ASK NUMBSAIN...Advice for the Loveridden

WARNING: This post deals with mature subject in an immature way. Words and phrases such as "penis" and "doggie style" are used and therefore it is absolutely NOT suitable for persons under the age of 18.

Dear Numbsain,

Please don’t laugh at me when I tell you this. It would crush what little self esteem I’ve got. I’m 23 years old but I’ve never been intimate with anyone in my life. The reason is because, well, I have no penis. I was born without one. It’s horrible. I have 3 older brothers and they’ve all got nice, big, fully functional penises. But not me. I need love and companionship just like anyone. But I can’t take a potential partner home, get in bed and then say, “by the way, I hope you didn’t have your heart set on me having a penis because I don’t have one.” I’d be a laughing stock all over town. I’m not talking about a small one either, I’m talking none! In fact all I have is a wet hole where my penis is supposed to be. Can you help me?

Tahmee

P.S. I’ve included a picture of myself so you can see that I have no other physical deformities, except I'm not as muscular as my older brothers either.

Dear Tahmee,
Listen buddy I feel your pain, I mean not literally because I have a penis, but I can imagine what it must be like for you, man. It’s awful to be short changed in life. I’ll tell you what, guy, I might be able to help you out. But I need to see for myself what you got goin’ on down there to know best what your options are. Why don’t you come over to my place tomorrow night and we can talk about it. Bring your overnight bag because it might take a while. Okay buddy? So I’ll see you at 8:00.

 \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/   \i/

Dear Numbsain,

I’m a 28 year old female and my boyfriend is 25. We have a good relationship and our sex is great except he’s always complaining about one thing: no head! That’s all he talks about: head head head, and that’s the one thing he doesn’t get with me. Why can’t he accept me the way I am and stop obsessing over something he can’t have?

Butterhead

Dear Butterhead,
So what’s the big deal? Why are you so against oral sex?


Dear Numbsain,
Who said anything about oral sex? I said my boyfriend complains constantly about the fact that I have no head. I’ve been living without a head all my life and I’m use to not having one, Funny thing is most guys say that’s what they like about me. Why did I have to fall in love with the one guy who thinks it’s a problem? Here's a photo of me which will help you understand.

Butterhead

See picture below:

Dear Butterhead,
Wow! Nice set of shoulders you got there babe! Your boyfriend is an idiot! What’s his complaint again? Oh yeah, you mentioned something about not having a head. Wait, let me look at the picture again…Oh, look at that! You’ve got no head! That’s interesting, but who cares really? I mean, it’s not a problem for me! You should dump that fool and give me a call after you do, I’d like to get to know those, I mean, I’d like to get to know you better.

°¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  °¿°  

 ˚    ˘    ˚    ˘    ˚    ˘   ˚     ˘     ˚    ˘    ˚    ˘     ˚    ˘

Dear Numbsain,
I’m an 18 year old girl and there’s this boy I really like. He’s handsome, shy, intelligent, everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I want to take it to the next level with him, you know? I want him to, um, tee-hee! I can’t believe I’m telling you this…I mean what girl wouldn’t want to go all the way with the man of her dreams?

All we’ve really done so far is missionary, doggie style, reverse cowgirl, oral, 69, anal, double anal, triple anal, public places, in a graveyard, BDSM, you know the basics. But I want him to give me something real to prove he loves me. Is it wrong for me to want that?

Wondering

Dear, AHEM! Wond-(choke, cough cough)-ering,
Whoa girl! You did all that stuff? You guys are really goin’ at it like gangbusters! Wow! Triple anal? I can’t even imagine! Kinda hard not to though…Hmmm…Okay, okay, okay, (deep breath, calm down) Okay obviously when you say “the next level” You’re talking about what every girl wants: the joy of holy matrimony and, frankly if you’ve done all that with the guy, he’d better marry you! Drop a hint if you have to, but get that ring!

Dear Numbsain,
This is Wondering again. You’re a little confused, I’m not trying to get him to marry me! Oh hell no, I just want him to urinate on me. The ultimate act of love (sigh). The way a boy shows he truly cares for a girl. Who said anything about marriage? I wanna try golden showers!

Wondering

Dear Wondering,
Give him a six pack and lock the bathroom door. What the hell do you want from me! No wait, I don’t wanna know. (Yeesh! Disgusting!)

If you have a problem or need advice on a subject that is of a personal or embarrassing nature, or if you just need to speak confidentially with a sensitive, mature adult who is qualified to advise you, and promises to maintain your privacy, then you've come to the wrong place. We'll blab your secret all over town, and we'll also sell your information to third party vendors.

 By Numbsain...Take a tip from an expert: Don't ask me.

Famous Cries and Announcer's Calls Quiz

It's quiz time again on Numbsain's Unwind which means it's time to get out the old brain and test your random access memory processing ability. Tricky part is for something to be famous it has to have been around for some time. And time is the memories worst enemy. The longer it's been kickin' around the archives the harder it is to call it up. Plus when you get old you start to lose your memory so that's...why...um, well...I...what was I just talking about? Nevermind, just take the quiz and if you get 10 out of 12 answers right, reward yourself with a bowl of tapioca pudding. Oh and this is a timed quiz. You have until December of 2018 to complete it.

Michael Buffer would like to.

1. Boxing Announcer Michael Buffer is known for rousing the crowd with:
a. LET’S WATCH THESE GUYS BEAT EACH OTHER U-U-U-U-U-UP!
b. LET’S GET SWEATY AND MA-A-A-A-A-AD!
c. LET’S GET COZY AND SNUGGL-L-L-L-LE!
d. LET’S GET READY TO RUMBL-L-L-L-LE!
 
2. Ed McMahon used to start the Tonight Show by saying:
a. Whe-e-e-e-e-ere’s Waldo?
b. He-e-e-e-e-e-ere’s Johnny!
c. Who-o-o-o-o-o-o Farted?
d. No-o-o-o-o-o-o Peekin’!

3. Don Pardo used to announce Lorne Michaels comedy show:
a. LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IT’S A BLIMP! NO, IT’S ED McMAHON...
b. LIVE! FROM LEBANON! IT’S LULEH KABOB NIGHT!
c. LIVE! FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!
d. HELP! MY TESTICLES ARE ON FIRE!

4. Bill Cullen summoned contestants on “The Price Is Right” by saying:
a. Don’t be shy, we won’t hurtcha…much!
b. Come on down!
c. Get your ass down here, beeeyotch!
d. Let’s go, let’s go, we haven’t got all day!

5. Tony the Tiger says (about Sugar Frosted Flakes):
a. The-e-e-e-e-ey SUCK!
b. The-e-e-e-ey’re better than starving to death!
c. The-e-e-e-ey’re CARDBOARD!
d. The-e-e-e-ey’re GREAT!

6. At the beginning of the Olympics they say:
a. ALLOW THE FESTIVITIES TO COMMENCE!
b. LET THE YOUTH BE EXPLOITED FOR OUR NATIONALISTIC PRIDE!
c. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
d. SMOKE ‘EM IF YA GOT ‘EM!

7. Soccer announcer Andres Cantor shouts:
a. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
b. YOU IDIOT! ARE YOU BLIND?
c. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
d. OH MY FRIKKEN GOD!

