Fight Night at MSG

Live From Madison Square Garden

In this corner... fighting out of green trunks with yellow stripes... wearing a smug overconfident grin... from El Paso Texas... weighing in at 210 pounds... the challenger...

PAN-CH-O-O-O
“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”
PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!

And in this corner... fighting out of blue trunks with pink stripes and fire trucks with little dalmations wearing fireman hats and holding ladders... wearing sensible shoes... from Bullpenis Iowa... weighing in at 218 pounds... the champion...

BOY-E-E-ER
“THE DE-STROY-E-E-ER”
SAW-W-Y-Y-E-E-E-E-R-RRRRrrrrrrr

Ref: Now fighters you know the deal, I want a good, clean fight. Nothin’ dirty. No funny stuff, no silly stuff, no hitting below the belt, no belting below the hit, no biting below the ears, no clenching, no clutching, no hugging, no kissing, no spitting, no pissing, no loitering, no soliciting, no parking anytime, no taking cuts in line, no name calling, no tattling, no chewing gum, and no running in the halls, keep your guard up, chin down, chest up and butt out! Take a swing at me I’ll shove my whistle up yer ass and you’ll be farting high C, you hear me? Now get in yer corners and stay there ‘till the bell... And did you two go to the bathroom first?

Pancho: Shit, I forgot, dude...

Ref: What?!

Pancho: I’m just messing witchoo Holmes!

Ref: Grrr...

Boyer: I’m gonna knock the skittles outta you Piñata!

Pancho: May the crab lice of a thousand hookers infest your armpits you misanthropic troglodyte! I’m gonna make you my girlfriend...

Boyer: Not without dinner and a movie first!

Pancho: Yeah? Whattaya like? there’s a romantic comedy playing at the Lumiere.

Ref: Alright break it up ladies.

[Ding Ding]

The fighters are circling, squaring off, triangulating, Pancho testing his range with a few scales, he’s a little rusty on the high notes, Boyer looks a little chicken, he’s ducking, ducking, now he’s goosing Pancho, the ref doesn’t like that, he gets a little jealous, Pancho seems to like it. Neither boxer really connecting... At least not on a real, emotional level. There’s Pancho with a little combination, looks like a cheese enchilada and a beef taco. Boyers bobbing and weaving... He’s crocheting a little doily, now he throws a wild right, Pancho throws it back, now he throws a shoe, Boyer sizes him up, checks his inseam, Pancho moves in, he pays his first and last months rent but Boyer want’s a cleaning deposit, Pancho’s dancing, he leads with a left, Boyer dips him.
Now Pancho does a two step and he’s really swingin’ but he misses Boyer, he looks kind of sad, Boyer misses him too, they get back together, They’re talking.

Pancho: Hey Sawyer, I saw yer wife last night

Boyer: Yeah, I saw your boyfriend last night.

Pancho: Yeah, well I saw yer momma last night

Boyer: Oh yeah, well I saw your parole officer last night

Pancho: Well I saw your pecker last night, all two inches of it.

Boyer: Yeah that’s cause you had the other eight in your mouth.

Pancho: Really, I thought that was a piece of dental floss.

DING!

And they go to their corners. Boyers trainer Bruce Allswell goes to work on Boyers eye with the endswell, Boyer grabs it and he won’t give it back. Boyers coach tells Boyer to give Allswell that endswell.

Meanwhile Pancho’s standing up in his corner. His trainer is checking out his equipment, he’s not impressed. Pancho takes a drink, he swishes it around in his mouth and spits it out, He doesn’t care for the bouquet of that vintage. The coach brings him an ’05 Bouchon Cabernet Sauvignon, He checks the color. He’s letting it aerate...

DING!

Pancho comes out circling the ring, Boyer comes out circling the other way, not looking where he’s going, They collide in the middle, they trade insurance information, now they start trading punches, they trade a few recipes, then back to punches.
Pancho with a left,
Boyer with a right,
a left,
a right,
a left,
a right,
left,
right,
left,
right,
ten HUT!
Abo-o-out face!
Forwa-a-a-ard Harch!
And they’re marching around the ring.
Boyer breaks formation and nails Pancho with a crushing uppercut.
The challenger is stunned, he’s dazed, he’s confused.
He’s bewitched, bothered and bewildered,
he’s bedazzled, he’s bamboozled, he’s befuddled,
he’s totally discombobulated! Wait! Now he’s recombobulated.
Pancho’s shaking out the cobwebs,
he’s walking it off, he’s getting his bearings,
he stops and asks for directions, he pulls out a map, he’s back on track.
He signals he’s okay, he shrugs it off, and then he falls down flat on his face.
He gets the three count. One! ...Two! ...Two and a half!... Two and three quarters!
Boyer doesn’t like what he sees and he walks over and drop kicks the ref in the nuts!
Then he starts stomping on Pancho’s head. That wakes him up! Pancho’s gotten to his knees, he pulls out a little box, he opens it, it’s a RING!

