The Jiblitz n’ Gravy Spanksgivin’ Special

J & G: Howdy Gastronauts

J: I’m Jiblitz!

G: and I’m Gravy!

J & G: And together we're Jiblitz n’ Gravy!

G: We’re here to ejumacate all you balls and curls out there in TV land how to whoop up a lip-spanking linger-flickin’ gastro-intestinal-icious Spanksgivin’ Fiest that’ll rock the hockers off yer soccer mom's knockers, and kick the liquor outcha crack daddy's knickers.

J: And it won’t cost a chiggers nipple neither!

G: ‘Ats right Jib’ cause we do it the way them pilgrims done did: cheek and eepanomical like. Ya see, the ‘grims didn’t have a whole heap a wallet wampum so they had to trim and trade like a shaved pimp in a Skrimp n' Save. But at the same time, show them Packachicklets a thing or two about gwer-may cookin.’

J: Yep it was all about one-uppin them Nippantuckets, and they ain’t had no Souix chefs so they raped the villages and pillaged the women like teenage termites on a scrotum pole. But after a hard days a work, they come back with a whole honky heapa o' helpins to make your eyes water and yer mouth pop right outta yer damnfool sprockets. Oo-oowhee!

G: So git out yer fryin’ pants and into the fire ‘cause we gonna have ourselves a FOOD‘N-NANNY!!!

J: HE-E-E-EHAW!! GOLLAMEE-JILLICKERS ‘SGONNA BE TASTIER’N a TON O’ HOG JACKETS IN FANNY PACKETS, I MEAN FLAP JACKER CRAP, SNAckle and pop goes the weasle...muffins...

G: Shuddup Jiblitz. Try ta keep yer exuberatin’ within the limits o’city ordinances. Now whatcha got for us there Jib’?

J: Well Gravy, norman-mailery Thanks-divvin’ ginner’s all about a big ol’ honkin’ gollywhomper of a turkey. But I’ll be rumpsnuggled if I can shell out the buckaneers for one them yardpeckers. So as a subs-ti-tooty ah got me one them there bearcats! But I'll wager mah twelve-gager ain’t nobody gonna know the damn differentiation any-hooters-the-size-a-warty-melons!

G: That's right ,good nuff fer the beginner, what counts is what's in 'er.

J: And she’ll look like a winner once we hog tie and skin’ er!

J & G: Meat; it’s what’s for dinner!

J: And what-cha-ma-gonna-ma stuff that mongoose with, Gravy?

G: Better question is: what aint we, Jib’. We gonna lard ‘er up with everything and its mother, includin’ the stitchin’ kink!

J: You mean the sinkin’ kitch?

G: Her too, madder ‘o fat that’s where we gonna git it! We gonna show y’all how to make jenny-you-whine chestgut stuffin’ out o’ scrapin’s from the garbage disposal.

J: That sounds plum-right, down-wind dees-gusting Gravy.

G: Oh countcha hair moan frere, its gonna be a delica-smellica-toe-yota celica-see and I’ll tell ya why...

J: Wise hat?

G: On a counter we make everything fresh as a day-she-was-born.

J: So let's do it without further adid, shall we? First we take a loaf a Uncle Pa’s Inn Bread an hack it to bits wit a chain saw massacre

[BR-R-R-O-O-OW-W-D-D-d-d]

G: Whoa! Easy with that thing turbinado. You better count yer fingers.

J: Hold on a minute... GRAVY! I got FIVE! Wait’ll Aunt Ma hears about this!

G: Nextly, we incarcerate this trash barrel full o’ mega-table veddely. We got keys and parrots, teets and burnips, sporn and kinitch, artabagas and rutachokes!

J: That’s a pro lotta ho-duce, Gravy.

G: I ain’t done, jumpy-the-gun. Zoo-cumbers and cuccinis, parsparagusnips, and last but not leeks, okra.

J: They wuz on Okra last week?

G: You kiddin'? Okra Wimpfry don't eat veggy tables, but she could eat you under the table! So first we shove em all down the disposal del gar-baggio which I have  transformulated with a bowl under the sink into the poor mans queezinart.

J: Well shuck my corn and stick mah jicama, that's a mighty clever trickama!

G: Now we has to infiltrate the amalgamation with real imitation chestnuts. Weakin’ o’ spitch, we need to introduce the saviour-y herbs: Parsley meet dill, mustard meet thyme. Tarragon, pepper...

J: The pleasures all mine.

G: Tumeric, cumin meet basil and salt, If the bay leaves with sage, its oregano’s fault! Great Humpin-Ja-blowz-a-fat! We almost forgot...The Mono-scrodium grew-ta-mate! Now all ya gotta do is shovel the whole smitten kaboodle right up that varmints pookie chute and...and...

J: Whut seems to be the bowelfunction Gravy?

G: Well I’ll be pickled stink and monkey whipped, Jiblitz. We plum fergot ta hollow ‘em out!

J: Oh well Gravy, we done plum run outta time.


J &G: WE’RE JIBLITZ N’ GRAVY! GOOD NIGHT, EAT RIGHT AND DON'T LET THE BREAD CRUMBS FIGHT!

G: And don't fergit to eat safely!

J: And eat dee-fensively.

Jiblitz N’ Gravy was brought to you by: Maalox and Queazy & Wretch Brand Stomach Pumps and Barf Bags.

Awesome Acronyms Quiz

 How well do you know your Acronyms? FYI most people who MSM a lot will ace this test PDQ and, BTW, being ADD doesn’t mean you can’t finish it ASAP. So before you start shouting OMG, try it. You may be a VIP! LOL!