8. After three strikes the umpire says to the batter:
a. YOU’RE FIRED!
b. YOU’RE HISTORY, PAL!
c. Ooooh you missed again! Tell ya what, try choking up on the bat a little and take a deep breath…Go-o-o-od. Now scratch your balls, no-no-no, gently, like this…There ya go. Feel good? Now I want you to focus on the- huh? Oh don’t worry about them, they can wait…
d. YOU’RE OUT

9. In a 1987 movie, Robin Williams, as a whacky American DJ stationed in Saigon during wartime, said:
a. Okay whoever’s dead raise your hand…Nobody? See, war’s not so bad!
b. Is everybody happy? Good! Now go kill each other!
c. He shoots…He scores!
d. Good Morning Vietnam!

Ali wants Cosell to pay.

10. In a George Forman vs. Joe Frazier fight Howard Cosell shouted:
a. DON’T THEY MAKE A LOVELY COUPLE?
b. DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!
c. OOOOH! RIGHT IN THE KISSER! THAT’S GOTTA HURT!
d. FAGS!

11. Before a daring leap to escape the cavalry an Apache leader shouted his name:
a. OLEE-OLEE-OXEN-FREE!
b. GERITOL!
c. CHEIF BIGGUM DICKUM!
d. GERONIMO!

12. In Lone Ranger movies Lone shouted:
a. YEE HAH MOLYBDENUM!
b. RIN TIN TIN!
c. HI HO SILVER!
d. OI VEY ANODIZED ALUMINUM!

Answers: 1=d, 2=b, 3=c, 4=b, 5=d, 6=c, 7=a, 8=d, 9=d, 10=b, 11=d, 12=c

By Numbsain…He-e-e-e-e-e’s HIM!

YO MAMA's are so PHAT

Yo mama’s so fat she has her mother’s chin and her grandmothers chin and her aunts chin and her great grandmothers chin and her great aunts chin…

Yo mama’s so fat they call her the Ener-sizer Bunny…she keeps growing, and growing, and GROWING…

Yo mama’s so fat when she sits on the bus she really sits ON the bus.

Yo mama’s so stupid she resents you because Mother’s Day is only once a year and son-day is every week.

Yo mama’s so fat when she breastfed you you almost drowned.

Yo mama’s so fat when she was old enough to date her mama said, “take the cow for free!”

Yo mama’s so fat there are parts of her ass that have yet to be discovered.

Yo mama’s so fat she fits a size 13 dress…on her finger.

Yo mama’s so fat she thought her nickname was Beese cuz people always see her and say “Oh beese…”

Yo mama’s so fat her ass has a cell phone so it can call her when it needs to go.

Yo mama’s so fat when she had surgery the doctors showed up in safari gear.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she was a child it took a village to raise her.

Yo mama’s so fat she eats with a forklift.

Yo mama’s so fat everything makes her ass look fat.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she took a plane they said: ”in the unlikely event of a water landing yo mama may be used as a floatation device.”

Yo mama’s so fat she survived in the wilderness because the bears felt stuffed just looking at her.

Yo mama’s so fat her snow cone had an avalanche.

Yo mama’s so fat she tried out for the part of Gilligan’s Island.

Yo mama’s so fat she parts her hair in the east.

Yo mama’s so fat she made Santa Claus look anorexic.

Yo mama’s so fat she tells yo daddy where she likes to be touched by longitude and latitude.

Yo mama’s so fat Santa said “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Merry Christma-ASS!

Yo mama’s so fat when she had hot flashes they called it “global warming.”

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Justin Bieber was a vaginal contraceptive.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she chased your daddy all through high school she really went through the high school.

THE ULTIMATE ARMORED CHRISTMAS TREE!

Christmas is a time of giving and loving and joy and giving and...wait did I already say giving? Anyway it really sucks when it's ruined by bratty kids stealing each others presents. Now you'll never have to worry about that again with a wonderful and innovative holiday idea from Brinx, the security experts. Announcing the new High-Security, Theft Proof Christmas Tree!

Gifts are stored in the tree's impenetrable vault set on a time delay so it can't open until Christmas morning. Then they're dispensed one at a time in a special protected zone just for unwrapping gifts. The childs' name is clearly announced with visual affirmation and only that child is allowed near the tree. With the tree under surveillance by special cameras that make sure the wrong child is nowhere nearby, presents are always safe and with three verbal warnings and a loud alarm sound before any shots are fired, your kids are too, unless they are complete idiots. And in that case they have to be stopped and nothing does that like the AK-47. Yes two guard sentinals built into the tree first fire warning shots and If the intruding child persists, he's shot at point blank range. Do you think it works? Kimberly's an only child thanks to this modern marvel.

And the best part is you get all that security for the incredibly low price of only $250,999.99  But how much have you already lost to theft? Order yours today!

 Note: The Amazing Brinx High-Security Anti-Theft Christmas tree must be delivered to your home by special truck and lowered on a special crane into your living room as it weighs approx, 4 tons.

Brinx...the only thing they'll steal is your heart!

Written and illustrated by Numbsain...wasting hours every day bringing you unimaginable stupidity... Now that's love.

Misfortune Cookies...a fresh batch.

I was eating at my favorite Chinese restaurant all last week so I could get some more fortune cookies for my blog. Monday I had Sum Fat Kow and a dish called Mai Shu that was kind of leathery. Tuesday I ate Thousand-Year-Old Egg Foo Young. Wednesday I was broke so the waiter recommended No Foo Fo Yu and Yu Go Dum Guy which I didn't care for. I ended up having General Ko's Chicken (He left and didn't finish it). Thursday I hit the dumpster in the back for some One-Thousand-Year-and-Three-Days-Old Egg foo Young which must have gone bad because it made me sick—funny how, after a thousand years, three days makes a difference—But it was still tasty. Friday I got my paycheck so i ate inside again and had Three Taste Seafood which was disappointing cause I had three tastes and they took it away! So I ordered the Egg Drop Soup but I had to scoop it up off the floor. The Twice Cooked Pork was a little undercooked so I had them make me Thrice Cooked Pork and by the time it got to me it tasted a little like the One-Thousand-Year-Old Egg-Foo-Young. But I got the fortunes...unfortunately...

  
I got the feeling they didn't like me at that Chinese restaurant so I asked them where I could buy a bag of the cookies. They said you can't buy these cookies 'cause they make them special just for me. Guess I was wrong.

By Numbsain...He was born the year of the star-bellied sneetch.

TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS GIFTS

Warning: This post contains graphic language not suitable for humans under the age of 200 (and certainly not under the age of 18) so go play warcraft or something.

10. Wintertime Slip n’ Slide—When it’s well below freezing outside what could be more fun than getting soaking wet, belly flopping onto a plastic tarp and sliding across the front lawn? Anything! Great way to lose unwanted fingers.

9. Real Reindeer Antlers—These would make a great toy, coat rack or just a keepsake. If they weren't still attached to a reindeer's head. One with a particularly horrified look on its face at that. Unmounted and unstuffed, in fact it’s still warm and bloody. Give it one of the names of Santa’s Reindeer: Basher, Masher, Crasher and Victim, Crammit, Dammit, Dahmer, and Stick-‘em.