Pancho: Boyer, will you marry me, Dude?

Boyer: Yes, Pancho. I will marry you! I.. I love you man!

This is beautiful! Boyer accepts! He helps pancho to his feet. They’re about to kiss! Ladies and gentleman this is truly a touching moment...

Oohh! And Pancho delivers a CRUSHING right to the chin of the champion! And Boyer hits the canvas like a 30 pound sack of monkey shit! And he’s out like a fop at a gay pride parade! AMAZING! The crowd goes WILD!!!

And the winner! By a knockout, at the end of round two... The new heavyweight champion of the world...

PAN-CH-O-O-O
“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”
PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!

by numbsain

YO MAMA TRUTHS

I was thinking about yo mama the other day and it's really not right the way we talk about her. I mean we should cut that woman a little slack. So I thought of some things to say about her that were true and honest. After all she can't help it if she's fat, ugly, and stupid.

Yo mama’s so fat when she tried out for an acting job they said if she was a little brighter she could be a star…or at least a planet.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to get a job at K-Mart but they said they didn’t have any openings...she could fit through.

Yo mama’s so fat some Native Americans tried to claim her ass as Fataho territory.

Yo mama’s so fat she was almost hunted by a Hopi tribe but they decided they would never be able to use every part of her.

Yo mama’s so fat some kidnappers tried to hold her for ransom but they couldn’t get the trunk closed.

Yo mama’s so fat they named a perfume after her: “Gigantic” by Calvin Klien.

Yo mama’s so fat she can’t fall down.

Yo mama’s so fat that she's always a round

Yo mama’s so fat when she sneezed they called it hurricane Mama.

 Yo mama’s so old we found a portrait of her...in a cave painting.

Yo mama’s so stupid her smart phone was making fun of her.

Yo mama’s so fat people see her and say, “Lard have mercy! The lard works in mysterious ways!”

Yo mama’s so fat she, like some dinosaurs, has a second brain in her hips but she’s so stupid all it does is tell her to sit her lazy ass down.


Yo mama's so sensitive she get's offended by the crack of dawn.

Yo mama’s so stupid she bought a Dell computer, turned it on and said, “Where’s the farmer?”


Yo mama may be fat but she does manage to hold down the house…In a tornado!

Yo mama’s so fat when she says, “get off my back!” you all use her thong to bungee off her ass.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Daylight Savings was a bank.

Yo mama’s so stupid she says she gives debit where debit is due.

Yo mama’s so ugly she was asked to leave the circus cause she was scaring the freaks.

Yo mama’s so ugly someone saw her in a public restroom stall and complained to the janitor.

Yo mama’s so ugly when she got a zit on her face she got all kinds of compliments on it.

Yo mama’s so ugly the priest said, I pronounce you man and wife…Uh, shake!

Yo mama’s so ugly your first words were, “Ma-ma you fuggin UGLY!”

Yo mama’s so ugly when she came to kiss you goodnight you asked the monsters under the bed, “Can I come sleep with you guys?”

Yo mama’s so ugly when you found out how babies are made you bought your daddy a white stick.

Yo mama’s so ugly she was diagnosed with excessive repulsive disorder.

Yo mama’s so fat when she gets 'roids she has to put preparation H on the arm of a chair and then back up to it

Yo mama’s so stupid she tried pot but she didn’t exhale.

By numbsain...His mama would be so proud, as she's smackin' him upside the head.

AWFULLY AWESOME FORTUNE COOKIES

 Isn't that just despicable? The day Chinese restaurants start advertising smut in fortune cookies is the day I stop looking online for smut advertisments. Fortune cookies are a tradition that dates back to when they first started making fortune cookies, and the wisdom found in these edible oracles has helped millions find the path to their true destinies. Well I suppose if it's your true destiny you can't exactly avoid it. But it's nice to have the reassurance along the way of a reliable, trusted authority...cookies. Especially ones that don't taste very good because you figure it's gotta have some purpose. Although that doesn't explain the little doily underneath dim sum that just gets all soggy and you can't tell if you're supposed to eat it or not until it's too late.