SPCA stands for
a. Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
b. Society for the Promotion of Cruelty to Animals
c. Spanking Place for Caged Animals
d. Society for Pet Cruelty Appreciation

FCC stands for
a. Freshly Chopped Caterpillars
b. Federal Communications Commission
c. Federal Cupcake Commission
d. Free Cocaine Club

SUV stands for
a. Sexy Underwear Violation
b. Stuck Up Virgin
c. Sudden Urge Vehicle
d. Sport Utility Vehicle

WWF stands for
a. We Won, F*ckers! 
b. World War Five
c. Wet With Fear
d. World Wrestling Federation

VD stands for
a. Vaginal Discomfort
b. Verbal Diarrhea
c. Venereal Disease
d. Vinegarette Dressing

STD stands for
a. Stinky Thong Disease
b. Sex Toy Deposits
c. Sexually Transmissible Disease
d. Safe Tongue Depth 

WYSIWYG stands for
a. Well You Started It, What’s Your Gripe?
b. While You Sing I’ll Whack Your Gonads
c. What You See Is What You Get
d. Why’d You Stop? It Was Yellow, Go!

VIP means
a. Vain Insignificant Person
b. Vomit In Public
c. Viewing Is Prohibited
d. Very Important Person

TKO stands for
a. Temporarily Killed Opponent
b. Testicles Kicked Off
c. Technical Knock-Out
d. They Keeled Over

ASAP stands for
a. Ask Some Asian Person
b. As Soon As Possible
c. After Somebody Asks Politely
d. Add Salt And Pepper

AKA stands for
a. Also Known As
b. And, Kinda, Actually
c. Alternate Kinky Appellation
d. Angry Kitchen Appliances

NFL stands for
a. Not For Ladies
b. National Football League
c. Naturally Full Lashes
d. Not Funny, Larry!

ATM stands for
a. Any Time Money
b. Automated Teller Machine
c. Actually, That’s Mine
d. Act Totally Mellow

BBC stands for
a. Bubble Butt Club
b. Bloody British are Crazy
c. Big Bang Conspiracy
d. British Broadcasting Company

UCLA stands for
a. United Coalition of Lard Asses
b. Used Condoms Lying Around
c. University of California, Los Angeles
d. Uppity College of Los Angeles

ESP stands for
a. Ever Since Puberty
b. Erect Swollen Penis
c. Extreme Super Powers
d. Extra Sensory Perception

BYOB stands for
a. Braid Your Own Butt-hair
b. Baby Yelling On Board
c. Bite Your Ostrich’s Beak
d. Bring Your Own Booze

MILF stands for
a. Mommy’s Ignorant Little Fool
b. Mother I’d Like to F*ck
c. Moron In Left Field
d. Man, I Love Food!

WTF stands for
a. Where’s The Fish?
b. Wait Till Friday
c. Wash That Finger!
d. What The F*ck?

SASE stands for
a. Something A**holes Send Easily
b. Self Addressed Stamped Envelope
c. Speak And Spell Expert
d. Strings Attached, Seek Escape!

FYI stands for
a. F*ck You Idiot!
b. Face Your Ignorance
c. For Your Information
d. Fifi! You Imbecile!

LOL stands for
a. Lordy Oh Lordy!
b. Laughing Out Loud
c. Leaking Oily Liquid
d. Lots Of Luck

PMS stands for
a. Pack My Suitcase
b. Pre-Menstrual Syndrome
c. Pain, Misery, Suffering
d. Please My Self

FUBAR stands for
a. Food Under the Bed Attracts Rats
b. Felt Up By A Robot
c. F*cked Up Beyond All Recognition
d. Fat and Ugly But an Awesome Rack

TLC stands for
a. Tender Loving Care
b. Total Loss of Control
c. Talk Like Caveman
d. Tastes Like Chicken

SOS stands for
a. Sell Our Stuff
b. Sink Or Swim
c. Save Our Ship
d. Sharks Ogling Survivors

OMG stands for
a. Ow! My Gonads
b. Out of My Gourd
c. Ooh! Man! Gee!
d. Oh My God

PDQ stands for
a. Pretty Darn Quick
b. Pigs Don’t Quack
c. Prisoners Dig Quietly
d. Powerful Deadly Queef

MSG stands for
a. Makes Sh*t Good
b. Magic Saliva Generator
c. Mono-Sodium Glutamate
d. Maximum Sized Glutes

CPR stands for
a. Code Purple! Run!
b. Cardio-Pulmonery Resuscitation
c. Count, Punch, Repeat
d. Choking Panic Response

CIA stands for
a. Central Ignorance Agency
b. Cops In Action
c. Center for Illegal Activities
d. Central Intelligence Agency

ETA stand for
a. Exact Time to Airport
b. Eager To Anxious
c. Estimated Time of Arrival
d. Ever Take an Airplane?

RBI stands for
a. Real Baseball Initials
b. Runner’s Balls Itch
c. Really Boring Information
d. Runs Batted In

BMW stands for
a. Blow My Wad
b. Big Money Waste
c. Bought My Wife
d. British Motor Works

HTML stands for
a. Hot Tamales & Meat Loaf
b. Hog Tied Monkey Love
c. Hard to Type Machine Lingo
d. HyperText Markup Language

DUI stands for
a. Drunk U Is!
b. Driving Utterly Inebriated
c. Drinkin’…Um…I dunno! Hahaha, whuzzit stands for Awsiffer?
d. Driving Under the Influence
e. Of WHUT? Hahahaha-hee-hee I’m all “of whut?” Hee-hee…Izzso funny hahaha! Hey leggo my arm!

Now simply check your answers to see how well you did. The correct answer is next to the right letter.
I know what you’re thinking “WTF? This is BS! Numbsain’s an SOB!” Which of course means:
Wow That’s Fun! This was Better than Sex! Numbsain’s a Smart Old Bloke!

Toy Store Employee Training Guide: Theft Prevention Procedure

You spot a 5 year old stuffing his pockets with Sponge Bob Erasers® valued at 59¢ per unit (manufacturers suggested retail price). The accomplice, the child's mother, supposedly unaware of the crime in progress struggles with a Rubik's Cube® 3 aisles over. What do you do?

1. DO NOT approach the suspect directly! This could appear threatening and cause the suspect to throw down the merchandise, possibly damaging it. Remember: the safety of the store and it's merchandise come first.

2. DO NOT approach the parent as they will never admit that their child has committed a crime. Parents are usually defensive and any confrontation can lead to a law suit if not a physical altercation.