8. Johnny Tweaker: My First Meth Lab Play Set—Everything you need to make one of the most addictive drugs on the street, pure crystal Meth! And it’s as much fun to make as it is to take! Includes all those caustic, toxic, corrosive chemicals you need to make a bag of gak street valued at $5,000! You'll be one popular 9-year-old with every skeleton-faced cougar in your trailer park beating down your door for your crank, take it either way, you'll eventually blow up.
7. Bed Bugz!—No, not a game by Milton Bradley, an actual bucket of live bugs, HUGE ONES! Like the giant weta pictured above! 2 inch long Hissing Madagascar Cockroaches! and the Bird Eater Tarantula whose legspan is as wide as a Christmas Turkey! Imagine your surprise when you unwrap this treasure trove and watch it scatter to all corners of the house. Forget the roach motels, set rat traps, or just runaway from home.

6. Attorney in a Box—You guessed it, an actual lawyer wrapped up in a shipping crate and ready to defend you in court after you murder your parents for getting you a sleazy, slimy, sweaty, greasy, ambulance chaser for Christmas! Choice of Jewish or Mexican. If the cheap aftershave doesn't get to you, the constant stream of fast-talking blather about how much they'll rake in if they can sue so and so will.

5. A Buy-One-Get-One-an-1/8th-Off coupon to Chuck E. Cheese!—Like anyone would ever take a date to Chuck E. Cheese. Besides, you’re eleven! You’re old enough to know that pizza sucks, and that 4-year-olds pee in the colored balls regularly.

4. Fighting Frogs!—Hey now this sounds fun right? It’s not. If they do fight with each other it’s a twenty minute standoff and then zap! One of them is dead and now you’ve got a deadly poisonous frog loose in your house! Why don’t they just buy you and your little brother a pair of Glocks and let you have at it?

3. The 6 CD collection of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Alvin and the Chipmunks arrangements of Christmas songs With Special Guest vocalists Donny and Marie Osmond!—If that was my Christmas gift I’d rather they just suffocate me in my sleep on Christmas Eve and be done with it.

2. Perpetual Sexy Dancing Santa—A 2-foot-tall Santa that shakes his fat ass and grinds his hips in a lascivious way while singing (in the voices of Pat Boone, Berl Ives, and worse) every insipid Christmas Song known to mankind. And best of all, once you turn it on, IT NEVER STOPS! You’ll try everything to get rid of it, even shove it up mom and dad’s big, fat, stupid, hairy chimney!

1. I Saw Mommy Schtupping Santa Claus Video—Somehow inexplicably your parents accidentally left under the tree for you on Christmas morning their home video of them having sex! and not just sex but kinky, noisy, raunchy, whips-and-chains, monkey sex, and they show everything! You’ll be scarred for life when you watch with morbid fascination as dad, in full Santa gear (sans trousers) gives it to mom long and hard in every unimaginable position! Apparently they had a neighbor shoot it because the camera angles and close ups are impeccable! Good old mommy takes it in every orifice and at one point you could swear she actually shouted your name during climax! OMG! You’ll wretch, you’ll gag, you’ll puke up your figgy pudding and it won’t be till after your 45, and a lot of therapy, that you’ll ever consider doing the nasty after you’ve seen mommy take daddy's load in the face while murmuring “Joy to the World, Our Lord is Come.” The nastiest two hours you’ve ever sat through. Happy Holidays Kids!!!

By Numbsain...No, that's not what happened to him.

A Short History of the Dwarf

in these modern times of political correctness bigotry is considered a sign of ignorance and although it does exist among rednecks, trailer trash, and hillbillies, most intelligent people know better than to stereotype others based on race, sex, income, or sexual orientation. Yet there are some about whom, due to accepted mythology or folklore, we have no problem making generalizations, if not out-and-out slurs.

Although, for the most part, individuals of diminutive stature are treated with the same respect as any other human being, still we accept childrens’ stories such as “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” which  depict them in ridiculous costumes and as having demeaning, descriptive names like *Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc and Bashful. And a little known fact is that around the time the story took place these were the names of, not individual dwarves, but of seven common dwarf breeds. To further Illustrate here’s a brief history of the dwarf.

Though Disney’s classic tale first brought the dwarf into the public eye, his septet were far from the only dwarves that existed during the period. There were indeed many other varieties of dwarf living and breeding in and around the Enchanted Forest State Wildlife and Dwarf Preserve in the late 1700's, the hayday of dwarf poaching.

Many were common wild dwarves not worthy of mention in the popular trade journal: "S. Whiteman's Dwarfing Monthly" one of the few accurate sighters guides for indiginous dwarvery. Among the most sought breeds was Musky: A rare and pungent dwarf coveted for its glands which were used in perfumes and snake oil recipes to add substance or "legs" to the potions. Other "aromatic" dwarves were Patchouly, Minty, Piquanté and Zesty.

The porn star Bridget the Midget is descended
from the badunkadunk dwarf breed

But most popular of the "stinkmidgets" were the aphrodisiacal: Tangy, Crotchy, Panty, Coozy, Queafy, Putto and Balls. Harvested by the dozens and boiled down in large vats, the concentrated extracts of these dwarves were said to have an Irresistible flavor that was sure to escalate even the most prudish of virgins to a libidinous fever. Sold as "fruits of the moss" they were a staple of many a wicked stepmothers boudoir.

Feeder dwarves included Fishy, Beefy, Porky, Turkey and Soy. These hearty, high protein dwarves were feasted on by nearly every carnivorous beast and plant in the little game region and during dwarf season their carcasses littered the ground in abundance providing a veritable smorgasbord for wildlife, as well as a rich soil enhancement teeming with dwarven nutrients.

Most coveted of all were the slave dwarves. Larger and more robust than the food dwarves, many were kept by rich widows and bachelors as bed wenches and manservants. Others were put to work in the fields harvesting tubors and low growth crops while the less intelligent genetically compromised retard dwarves, Ditzy, Drippy, Bimbo, Klutzy and Stupid were used as door matts, speed bumps, door stops, ottomans and even bath towels.

The largest, comliest of the dwarves; Studly, Busty, Badunkadunk, Big Schlong, Hanglow and Hips measured up to two and a half feet in length and were put to stud or used as breeding stock. These were the ancestors of the modern garden variety dwarves or "little people" who live and work among us in society today.

Myth debunked: Fidgets, Elves, Leprichauns and Mini Me are not actual dwarves and did not exist outside of folklore, Keebler products, breakfast cereals and hollywood.

*The happy of the original tale went by the name of Smiley Gladstone, The sleepy’s real name was Snorton Bedwetter, The dopey was a character fashioned after a dwarf named Foolbert Stumble, while the original grumpy used was known to what few friends he had as Gripely R. Scowler. The story's sneezy’s legal name was Hank Kerchief III, the doc dwarf, a pediatrician and general practitioner of medicine was listed in the local directory as Dr. Soren Healy M.D. and the bashful held the title of Sir M. Barrist Hyde. The young woman who inspired the character of Snow White was an indigent prostitute who went by the name of Gladys Schwartz before she died of advanced syphilis at the age of 27.

By Numbsain...an intellectual dwarf in the body of an emotional cripple.