 I hope you enjoyed these fortunes because I had to eat a lot of bad Chinese food to get them. One place was called "Human Restaurant" but there was a typo on the sign so it said "Hunan." I guess it's easy to mess up the translations. but it didn't taste like human at all, it tasted more like chicken. So I tried to get my money back but they said, "yu dam foo, wai yu so dum, wee noh hav hyu man, yu mus goh nao!" which I assume means, "Sorry no refunds."

By Numbsain...hee sum dum gai.

TOP TEN LAST THINGS PEOPLE HEAR

"Say Henri, what force of nature should we taunt mercilessly today?"
"What say we go beg gravity to kill us?" "Okay sounds great!"

10. Suicide Hotline, can you hold please? [Please stay on the ledge for the next available operator…Ah, ah, ah, ah, stay-in’ a-live…Stay-in a-live…] Hi! Thank you for holding. My name is Jenny, can I get your full name and what method of suicide have you chosen today?

9. C’mon Jimmy, forget about that silly old insulin, you don't need that stuff...

8. I’m sure. Yes, positive. I swear I packed it right. I’ve done it a thousand times. Just go ahead. See you on the ground. Wait Bob! STOP! DID YOU REMEMBER TO STRAP THE DAMN THING TO YOUR BACK?

7. Okay just stay calm, and don’t show it any fear or it’ll rip your guts out faster than you can blink.

6. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED MCMURPHY! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND WE PROMISE WE WON’T SHOOT!…There he is! FIRE!

5. Mine field? What are you talking about there are no mine fields around he– (click).

4. Okay now listen carefully, Jameson, you can do this. I’m gonna talk you down and after this is all over you can tell everyone you landed a 757!

3. Don’t worry the worst that can happen is you get really sick. Takeshi, two more rounds of the blowfish!

2. Cut the red one, no green! No no no sorry it is the red wire…Wait did I say red? I meant green, yes cut the green wire, or was it…

1. Oh yeah, baby! You LOVE my big fat butt don’t you? Yeah you do, huh? Look at you all tied up like that! (Tee hee!) You want me sit right on your face, don’tcha. Yeah, I know. Well, here I go, all 300 pounds of me!!!


By Numbsain...Last he heard was he was going to be just fine...yeah right.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

Numbsain's Unwind has been steadily growing in popularity since I first started it back in August of 2011 and now I'm pleased to announce my blog is about to officially go ITCHY! (one of the stages before "viral," I believe "infectious" is next)

Yes, we're approaching 10,000 hits so keep visiting and if you are that lucky 10,000th visitor you'll win the grand prize! All the money this blog has earned since it started! Wow! I know what you're thinking: "that must be a lot, huh?" You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Tell all your friends, and your enemies too, I don't care. Just don't tell my ex!

As a tribute to nothing in particular here are some random things that some people might like, or hate.

 The contents of God's wallet      (like)

Running errands for your wife       (hate)

End of civilization as we know it       (Either way)

Optical illusions that hurt your eyes      (like)

Stupid autofagiac snakes       (hate)

Cockroach serving Mexican food and a horny blonde girl    (duh)

By Numbsain...He's easily amused, but he bathes...every week.

Funny Valentine

If you’re a man Valentine’s day is a time when the potential to piss someone off is especially high. You’re expected to be romantic and come up with a really nice gift but candy or flowers are unimaginative and won’t impress anyone, yet if you don’t buy them you’re gonna hear it for sure. This means you need to buy them and something else even more expensive too.

Not only that you'll be in big trouble if you don’t plan a romantic dinner and be really good in bed afterwards. By "good" we don’t mean having sex well because that probably won’t happen, unless you get the candy, flowers, something more expensive and romantic dinner part right which is almost impossible. But by good in bed we mean don’t try anything because then it will seem like you want something for all the money you spent. Yet she’ll be offended if you don’t try something in bed.

So basically you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. That’s why Valentine's day is the worst day of the year. Unless you work for See’s, Tiffany’s, a really expensive steak house or a florist shop. So since you’re gonna be fighting anyway you might as well have some fun and get a bag of these assorted, his and hers “Hate Hearts.”



By Numbsain...When it comes to romance he knows everything there is to know about fixing cars.

What Does Nature Mean?

Big Tits are natures way of saying, “Wow Look at these! Isn't life great?"