3. DO NOT make announcements over the PA such as: "Code 7 aisle 5." Most career criminals or professional shoplifters pick up on this type of thing immediately and it could cause them to panic.

4. Clear as many customers out of the store as possible. Then secure the perimeter by stationing an employee at both ends of the aisle, just out of view.

5. Make one attempt to guide the perpetrator to the proper action by staging the following conversation within earshot:
"Hey George did you inventory those Sponge Bob Erasers?"
"Sure did, Steve. I know exactly how many we have in stock. Have we sold any yet?"
"Nope, not a one. Well, you're not doing anything, why don't you go count them again."
"Sure Steve, I will in exactly one minute after I finish up here."

Now the suspect knows he has one minute to put back all the stolen merchandise, but he may think he can run out of the store before you finish counting them.
So you add the following dialogue:

"Oh and George, they're doing some dangerous electrical work right outside the door so don't let any customers leave for the next five minutes."
"You got it Steve. That'll give me just enough time to count those erasers and then I'll let the folks out. IF the Sponge Bob Erasers are all still there, of course."

This procedure should solve the problem. If not you must proceed to step 6.

6. The suspect has shown himself to be irrational and desperate. The stolen items would more than likely be fenced and resold on the black market or worse, to a competitor. At this point you must subdue and incapacitate the suspect. But first the mother/accomplice must be dealt with.

7. Approach her and tell her she's won a sweepstakes, and in order to claim her prize, she must give an interview. Lure her into the back room with a stack of My First Wad® play money. Once in the back room, use chloroform to render the accomplice unconscious. Now, quietly escort all customers out the door and seal all exits and entrances.

8. Employees must don Batman Bat Gas Masks® before proceeding. As four employees close in on the suspect, Riot Control Barbie Nerve Gas® is released into the ventilation system so that he should already be feeling woozy. As his coordination falters he may reach for his weapon and attempt to discharge it. Quickly bombard the now armed felon from all sides with Nerf Darts® and ensnare him in a webbing of Spiderman Silly String®.

9. Recovery of the merchandise is first and foremost. As the felon becomes engulfed in the polymer-elastomeric product he will be both disoriented and immobilized enough to move in and separate him from the merchandise which should be handled with the utmost care to minimize damage.

10. Once the merchandise is safe, the felon can be destroyed with several rounds from a X-treme Assassin Pistol® fired at point blank range. Execute the same procedure for the accomplice who is harmlessly unconscious in the back room. The bodies should be disassembled with a Junior-the-Ripper Bone Saw®, or the Johnny Cadaver Autopsy Play Set®, carefullly wrapped and sealed in bubble-pack, boxed in cardboard shipping cartons, and disposed of in the dumpster behind the store.

Congratulations! you've just successfully averted a theft in progress and saved your employer potentially tens of dollars. Keep this document posted on the premises at all times and require employees to review it regularly.

These theft aversion procedures have been approved by the NSA, the NRA and are in compliance with the California State Penal Code and the California State Law Enforcement Act.

by Numbsain...He's been on both sides of the law, and he's still deciding.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...Without Laughing

 It's never easy telling someone it's over. The betrayal, the heartbreak, the alimoney. It's one of the worst feelings in life. Why then, you may ask, is it the subject of a humor blog? Read these break up letters and you'll see.

Dear Carlos,
I wanted to tell you this in person but I couldn’t bare it. You know I love you and I wanted more than anything to be Mrs. Carlos Diaz. But I could not have lived with the embarrassment of being your wife. It’s not you. I love you and I love the whole Diaz family and there’s nothing wrong with you or even your name. Diaz is a beautiful, noble name and any girl would be proud to have it. Except me. You understand why don’t you. It’s nothing wrong with me or my name either it’s just when you put the two together that it’s a problem. It would just be too embarrassing. I couldn’t go through life like that. Please try to forgive me. I’m so sorry Carlos please tell Mr. and Mrs. Diaz senior I never meant to hurt you or anyone in the Diaz family. Farewell.

Love, Doomian

P.S. Don't try to hook up with my sister, Scroomian either.

ˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆ

My Dearest Louie & Rickie,

These past few months have been the most wonderful of my life!!! You both make me feel so loved!!!! I never knew life could be so great with conjoined twins!!!!! It’s just so exciting!!!!!!#!.·¨ˆ’·.\· //.·..\.·.i¡·./_.··… . .  .   .    . Darn it@ I just broke my exclamation mark key&&& DAMN### Anyway, I think you two are a perfect 10% And the fact that you’re rich means nothing to me??? I love you for who you are$$$ (Look, just assume there are a lot of exclamation marks after every sentence) I know it’s not easy being conjoined at the back but look at the bright side, at least you’re both oriented the same way. I admit all the attention is a bit much but you do have your shit together so I get a little time to myself. 

Which brings me to my point. I know you two feel you need to get in touch with your roots and move back to Siam. I would go with you in a heartbeat but I’m just not happy living someplace where I'm a foreigner and in Siam I am. So I feel the three of us should separate, well not you two obviously, but, well, you know what I mean.

Love, Linda

ˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆˆ

Dear Brucie,

Darling, I have something to tell you, and it will come as a shock. We’ve been dating on the internet for 3 months now and I know you’ve fallen deeply in love with me. With my big blue eyes and long blonde hair. I know you're ready to take it to the next level and meet me in person because you can’t wait to hold my petite little body in your arms and touch my perky 22-year-old breasts and squeeze my tight firm tush just like we talk about all the time. Tee hee! Baby, I want you to do that to me too! And I’d love to finally meet, but there’s just one teensy weensy problem, honey buns. You see, I’m a 300 lb, 53-year-old man named Kevin. I'm really sorry pooky!