Yo Mama 2012 part 2 (Yo mama's had it now!)

Yo mama’s so skinny she got a job at a strip club…as the pole.

Yo mama’s so skinny if you rub up against her you’ll get a paper cut.

Yo mama’s so skinny she can floss with her finger.

Yo mama’s so skinny when she wears red she looks like a twizzler.

Yo mama’s so skinny her necklace keeps tripping her.

Yo mama’s so skinny we can tell if she ate…and what she ate…and how long ago she ate.

Yo mama’s so skinny when her hair turned white people thought she was a Q-tip.

Yo mama’s so skinny when she was pregnant with you we could tell you were gonna be ugly.

Yo mama’s so stupid she told a Native American if he doesn’t like this country then go back where he came from.

Yo mama’a such a prude she won’t tease her hair cause it might get ideas.

Yo mama’s so fat her pimp calls himself Cost-ho.

Yo mama’s so fat when she moons people it’s in I-Max.

Yo mama’s so fat she’s a roll model.

Yo mama’s so fat when she farts it takes a half-hour to come to the surface.

Yo mama’s so fat she tried to drive a Honda Fit but she couldn’t.

Yo mama’s so fat she tried to drive a Mini Cooper but it was too small for her maxi pooper.

Yo mama’s so fat when she checked her weight it said “Exceeds maximum payload please choose alternate route.”

Yo mama’s so fat she wore a red dress to a Mexican restaurant and the mariachis sang, “One Ton Tomato…”

Yo mama’s so fat she can drive in the carpool lane by herself.

Yo mama’s so fat she tried the slip-n-slide and took out the neighbors house.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to IHOP for all-you-can-eat pancakes and brought her overnight bag…and she still hasn’t left…that was two weeks ago!

Yo mama’s such a bad cook the dog puts a plastic bag over his paw to throw away the table scraps.

Yo mama’s so ugly a blind man bumped into her because his seeing eye dog couldn’t bear to describe her.

Yo mama’s so stupid when she was pregnant with you she got a letter addressed to current occupant so she saved it for you.

Yo mama’s so stupid when your daddy gave her a theater ticket she read, “Admit One” so she told him she cheated on him…with the dog.

Yo mama’s so stupid she never scratched the lottery ticket she bought cause she was afraid it might lose.

Yo mama’s so ugly when she looks at the clock she kills time.

Yo mama’s so fat the girl scouts wouldn’t sell her any more cookies.

Yo mama’s so fat when she goes to get Chinese take-out she brings a U-haul truck.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got tickets to see an opera show and then complained there were no guests,  she sang the whole time and it didn’t even look like her.

Yo mama’s so ugly she wears a sign that says “CAUTION: HAZARDOUS FACE.”

Yo mama’s so fat she keeps losing her thong.

Yo Mama Nursery Rhymes

Jack and yo mama went up the hill
to fetch a pale of water,
Jack fell down and he was all right
but yo mama's so fat she rolled down and killed him.

Yo fat mama sat on a wall.
Yo fat mama had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
couldn’t even lift her.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
yo mama could eat anything.
And so between the two of them
Jack Sprat starved to death.

Yo stupid mother
went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone.
When she got there
the cupboard was bare
so she had the dog put to sleep.

By Numbsain...his mama is perfect!

Mean Cuisine

Worried about transfat? high fructose corn syrup? artificial additivess? They're health foods compared to these ghastly-nomical indelicacies that everyone will bring up at the dinner table.


SOUP OF THE DEAD

Torture-tilla Soup—Excruciatingly slow cooked.
Beef Barf-ley—Always better the second time.
Vicioussoise—Cold, cruel and heartless.
Borscht—Yes just borscht, horrible!
Menure-do—Smells like shit, tastes like shit,
     glad I didn't step in it.
Al-bomb-digas—Exploding meatballs in napalm.

SAD SALADS

Seizure Salad—Just like grand maul used to make.
Wal-Dwarf Salad—We tossed in a dwarf.
Spin-itch Salad—Spinach and fresh baby poison ivy.
Anti-Christ-O Salad—deviled eggs and mortal-della.
Coal Slawter—With burning coals.

GROSS ENTREES

Beef Swellington—Swollen black anguish beef.
Chicken Tetrachloride—Lean, mean solvent-soaked.
Kung Fu Chicken—You kill my teacher, WHY? WHY?
Carnage Asada—Bloody marinated steak.
Beef Never Loins—So it’s gotta loin the hard way.
Rodney King Duck—Can’t we all just get a leg?
Wreck of Lamb—Treated worse than veal.
Ratatat-KaBLOOEEY—A semi-automatic favorite.
Mobster Tail—It sleeps with fishes.
Arroz Con Polio—It's cripple-icious!

HOMA-SIDE DISHES

Rigor-Mortoni—It’s pasta way.
Potatos Augh! Rotten!—But it’s still bad.
Torture-lini Al Pest Control—made with Raid.
Fried Calamity-mari—Battered and fried rubbery.
Assaulted Peanuts—De-virginia-nized peanuts.

RISE AND SHINERS

Decapitated Coffee—A no-brainer you won't be up.
Lo Cal Egg Beaters—When you’re on a die-et.
Eggs Bent Dick—Ouch! That's gotta hurt.
Incontinental Breakfast—Urine luck.
Cold Cereal Killer—Killoggs, Genocide Mills, Postal.
Agent Orange Juice—With bloody pulp.

LUNCH WITH A PUNCH

Feel-Awful Sandwich—We won't have ta-bully you.
Chopped Off Liver—It was about to go anyway.
Destitute-Boy Sandwich—Worse than a poorboy.
Billy Club Sandwich—Nobody beats ours.
Nuclear Submarine Sandwich—Dive! Dive!
Past-Trauma Sandwich—You'll need therapy.

STRESSED DESSERTS

Pineapple Upside-Yo-Head Cake
Terror-Me-Sue—Rum for your lives!
Tres Leeches—This dessert sucks.
Pain De Choke-a-Lot—Great with the Heimlich.
Napalmier—Served scalding hot.
Date Rape Loaf—You know her so it's easier.
Rhubarb-Wire Pie—You can’t escape.
Apple-Schrapnel—with grenade-ine.
Stab-aglione—so thick you'll need a knife.


Sponsored by...
Maalox
Alka-Seltzer
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By numbsain...the next Wolgang Phuck

Dr Jiblitz & Dr. Gravy... E.R. E.R. Oh!

Jiblitz: Welcome to the fo shokes. Today weez gonna show you hadda reckonize what’s wrong witcha...

Gravy: Don’t ya mean diagnostic?

J: Huh? No Gravy, weez showin ‘em hadda NOT die, don’t matter if they’re agnostic. So let’s see who needs a check-up?

Gr: Shut the heck up!

J: Here drink this water.

G: Water you giving me water fer?

J: Fer yer heck-ups.

G: I ain’t got the heck-ups. I told you to shut the heck up about a check-up cause we ain't doin' no check-ups! This is the E.R.! Don’tch know what E.R. stands fer?

J: Nope.

G: An’ you call yerself a doctor?

J: Why would I call one? I am one. Besides I ain’t sickin’.

G: That’s a matter of opinion.