Aging is natures way of saying, “are you still here?”

Puberty is natures way of saying, “Uh dude, what’s, like, happening to you?

Dying is natures way of saying, “What? You think you’re gonna start feeling better?”

Impotence is natures way of saying, “Now can you stop playing with it for one minute?”

Dating is natures way of saying, “Wouldn’t it be a lot easier just to play with it for a minute?”

Orgasms are natures way of saying, “Doesn’t seem so important now does it?”

Physical exhaustion is natures way of saying, “Now will you stop killing yourself?”

Hunger is natures way of saying,  “Eat.”

Starvation is natures way of saying,  “What part of 'Eat' didn't you understand?”

Defeat is natures way of saying, “What did you think you were, God?”

Failure is natures way of saying, “Hey listen, it happens.”

Windfalls are natures way of saying, “See, I’m not so bad.”

Being ugly is natures way of saying, “at least you know you’re not just getting by on your looks.”

Being attractive is natures way of saying, “Wow look at you, should be a piece o’ cake now…(good luck with that.)”

Pain is natures way of saying, “Sorry, heh-heh.”

Being made to look like an idiot is natures way of saying, “I told you you were an idiot”

Virginity (for a teenage girl) is natures way of saying, ”Okay, so far so good”

Virginity (for a teenage boy) is natures way of saying, ”Wimp.”

Virginity (for a young woman) is natures way of saying, ”Wow! Are you okay? Ya sure?”

Virginity (for a young man) is natures way of saying, ”Dude, wtf?”

Virginity (for a middle aged woman) is natures way of saying, “I knew you weren’t okay, you ready to talk about it now?”

Virginity (for a middle aged man) is natures way of saying, “No comment…No, don’t even…I don’t wanna hear it.”

Virginity (for an older woman) is natures way of saying, ”Hey whatever…It’s your life.”

Virginity (for an older man) is natures way of saying, ”Okay, I’m outta here. You obviously don’t need me …Woulda been nice if you’d told me that in the first place, but who the hell am I. Later. (SLAM!)”


By Numbsain...natures way of saying, "oops."

Yo Mama's So Stupid she's at a loss for words

This has nothing to do with yo mama jokes but...
Damn that's the biggest yeti I ever saw!

This time yo mama's only one thing: STUPID as an Alka-seltzer umbrella.

Yo mama’s so stupid she couldn’t make scrambled eggs because she kept getting them mixed up.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks she has two vaginas but one went bad.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you were 14, and girl crazy, she hired a 16 y.o. girl to babysit you.

Yo mama’s so stupid she threw away your Magic Crystal Growing Kit cause she thought it was a meth lab.

Yo mama’s so stupid she found some white powder in your sock drawer and accused you of stealing sugar from the kitchen.

Yo mama’s so stupid you came home to find the dog on the couch with the remote watching "All My Puppies" and yo mama tied up in the back yard.

Yo mama’s so stupid she said if you don’t finish all your dessert you don’t get to do your homework.

Yo mama’s so stupid she made you boys wear hand me downs…from your big sister.

Yo mama’s so stupid she told you don’t kiss a boy on the first date…So you thought everything else was okay.

Yo mama’s so stupid she serves a continental breakfast for the roach motel.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she saw a charge on your daddy’s credit card for “escort service” she said, “What was wrong with the car, honey?”

Yo mama’s so stupid yo daddy brings her flowers on April Fools Day.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the bank asked for her maiden name she said Maiden Hong Kong.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you asked for Chinese food for dinner, she made Sick & Soggy Pork.

Yo mama's so stupid she believes in the Santa Bunny.

Yo mama's so stupid she's just now learning to say "mama."

Yo mama's so stupid when she gets a headache it's only cosmetic.

Yo mama’s so stupidly dyslexic she prays to the Dog every night.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she ran over a cat, she ran it over 8 more times so it wouldn’t suffer.

Yo mama’s so stupid you needed an excuse for being late with your homework so yo mama ate it.

Yo mama’s so stupid when the dog had puppies she got mad at yo daddy cause they looked like him.

Yo mama’s so stupid when you asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich she started looking for the recipe.

Yo mama’s so stupid that when yo daddy said he was bringing two Brazillian friends over for dinner she said “Oh my god, how many is a brazillion!”

Yo mama’s so stupid that when her therapist asked her “tell me about your mother.” She said, “Ask her your damn self this is my therapy!”

