA BEACH ALL THE WHALES STARED TO SING WE R FAMILY EVEN THOUGH U FATTA DEN ME DATS A JOKE.

Well he didn’t have to yell and he should learn about periods but we love him anyway cause he’s funny. thank you TROPICAL NEON! Oh by the way, trop, just curious, but why were you trying to find my mama’s butthole?



gregr brang us this one:

yo mama teeth is so yellow, cars slow down.
Thank you gregr, except for one thing. My mama ain’t got no teeth.



donneia had this to say:

yo mama lips so big when she wanted to kiss her bf she swalled his head O_O
Hey, donneia, you DO know my mama! Hahahahaha he deserved it. (Doesn’t donneia look pretty with those big eyes of hers? She should smile more though.)



Yo momma herself wrote in and said:

yo mamma so fat when she jumped in the air she got stuck.

Well she should know. Thank you uh, mom.



Conrad was really pushin’ his luck when he said:

Yo Momma so stupid she bookmarked this website.

hmf! I think she was smart.



Angelonfire sent in this original joke:

yo mama so fat when i was sitting on the end of the couch she sat on the other edge she made me go fly across the room.

Good one, Angel. You ARE on fire!



ddawesumness wrote in and said:

yo mama so old wen i asked her 4 her id she gave me a rock.
Thank you dd, that was one of my favorites.



trey jhonson offered this gem:

yo mama is so stupid she shoved a phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.

Excellent! Thank you trey.



regina wrote in and had the nerve to say:

these are the stupidest jokes there not a bit funny
heres a real joke .........
yo mama so old when god said let there be light she was there to hit the switch!!!!!!!!
now thats hilarious mmmm bahhhahahahahahahahah .........shaking my head!!!!!!!!!

Hmk!…No I’m not laughing cause I’m mad at regina. Not just because she said my jokes weren’t funny but also she uses too many exclamation marks! Save some for the rest of us, girl!...Hmk!...Hah…hahaHAHAHA! But she cracks me up! Bahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!! Oops!



random comes in all slick and says:

yo mamas so fat when she went on her scale her phone number came up!
now thats a joke.

Oh it is is it? Good thing, random, cause my mama ain’t that fat!



Tannerb wrote in and shared these two original jokes which he wrote himself. A lot of people try to steal his jokes but that’s just cause they ain’t no tannerb. He says:

yo mamma so old when moses parted the red sea she was on the other side fishin' and heres another yo mama so old when she was born the dead sea just started gettin sick.

Hahaha I love that one. Nice work tannerb, you the shizzizzney!



And then we have this lovely offering from little sam:

any one who posts on this site likes to suk my dik.
yo mama a bi**h

Aawww isn’t that sweet? Little sam, couldn’t be more the 3 foot nothin and he took his pacifier out of his mouth just to say those kind words. Thank you sammy-poo!



emily came on and sent us this classic:

yo mamas teeth is so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles.
Thanks Em, I like they way you told that one.



This one is from john:

yo mamas so nasty when i asked her whats for dinner she opened her legs and said crabs.

You so nasty. I bet when john goes to McDonalds he orders the Big 'N' Nasty.



Frankster 28 comes in and lays four good ones on us in a row just like that Bam!  Bam! Bam! Bam!:

Yo mama so fat that her blood type is rockyrode
Yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car
Yo mama so short she hand glides on Doritos chips
Yo mama is like a vacume cleaner she blows, she sucks and gets laid in the closet
Woah! Thank you Frankster28!



And thank all of you for reading my blog and sharing your funny-ass yo mama jokes with us. I can’t pick a winner out of everyone because all y'all are winners. Every last one of you. even my little buddy sam. (Aw isn’t he cute? When he was a baby his first words were, “Ah go f*ck yerself, beeyotch!” I’ll bet he can name any brand of soap just by the taste.) You all should write blogs of your own and make up all your own jokes and show the world just how funny you are. And when you do send me a link and I’ll come and comment on YOUR blog.


By the readers of numbsain's unwind...who will one day take over my blog and maybe make it worth reading!

Fight Night at MSG

Live From Madison Square Garden

In this corner... fighting out of green trunks with yellow stripes... wearing a smug overconfident grin... from El Paso Texas... weighing in at 210 pounds... the challenger...

PAN-CH-O-O-O
“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”
PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!

And in this corner... fighting out of blue trunks with pink stripes and fire trucks with little dalmations wearing fireman hats and holding ladders... wearing sensible shoes... from Bullpenis Iowa... weighing in at 218 pounds... the champion...