J: Did I ask for a sickin’ opinion?

G: I was tryin’ to tell ya what E.R. stands fer.

 J: Ooh! lemme guess…um, um...

G: BAAAAAMP! Time’s up, but thanks fer playin’ “YOU LOSE!” I better test yer knowledge doctor. What wouldja do iffin a patient came in with acute angina?

J: Hyuk-hyuk, I’d have professional preserves and wouldn't even look. I’d send her to the anginacologist.

G: What if they had a compound fracture stickin’ out?

J: I’d stay calm, pound the fracture back in.

G: And what wouldja do if a burst appendix come in?

J: Same as I did when we had that flurry o’ pencil dicks.

G: What if a patient came in here and started chokin’?

J: I’d remove his hands from my throat.

G: What if they need a transfusion?

J: Who kin dance to trance fusion?

G: And if they had eurythmia?

J: Sense o’ eurythmia helps.

G: Or concussion?

J: If ya play concussion ya gotta have a sense o’ eurythmia.

G: How do you treat a black widda’ spider bite?

J: Same as anybody, no facial discrimination here!

G: How would ya handle it if some cityslicker came in with syphilis?

J: My sister?! Well if he's BLIND there ain't much I can do.

G: What iffin the patient's in a vegetative state?

J: Dice 'im up and sautee him in butter.

G: Cardiac Arrest?

J: Thanks Grav’ I could use a rest.

G: You got malpractice written all over ya. 

J: I practice on females too. Speakin’ o’ witch, (thengyoo nurse jes’ wheel that gurney right awn in here. Here ya go, that’s fer you) Time to play doctor, doctor we got a live one!

G: She ain’t look alive to me.

J: Lemme try sump’m. Ahem, LOOK ALIVE!…she ain’t responded to my treatment Grav’ and look at her lips, they’re bluish in color. She don’t have no pulsations neither. I’d say this patient is Day-ed!

G: DAY-ED?! Blad-Casket Jiblitz! We gotta administer C3PO!

J: Shouldn’t we try to resusperate ‘er before we brang in the robot minister?

G: That’s what I’m sayin’! give her 50 CDs o’ effin' asprin IV and dee-fib-u-late!

J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]

G: ONE! Missississis-sippi-cup, TWO! Miss-assassin-issy-sissy-prissy-missy,
THREE! Miss-a-zipper-whippy-flippy-hippy…

J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]

G: ONE! Mister-whipple-sister-sicky-picky …uh…where wuz I?

J: CLEAR! [FWUMP!]

G: ONE! Missy-pissy-sissy-wissy…

J: Grav’…

G: …issy-sississ-issis…siss...

J: Grav’…GRAVY! It ain’t no use she’s passed, gone, flatlined, dee-ceased, finito, worm food, late, a corpse, one fer the obits, casket filler, she’s joined the choir unseeable, a cadaver…

G: No ya cain’t have ‘er you necco-wafer-feel-a-yak! She goes to the coroner!

J: It wun’t her fault she’s day-ed, why she gotta stand in the corner?

G: The coroner’s orifice you quack-in-the-crack. Let’s jes’ move on to the next victim, er patient.

J: Ain’t got no more patience.

G: I’m a-hurryin’! You got a sprain to cast?

J: No, Gravy, we done been off the air fer ten minutes.

G: We’re breathin’ straight nitrous? No wonder I feel funny.

J: You smell funny too. Whenza last time ya washed yer scrubs?

G: Whenza last time you scrubbed yer hygienes, ya musky hillbilly?

J: My jeans are high? At least I ain’t sportin’ butt crack, ya un-wed, pre-med, gin-fed in-bred intern.

G: Who you callin’ intern? Ya volunteer proctologist…

J. Zat the best you kin do?

G: Guess that’s our chauffeur today. See yizz next time when we demon-straight our on-turpentine-urial skills, puttin’ the “jack” back in “jackoff-all-trades” and show ya how ta cat-burgularize yer neighborhood!

J: Whoo-whee! Kin we nab that tabby over at the Calhoon’s? He’s so cuddly-wuddly wit ‘is fluffy-wuffy wittle whiskers, an’ his…

G: Jiblitz wuz you born stoopit or didja git dropped when yer sister gave birth to ya?

J: Cain’t remember!

J & G: TAKE TOO MANY AN’ CALL US IN THE MORNIN’!

Jiblits & Gravy wuz brang to ya by:

Minty-Fresh ButtSavers®…The suppository you can fart through!

Anvil®...the heavy pain reliever!

Condomints®...the perfect after dinner HINT!

by numbsain…inbred without guilt.

Ask Reverend Numbsain

Just an example of the dangers of religion in the wrong hands. Don't let this happen to your son.

Religion can be very confusing sometimes, especially when it's organized and force fed. But Reverend Numbsain understands what it's like to be paralyzed with fear that an invisible man is going to punish you after you're dead. Well no, he doesn't really. But he does answer questions from sheep that have gone astray. Such as this man pictured below singing Karaoke. His face has been stuck that way ever since that day in church when the priest took him in the apse.

Dear Rev. Numbsain,

I know Jesus loves me because I can feel it in my heart. But what is Jesus trying to tell me when I get heartburn?

—Burning Love

Dear Loveburn,

It feels like Jesus is in your heart but really, the Lord can’t enter your bloodstream unless you use a needle and actually slam Jesus. Most people smoke Jesus, or ingest Jesus, like I do. I sprinkle Him on yogurt or cereal. Sometimes He gives me holy gas and when the spirit of Jesus passes through me in church it’s a great relief to sit and bask in the pew. Perhaps you don’t chew the Lord well enough. Try a little bicarbonate of soda in a glass of warm holy water.

Dear Rabbi Numbsain,

I’m a Jew. We Jews have a ritual we practice called Kapparot. On the eve of Yom Kippur, a dead chicken we shake around ourselves and off of us all our sins jump and onto this chicken they stick. Then, to the poor people, we feed the chicken . Well this year after Kapparot we noticed the chicken wasn’t quite dead. Do you think it will be all right?

—Menachem

Dear Mechanic

Are you Insane? live chickens absorb WAY too much sin, like 10,000 times the amount of sin as the dead ones. Poor people are used to eating the sins of rich people like you, but when they eat that chicken they’ll get a much higher dose of sin than usual. You just sent an innocent poor family to hell, not to mention the poor chicken. Give me your address so i can come over and beat a dog on your front lawn. That’s the only way to fix it.

Dear Numbsain,

My grandparents on my mothers side are Catholic and Jewish. My fathers side is Buddhist and Protestant. Does that make me a Jewlic Buddistant?

—Mr. Mutt

Dear Mr. Mudd,

No it makes you a Jewstant Buddhilic and therein lies the problem. Those four religions have conflicting laws and if you adhere to one you’ll be in violation of another. So no matter what you do you’re going to hell. But I’ll tell ya what, I got a little clout with the Gods and I may be able to get your sentence cut if I work the no-guilt-by-birth angle. If the omnipotent beings go for it you may only do a dime in purgy. I gotta charge you a filing fee and a retainer though and if it goes to trial we’re talkin’ a couple grand at least. Or you could be the Devils bitch for all of eternity. Let me know what ya wanna do.