Yo mama's so stupid she bit her tongue, then asked for seconds. 

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her when was her last period she said, “Oh I’m not in school anymore, doctor.”

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her, “Have you had migraines?” she batted her eyelashes and said, “Are you inviting me over for breakfast, doctor?”

Yo mama’s so stupid when the doctor asked her, “Any hot flashes” she blushed and said, “Well, my top fell of in the pool once.”

Yo mama’s so stupid she makes Sarah Palin look sma-…No wait, that’s impossible. Nobody’s that stupid.



All original yo mama jokes by Numbsain, the worlds leading authority on maternal belittlement.

Unwind From Her Point of View

Dear Readers,

You may have noticed that most, if not all of my posts, are written from a decidedly male perspective. This is to be expected since I am a member of the unfairer sex. But I feel it would be a refreshing change if I were to write a typical Numbsain’s Unwind post from a female point of view, completely devoid of the usual maleness that is normally so evident in my writing. So it's time to turn on the estrogen and get totally into the female mindset, which I can do just as easily as flipping a switch. Here we go…


Top Ten Benefits of Having a Man with (tee hee) Two Penises! lol!

10. Well he’d have confidence, and a really good job, a job that a man with one penis could never have. (Tee hee)! Oh my! I can’t believe I’m writing this!

9. Mom, Daddy, I hope you are not reading this post…but if you are, forgive me please? (I wuv you guys! XOXOXOX)

8. Ooooh, I know. When one of his penises is, well, sleeping (tee hee,) and isn’t there for me, ready to satisfy my womanly urges. I can always have the other. Yay for me! LOL!...Oh, I’m so bad!

7. Penises are so nice, I like to have more than just one! (tee hee hee) Gosh this is so embarrassing!!!!!

6. Okay what else? Oh my gosh if my girlfriends back at Delta Beta Kappa saw this I would just DIE!

5. I don’t know, a penis is just a body part. If I really and truly love my man it wouldn’t matter what he had, well, down there, y’know? But a big one sure helps! LMAO!

4. Oh I’m just terrible! I never thought I would be writing pornography! Hahahaha hee hee! (Sigh!)

3. I would be so proud of my big strong man with two penises, because he’d be the one, my soulmate, forever (sigh).

2. and when he holds me in his powerful arms, and looks deep into my eyes, I would feel…happy…(sob) for the first time in my life…Oh, two penis man! I love you! OXOXOXOXOXOXOX!

1. And he’d love me too…But, not every night. C’mon honey, we just did that yesterday…No! The answer is No, not tonight…maybe next week if you buy me the shoes I was telling you about…then maybe I’ll, you know what…I can’t say it. No just one of them, mister! Hel-l-lo-o-o I’m up here. Those are my breasts they can’t talk. talk to me. Ugh will you put those away please? tsk! Your such a typical man.





By Numbsaina...Strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman.

Top Ten Benefits of Having a Girlfriend with Two Vaginas

What were you expecting an actual picture of the two vagina'd woman? Sorry you'll have to settle for this tasteful symbolic representation of two lovely rivers, The Squirter River and The Poontanga Rapids.

10. Economy: It’s like getting two for the price of one because there is a negligible increase in fuel consumption per a 100% increase in total vaginage.

9. Two vaginas together are happier because they can keep each other company.

8. If you invite a buddy over there’s plenty to go around.

7. Just like pigs who compete for food and get fatter when paired up, two vaginas would be in constant competition for your dick.

6. She can queef in harmony.

5. Less mouth to listen to than in any other situation in which there are two vaginas present.

4. One can be used as a convenient cup holder during sex.

3. Great Ice breaker at parties, conversation "pieces" at dinner. Or liven up any social event.

2. If one's in the shop for repairs you have a spare.

1. You can pimp her out for Doublemint gum commercials:
Dou-ble your pleas-sure,  Dou-ble your fun with Dou-ble-mint, Dou-ble-mint Dou-ble-mint cunt.

By Numbsain…He doesn’t even know what to do with one.

Fortune 500 Cookies

I found a new Chinese restaurant that has the good kind of fortune cookies. Only  problem is they're very stingy with them. I figured if I come in with a party of five i should get five fortune cookies at the end of the meal. So I came in and said the other four were on their way and we'd all like to start with dessert. They asked me what dessert we wanted and I said, "the free fortune cookies." I figured I'd just wait a little while and then say, "I guess they couldn't find parking so I'll go out and bring them their fortune cookies so they can get started. Suddenly two girls came out of the back and started pawing all over me. I said, "I'll give you exactly one hour to stop doing that!"