Do you think maybe we could just continue as we’ve been with me sending you naked pictures of my daughter?  I know what you’re thinking: why can’t you just meet my daughter, right? Well you wouldn’t like her. For some reason she’s really messed up in the head. Sorry, my darling

Love, Trixie, er I mean Kevin XOXOXO

Numbsain’s Eyewitless Newsflinch

CRACK HOUSE GETS A NEW A-HOLE

Wow that stuff really is addictive

Another crack house was raided in East Slappaho, yesterday but neighbors felt police used excessive force when a Kabuterimon missile was launched into the front of the structure leaving a hole large enough for all 30 occupants to escape before the dust cleared. No arrests were made but Chief of Police Pat Troll-Carr told reporters, “That’s okay cause we’ll be smoking crack for days!” Graffiti artists were quickly on the scene to beautify the destruction with tagging.

MARABUNTA ANTS EAT WORLDS LARGEST PICNIC

"Pass the potato salad...NO! WAIT! AAARGH!"

The Ninth Annual Yogi Bear Memorial Picnic this weekend unveiled the worlds largest picnic basket. Cartoon legend and cub star, Boo-Boo was among the VIPs on hand and told reporters, “Yogi would be schmutzing his butt fur if he were alive today! That is one momma-bear of a pic-a-nic basket!” The event ended in mayhem when a swarm of deadly Marabunta ants arrived and devoured the contents of the basket and all the guests.

CREATIVE ARCHITECT HAS HEAD UP ASS

Wo-o-o-ow, so innovative...glad I don't live there

A new condo development in Clobbergrove Widths, Montuna has residents questioning the sanity of the designer Jean-Bubba Fauxlieu, the latest talent out of THEE architectural school in Nice, France. Fucked-Up Heights features luxury apartments with an artistic slant putting style above functionality for a truly unpleasant living experience. The property owner is renting the apartments at a discount rate to make up for the inconvenience of having floors at a 45 degree angle. Tenants who felt it would be prestigious are having second thoughts after signing the one year lease, and are demanding their money back. Yet they’re remaining in the units because they can’t get to their front doors.

CAT ON CRACK

"Dum de dum...Damn!"

Steve Jacobson, a four year old grey tabby, from Dander Springs, Mushagain, inflicted severe spinal injury on his eight year old mother when he unwittingly stepped on a crack in the sidewalk. Immediately realizing what he had done, Jacobson, Meowsmodel and Covercat for Purina called paravetics who rushed Mrs. Jacobson, mother of 47, to a nearby pet hospital. Mrs. Jacobson is in critical condition at Senior Cyanide Euthanasia Clinic where veterinary doctors say her chances of making a complete recovery and, with physical therapy, being back at home with her family leading a perfectly normal, happy, eight more lives very soon, are virtually nil.

SPORTSDUMP

In badminton the Minichuria Midgets humiliated the St. Daphnesburg Dafodyls, 47 to 3, while in the Eastern Conference finals the New Crotchland Artichokes trampled the Bitchmouth Headpushers with an 8-1 victory.

On the Pro Fucking field today the West Rubberford Rugburns skewered the Clamidia Clams 14 to 0, and the Hamsterford Gerbils bumped uglies with the Guruvian Gnu-Herders in a tie game after 473 innings and 474 outings.

In the Womens Open Chest Tournament, Titianna Bustanutovia bounced back for a 30 to 10 win over Stenchka Rottentunavich who suffered a nipple injury in the second set.

And in Men’s Sewage Wrestling, Dammett Pismioff opened up a can on Grünt Asplündt who lost decisively for Scandalnavia. In Nude Tennis at Shriveldon, Poki Kuchakuchi eked out a 8 to 7 victory over Teehee Myarmstickle. And finally Teinie Van Der Heinie of the Nether-Netherlands took on Schlong Schvantzschlepper in a badly mismatched three sets of pathetic whimpering.

Other Scores:
Meerkats…...12
Tortugas ……...10
Morlocks…….8
Eloi …………......0
Bedwetters…3
Wetspotters ….1
Cuddlers……10
Snugglers…...…4


LOCAL WEATHER

Uh, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

Forecast calls for low methane and carbon monoxide clouds in the early morning with 400 mph winds later in the afternoon and 14 inches of sulphuric acid rain over the weekend with temperatures up to 850 degrees F…Oops, sorry, that was the weather forecast for Venus.

Ah, here we go...

A dihydrogen monoxide storm near the coast is threatening to moisten wildlife and make road conditions hazardous for people who can’t drive. The CHP has issued a warning to the blind not to cross the street. Meteorologists are expecting as much as an inch and a half of dihydrogen monoxide (H20), to fall by the end of the week.

We’ll have tonight’s top stories for you next week after they’ve been censored and distorted by our corporate sponsers. From most of us at Eyewitless Newsflinch: go buy and have a safe deposit.

Security Password This, Futher Mucker!

As we wander mindlessly through our daily lives, oblivious to the mortal perils that eagerly wait to befall us, we are often reminded how important our petty little concerns are. And nothing tells us we are the center of the universe more than personal security passwords. Special codes to keep hostile forces from stealing our precious intellectual property and prevent our invaluable personal data from falling into the wrong hands.

My advances toward my girlfriend were rejected last night because my user name and password didn't match. I was redeemed when we realized I had "remember me" clicked and it had been unclicked by an alternate user. But I still had to wait for an email with my new password before I could access her “inbox” if you know what I mean.

My laptop makes me verify my identity before it will give me administrative privileges. I guess that's so when underprivileged children break into my house to steal my emails they'll have to settle for the price of a laptop on the black market. At least they didn't abscond with my notification of a certified bank draft from Mrs. Julian Roy who hopes her email finds me in perfect health. And quite frankly if someone goes to all the trouble to steal my car radio, I want them to be able to use it rather than have it create more non-biodegradable waste.

Security passwords on PCs are as ludicrous as a terrorist president warning us about the threat of terrorism, but some things just go too far.

I was on the freeway the other day and I get a call. The phone is at the bottom of my pocket, under my cash, my cigarettes, my nicorette gum, a bogus citation for indecent exposure, of all things... and my underwear. By the time I get the damn thing out, it's gone to voicemail. So I open the phone, press star 86 and hold it to my ear. meanwhile I've inadvertantly changed two lanes and made a little clearing in traffic which is nice because the flashing highbeams and fingers are just out of my viewing range. But before I can hear the message, that voice comes on:

"Welcome to the Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System! Please wait while we access your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System Messages. Thank you for accessing your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System! Did you know that you can pay your bill directly from your cellphone at anytime?; 1:00 am, 2:00 am, 3:00 am..."