Dear Rev. Numbsain,

I is a God feeding Chrischin. I have obaid the Gossipel all my lyfe. I downt jrink any likwids, I downt cuver my naybors wyfe, I don’t maik kraving imijes. So why duz my naybors wyfe run arownd naykid in my house saing she’s cold, and all the food I leeve out for God just rahts—He aint even tutched it. I always be dehijrayted—What is I dewing rong? I wint to chutch evry day for my untire lyfe!

—Seeking Salivation

Dear spit search,

Maybe you should have spent some of that time you wasted in church and gone to school instead. Then you would have learned to read and write properly, and you’d know the difference between “God feeding” and “God fearing.” And instead of not “covering” thy neighbors wife you’d be not “coveting” the poor slut who shouldn’t be running around your house naked in the first place! Send her to my place so I can give her a good swift talking to on the rear. And learn some English before you end up sitting on your puke at crunch one Scumday morning whoreshipping Cheeses Crust.

Dear Father Numbsain,

I was raised Mormon and as everyone knows Mormonism is the best religion in the whole world. So why do people always make sarcastic jokes about us?

—LDS tips

Dear LSD trips,

I can’t imagine why anyone would make a mockery of Moronism, the very bestest religion in the whole entire world! Just ignore them and keep eating your Purina Mormon Chow.

Dear Rev. Numbsain,

I want to be an antidisestablishmentarianist because I think it will make me look intelligent being such a big word. I was just wondering though, can you tell me what that word means?

—Big Word Guy

Dear Big Wierd Guy,

it means you’re opposed to the separation of church and state which makes you look smart to idiots but you’ll look like an idiot to smart people. Ifyou really want to gain the respect of your peers just tell them you’re an auto-sodomizing copraphagiac with a Ticonderoga No. 2 reproductive apparatus and then prove it to them by deploying and detonating a Kabuterimon in your lower gastrointestinal tract?

Dear Rev. Numbsain,

I recently married a wealthy man who asked me to convert to Stepfordism for him. I have accepted the unusual practice of women never wearing clothing other than a muzzle and choke chain. I don’t mind that I must obey his every command, I don’t even mind that I have to lick his feet clean every day but recently he told me I must get down on all fours and bark like a dog in front of all his friends in order to be in adherence to the rules. So I did it for him and you know what he did? He tied me up in the backyard all night while they played cards. Do you think I’m being taken advantage of?

—Going Too Far?

Dear Going to Fart?,

The things your husband expects of you are all perfectly reasonable things for someone to expect …of a DOG! Your husband is a sick, twisted mysogynistic, morally bankrupt, pervert who has no respect for you whatsoever. You, on the other hand, sound like a wild cat! Where have you been all my life, babe? Anymore like you back home? Man you’re really into the kinky stuff, eh? We should definitely hook up after you dump that disrespectful, male-chauvanist pig husband of yours. How dare he treat you that way! He should be ashamed of himself making you do those things, and in front of his friends no less! Despicable!…But you just go along with it eh? Kinda turns you on a little huh? C’mon you know you dig it, don’t you? But to expect that of you and force you to humiliate yourself like that, What a bastard! Dump him immediately! And then give me a call. We could have a lot of fun, you and me, haha! Yeah!

Note: Reverend Numbsain's advice column is not affiliated with any denomination, religion, or faith and is not intended to treat, heal, cure, or do a damn thing except poke fun at all things religious, in all religions equally. If you have a real religious problem we recommend you see God immediately.

THE THOUSAND DOLLAR BILL SCANDAL

After 78 years in circulation currency experts have discovered almost imperceptible flaws in the United States Federal Reserve Bank's $1000 bills issued in 1934 from the Kansas City mint. The experts fear they may be subliminal or subversive messages designed into the high value bank notes for the purpose of undermining the United States monetary system.

To the untrained eye the bank note pictured below appears perfectly normal at first examination. But the highly skilled and experienced currency experts were able to spot the errors in the plates after almost a year of intensive study:

The first error spotted, and the one that sparked the entire investigation appeared in the paragraph that reads "This note is legal tender blah, blah, yada, yada..." the word "legal" is misspelled "lethal."

 The next error spotted was a third eye on President Grover Cleveland but in a most unusual location. Still unclear as to whether the former president had a third eye or not, experts concluded that it's presence in the portrait was an error due to the fact that the offending extraneous optical organ appeared on Clevelands lapel (see detail below). The freakish deformity did raise questions about the genetic integrity of the former president.

 

Experts then came across a tiny portrait tucked into the corner of the lower type line. The portrait inexplicably but undeniably was of a young actor Will Smith. Investigators have not ruled out time travel as a possible explanation for it's presence on the bill. (see below)

The next anomoy found was rather upsetting. In almost illegibly small letters the words, "KIDS ARE STUPID" appear on the front surface of the bill. Imagine the damaging effect this message might have had on some young and impressionable youth had it been discovered while spending the bill at the local soda fountain or toy store. (see below)

Now determined to find the last of the errors experts looked to the back of the bill and found more problems. Well hidden but clearly visible to the learned eye were the disturbing and disheartening words, "I HATE MOMMY" (see below)

It became evident that it would be necessary to have the currency removed from circulation and destroyed when the next shocking discovery was made. (see below Warning, the following content is of a vulgar and disturbing nature.)

But there was still more. The final flaw in these bills was one so obvious that the experts didn't know how they could have missed it. See if you can tell what's wrong with the picture below:

 It probably didn't take you long to see it. The word is in the wrong font. The serifs on the letters are slightly longer than they are on all the other words on the bill! And by almost a whole hundredth of an inch! It just goes to show that even the experts aren't perfect. Fortunately they did catch the problem.

It's still unknown how the errors slipped through the strict security and quality control of the Kansas City mint and ended up on currency of the United States of America but a nationwide search for the bills is underway and the secretery of the treasury is asking that anyone in possession of one or more of these bills please ship them via certified mail to:

Numbsain's Unwind

P.O. Box 44812 Unwinding Rd.

Mnt. Numbsain, CA 91203

so they may be properly disposed of. Thanks to honest citizens like you almost half of the bills have been recovered already. (see below)

Be aware that the errors are not easy to detect and may be invisible to the laymen but it is safe to assume that any $1000 bill minted in Kansas City with the date 1934 contains these errors and should be forfeited to the proper authorities immediately via the address listed above. do not take them to the local police or the FBI as the mt. Numbsain facility is the only one prepared to handle the problem. Measures are being implemented to ensure that situations such as this never arise again in the future and we apologize for any personal loss you suffer by forfeiting the currency.

Fortune Cookies Then and Then.

The Chinese tradition of ending each meal with a cookie containing a fortune dates back to prehistoric times before the development of written language. Cookies made of mashed midget pulp were fitted with a tiny device upon which a short rap style song was recorded and activated by biting the cookie. Fortunes usually consisted of buttering up the guest about what a playa pimp he is. Or for the women it was about how fine her booty was and how lucky she was to live to be gang raped another day. These fortunes were believed to bring good luck to the person if they survived the meal which usually consisted of bamboo shoots and uncooked Rhamphorynchus meat marinated in a fermented soy bean sauce made by the Kikkoman of the tribe.