But they stopped after about thirty seconds so I left with my cookies. Then I realized they picked my pockets and took a hundred dollars. So I wet back the next day and held the place up at gun point. I told 'em, "put all the fortune cookies in this bag and nobody gets hurt!" So I got the cookies. But the next day they came to my house and ate all my fish and house plants, murdered my TV and had sex with my cat.  I didn't know what was gonna happen next so I opened a cookie and read the fortune. It said,

"Okay first slash all their tires then call the police and tell them about the opium business they have back there..."

I did and it turns out it was a 5-year-old kid that wrote me that note, and he writes the cookies too. So I asked him to be my apprentice and teach me everything he knows about comedy writing.

by Numbsain.. above and beyond to bring you the best!

Numbsain's Top Ten Stupid Tattoo Ideas

Why is this guy is smiling. Maybe to cover up the fact that he made a terrible mistake back in the 70's and has been regretting it ever since. "Whatsamatter Larry, they turn you down for that loan officer job again?"

So that's what's inside them. No wonder they can bleed for a week and not die.

The black bar was added because we're not allowed to show fish lips. This gives a whole new meaning to the term, "Goldang she got a fish tattooed on 'er vajay-jay!"

Since the invention of non-toxic subcutaneous inks humans have been permanently defacing their bodies for the purpose of beautifying themselves, displaying their individuality, or conveying a personal message to all who have the dubious honor of looking upon them. Since tattoos are nearly impossible to remove great care and foresight must be exercised in choosing the design and message, as well as the tattoo artist who will be rendering the work. A common mistake is assuming that one will be together with ones partner forever and having their portrait or name applied to one's body often resulting in spending the rest of ones life seeking partners with that particular name, or who are blind.

Other tattoo blunders seen all too often are misspellings which ensure the wearers blithering-idiot status for the rest of his/her life, or failure to provide for the possibility of finding oneself in a place in which having the words "Lick me where I shit" on ones forehead may not be appropriate, such as anywhere. In the tradition of the many morons who chose their life path at age 17 I've come up with some idiotic tattoo ideas of my own. Unfortunately decency prevents me for showing you examples of all of these ideas but the beauty of the written word is in it's allowing the reader to use his/her imagination.

10.
What: An image of an ass.
Where: on someones elbow. (or the reverse, an elbow inked on an ass)

9.
What: The words “GOODYEAR BLIMP”
Where: On an erect penis which when flaccid reads “GOD YER LIMP”

8.
What: the words “FEMALES ONLY”
Where: Written sideways on the lower abs of a homophobe. the letters are inside an arrow pointing down to his manhood. Everything is fine until he turns 30 and starts to get a beer gut which will overhang the first two letters making it read “MALES ONLY” Which he may not even realize at first, not that he can do anything about it when he does.

7.
What: the phrase, "Does this tat make my ass look fat?"
Where: On someones ass. As long as the answer is "no" the joke is funny to all, but the sporter of this tat must watch those corndogs from now on lest she wind up being the brunt of her own joke.
 

6.
What: A Picture of ones own face smiling.
Where: on the back of ones shaved head so when the wearer is too mad to be cordial they can just turn around and walk away without offending anyone.

5.
What: The Nose Pick-o-Meter. An incremented scale with tick marks indicating what one might expect to find in the nostrils at various depths. Red indicates when you've gone too far.
Where: on the index finger


4.
What: A photorealistic highly-detailed bloody gash in the belly of a pregnant woman with a fetuses hand sticking out.
When: During pregnancy after which it will look really stupid but it will have been worth it for those 3 or 4 months when she was “showing.”

3.
What:The words, “Tramp Stamp” in the usual location of a tramp stamp, just above a girls ass, a tongue-in-cheekism by itself but the full effect is had by adding on the front just above her coochie, the words, “Damp Ramp.” Other variations could include, "Vamp Cramp," "Damp Clamp," Or your choice of the many synonyms for the female genitalia.

2.
What: A milk carton such as this Momstits Farms brand.
Where: On the breast of a lactating woman such as this lovely young milkmaid who could provide sustenance for a small village with her ginormous tatas.

Black censoring dots were used to prevent this image from being sexually suggestive.

1.
What: The word: “CHEST.”
Where: On my mother.

By Numbsain...He cried when he got a henna tattoo.