At this point I had fallen asleep but I was awakened by honking just as she was saying: ..."even at 12:00 pm! That's the speed and convenience of using the Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System. Please enter your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System security password to access your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System Security protected messages, safe from theft, tampering or terrorists, now! BEEEP!" 

I sit there for a few seconds wondering how the terrorists get my phone out of my pocket so easily? I pry the phone off my ear to look at the keypad which has long since gone dark. As my eyes are trying to adjust I take a guess at where the numbers are and start poking away, put it back up to my ear and hear:

"You've pressed an incorrect key, I'm sorry your having trouble, Please hang up and try your call again later when you can take the time to properly access your instant message retrieval system by pressing the correct key, not the one you pressed which was incorrect. goodbye!"

I'm so pissed, I'm thinking: this isn't the right freeway, I was heading south! Then she says "Are you still there?" Okay now I'm beside myself. I'm just about to give her a piece of my mind when she says: "Are you sure you're all there?"...

AM I STILL THERE?!" NO! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM, THANKS TO YOU! BETTER QUESTION IS: WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE??!! THIS IS MY PHONE, BITCH!!!

Yo momma jokes...so stupid even yo momma wouldn't tell them

Now I know a lot of people been talkin' 'bout yo momma 'cause you look mad as a shaved grizzly bear. So next time some fool has the nerve endings to get all up in your nostrils about some scram that don't have nothin' to do with nobody's momma, but they see fit to bring your dear sweet beloved momma, of all people, into it anyway, which of course gives you a cart full o' blanched almonds to put a fresh creamery grade A, pasteurized, homogenized vitamin D hurtin' on their sorry tushy cakes, then you just whip out a handful o' these hush-little-puppies-don't-say-a-word and momma's gonna buy you a lot more than a mockinbird! In fact...

Yo momma’s so ugly Freddy Kruger had nightmares about her.


Yo momma’s so fat she went to a plus-sizes clothing store and they sent her to the times-sizes clothing store.


Yo momma’s so fat when they brought the dessert tray she said, “I’ll have that.”


Yo momma’s so stupid that on your first day of kindergarden she asked you to bring her back some fresh vegetables.


Yo mommas’s so stupid she stayed at a stop sign for three hours waiting for it to turn green.


Yo momma’s so ugly she ran into Jack the Ripper late one night and he drove her home…and then never called.

Yo Momma’s so old that when you watched the Flintstones she would go off about how when Wilma got preggers with pebbles she blew up like a pigasaurus and that was when Fred started coming around yo momma’s cave.

Yo momma’s so stupid she had a yard sale with all the food in her refrigerator that reached the sell-by date.

Yo momma’s so stupid we found her staring at a can of frozen orange juice. We asked her why and she said, “Shhh! Look it say’s right here: ‘made from concentrate,’ now don’t distract me.“

Yo momma’s so stupid she tried to make Jello by leaving Kool-Aid out in the sun to dry.

Yo momma’s so fat that she had been seeing somebody on the side throughout her entire marriage and your daddy never noticed him there.

Yo momma’s so fat she can do cartwheels with her arms folded

Yo momma’s so fat that when she takes a shower she walks forward till the light turns red, then when the light turns green she walks out slowly.

Yo momma’s so OCD that when she met your daddy she picked a daisy and said, “He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me…

Yo momma’s so OCD that when she has to pick something she says, “eeny, eeny, eeny, eeny, eeny…

Yo momma’s so stupid that when you called her from Los Angeles she told all her friends “My boy found Lost Angeles!”

Yo momma’s so clueless as to the ways of child rearing that when you were born she went to the store for some Purina Baby Chow.

Yo momma’s so stupid when you were born she swore there was another one in there because somebody knocked your teeth out.

Yo momma’s so unsophisticated, like a dumb animal, that you feed her Purina Momma Chow.

Yo momma’s so stupid when you were a kid she yelled at you for chewing with your mouth full.

Yo momma’s so stupid she used a pre-moist towelette to wipe off her spare ribs so the sauce didn’t get all over her fingers.

Yo momma’s so messed up in the head when she tried out for the Olympics they tested her for strength, endurance, and speed. She passed them all except for speed, they found some in her system.

Yo momma’s so stupid she heard a crazy man talking to himself on the bus and she thought she had ESP.

Yo momma’s so unclear on the concept that she went to an twelve step meeting cause she couldn’t eat just one potato chip


Yo momma’s so fat that she admitted she was seeing someone on the side but we pointed out that it was just her ass.

Yo momma’s so stupid we saw her staring at a bowl of soup going, “htsubnle sqnemrhuz bdipklanhg,” so we asked her what she was doing and she said it was alphabet soup and she was learning to read.


Yo momma’s so fat that the gynocologist looked at her and said, “Damn that’s a huge vagina! Damn that’s a huge vagina! Damn that’s a huge vagina!” She said, Why’d you have to say it three times?” he said, “I didn’t.”

Yo momma’s so stupid when the bartender asked if she wanted her drink 'over' she said no, she hadn’t even had any of it yet.


Yo momma takes everything so literally that when someone asked her, “What’s up?” she said, “The opposite of down, stupid!”


 Yo momma’s such a bad waitress when a customer asked her how the lamb was prepared she said they just told him  everything was gonna be all right and then whacked him.


Yo momma’s so fat that when she went swimming in the ocean a group of conservationists watched her and said she was so beautiful.



Yo momma’s such a bad waitress when a customer asked if the burgers were rare she said, “No we sell a lot of them.”



Yo momma’s so stupid that when she tried to do the hokey pokey she put her left foot in and shook her right foot all about, then she turned her left foot around and put her back out and finally we just had to tell her, “Momma! That ain’t what it’s all about!”



Yo momma’s so fat that you need a GPS to get on her good side.


Yo momma’s so fat that when your daddy said, “back that ass up!” she went, beep…beep…beep…


Yo momma’s so fat and mean that when she throws a pot luck you’ll be lucky if you don’t get thrown in the pot.