Later, with the development of written language the fortunes were simply typeset in arial bold on a piece of  paper and threaded into the cookie which was made from whole grain lizard flour and high fructose corn syrup. The tradition grew in popularity as meals became increasingly survivable. But the fortunes became rude and insulting. Here are some examples.

 

Often fights would break out after the fortune reading ceremony and all the dinner guests would be killed with butter knives and forks which were traditionally inserted into the jugular vein. Today in the civilized world fortune cookies are viewed as entertainment and rarely result in violence or death. However they are usually tasteless and inedible due to a shortage of fresh lizard meal.

by Numbsain...Confucius say, "wtf?"

Yo Mama Jokes 2012

 
Yo mama so poor she tries to social network on an etch-a-sketch.

Yo mama's so stupid when she fills out "date of birth" she puts "it's complicated."

Yo mamas so poor a bum asked her for spare change so she robbed him.

Yo mama's so poor that you opened your lunchbox and saw she ate most of your sandwich…and stole your thermos.

Yo mama's so poor she she fights the dog for your table scraps.

Yo mama's so stupid she peed in the car pool.

Yo mama’s so poor she cuts the crust off your sandwich and uses it for the meat inside.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw Macy’s was having a white sale and said, “I'll take two.”

Yo mama’s so poor, on Christmas eve she rewraps the same presents she stole for you last year and resells them to you.

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a sign in the store, “All pants half off” so she pulled hers down to her knees.

Yo mama’s so stupid she tried to occupy walmart

Yo mama’s so stupid she saw a street sign, “Stop Ahead” so she got out to look for it.

Yo mama’s so fat she could occupy Wall Street.

Yo mama’s so stupid she spent the food money on beer so she could recycle the cans for cash.

Yo mama’s so poor she beat you up and stole your lunch money.

Yo mama’s so poor she only turns the refrigerator on when there’s food in it.

Yo mama’s so poor she goes to the supermarket just to browse.

Yo mama’s so stupid she traded her teeth for a box of granola.

Yo mama’s so unattractive she can’t even turn on a light.

Yo mama’s so ugly she can’t even attract flies.

Yo mama’s so poor she rents out your room while you're at school.

Yo mama’s so stupid she asked for Reader’s Chew and Reader’s Swallow before she would look at Reader’s Digest. We didn’t ask what she wanted to read after that.

Yo mama’s so stupid she took a can of mace to bed in case she had a bad dream.

Yo mama’s so stupid she wouldn’t bring Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben into
the house cause it was too messy for relatives.

Yo mama’s so poor she wouldn’t let you date, talkin’ ’bout, “Why sell the cow when we gettin’ milk for free?”

Yo mama's so stupid she tilted back Jennifer Lo-Pez' head and tried to pull one out of her neck.

Back-Handed Yo Mama Jokes

Yo mama’s so beautiful she was approached by some photographers to be on the cover of the SPCA newsletter.

Yo mama's so smart she learned to rollover and beg in one day.

Yo mama's so great that when she laid out on the beach some conservationists tried to push her back out to sea.

Yo mama's so classy the when she goes to Europe she stays at the Paris Hilton.

Yo mama's such a good housekeeper that every time she divorces she keeps the house.

Yo mama's such a champion she won best heifer in show at the county fair.

Yo mama's so smart she won Student of the Month in Special Ed class.

That's all I have to say about yo mama this time but if you've heard or made up a good yo mama joke feel free to leave a comment and give my mama your best shot. C'mon, bring it on. Show me what you got! You got somethin' to say about my mama?...Yeah, I didn't think so...


For more sick & twisted yo mama jokes click on these links:

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/02/yo-mamas-so-stupid-shes-at-loss-for.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2012/01/numbsain-lets-fly-on-yo-mamaagain.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mamas-are-so-phat.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/12/yo-mama-2012-part-2-yo-mamas-had-it-now.html

http://numbsain.blogspot.com/2011/10/yo-momma-jokesso-stupid-even-yo-momma.html

Some of these will get you in big trouble with people who have really stupid, fat, ugly mama's.

Bugs Are People Too! An Eyewitless Newsflinch Special Report

It’s long been considered common knowledge that insects have no emotions, are devoid of individual self awareness, and function as a “hive mind” or collective community. Though their necessity in the ecosystem is acknowledged, when found in our habitats they are simply regarded as pests and therefor we feel no guilt in exterminating them when we deem them a nuisance.

But recently scientists in the field of entomology have invented new technology which can decipher and record ultra-hi-speed brainwaves transmitted in the range in which insects communicate with each other and the findings are shocking. It turns out that insects have very complex thought patterns which resemble those of human beings. Although they “think” at a rate of speed that, to us, trivializes their importance, to an insect, these fraction-of-a-second mental manifestations can be quite significant. What this means is that we have been subjecting our fellow earth dwellers to unimaginable horrors that make the holocaust of eastern Europe seem like a mild break-out of the common cold.

In the following transcription we hear the thoughts of two houseflies recorded during a one half second stroke of a flyswatter. We’ve attributed the names Betty and Steve to the flies to protect their identities and because their real names are unpronounceable:

Steve: Well hello there! I’m Steve. Would you care to join me in consuming this nourishing feast of human fecal matter specks?

Betty: Why Steve that’s so thoughtful of you! This will be my first intake of sustenance since emerging from my larval stage. I’m Betty.

Steve: A pleasure to meet you Betty. Ah to be young again!

Betty: Yes it’s wonderful! I entered the world filled with youthful exuberance and excitement about my future! But I need the guidance of an experienced fly like you.

Steve: Well I’d be happy to take you under my wing, Betty. Any drosophila would be proud to have a sexy little fly like you by his side. You must have been a beautiful maggot.
 
Mmm! this feces looks delicious, teaming with organic sugars and bacteria! Which parts have you regurgitated gastric juices onto and begun to digest?

Steve: Just this area here. All the rest is fresh and flavorful, have as much as you like!

Betty: [Belchga-a-a-a! slurp slurp] WOW! this is so yummy! You have such refined taste!

Steve: Thank you. I guess when you’ve consumed as much fecal matter as I have you learn to appreciate the subtle aromatic nuances. Enjoy!

Betty: I never knew it could be so wonderful!

Steve: This is what life is all about: We’re born, we eat shit, and die. And somewhere in there we raise little maggots of our own and perpetuate ourselves.

Betty: I want to make maggots with you Steve! Will you show me how?

O-o-o-oh yea-a-h, But we can’t do it here. in fact we must leave this location fairly soon.

Betty: Oh but why, Steve?

Steve: I’m afraid there’s a flattener headed our way. It’s already begun its acceleration toward us and should be here within the hour.

Betty: A flattener? that sounds awful! surely it isn’t meant for us.

Steve: It is Betty, you see the human beings don’t like us and try to flatten us sometimes. But don’t worry, they’re so lethargic they rarely succeed but we do have to stay alert to avoid them.

Betty: Oh what a shame! and it’s so beautiful here. I guess we can always come back after the flattener leaves

Steve: Perhaps but let’s not worry about the future now. Consume a few more microns of poop and we’ll be on our way.

Betty: Okay I’m ready, Steve. Which direction are we headed?