BOY-E-E-ER
“THE DE-STROY-E-E-ER”
SAW-W-Y-Y-E-E-E-E-R-RRRRrrrrrrr

Ref: Now fighters you know the deal, I want a good, clean fight. Nothin’ dirty. No funny stuff, no silly stuff, no hitting below the belt, no belting below the hit, no biting below the ears, no clenching, no clutching, no hugging, no kissing, no spitting, no pissing, no loitering, no soliciting, no parking anytime, no taking cuts in line, no name calling, no tattling, no chewing gum, and no running in the halls, keep your guard up, chin down, chest up and butt out! Take a swing at me I’ll shove my whistle up yer ass and you’ll be farting high C, you hear me? Now get in yer corners and stay there ‘till the bell... And did you two go to the bathroom first?

Pancho: Shit, I forgot, dude...

Ref: What?!

Pancho: I’m just messing witchoo Holmes!

Ref: Grrr...

Boyer: I’m gonna knock the skittles outta you Piñata!

Pancho: May the crab lice of a thousand hookers infest your armpits you misanthropic troglodyte! I’m gonna make you my girlfriend...

Boyer: Not without dinner and a movie first!

Pancho: Yeah? Whattaya like? there’s a romantic comedy playing at the Lumiere.

Ref: Alright break it up ladies.

[Ding Ding]

The fighters are circling, squaring off, triangulating, Pancho testing his range with a few scales, he’s a little rusty on the high notes, Boyer looks a little chicken, he’s ducking, ducking, now he’s goosing Pancho, the ref doesn’t like that, he gets a little jealous, Pancho seems to like it. Neither boxer really connecting... At least not on a real, emotional level. There’s Pancho with a little combination, looks like a cheese enchilada and a beef taco. Boyers bobbing and weaving... He’s crocheting a little doily, now he throws a wild right, Pancho throws it back, now he throws a shoe, Boyer sizes him up, checks his inseam, Pancho moves in, he pays his first and last months rent but Boyer want’s a cleaning deposit, Pancho’s dancing, he leads with a left, Boyer dips him.
Now Pancho does a two step and he’s really swingin’ but he misses Boyer, he looks kind of sad, Boyer misses him too, they get back together, They’re talking.

Pancho: Hey Sawyer, I saw yer wife last night

Boyer: Yeah, I saw your boyfriend last night.

Pancho: Yeah, well I saw yer momma last night

Boyer: Oh yeah, well I saw your parole officer last night

Pancho: Well I saw your pecker last night, all two inches of it.

Boyer: Yeah that’s cause you had the other eight in your mouth.

Pancho: Really, I thought that was a piece of dental floss.

DING!

And they go to their corners. Boyers trainer Bruce Allswell goes to work on Boyers eye with the endswell, Boyer grabs it and he won’t give it back. Boyers coach tells Boyer to give Allswell that endswell.

Meanwhile Pancho’s standing up in his corner. His trainer is checking out his equipment, he’s not impressed. Pancho takes a drink, he swishes it around in his mouth and spits it out, He doesn’t care for the bouquet of that vintage. The coach brings him an ’05 Bouchon Cabernet Sauvignon, He checks the color. He’s letting it aerate...

DING!

Pancho comes out circling the ring, Boyer comes out circling the other way, not looking where he’s going, They collide in the middle, they trade insurance information, now they start trading punches, they trade a few recipes, then back to punches.
Pancho with a left,
Boyer with a right,
a left,
a right,
a left,
a right,
left,
right,
left,
right,
ten HUT!
Abo-o-out face!
Forwa-a-a-ard Harch!
And they’re marching around the ring.
Boyer breaks formation and nails Pancho with a crushing uppercut.
The challenger is stunned, he’s dazed, he’s confused.
He’s bewitched, bothered and bewildered,
he’s bedazzled, he’s bamboozled, he’s befuddled,
he’s totally discombobulated! Wait! Now he’s recombobulated.
Pancho’s shaking out the cobwebs,
he’s walking it off, he’s getting his bearings,
he stops and asks for directions, he pulls out a map, he’s back on track.
He signals he’s okay, he shrugs it off, and then he falls down flat on his face.
He gets the three count. One! ...Two! ...Two and a half!... Two and three quarters!
Boyer doesn’t like what he sees and he walks over and drop kicks the ref in the nuts!
Then he starts stomping on Pancho’s head. That wakes him up! Pancho’s gotten to his knees, he pulls out a little box, he opens it, it’s a RING!

Pancho: Boyer, will you marry me, Dude?

Boyer: Yes, Pancho. I will marry you! I.. I love you man!

This is beautiful! Boyer accepts! He helps pancho to his feet. They’re about to kiss! Ladies and gentleman this is truly a touching moment...

Oohh! And Pancho delivers a CRUSHING right to the chin of the champion! And Boyer hits the canvas like a 30 pound sack of monkey shit! And he’s out like a fop at a gay pride parade! AMAZING! The crowd goes WILD!!!

And the winner! By a knockout, at the end of round two... The new heavyweight champion of the world...

PAN-CH-O-O-O
“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”
PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!

by numbsain