Yo Momma’s so sensitive about being the size of 3 hos that she thought the Jolly Green Giant was making fun of her.


Yo momma’s so fat that when you were born they found your daddy in there too.


Yo momma’s so fat she ordered baked alaska and complained it looked bigger on the map.


Yo momma’s such a skanky ho her pimp had a clearance sale: “This ho must go!”


Yo momma’s so mean she took you to the blood bank and said “take it all!”


Yo Momma’s so fat she had Kentucky’s fried chicken for dinner. And tomorrow night she’ll have Tennessee’s fried chicken.


Yo momma’s so fat we suggested the Dick Gregory diet but she said there wasn’t enough meat on him to satisfy her.


Yo momma’s so uncoordinated that when she did the hokey pokey she put her left foot in and fell over.


Yo momma’s such an unfit mother she gave you Jello in your baby bottle.


Yo momma’s so stupid she drinks her martini in a sippy cup.


Yo momma’s so stupid when you told her to make a U-turn she asked, “your U or my U?”


Yo momma’s so mean she dressed you up as a KKK and took you to Watts for trick or treat.


And if that fool is still comin at you, talkin' all kinda smack actin' like he's got some kinda verbal abuse to lay on you, and he still wants to cast aspersions on the woman that saw fit to bring you kickin' and screamin' like some kinda newborn fool, into this world, then you're just gonna have to pull out all the stops and escalate matters to the point where you say...

Yo Momma’s so viciously cruel, on halloween she dressed you up as a crack ho and made you turn tricks for treats.

And then all I can say is you better run like hell cause if anybody said that about my momma? To my face? In my town? Fer reals?... Uh-uh...Oh no...I'm sorry...That's it...Naw-naw...you shoulda never gone there...No, no, no...See we gonna settle this up right now, Come on monkey-humper! Bring it on Mr. talkin' mouth! Show me what you got ya big fat pucker-funker-sucker-humper! Ain't nobody gonna talk about my momma like that! @#%&!*@% (Ow!) #@$%! (Hey, leggo my shirt) #$!@#&*$%# (OW!) #$#& (I SAID OW!) $%#&@ (Why you...) #$%@%&!

By numbsain...don't even go there.

Numbsain's Horrorscope

Ass-trologer, Psychotic, Palm-Reader/Shaver, Misfortune Teller, Channeler of Spirits (mostly vodka),  and Flying Sorcerer, Numbsain offers his interpretation of the planetary positioning to guide you through your life.

CAPRICORN—You have a certain animal magnetism which is why you have fleas and a tendency to stick to the refrigerator. You will get the runs later in the week at a most inopportune moment soiling a relationship, and your undershorts.

AQUARIUS—Great things are in store for you right now but you can’t afford them. Don’t attempt to shoplift either, you’re way too conspicuous with that “I’m not doing anything wrong” look on your face.

PISCES—Beware of peril lurking in the shadows. Watch your back at all times. Don’t trust anyone. Not that you’re in any particular danger, I just thought it would be really funny to make you get all paranoid.

ARIES—Your instincts are not particularly reliable this week and since experience and wisdom are obviously not an option for you, I suggest you don’t cross the street or try to use scissors. Decision making should be limited to "no."

TAURUS—People matter the most right now. So since your barely human don’t expect much attention. Legal matters complicate your lifestyle and take up much of your time. Like thirty to life.

GEMINI—The wheels have already been set in motion to cause the events that decide your fate. There’s really nothing you can do about anything now. You should have thought of this last week. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?

CANCER—Being stupid is not the end of the world. Being ugly is nobodies fault. Being insensitive to others is forgivable. But all three? And so much? Come on, what are you thinking?

LEO—You’re a mover and a shaker this week, Leo! You really have it going on, and it shows! Just look at you! You’re on top of the world! In the zone! Go, go, go!
...Oooh! Jeezus, you still have to watch out for speeding buses, you idiot.

VIRGO—You have a big impact on your family this weekend when you crash your caterpillar through the dining room wall right in the middle of dinner. They would have waited for you but they didn’t want to listen to all your sniveling and complaining.

LIBRA—You've been making good decisions resulting in a very prosperous time ahead. Wait, sorry that was the fortune I got from the psychic cat yesterday. It's so cute when he hands you the little piece of paper! How does he choose the right one? ...What am I asking you for?

SCORPIO—Believe it or not, things look pretty good for you right now according to the stars. Yeah you’re in good shape...oops! I had the chart upside down! Silly me! Let’s see...actually, you’re screwed. Disaster awaits you, Sorry.

SAGITTARIUS—The stars say you're in for some romance but take it slow and don’t rush into things. The stars are notorious for lying and mercury in retrograde means STDs. But that’s to be expected when you get romantic with a chimpanzee.

Note: These astrology readings are good through November 22nd at all participating galaxies. You must be over 18 and a citizen of the Milky Way. Offer void (of course) where prohibited.

By Numbsain...His rising sign makes a tent in his pants.

Brought to you by...
Dr. Numbsain's Extra Virgin Snake Oil...Cures everything but stupidity.

The Fundamental Laws that Govern Yo Ass

The Law of Stupid Laws
If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it won’t. So you’re still stuck with Murphy’s Law.

The 1st Law of Exxon
What goes up must come down, except gas prices.

The Law of Visa
for every action there is an equal and opposite charge on your account.

The 1st Law of Indigestion
What goes around gives you diarrhea.

The Law of Resentment
No good deed goes un-guilt-tripped.

The Law of Kleptomania
Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest tend to be stolen.

The 2nd Law of Futility
When an irrepressible force meets an irresistible object, somebody ends up crying.

The 3rd Law of Desert Physics
The relationship between an object's mass (m), its acceleration (a), and the applied force (F) is only legal in the state of Nevada.

The 2nd Law of Thermo-Finance
Energy can be changed from one form to another, but it will take up to 3 to 5 business days.
The Law of Inbreeding
Nothing can be the cause of its own existence, except in Tenessee where a man can be his own father.