Steve: Well we don’t want to fly directly into the flattener so I’m setting a course for that messy uncoordinated larval human  located at the southern end of this enclosed region.

Betty: Sounds good to me. may I fly in a random chaotic pattern approximating your trajectory?

Steve: Sure, Oh here it comes already looks like this human has incorporated a flick of the wrist into her attack.

Betty: Why do they dislike us so much, Steve? Don’t we serve an essential function in the ecosystem?

Steve: Uh no, not really. But that’s not why they dislike us. They hate anything that isn’t as massive as they are. Well I guess it’s time to go. I’m beginning my take off surge. My lifters are almost at launch velocity, how about yours Betty?

Betty: I’m good to go. Anytime you’re ready!

Steve: Up, up, and AW-A-A-A-AY-Y-Y! Betty? BETTY?

Betty: STEVE! I’ve eaten too much. I can’t get airborne. Help me!

Steve: Help you? What are you talking about, Betty? I’m just a fly. What am I supposed to do? That flattener is practically on top of you.

Betty: Oh Steve, life is cruel. I’ll never bear maggots. At least I had my last moments with you! Thank you for the wonderful poop we shared! EEEEEK! Its here! I’m flattening! Oh steve it hurts!

Steve: I can’t bear to watch! Oh how awful!

Betty: Oh this pain is unbearable…a-a-a-a-AAAAA-aaaarghlk-kl-glmf!

Steve: Rest in pieces, dear Betty.

30 to life for first degree bugslaughter.

—end of the transcription—

In another experiment we hear the thoughts of a daddy longlegs as he suffers at the hands of a child. note the Daddy longlegs has relatively slow brainwaves for an insect and the child used in the experiment was chosen for his quick reflexes:

He fought for his legs, his life, his dignity. He died without them all.

Daddy Long-Legs: I’m a proud and majestic daddy long-legs. The father figure of the insect world and I’m on a mission to find sustenance for my offspring.

Child: E-e-e-e-e-w-w-w-w-w G-r-r-r-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-s-s-s!!!

DLL: I beg your pardon have you looked at yourself in the mirror  lately human? Hey what’s he doing encroaching my personal space? Oh no you don’t! You won’t catch me you bully! Cmon legs! move!…

Child: Haha! Look at ‘im trying to get away! Got you sucker!

DLL: HEY! OW! THAT’S MY LEG! YOU’VE RIPPED IT OFF!
OH MY GOD THAT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL! It’s okay my instincts are kicking in! I’ve still got seven good legs le—

HEY!  YOU UNFEELING BASTARD! YOU’VE AMPUTATED ANOTHER OF MY PRECIOUS LEGS. OWWWWCH! AND NOW TWO MORE AT ONCE. I’M FEELING GREATLY REDUCED. I CAN BARELY WALK! OH HOW EMBARRASSING! WHAT WILL MY FAMILY THINK OF ME IF  I’M A CRIPPLE?

Child: Hahaha! Hyuk hyuk snicker!

DDL What? He’s laughing at me? Why I’ll show him! I’ll show them all! I’ll work twice as hard to do on four legs what most arachnids do on eight! My offspring will still be proud of what I’ll accomplish! YOU CAN TAKE HALF MY LEGS BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SPIRIT AWAY!

CHILD: HARDY HAR-HAR GUFFAW!

DLL: What’s he doing now? No! He wouldn’t! AAAAARGH! THREE MORE LEGS! G-GONE!  OH GOD! How could he? Oh the horror! At least I’ve still got one. And by damn if I’ve got one good leg to stand on, I’m not defeated yet! ..nng…ngNNNNG…This isn’t working! I can’t do anything with just one leg!  I can’t move my body… But I can still fight! What this human doesn’t realize is that "right rear 2" is my most powerful weight bearing leg! Here he comes! Boy is he in for a surprise. TAKE THAT, YOU FIEND!

[ploink]

AAHK! Oh my god! Oh my god!  No! What have you done? Look at me! I’m, I’m helpless! What are you gonna do to me now? Listen to me human child. I don’t know what I did to you, but I am deeply sorry! I never meant you, or your family any harm…EVER! You must understand I have a family to feed! 47 beautiful boys just like you, and 63 girls and they depend on me! They look up to me! They need me. Just like you depend on your dad-WAIT! WAIT!  DON’T DO THAT! My children love me and I love them… 

[Ding-a-ling-a ding ding ding ding dong…]

That’s it kid…yes it’s the ice cream truck, go ahead, run out there, you like ice cream right kid? Forget about flicking me across the room…that’s it…good…keep going…WAIT! NO!

[p-ting]

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-oooooooooooo…

[One week later in the central heating duct.]

…Uuuuh…Uuuuuhhhh…h-h-e-e-l-l-p  me-e-e…he-e-e-elp me…Huh? Whud ‘r you loogin’ at buddy? haven’t ya ever seen a d-daddy NO LEGS before? quit starin’ like I’m some kind of circus freak! Wait, I mean… could you spare a scrap of food? No don’t go, I’m starving…help a guy out wouldja…pal?

—That concludes the transcription. DLL died shortly after that.—

Next we will listen to a community of ants living in the basement of a residence whose occupants decided to call the exterminators to rid their house of the “unwanted pests” at a time which just happened to be one of the most significant events in all of ant history:

"We never meant to disrupt anyone's picnic, nor would we have eaten that much."

President Pismire: Hear Ye! Hear Ye! My fellow ants, I have an announcement to make on this joyous day! Today marks the 40 miliionth ant-iversary of Ant independance! As you all know we of this great colony are the direct descend-ants of the very first species of ants! We hold the original DNA coding from which all ants on earth are descended. Without us the entire genus of formicidae could not exist and the earth would be devoid of all antkind. Today our beloved queen shall give birth to 700 million adorable baby antlings, the new generation of ants which will save the world from the human's destructive powers. Our carefully planned mission can only be carried out by the brilliant young antlings we are about to hatch here today in this very colony. Somehow by divine serendipity the entire ceremony has been blessed. The humans, apparently sensing the importance of this day, have taken it upon themselves to vacate the premises apparently just for us and as a gesture of their intentions they’ve even sealed off the entire structure with a tent of some kind to ensure our safety during the ceremony. This is truly a blessed day let us sing the global Ant-them of our great species:

WE REP-RE-SENT- THE FOR-MI-CI-DAE OF THE EARTH, THE CHO-SEN ONES, WE KNOW OUR WORTH…WE (cough, cough) REP-RE-(gag choke wheeze!)-SENT (Ack-hack COUGH COUGH) HELP! WE’RE DYING (HACK WHEEZE COUGH! CHOKE!) AAAAARGH!!!…

—end of transcription—

The entire colony of 45 billion ants was wiped out by a professional extermination company on that day, Not a single ant escaped.

Of course this discovery poses many legal questions. Should the Orkin man be put on trial for mass murder? Should Black Flag® and Raid® be taken of the shelves? Should flyswatters be illegal and all who use them convicted of first degree bugslaughter? Should there be a mandatory 11:00am check out time at Roach Motels®?

Numbsain’s Unwind asks you the reader. Please comment below and let us know if you stand for insect rights.




This special addition of Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by:

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