The Law of Junk Food
E=McNuggets.

The Law of Shopping
You can’t get something for nothing, but at Ross’s weekend blowout sale, you can get name brands for next to nothing, this weekend only…at Ross!

The Law of Averages
50% of the people in the world are below average in intelligence.

The Law of Heresay
I think therefor I am not dead.

The Law of Masculinity (or lack thereof)
Size doesn’t matter, unless you’re talking about a guy with a really small penis because that poor bastard will never satisfy a women.

by Prof. Numbsain PhD, LsD, Xtc, pCp, NO2, THc

Bachelor with Benefits

I’m a single guy in my mid to early-late mids or so, around there, and I’ve been happy as an illegible bachelor for the past, oh, it’s gotta be at least going on, pretty close to somewhere around there, give or take. So I’ve kinda developed a relationship with myself and it seems I’m compatible. With my work schedule I’m not around enough to get on my nerves plus I’m really laid back, never been one to cause drama, not that I would react to it even if I did. No, I let that kind of stuff slide off and don’t take it personally.

It’s not like there’s a whole lot of romance in the relationship. I mean I think I’m reasonably attractive and I have to admit there’s some sexual tension there. Like if I’m getting out of the shower and I happen to walk by a mirror I might smile and linger a little longer than normal. It’s kind of hot, and I dig it. Well sure I find it flattering, who wouldn't?

Or I might catch a whiff of my cologne, and combined with my natural manly scent, it’s rather intoxicating, I have to say. And I do say sometimes, haha! Sure I’ll mention what a stud I am, and the effect I’m having on me. I feel comfortable enough around me that I can say that and not worry about getting all weird about it later.

I’ve never been shy about my body and I often walk around the house shirtless, or in my boxers. Come on, I’m an adult here. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. And sure, with that much openness stuff happens and I might end up, I don’t know…experimenting maybe. It’s not like I’m all into the same-person-sex thing but I’m secure enough in my masculinity that I’m not uptight about it.

As long as I’m consenting there’s nothing wrong with it. Not like I’m twisting my arm or anything…no definitely not, heh-heh. With a guy like me I don’t have to. I’ll never turn down sex with someone who I feel comfortable with, someone I can trust. And I like to please so trust me, I’m satisfied, in fact I’m gettin’ it pretty good.

Well at least I was, until recently. Ever since I've been an item things have gone good for me, maybe a little too good and I guess I had a little twinge of fear; fear of commitment; fear of intimacy maybe. I felt like I might be taking it to the next level, maybe falling in love, (dare I say the ‘L’ word?) so I pulled away and tainted the pot, so to speak. I started seeing someone else. I thought my relationship could handle it and I almost thought it might be a good thing—bring me closer together…

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t doing it behind my back. Oh no, I was totally thinking a twosome. I wouldn’t leave me out. No, that would be impossible, I couldn’t have a relationship without me being involved in some way. I just thought it would be fun to bring an outside party into my little love-nest—spice things up a bit. But it’s kind of had the opposite effect. I seem to be paying all my attention to her and neglecting myself. I hardly spend any quality time with my "significant only" anymore and I’m started to feel…I don’t know, not alone, but like a second wheel.

I’m not a jealous person but when I see us together I get kind of angry. I mean what right does she have to come into a perfectly happy situation and just throw everything off kilter. She doesn’t know my history or how much I mean to me. She’s just a little man-wrecker is what she is.

But this little menage au duex does have its advantages. For one thing it’s given me a chance to see myself through my eyes, and to see me interacting with someone who isn’t me. But really, when it comes down to it, I’m the one I want to come home to at night. I’m the one whose arms I want to have. I want to cry on my shoulder when I’m sad. I want to be the one I come to when the whole world seems to be crowding in on me and I just need someone to be me.

I really am fulfilled by this relationship. It just feels right. I may even be my soul mate. And gosh darn it I miss those quiet evenings when I'd come home; greet myself in the mirror; kick off my shoes; settle in; maybe put on some nice jazz—Sarah Vaughan singing “Alone Together.” Mmm, that’s my song. It’s the song that was playing the very first time I heard it. Now when I hear it I’m instantly in the mood. I’ll slip into something more comfortable, and just cuddle by the fire.

At that point I am usually so turned on, I’m like putty in my hands. I’m all green lights and I usually pick up on that immediately. I like to start out slow and sensual, feeling my hand touching me. And no one knows how I like to be touched like I do. Because I’ve taken the time to study myself and gain a rapport that you don’t see in most people. It’s really a beautiful thing. It’s like I’m thinking, feeling, acting as one person. Like the lines that define me become blurred and it’s no longer me loving me but like…um…uh…waitaminute…WTF?

By Numbsain...the man of his dreams.

Ask Numbsain

Dear numbsain, I read your advice column everyday and I think you're the wisest most intelligent advice columnist on the planet. I think you have a great sense of humor and you're kind and a real humanitarian. That's all I wanted to say. Thanks again.

Oh there is one other thing. My little Bobby, he's only 5 and he needs $5000 to get an operation to save his legs. He loves baseball and his only wish in life is to grow up and play in the major leagues. But you see, without his legs, there's just no way they're gonna let him fulfill his dream. Do you think there's any way you could help us out, it's not for me, it's for Bobby. Won't you please help us numbsain?

Bobby's Loving Dad

Dear Bobby's Lover dad,
There's very little chance your son will make it to the major leagues, even with legs. Nice try. If you had just said the truth which is that you need the money to pay off your crack dealer, you would have had a better chance you phony con artist. Get out of my sight before I puke all over you. By the way, do you really read my column every day? I DON"T WRITE IT EVERY DAY YOU SIMPLETON!
****************************************
Dear Numbsain,
Some girls in my sorority and I get together every weekend and play poker. Last night I was winning when all of a sudden, Jenny stood up and pulled a gun on us. I tried to tell her it was only a game and she shouldn’t take it so seriously. Then she shot my lava lamp. What should I do?

Sore Winner

Dear Sore,I suggest playing stripped poker. It’s just like ordinary poker except you start out with no clothes on. That way it will be harder to conceal a weapon. Send me photos too. As far as the lava lamp is concerned, buy a new one only replace the lava with nitro methane (can be purchased at any drag racing outlet). That way if Jenny pops a cap in it, the whole place blows up and she’ll think twice about being such a sore loser.
****************************************

Dear Numbsain,
I’m a business man with a wife, two beautiful children and a cat. I make $150 grand a year. My marriage is great, the kids are doing well in school and we have an active social life. But recently, I’ve been sneaking downstairs at night, going into the kitchen, getting down on all fours and eating cat food right out of the cat’s dish. After I finish all of the wet food and nibble a few crunchies, I lap up some water from the cat’s bowl and go back to bed feeling satisfied and content. Is this normal?

Fluffy; CEO,

Dear Fluffy,
This behavior is completely normal for a healthy happy well adjusted adult male cat. You, on the other hand, are a sicko. Of course you feel satisfied and content, cat food is of a much higher quality than human food and it’s meant for cats, not you. Do you even think of your family as your gobbling down Purina in the wee hours? How would they feel if they knew you were hogging all the good stuff? I recommend you be made to wear a neck cone until you break the habit. Try weaning yourself off the 9-Lives with a can of Spam before bedtime and get neutered just in case it’s hereditary.


****************************************

Dear Numbsain,
I am a professional truck driver. I’m in pretty good health and about average intelligence. But I eat cat food. Am I okay?

Highway Friskies

Dear High,What is with you people?! Stop eating cat food! It’s formulated for felines, not humans! Do you cough up fur balls? Do you want a silky-smooth shiny coat? Do you lick your own asshole? NO! You don’t, so you don’t need premium quality cat foods. It’s too rich for you and you’re running a serious risk of gout, you moron!
*****************************************

Dear Numbsain,
I’m a 22 year old woman and I eat cat food, just kidding! I eat normal human food and my little Persian kitty gets all the Tender Vittles. There is one little problem, I can’t poop anywhere but in the cat box. I clean the box often though, and I use Johnny Cat® odor absorbing cat litter. That’s okay isn’t it?

Litter Bug

Dear Bug,I hate you people. Why don’t you send this crap to Abigail Van Buren and leave me alone.
***************************************

Dear Numbsain,
I’m the captain of a top rated bowling team. We’ve won several championships and every player on the team is world class. Recently however, one of my team members started playing a lot better. Like incredibly so much better that he’s, like, way too good to be playing with the rest of us. We all feel inadequate around him and some of us are thinking of quitting bowling altogether. What should we do?

Gutter Balls

Dear Guts,
Now let me get this straight, you’re all world class bowlers but one of you is so much better that you want to give up the sport? How much better can you be at bowling if you’re already world class? If you’re that damn good, you should all be making mostly strikes and missing very few, if any, spares. I mean, does he just make a strike every time? That’s not so-o-o way better. There just isn’t that much room for improvement in a game like bowling when you’re at that level. You guys sound like a bunch of whining, bitching, sniveling, little punk-ass crybabies. Get over yourself you pansy ass, snot-nosed, milquetoast, pencil-dicked, fat-assed, barf-brained, lily-livered, sore-losing, no-balls-having, bed-wetting, nipple-piercing, chicken-plucking, buck-toothed, Barney-watching, cat-food-eating, Price-Is-Right contestant! Why don’t you make him bowl his entire set with a little porcelain statuette of the Virgin Mary shoved up his ass! That should equalize things.

by numbsain
Disclaimer: Advice given was not written with the aid of a Ouiji board.

BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS

Einstein demonstrating
his theory of slurpativity.

Everyone knows Albert Einstein, theoretical physicist, guy with funny hair. But few are aware of his early years with the circus. Yes one of the greatest geniuses of our time once took a summer job under the big top as Neutrino the Clown amusing and entertaining audiences with his theory of smellativity. His career in comedy came to an abrupt end when he accidentally vaporized an audience with a tiny nuclear device he wore on his lapel and flung into the air just before diving into a lead lined barrel to safety.

Shut your stupid disgusting

twinkie-hole you hideously
ugly lard ass behemoth.

We're all aware of the exploits of K*rl R*ve, former senior advisor and cheif of staff to ex-president Ge*rge B*sh and consummate asshole, but not many people know that as a teen K*rl worked as a chicken sexer for Zacky Farms. It was a short lived career as K*rl quit when he learned that the job had nothing to do with having sex with chickens. Throughout his life Mr. *urp* (excuse me) ka-BAAAAARRFF! that guy has attempted to have sex with all the farm animals all of whom expressed a violent dislike for him and refused even when offered large sums of money. K*rl prefers chickens over all other unwilling partners because only the chicken's vagina is small enough to accommodate his... *gag* y'know that thing.

Miss Spears after being told she
could not sit by the window and
would have to take the aisle seat.

What celebrity exposé would be complete without mention of America's favorite sex pig Britney Spears, teen idol, exhibitionist and professional tabloid fodder. But few people know or care about Britney's very first attempt at being a useful and productive member of the work force. That's because she never was a useful and productive member of anything. In fact no company, organization, or person could stand her and so she was advised by her school counselor to become a pop singer certain she would fail and end up overdosing on something. Go figure.

Timberlake thinking himself
dapper in that ridiculous outfit.

One of the fastest rising young stars in the music business, and it's inevitable offshoot, the film industry, is Justin Timberlake, recording artist, actor (in the very broad sense of the word) and liberator of Janet Jackson's breasts at the Super-bowl. Not surprisingly his early vocational experience had little to do with music or acting. Macaroni was Timberlake's field of expertise and not just manufacturing or eating the stuff, no, this ambitious young upstart was Head Macaroni Sorter at one of the finest Italian cuisine plants in the US, Chef Boy-ar-dee. Timberlake was responsible for making sure the freshly extruded semolina/dishwater mixture stayed separated from the rat turds and was responsible for stringent quality control of Spaghetti-Os and other products worn on the faces and scalps of two-year-old gourmands across the country.

by numbsain, who wrote a blog before he was famous